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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:46:29 PM | Overcorrection, without a doubt. If I got pushed around in one relationship, I'd work on learning to assert myself the next time -- by going to the other extreme -- an uzzi-toting rabid barracuda on steroids, determined she wasn't takin' nuttin offa nobody.
Sometimes I feel like I've made every mistake possible; do we ever get through them all? | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:47:11 PM | Remember that tune by Ratt....."Lack of Communication" ?
That sums it up succinctly. I had issues and she dealt with them in her own way. She had issues and i dealt with them in my own way. Talking to each other never was part of the equation. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:55:28 PM |
And thats why a thread like this doesn't get as many replies as who should pay for coffee. Because this one is about looking at yourself and not others!
But no shet though, a room full of "look at me's" suddenly gets quiet when they are given the stage..
Actually, Mr. Rock, I am very introspective and long ago realized and accepted my part in the responsibility for why my marriage ended. Not only that, I realized that I (and everyone) always have a choice when faced with decisions in my life. If I allow others to influence my choice, then that was my choice.
You seem to misunderstand what I was saying in my earlier post, which doesn't surprise me because people in these forums often misunderstand the intent of what I say--despite the fact that I write clearly and succinctly.
The OP began with a general statement about people--I responded with a general statement about people. So shoot me if my post didn't live up to your judgments and standards. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:03:30 PM |
Words like fear, co-dependence, expectations etc are not often used by many when discussing their own issues. I have to say that it warms my soul to know that so many know.
For years I went through life thinking I had it all. Funny things is now I realize that even today, I still don't know what I don't know. But at least I'm not stuck on stupid anymore.
The Rock Man rules. 
When you don't include yourself in the equation, it's so effing easy to get caught in the nauseatingly boring proud-petty-pious-pernicious-pestering-pawn trap. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:29:56 PM | You know Gwendolyn2009, isn't that what it's all about, "So shoot me if my post didn't live up to your judgments and standards"? Honestly, why the hell should we have to live up to someone elses standards, or have them judge us? And why the hell do we?
As Rodney King said " Can't we all just get along?" Nope, we all seem to expect something better or judge people! Instead of Rodneys quote, I'd just like to ask why can't we just accept people for who they are? or leave them the hell alone! Or, be left alone? | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:34:54 PM | I slept with his younger brother out of rage.
Totally my fault.
Admittedly I injured both men, and ruined them both for all other women.
Sad. Cuz they both still adore me, and I adore both of them.
But what's a girl supposed to do?
Two hot Irishmen is more than even I can handle.
Ok - do I win the side of rings????
I was humble.
I judged myself.
It was wrong. Horribly, wretchedly, wickedly wrong.
In so many ways.
Thank God it's made me the woman I am now as it was done in my wicked youth.
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:38:29 PM | Another one and this was from a long time ago. I didn't ask her what she wanted. I didn't ask her what made her feel good. I didn't take her feelings into consideration. I didn't ask her where she wanted to go.
She was good enough when she broke up and sit down and explain it to me so I could understand and I got what she was saying. I got it and didn't make that mistake again and learned to put the woman first and still have time for my friends and my hobbies. I am thankful to this day for that relationship and what I learned. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:08:03 PM | I went from a marriage to an abusive alcoholic, straight into a relationship with someone without taking any time to heal myself. This man was the total opposite of my husband we fell in love quick and hard.
He moved in with me a short time after meeting. It all just seemed to surreal to me. It felt like i went to bed one night with my old life and woke up the next day with a totally different one.
Instead of coming home to a drunk in a violent rage, i would come home to dinner on the table, candlelight, and flowers. I just couldnt wrap my mind around it for some reason.
I would often call the new man by my husbands name. Which didnt go over well.
I found myself pushing this man away by starting little fights and making mountains out of molehills, i just couldnt get past the WTF just happened in my life.
Needless to say, i pushed him to far. He told me he didnt want to leave, but he had to. I will never forget the look of devestation in his eyes when he said that. I still have the vivid memory of him turning around and looking at me, that last trip he took down my driveway.
If the timing could of only been different. Ive met many men since, but non has ever compared to this man.
I still miss ya Bear. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:24:58 PM | -NOT GETTING TO KNOW THE PERSON BETTER BEFORE JUMPING INTO IT.
-Became an enabler
-Compromised myself
-Ignored my gut feeling for too long
-Accepted too much for too long - there is no excuse for constant disrespect.
-Allowed my moods to be affected by his.
-Not being a mind reader
Compatability is not just about common interests and sexual attraction.
Having common interests is great, but a person needs to have their own interests as well.
To have a healthy relationship BOTH parties need to COMMUNICATE RESPECTFULLY, and APPRECIATE one anothers INDIVIDUALITY!
One should not feel like they are in shackles when they are in a LOVING, and TRUSTING relationship. If anything they should feel a new found freedom to reach greater heights. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 86 | |
| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:51:48 PM | Hi Rock, yeaaaa for a great OPost,
I did not know how to communicate. I thought I did, by "running" my house, family and work. Everything seemed so smooth to me. I thought I communicated great.
Well now that I have been on my own for 9 years I have learned that OFTEN, not ALWAYS, I do not express myself as I meant to. So over time I learned to express myself and thought that was communicating. NOW finally after having that fail to get to the level of relationship that I wanted to be in I have begun to lean real communication, not just between a man and myself, but with my family and friends and I feel much closer to them.
I can also see how I was detached ... not really meaning to be, and not wanting to be. I had a difficult time expressing myself so I would just remove myself from the situation and act like I didn't care. But deep inside I did care. I can look back and know that I did not have trust in my partners to open up and take the risk that if they could know what I thought they might leave me. Boo hooo for me .... I know so insecure.
So with learning to communicate better I have also found out that the type of man I had previously chosen was just not a man that "I" could communicate with. I made poor choices in the type of personality that best suited me.
So to sum it up, poor communicator, difficult to attach, unable to trust. Well I guess that just about sums it up for me. Oh yea ... and a very broken picker.
Savona  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:02:04 PM | XOthermic I slept with his younger brother out of rage.
Totally my fault.
Admittedly I injured both men, and ruined them both for all other women.
Sad. Cuz they both still adore me, and I adore both of them.
But what's a girl supposed to do?
Two hot Irishmen is more than even I can handle.
Ok - do I win the side of rings????
I was humble.
I judged myself.
It was wrong. Horribly, wretchedly, wickedly wrong.
In so many ways.
And the other day after I made similar claims about you, I guess I had It all wrong
about you.
Yes you Disciplined 2 Irish men with one snap of your whip at once!  
That's My girl! I think I would love that type of abuse from you dear. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:26:07 PM | First thing I did wrong was to get involved with someone while I was still devastated and recuperating from a painful breakup.
The second thing I did wrong was to date the particular man I chose to date. He was the son of my employer.
Third thing was that I wasn’t really crazy about this person romantically, even though we were good friends and worked well together, but he was so persistent and persuasive that I just let it happen. I was so numb and bleeding internally over my breakup that the attention felt good.
Fourth thing was that I thought it would be better to use my head for once, instead of my heart. So I made a “smart choice”, rather than an impulsive one driven by feelings that I could clearly not trust. This relationship looked good on paper. Dating him made sense. He was crazy about me. He liked my kids. Financially it made sense, too. We could continue to work together in the business and eventually it would be passed to us. I was a single mom and I didn’t want to jeopardize my relationship with this man because I would probably lose my job. Blah, blah, blah. I had a million reasons.
Fifth thing I did wrong was to try to rationalize staying with him when I healed enough to realize that I did not love this man. Oh, he’s not stoned that much. Oh, that crazy in love feeling isn’t really real anyway. Oh, nobody’s really happy anyway, why should I be? Oh, oh, oh. I spent 6 years trying to convince myself to be happy when I was unhappy.
Then I wasn’t brave enough to be honest when I decided it was over. I had to try to make him the bad guy. Make the problem his fault, because he wasn’t this enough or that enough… even though he was the same person I knew he was from the start. I was a chicken. I didn’t want to lose my job. I didn’t know how I could replace a skilled, well-paying, flexible job in a specialty field that would allow me to attend college, take care of my family and work all at the same time. I felt so trapped. I knew if I broke it off I would have to get a new job. It got to where I hated this person, but I didn’t know how to make the break.
Then I woke up one day and realized that I didn’t hate him. I hated who I was in the relationship. I was trying to push him to the breaking point so that he would break it off with me so that I wouldn’t have to do it. I hated the coward that I was. I hated the b1tch I had become. I hated the crazy way I was acting to get out of that relationship without being responsible. I hated my life. Thankfully, I ran out of excuses. I quit the job and I quit the relationship.
I learned a lot from those years. I learned to listen to my guts, and my heart. I learned that the test for a relationship, at least for me, is Do I like myself in this relationship? I learned that I will survive, no matter what, job or no job. I learned that a love relationship is not a business partnership. If there’s no mojo, there’s no go. I learned it’s better to be honest than innocent.
A year ago I met the right guy at the right time. And I like myself again. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:57:38 PM | I believed he would marry me one day. I should have kicked his ass to the curb the first time he played his drama games. Should have gotten the ring tone:
"If you liked it ya shoulda put a ring on it" and never taken his calls. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:00:00 PM | Love of my life #1 - He was in college on west coast, I was in college on the east coast. We were together from age 15 to 19. I took him for granted, got overwhelmed by youth, hormones, and distance. Still consider it one of the worst mistakes I ever made in my life.
Ex-husband (23 yr marriage) - should not have married him in the first place but once we were engaged (he swept me off my feet and I said yes without thinking), I was too chicken to back out. Then stayed to long.
Love of my life #2 - Mistake was moving too fast. When he said "I love you, come be with me, make yourself comfortable in my home" I believed him. Lesson learned - go slowly with widowers. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:05:41 PM | | Mistake was same as Cynthia's, but what do you do when someone lies to you? You get stuck and have no way out. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:12:21 PM | My part in it?
I have been in therapy for the past 2-1/2 years and much of that has been discussing this very topic. There were of course many different reasons for the failures of each of my relationships. At the end of every relationship each woman to a tee said the same thing "it's exhausting being with you".
I went to see a therapist because I was exhausted being me! I was diagnosed with bi-polar. I have spent alot of time learning how my thoughts work differently than "normal" people. I wish I had known when I was younger but it took alot of years for me to be able to see the patterns. I live in a black and white world. It's hard to describe.
The women of my life were all attracted by my intensity and excitement. Once the "honeymoon" phase would wear off is when I would lose my footing. I could not understand the change. When my partner needed space things would go from white to black. I could not back off. Well back then I couldn't. I would push, pull, guide, whatever it took to feel safe again.
I know that all of my exes loved me. They each tried even after we broke up. They loved me enough to want to be with me but neither of us understood why things were always so much work. I could see the exhaustion in their faces before they even knew what they were feeling.
What scares me the most? My relationships since my diagnosis have not changed much. I am learning. I am not making as many mistakes. But I will always over think. I have learned not to over react but everything takes so much thought. I only wish I could just be. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:05:38 PM | | i came to find - a few f-upped pieces of the puzzle that is me ~ can negate every cool & unique quality i possess. sooo? i'm conscious of those pieces, and doing my best to grow and learn. other then that > i just let the world turn round ~ go with the flow. i've come to the conclusion, i have some faults and will live with them .... life is definitely too short, to woas me away | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:15:41 PM | I pushed too hard to make him the success I needed him to be. I supported every step towards promotion, business conferences, every month long Asian factory tour, every class he needed to take to advance. I typed papers, did research, maintained the home, took care of all finances and investments, I raised the kids alone and did not allow them to interfere with the GOAL. My goal, not his as it turned out. I wanted to be the wife of a VP or CEO one day. I was the best corporate wife you could ask for.
He finally became exhausted and rebelled. Went the mid life crisis route needed heart surgery and dropped the good life quest 100%. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:43:30 PM | Well RockMan... I've given your question some hardy thought since you posted it last night and I've read some spirit-rocking responses that have not only been quite enlightening but they've touched my heart. Unfortunately, if I am a "righteous, judgmental type", it's because I am hard on myself in terms of living up to my own standards. (Note that I am the OP of a thread called "The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Abuse" in the Broken Hearts forum so that says something right there).
Anyway, here is my answer for what it's worth:
In the last relationship I was in, my "part" in it was that I didn't have the guts to rip off his head and go bury it so that he could never do to any other person, what he did to my spirit and my life. It was only after I had successfully disappeared that I discovered he was a diagnosed sociopath. I think the clinicians missed their mark. He was actually a narcissistic psychopath but the distinction is only important in his presence.
Now, in my relationship prior to that, I have to say that I learned something profound about myself and that is that sometimes, we can think we're helping someone but find out that we're actually disempowering them in order to fill our own need to be needed. I believed at the time that I loved him very much and there was little I would have refused to do for him (as long as it was legal and within my own standards of decency). While I worked my butt off over a period of 6 years, he was simply playing at life. I was, indeed, interfering with what the powers that be wanted him to know.
I've always had a big problem with "letting go" and "giving up". I'm working on that now... really hard... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:08:00 PM |
Actually, Mr. Rock, I am very introspective and long ago realized and accepted my part in the responsibility for why my marriage ended. Not only that, I realized that I (and everyone) always have a choice when faced with decisions in my life. If I allow others to influence my choice, then that was my choice.
You seem to misunderstand what I was saying in my earlier post, which doesn't surprise me because people in these forums often misunderstand the intent of what I say--despite the fact that I write clearly and succinctly.
The OP began with a general statement about people--I responded with a general statement about people. So shoot me if my post didn't live up to your judgments and standards.
But no shet though... The quote that set you off had nothing to do with you at all.
It was just part of a total post. I am restricted to 10 posts a day so I utilise them wisely.
I am only using this one because I respect you as a poster and wanted to make sure you understand that I meant no offence. If it is taken thats not on me! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:28:57 PM |
And thats why a thread like this doesn't get as many replies as who should pay for coffee. Because this one is about looking at yourself and not others!
But no shet though, a room full of "look at me's" suddenly gets quiet when they are given the stage..
Because it's just easier to criticize others than to openly criticize ourselves as individuals. A little heavy still with the "not my fault - I didn't do it" mentality from them. I can't say I'm surprised. This thread is potentially very "hot potato" in its own right, and I can guarantee that it'd be overflowing with juice and dirt for others to use...but the whole idea of looking at ourselves with the finger pointing where it belongs is mind numbing to too many.
That wasn't intended as an "I'm better than you 'cause I DID post" either...just stating the obvious.
Looking through the posts that were made, it was very refreshing to see so many open wounds that are probably seeing new light for the first time in forever. Things and stories from some of the regs and marquee players around here that just make you sit back and go "Hmm - I never woulda thought that" was quite the experience, at least for me. Exposure of failings is a bitter pill for sure...but it was overwhelming in some cases. To see such human frailty confessed from the "brass".
Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much. Hopefully that's not gonna be a trend around this thread. There's already too much of it. It's just wasting space and counter productive to the topic at hand as far as I'm concerned. If they're just gonna play victim and assure themselves that they are blameless 100%, then don't waste the ink. Move along and play in someone else's sandbox.
To those marquee players and even the mid carders that did expose their frailty - I applaud you. They often say that "I'm sorry" is the hardest thing to say - but I see "I was wrong" as the reigning champion there. Sorry can be insincere...admitting fault can't.
I got to see some in a new light and that's cool. The rest posted exactly as I'd have expected them to.
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:05:07 AM | Soxfan, I have read your post, and it has a personal ring to it...
I TOO was diagnosed with bipolar, however not until I was in my late 30, had my first manic episode at 40...
Over thinking is not so much bi polar, as more of a way our brains function... It can be exhausting to people who don't think much, under think, or just want the directions in simple words...
If you are on meds, tough road, but can make life a little easier... My personal experience is that usually people who are LABELED bi polar have a few other things that wreck havoc on their being, which is the underlying issue that has to dug out...
For me I was abused to horrific levels as a kid, and then as an adult had to undo these things...
Depending on how long "bi polar" has been part of your life, will depend on what other personality ticks you can develop...
One helpful form of therapy is DBT, generally a treatment for borderline personality, however people who are sensitives, can be ruled by their emotions, and react, instead of acting...
When I learned to combine logic with emotion, and that one was as equally important as the other, life really got a lot easier...
It IS a lot of work having bi polar, however there are things about being bi polar that only another bi polar can understand, and smile and say isn't it the darnedest thing how the brain can work like that? Or if they could bottle the bi polar energy, and creativity, illegal drugs would be a thing of the past...
Don't give up... There are a LOT of different things you can do, and since you are still in a relatively NEW diagnoses stage, you will one day just be YOU... It is hard work, but here's the good news that most therapist don't tell you... Being NORMAL is really an illusion... It is tough just being anyone for the most part...
I know what you are going through, and all I can say is hang in there, it does get better as you learn to harness this THING that they label, and make it seem so tragic... It has its harsh side, but once a person learns how to control at least part of it... Life can be an illusional normal..
Rockman, I think this thread has gotten a whole lot of open honesty, WHICH for a change has had very little back bitting, or the need to analyze what a dillweed someone was for their choices...
THIS has been a great experience for a lot of us, simply because seldom do most people want to put themselves up for judgment by others...
I have seen the regular crowd including myself open up to what we did wrong, even if it doesn't seem like FULL disclosure... Such as the simple statements I dated the person...
That is a start, and if that is as far as a person can go to acknowledge their part, well ok so be it...
I am VERY impressed with how openly vulnerable people have been in opening up their lives to the forums, which are so notorious for vicious attacks and insults...
For some it is very hard to admit they made errors, for others they are way to willing to take all of the blame... I used to be the later, which was not much better than someone who takes no responsibility...
Thanks for the thread, and the insight at the moment you started this post, to hope for people to be vulnerable...
Daddy Jinx
Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much.
Your post of openness was one of those oh wow, who would a thunk... However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where...
To me this is a thread that plants the seeds for some, to open their minds as to WHAT THEY DID, instead of what the other person did....
I was in an extremely abusive relationship... I stayed way to long, and thought that if I jumped enough hoops somehow I could fix his pain... What I learned about me was that the dark mean mouthed side of him was something I had a good bit of in my first marriage...
I never fully blamed my ex for our marriage not working, HOWEVER I didn't realize just how HORRIBLE my holding back and holding back until I exploded was... My ex was a runner, and hid at the strip clubs and bars... He had his times of being a super freak, but dang I could hack a person to shreds and didn't realize it... THAT IS until I experienced it first hand...
Sometimes we need a place to start... I admitted and took blame at first in ALL THE WRONG places... However because of what I went through, I am NOT a yeller, nor do I engage in insane exchanges of manipulative abusive BS... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:27:59 AM |
Daddy Jinx
Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much.
Your post of openness was one of those oh wow, who would a thunk... However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where...
I am going to agree here with Nextthime. But also I was very moved by BigDaddy Jinx post. Wow.
But I have to say this. I wasn't ready to open myself to my faults and what I did wrong until I hit rock bottom, until from under the rubble of my own anger I began to listen, I began to think, and I began to look at the finger pointing and realized that three other fingers were pointing at myself. That is a huge realization. And it can only happen inside. I cannot tell anyone to change. It will never happen. It has to happen from within.
So yes we hear some of the same yadda, yadda, but the fact that they are reading, next time they look in the mirror they will look deeper, they will look at their own explanations and a voice from within will say "Really?" And ask the questions that need to be answer. That is if they are lucky, because if they don't, and this I read in several books and they say "you will take the same problems into the next relationship." | |
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