| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:44:40 PM | My part was to assume that having wonderful sex and enjoying each other's company meant being "exclusive". We did not have "the talk" and enjoyed our time together, each and everytime.
I am also very stubborned, and would not accept him "dating" other women.
I still have a difficult time not to "walk backwards" with this relationship and cutting the ties. I allow him to tell me stories, that I want to believe and I KNOW in my heart are not true.
A dear friend of mine once told me "Mistakes are only mistakes, if we do not learn from them" I have had many lessons in life, and some were mistakes until I can actually turn them into lessons. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:50:24 PM | I have been following this thread last couple of days....WOW! Some of the responses have hit close to home. Actually, made me a little uncomfortable when I took a moment to self reflect on my "part.”
My part? Marrying too young and having unrealistic expectations of what "marriage" is/was suppose to be. I expected him to be my "knight in shining armor,” to be everything I had dreamed of as a little girl. That is a lot of pressure for anyone to live up too now that I reflect back. At times I also didn’t know when to shut up, and leave or let things alone. I liked having the last word. Drove him nuts.
Easy to place blame anywhere, but yourself, I am guilty of that. I have in the past justified my "part" by his actions, but that is another thread. Bottom line, it is true, no one is without blame.
Awesome thread, Rock! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:16:25 PM |
One of us isn't reading msg. 120 right OP.
No, we "all" read it the same way. I just put my twist on it for my reply..
Those who can't understand what it means, or is unable to see the value in what this thread is all about in my eyes they are the shipwrecks. They just don't know it yet. But when they do, this thread will haunt them.. Booooo.
The only people with out baggage are the ones who clean their own side of the street and take care of their own house. To heal completely, all of life's cancers must be removed. Not just the imports!
P.S
I'd rather be a shipwreck then a ship lost at sea. At least if I'm wrecked it means "I'm grounded" and looking to do some repairs! lol | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:20:31 PM |
In the since that some people will try and try and try simply because giving up was not considered an option... How I feel about my situation, the brick falling didn't work, I had to have a whole wall of bricks fall before I realized that the mess had be hauled away. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:33:22 PM | | My fault was that I was too young to start with. I was blinded by her good looks and thought that her abusive (physical especially) behaviour would change. I've learned to stand up for my needs and wants...which meant I had to learn the difference...which has worked great since! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:47:01 PM | | After my divorce, I walled myself off from any relationship with a man. I was so insulated that I forgot what is was to be really happy. I am so glad I finally took inventory of my life. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:17:38 PM |
Your post of openness was one of those oh wow, who would a thunk... However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where...
To me this is a thread that plants the seeds for some, to open their minds as to WHAT THEY DID, instead of what the other person did....
Like someone else already pointed out - unless we point things out clearly...the start line and finish line may end up being one in the same. 
My more caustic criticism comes with wanting more people to acknowledge their own failings, and quit playing the victim. If they keep playing but find themselves looking deeper into the mirror the next time they look - then my mission is accomplished.
And the start line may not be the finish line too. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:40:29 PM |
Like someone else already pointed out - unless we point things out clearly...the start line and finish line may end up being one in the same.
My more caustic criticism comes with wanting more people to acknowledge their own failings, and quit playing the victim. If they keep playing but find themselves looking deeper into the mirror the next time they look - then my mission is accomplished.
And the start line may not be the finish line too.
We get you, BDJ. You articulate this side of the equation as well as anyone around these here parts. It's refreshing, I might add. You're a little harsher in your perspective than someone like me. But it's a valuable one. And I dig it. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:29:13 PM | | My part? that's easy...well, maybe not so easy, but after years of reflecting upon my life lessons, my part: co-dependent's aren't easy to live with, and I spent too many years as a good co-dependent: managing, controlling, enabling, rescuing. And eventually crashing and walking away. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:15:46 PM | I was an angel, would this face  lie? LOL
When the bonk is good, I tend to ignore his bad habits...then reality kicks in - goodbye!  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:54:03 AM |
There was the alien abduction thing where he got a penis extention! But that's another story!
Come on now you can't leave a cliff hanger like this out there! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 12:36:49 PM | | I was availabe and in it for a relationship, she was in it for a weekend romp, and not serious, a fwb. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 5:38:36 PM | I asked for something that was beneath my values, something I would never be satisfied with (a booty call), I guess b/c the closeness of someone that I had chemistry with felt so good after so long, I figured I would rather have casual sex to fill a void and got what I asked for. Well not the sex b/c I was the one who couldn't go through with it, but a man that will look at me for sexual pleasure now instead of a potential keeper. I got scared and I got cynical. But I learned a lot in my experience so it wasn't a waste. I also ignored a huge red flag..  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 6:02:16 PM | I met a woman a few months ago and we slowwwwly started a getting-to-know-you relationship, she was seemingly quite comfortable with the pace. I really really fell for her and told her how I felt about. Big mistake, I got the its-not-you-its-me speech for good measure | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:07:58 PM | Yanno Rock, I've written several replies to this thread and deleted them all. It's not like I have any difficulty owning my part in it. Heck, I even posted about it in the similar thread myblueshadow started a year or so ago (I do miss her around here). I think I'm done with it. I've integrated the lessons from my failings well enough that turning them over in my mind seemingly has no resonance for me. But here goes another kick at it. (just in case)
Every relationship, as far as I can tell, has an unwritten, non-verbalized (and sometimes even unacknowledged) contract that outlines "the way we do things". My role as a giver was to make things work, to see reason and be wise enough to keep an even keel. It's a role I have repeated in virtually all of my relationships, I'm good at it, it comes easily and naturally to me. It also has a dark side.
Now, where things derailed in one relationship was when I had taken on too much, things were way out of balance as I was now managing his life and he, quite rightly, was resenting me for it. What started out with good intentions on my part and delight on his had morphed into a weapon we had turned on each other. Giving is not always the gift you think it should be; sometimes it's more of a gift to allow them to figure it out on their own. I wasn't mature enough at that point to trust that. It's hard to redefine the dynamic when you've got it so out of whack, and so we rode out the trajectory to crash and burn.
In another relationship, my SO was about to commit career suicide in an especially immature way (I'd bet a thousand bucks I'd even get agreement on the forums about that one, lol). We had a huge fight about it and I forced my SO to do the right thing. Oh, I was *right* about the situation, but completely wrong in how I went about it. In my impatience, I showed contempt and disgust and shredded my SO's dignity. I ought to have handled it a different way, really. I was tired of doing the heavy lifting and no longer willing to fulfill that relationship contract we had. No longer willing about sums it up. Once you have contempt for the other person, it is over but for the saying of it, isn't it?
Funny how clear the sound of a relationship breaking; how loud the silence is.
And when the dust settled, I was still unwilling to make it right. Oh, I knew what needed to be said and done; I'm the 'make it right' gal after all. I even knew that I owed an apology. One wasn't asked for, and wouldn't be, but I knew I was out of line as a human being. So I folded my tent, dwelled in the cocoon of my resentment and thought "just leave the azzhole out in the cold for a while and see what happens". What happened was an affair of course. Voids get filled. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:24:41 PM | I settled for someone that I should never have dated in the first place. I stayed because it was so obvious that he was over his head in regards to parenting his child that I couldn't in good conscious watch him totally feck up his kid that he has sole custody of.
In turn, I became resentful that he had no problem having me basically raise his child for him while occasionally badmouthing my kid. Hold up! You want me to raise your kid but you say negative things about mine? WTF?
I stayed until I had a good reason to end it. I should have never started it and definitely shouldn't have taken over a parental role.
Live and learn. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:37:10 PM |
And what was your part in it?
Settling.................a great man and person, but I didn't connect with him on all levels (something was lacking for me). However, since he was a great man/catch, I settled. Only to realize that nothing was going to change how I felt.
Now taking a personal inventory and taking one day at a time.............. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:55:28 PM |
One is not truly mature untill they stop being their own attorney and start being their own judge.
Wow...how did I miss such a provocative thread?
Alright Op. You ask for honest disclosure...I will disclose...
I kept a tallying sheet. I wanted to be sure, that I did not do more, spend more, love more, understand more, give more, than what my partner did.
And in the face of such scrutinization, they would usually fail.
Somehow, in some way, they would fail to meet my expectations, and I would punish them for doing so.
I would fail to see the gifts that they offered, until it was too late.
I sometimes would agree with whatever they said, even though I disagreed with what they said.
I would dumb down my intelligence, in order to make them feel "superior".
I have also argued vehemently, over minuscule things.
I cling to higher ideals, although, even a ladder cannot help me climb up.
I am so not perfect. The challenge comes, when I expect, the other person to see things exactly as I do... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:35:21 PM | | my part in it was the insecure girlfriend that cant trust her man due to another ***holes treatment. i was the insecure girlfriend that accused my man of cheating. that was my role. i am trying to trust again, but once you've been burned-its hard. my temper can make me say some razor sharp comments that apologizes cant fix. i wanted to know who all the slutty females he was adding were. y was he adding them, when he had me? chuck it up as the insecure girlfriend that cant trust her man and accuses him of cheating! | |
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