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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:50:43 AM | I thought I knew it all. I thought growing up in an alcoholic abusive home I knew what to look out for. Then promptly married an alcoholic at 18. Divorced him then immediately dated another one. Remarried another man later who turned out to be a drug addict. Left him and immediately dated another drug addict. All the while surprised that these "normal" men were pulling the wool over my eyes hiding their addictions.
I went for counseling.
Dated very nice men for years after this. No addictions.
Last two relationships have been with addicted men with a lot of issues. Ended those.
I realize I'm the common denominator. I realize I gravitate towards men with addictions/issues. Or they gravitate towards me. Co dependency.
Amazes me how a dysfunctional childhood can still control grown people's lives. I need to watch myself more than those I date to ensure I'm not falling back into old patterns. I guess we find comfort in the familiar. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:39:36 AM | Bless me Father for I have sinned. This thread is like when I was going to the confessional! Being a recovering Catholic I will say this was my part.
I would say the "money issues" was the demise of the relationship. and the bickering and trying to steer the ship right in these times of trouble.
One thing lead to another and the marriage imploded. So my part of a failed relationship was not managing the home with better care.
Life goes on and things again a very good!
And being a recovering Catholic again,I would say the sooner you hone up too the sooner you can get on with your life.
Or stay in denial and play the victim card. Peace. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:58:07 AM |
However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where... But unless someone points out their mistakes the starting line is also the finish line.
To me this is a thread that plants the seeds for some, to open their minds as to WHAT THEY DID, instead of what the other person did....
One would hope, but we would have to re-ask the same question down the road to see if any of them where actually able to harvest anything worth while from those seeds.
I'm giving credit where it's due.
The credit should be given to those who actually humbled themselves to reply to the topic not to the person who asked the question.
Any successful thread (if there is even such a thing) is only successful due to the participants! Any asshat can ask a question! And thats all I did! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:37:44 AM | Lying to my face and me taking it all along knowing the truth and not standing up for myself because his lies had beat me down and I so wanted to believe he loved me.
Being desperate and wanting to fix the men in the two most important relationships to me and falling in love with two men who were broken.
Failing to recognize my need to fix these guys and blowing off the really good guys who were so good for me and loved me for me.
Putting up with absolute crap and convincing myself this is the best I could do.
My fault. Totally my fault. I own my actions in both of these relationships. I was not strong enough to walk away.
I allowed both of them to do something very ugly to me and they got away with it and I retreated back to my cave. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:48:32 AM | | Thankyou Rockman for realizing how hard it was for some of us to admit our shortcomings. In a public forum no less. Where we will be judged. Much easier to point out others shortcomings which some have continued to do in a forum asking about our shortcomings. I was leary about posting my issues but felt this thread was a good eye opener to those of us in here. Good thread. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:02:44 AM | Relationship gone bad? Nope. He was terminally ill and decided to blow his brains out in his Mother's driveway and people actually still blame me. It happened, he's gone, and I do not blame myself. All I can do is love myself enough to love someone else. My short coming is I like to have sex in hopes of a relationship. I like trying it on first.
...It does however mess with my heart sometimes still and I guess it always will... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:03:27 AM | Two emotionally injured young adults both seeking something no one could give them.
Came from the classic divorced family very young and vowed never to let someone have that much control over my life again. I vowed I would never struggle like my mother did with finanaces, so my job was very important to me, that allowed me "freedom" to never rely on someone else and that would give me control. I also thought I should be able to control everything in my life or I was failing. I would never ask for help, I was the "tough" one, so if he didnt offer, I did it and resented him for it.
His demons he still has to deal with completely, has started to but has a ways to go. Three years of therapy for me for Panic disorder stemming from the need to control and finally learned to let some stuff go, that it didnt matter.
For the first 18 years we were together it wasnt a partnership, many break ups, seperations, affairs, and the like, but I think we have made it through to the otherside. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:10:50 AM | " Thankyou Rockman for realizing how hard it was for some of us to admit our shortcomings. In a public forum no less. Where we will be judged. Much easier to point out others shortcomings which some have continued to do in a forum asking about our shortcomings. I was leary about posting my issues but felt this thread was a good eye opener to those of us in here. Good thread. "
Rock, apparently you asked the right question. The replies that you refer to, would not have come without it.
Not only was I giving credit where it was due, I gave you a sincere complement.
Also, your response, or input to any replies also help keep this thread important to some people. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:32:56 AM | Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much. Hopefully that's not gonna be a trend around this thread. There's already too much of it. It's just wasting space and counter productive to the topic at hand as far as I'm concerned. If they're just gonna play victim and assure themselves that they are blameless 100%, then don't waste the ink. Move along and play in someone else's sandbox.
Although I'm not going to disagree entirely with you, it's not that black and white all the time BDJ.
My only issue with a thread like this is that it negatively assumes that the onus must be on "both" parties.
Kinda like "no fault" insurance.
Like if someone crashes into your car while it's parked, a certain percentage of the "onus" is on you, because if your car hadn't been there, it wouldn't have gotten damaged in the first place.....
I will readily admit that during my younger years, I gave very little to relationships, as I had very little to give. I was self absorbed in my pursuits, and self centered in my other interests.
I was always up front about what I was capable of giving, and not giving, but it didn't change the fact that whether or not the relationship went anywhere, was all contingent on me.
I went from a marriage to an abusive alcoholic, straight into a relationship with someone without taking any time to heal myself. This man was the total opposite of my husband we fell in love quick and hard.
He moved in with me a short time after meeting. It all just seemed to surreal to me. It felt like i went to bed one night with my old life and woke up the next day with a totally different one.
Instead of coming home to a drunk in a violent rage, i would come home to dinner on the table, candlelight, and flowers. I just couldnt wrap my mind around it for some reason.
I would often call the new man by my husbands name. Which didnt go over well.
I found myself pushing this man away by starting little fights and making mountains out of molehills, i just couldnt get past the WTF just happened in my life.
Needless to say, i pushed him to far. He told me he didnt want to leave, but he had to. I will never forget the look of devestation in his eyes when he said that. I still have the vivid memory of him turning around and looking at me, that last trip he took down my driveway.
There are a lot of parallels here to my last LTR, and I was the guy that had no choice but to leave. After many years of the same cycle with her, it became apparent that it was never going to end. Her previous trauma had simply gone on for too many years.
I was constantly being "pushed", for the sole purpose of "proving" that I was "for real" and not some "dream" that she was one day going to wake up from.
I know how your ex felt when he drove away for the last time.
Relieved that the cycle was going to be over, but in complete despair of having to leave with his heart behind, belonging to you.
Talk about having your heart ripped out of your chest.... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:42:40 AM | True confessions? Ok, I'll bite.
I don't believe in physical intimacy before marriage and, to my shock, most women DO!
I always thought this was the high road and I have taken it. When the subject of sex came up, I always said 'let's wait until we're married' because I thought that that was what 'ladies' wanted. They'd say something about it being 'wonderful' to have met a man that was not all about sex and I'd feel good, that I did the right thing. Then I'd get dumped on some pretext (the word 'brother' often came into it, or 'as a friend') and that would be it, leaving me to wonder where I'd gone wrong.
So, yeah, I'd say ME holding off of sex is 90% of the problem. The other 10% is a combination of priorities, job, distance, emotionally distant (go figure), or not seeing a relationship as anything serious, and making her feel I led her on. Really, though, I think you can sum it up with one word, even at my age: NAIVE.
Ulysses. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:22:50 AM | Mr. Imulysses~ GOOD FOR YOU! Sick to what is right for you and don't change! It's so good to hear a man willing to speak from his heart and state what he feels so openly.
You are not naive. You are a beautiful man that will someday find his soul mate. I'll be praying for you... even though It's not what I would do... Thank you kind sweet man... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:23:14 AM | I killed her, knocked out her teeth, cut off all her fingers, stuffed her body in a suitcase and left the whole mess out back, by the dumpster.
No wait, that was that other guy that they finally found up here in a motel in Hope, BC. He was hanging from the clothes rack in the closet. But his dad says he was innocent.
I'll tell you about my stuff later.
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:30:24 AM |
The credit should be given to those who actually humbled themselves to reply to the topic not to the person who asked the question.
Any successful thread (if there is even such a thing) is only successful due to the participants! Any asshat can ask a question! And thats all I did!
if I want "confession" I'll visit my local priest.
pass the onion rings big boy.... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:31:27 AM | I'm just loving those who are being honest in this thread. How many actually believe everyone in here has never cheated? Chosen wrong? Screwed up their reaaltionships? Been without fault.? Obviously out of the thousands of people on here some were at fault. Yet most never admit it. Even in this thread, most are blaming their ex. While I do think my ex's caused the most damage I am willing to place blame on myself. Apparently some never will.
I love this thread because we all need to stop blaming our ex's, we need to realize that we took part in the outcome. Sure there's victims, I and my children were victims. But I realize I made choices, choices that I now regret. No one put a gun to my head. I choose badly. And dealt with the aftermath. Not all ex's are totally at blame,we choose to be with them for a reason. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:44:38 AM |
if I want "confession" I'll visit my local priest.
Oh but it's so much easier when shopping for a shipwreck to have them all lined up in one place.  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:09:56 PM |
Oh but it's so much easier when shopping for a shipwreck to have them all lined up in one place.
Perfect example of how easy it is to see and share the faults in another while completely avoiding seeking and sharing their own!
I'm not sure I feel comfortable calling those that have avoided the question shipwrecks. As I said in the op, for some self appraisal's a b1tch! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:12:06 PM | You flatter me beyond my station, Margo64. Thank you, though, for your kind words; you're a gem.
It's not easy. I mean, I am a guy and well, that's how that works. But it can get quite lonely at times too.
I've met many great gals, though, but it seems when it comes to the lack of physical intimacy, it's game over. Why can't romance be disassociated from sex these days? Why can't a kiss be just a kiss and a warm cuddle be a cuddle, without the 'need' to go further? I think I'll start a thread on that.
I'm sure though, that I screwed up in other ways. I'm a guy and it comes with the territory. At the same time I walked away from ALWAYS blaming myself too and that's another issue as well.
Good relationships are give AND take, forgiving and being forgiven. We all make mistakes and use bad judgment. Some though are blatant, like cheating, and some are subtle like offhand comments that seem innocuous but can be quite mean when taken in the wrong context.
It really comes back to what character flaws or defects you and live with in a relationship partner and what you can't. It's as simple and as complex as that since NO ONE is perfect.
Ulysses. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:15:16 PM |
I always said 'let's wait until we're married' because I thought that that was what 'ladies' wanted.
Don't do it because you thought it what the ladies want. Do it or not do it at all because it is what you want. And if it's not, find what you want and do that. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:18:39 PM | "Don't do it because you thought it what the ladies want. Do it or not do it at all because it is what you want. And if it's not, find what you want and do that."
Well said, OUTMIND, and well taken! I 'want' it on a physical level but on a spiritual/moral level, I can't. Been there, RIGHT there, but still held back. She said it was 'ok' but I know it wasn't. My loss, maybe my fault, but it is what it is.
Cheers,
Ulysses. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:57:09 PM |
Oh but it's so much easier when shopping for a shipwreck to have them all lined up in one place.
Perfect example of how easy it is to see and share the faults in another while completely avoiding seeking and sharing their own!
I'm not sure I feel comfortable calling those that have avoided the question shipwrecks. As I said in the op, for some self appraisal's a b1tch!
One of us isn't reading msg. 120 right OP. I think he's saying that anyone who has answered your question is a "shipwreck" and now, one only needs to visit this thread to find us.
It's a great example of why people don't line up to talk about what their part in it was here on the forums. Yes???? | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:05:40 PM |
I think he's saying that anyone who has answered your question is a "shipwreck" and now, one only needs to visit this thread to find us.
I disagree with this. Speaking of your own faults, and that is if done in an honest way, is in my book liberating. It says that we are also human and that through that pain, something better will come about. The shipwreck is the wake up call. Just remember Pearl Harbor. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:09:51 PM | In my first longterm relationship, nearly 30 years ago, I was so busy trying to improve myself, physically and otherwise, that I failed to notice when our relationship started going off track. It had become routine, almost to the point where we were two friends who happened to share a home.
Next came a relationship that should never have been allowed out of the starting gate. There were so many red flags, right from the beginning, and I chose to ignore them simply because I was lonely and he offered me a "safe" haven. Wasn't long after the purchase of a home that the abuse started. So, in this case, if I had paid attention to the warning signs we would never have got together.
Later on, I became clingy with the love of my life. Some of my friends tell me that I never really loved him, but rather was so infatuated with him that I clung to him in the hope that we would have the forever kind of love. Didn't work. After going back to him several times I realized that whatever we had was gone, and the remnants were not enough for healthy relationship.
..... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:22:16 PM |
I disagree with this. Speaking of your own faults, and that is if done in an honest way, is in my book liberating. It says that we are also human and that through that pain, something better will come about. The shipwreck is the wake up call. Just remember Pearl Harbor.
Well said O.M. 
I also disagree with the poster calling the posters to this thread "shipwrecks". I was simply pointing out that a number of people might be a lot more willing to "step up to the table" if THAT sort of attitudinal commentary wasn't what some people have learned to expect inside their relationships. One person takes responsibility and admits to a weakness or a fault that they know they need to work on and the other, instead of acknowledging the trust and maturity it takes to admit such a thing, makes some lame-ass, hurtful comment.
It doesn't always take 2 to bring a relationship to its knees. Sometimes, it's as simple as 1 who cares and 1 who doesn't. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:23:28 PM | Great to see you Silkenfire
One of us isn't reading msg. 120 right OP. I think he's saying that anyone who has answered your question is a "shipwreck" and now, one only needs to visit this thread to find us.
It's a great example of why people don't line up to talk about what their part in it was here on the forums. Yes????
I have noticed that it still is easy for some to poke fun, insult, and delight in the fact that others have the balz to say this is what I did wrong... Some how it makes them stand out and look better...
Here is reality, humans come with baggage of all different types, being in denial that they have NEVER made a mistake, a poor choice, or what ever, is to continue the same mistakes over and over, YET never getting why things always come out the same...
As stated, I am impressed with the honesty of others, because they at least are willing to say this is what I did, and it didn't help...
To the poster who said sometimes it isn't two people who caused the demise, I kind of agree. In the since that some people will try and try and try simply because giving up was not considered an option...
Reality, there is NO reward in being a martyr when it comes to staying in a crappy relationship... We can say we are doing it for the kids, but what have we taught kids???
I can tell you what my mothers martyring got her.... Three kids that had no clue how to deal with a healthy relationship... We each handled things differently, and I took the miss fixit, doormat route...
Rock I do believe that planted seeds don't always need to be revisited by the same question, but rather a realization that things are the same over and over... That SOME will take pause and really want to know WHY... Some NEVER will, my dad is that guy, he's 74, and the most miserable person I can really think I ever met...
However it is everybody elses fault he's miserable, and that his life was a disappointment...
The hell he wrecked on others is a mystery to him, because he NEVER does anything wrong...
WELL until one day when I was 39, and he started his nasty abusive BS, and I let him have with both guns blazing... NOT A PROUD MOMENT, however since that time my father has NEVER said an ill word to me, and or about me to my face...
It took that long to let go of all the BS and abuse, and I told him sorry, I don't believe in disrespecting another person in that way in their own house, BUT DAMN, didn't I learn from the best...
He was at a loss...
ME, I got done locating abusive men, I took care of defending myself to the person who inflicted some of the MOST damage....
Self analyzation isn't easy for a lot of people, because they my have to admit they aren't always the best person they can be...
I'm NOT a shipwreck, just someone that grew up, and figured out what I brought to the table that was/is destructive... If that is a bad thing, then damn, I'd had to see what is really a terrible thing...
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:44:40 PM | My part was to assume that having wonderful sex and enjoying each other's company meant being "exclusive". We did not have "the talk" and enjoyed our time together, each and everytime.
I am also very stubborned, and would not accept him "dating" other women.
I still have a difficult time not to "walk backwards" with this relationship and cutting the ties. I allow him to tell me stories, that I want to believe and I KNOW in my heart are not true.
A dear friend of mine once told me "Mistakes are only mistakes, if we do not learn from them" I have had many lessons in life, and some were mistakes until I can actually turn them into lessons. | |
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