| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:57:02 AM | Maybe hes just cowardly and wants to go back to his wife and doesnt want to tell you?
NOTE TO SELF: Avoid men who have separated on their profiles! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:20:41 AM | Let me get this straight.
Wife tells him kids are unhappy.
Did he ask the kids? Has he had contact with them on a regular and frequent basis? Has he asked if they are really unhappy because he is not there, or are they just unhappy that their mother is unhappy? If he hasn't done all of those, then how important are their views in the decisions he has made? He is caving in to her emotional pressure. If they truly are unhappy for themselves, then has he helped them try to understand why he left - or is he unable to articulate feelings?
What lessons are those kids being taught here?
Emotional blackmail is OK?
If you're unhappy and make enough fuss someone else will make it all better?
Bad things don't happen in life?
Adults tell lies and are inconstant - he said he was going but then came back?
It doesn't matter if you make a decision that isn't right - you can always go back and change it, there are no consequences?
These are two adults who apparently have not grown up enough to understand their responsibilities to their children's emotional growth.
Staying for the kids is one thing. Going back "for them" is another, and that is the one I think is totally wrong. IMO. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:10:18 AM | I know one person, a good friend of mine that got married and stayed with his wife, purely for his son. He wasn't happy, but he wanted to give his son the best life he could, even at the expence of his own happiness.
Well 8 years down the line after a loveless marridge they seperated. He was left with almost £20k debt from his ex wife. It took him a while, but he found someone that he loves, and who loves him. Ok still to this day they are struggling with the debt but he is trying to give his son the best possible life still that he can give.
Staying for someone, is never a reason to stay, however sometimes a nice person can let themselves get used for the benefit of someone else
Sorry to hear that this has also affected your life sjxx. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:02:56 AM |
His wife has also made threats to leave the country if he didnt go back.....
And she's the best one to have custody of the children? | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:26:30 AM | SJ,
Yoou have my deepest sympathy as you know ((((((((hug))))))
When my ex and I split up (my choice) I agonised over whether I had the right to potentially wreck my children's life just from my possibly selfish act.......for a couple of weeks I didn't sleep, until I cam to the realisation that what good would it do my children if I was desperately unhappy as I had been for the last however many years. If the parent with the custody is happy, then everyone will be happy. My relationship with my ex is good, he has regular access to them and my 3 children are growing up to be happy, contented people.
My fear about your situation is that if his ex was going to leave the country, he could make legal representation for joint custody which as I understand it, would prevent her from leaving until it was sorted out........that is if that is the real reason why he has gone back. If that is not the reason, then all I can suggest is to try to move on and find soomeone who deserves all that you can give them xx | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:03:27 AM | I'm very sorry for what you are going through but in real terms the marriage has not been over that long. He hasn't been separated 12 months and yes people can fall in love again and mean it very quickly but there are always going to be ties, particularly when the kids are young.
You also know one side of the story and that's his. He can get an order to stop her taking the kids out of the country. An ex workmate of mine was set to go to New Zealand to work and when her ex found out he got a court order to stop her doing it.
My gut feeling is if he didn't want to go back, no matter what the reason, nothing could and would stop him. He would call her bluff and then set about getting legal advice to get the matter sorted with the kids and get on with his life.
That's very easy to say because at the moment all he might see is that he could lose the kids but returning for the sake of them will not work, it will confuse the kids more and possibly cause them more damage in the long run.
As for you, I know it must be very hard, but I think if you haven't already you need to cut contact with him, even for a while, because unless you do you will always have that hope that things are going to work out with you.
You also may not want him if he comes back to you again, because you could end up in this horrible situation where every time she threatens him over the kids, he goes back to her, who needs that.
You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want and is willing to show you that by their actions and someone who will be honest with you. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:47:19 AM | NOTE TO SELF: Avoid men who have separated on their profiles!
Ouch! Why not just throw me in a cell and be done with it. Like all situations they are different. I’m separated, if I wanted to be dishonest about it I could…but I’m not going to. Bit harsh!
SJ Everybody obviously wishes you well and hopes you get through this as best you can, but your absolutely right it doesn’t make it any easier if your in love with him still! I think you need a big hug! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:20:39 AM |
When my ex and I split up (my choice) I agonised over whether I had the right to potentially wreck my children's life just from my possibly selfish act.
Same here Cakes. The toughest decision of my life so far. So maybe he's not ready to make the decision quite yet Sj. Interestingly the first guy I was involved in after my separation said it was never wise to be someone's first after a marriage breakdown because we all change so much once free, and in my case he was right, I'm not the person I was a few years ago. Maybe your friend needs more time to find out who he is and what he's doing. Of course whether you want to wait around while he makes that choice is your prerogative Sj, but make sure you look after yourself. x | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:24:19 AM | Any relationship is more than the total of each individual involved. A marriage or other serious relationship has a pulse and a beat all of it's own. That pulse can never be truly measured by outsiders and is often hard to analyse by the people within it. There's a lot of truth in the old saying "we never know what goes on behind closed doors".
Each child is individual and something can break down one child emotionally, while a sibling of theirs may shrug off the same event or situation without a backward glance.
The wife could hate his guts but be so torn at her kids reaction to the breakdown that she'd do things totally outside her own personal moral framework to try and ensure her child's happiness. Hence the emotional blackmail she's seemingly used. Was it manipulation or desperation born of despair at seeing her kids unhappy. Without knowing the woman, her ex husband or the kids as well as they all know each other; we as outsiders will never be able to tell.
All you can do is accept the choice he has made with dignity and move on. It's hard and it's painful but at least he has shown you the respect you deserve to tell you what's happening in his life and not try and string you along with false hope for a happy ending or tried to hang onto both you and his wife as so many men do. Give him credit for being honest with you and plan a girls night out
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:01:54 PM | In my experience, which is what has made me the owld cynical cow I am today, I believe men do what they want to do themselves at the end of the day. No, men shouldn't stay for the sake of kids, thats old hat isnt it? And neither should women threaten them but it happens and as she is his wife she likely loves him as much as you do and that is what motivates her. I doubt you will be able to talk him out of it, he has to find his own way. If he didnt at least give it a try he may end up resenting you.
I wouldnt be in your shoes again for all the tea in china... it hurts like hell so I wish you all the best. Wear sackcloths and ashes for no more than a fortnight then get back out there and show him what your made of. | |
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sjxx
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Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 36 | |
| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:53:05 AM | Well thanks again guys...
I wish things were different but its been made very clear to me today that I am hoping for something that I will never have and that he intends to stay put.
He even felt it necessary to tell me how happy he is and how things with his wife are getting better! Unbelievable lack of consideration for my feelings..........
I never want to meet another man as long as I live.
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:13:07 AM |
I never want to meet another man as long as I live.
Yes you do..
I admit that I really do avoid those that have only just split (under a year in singledom from a serious long term relationship) or are not divorced..
I have a very close friend who is going through hell because of the complications of her new partners divorce settlement, she loves him soooooooo much, but this is putting unwarranted stress on their relationship, luckily their love is very strong, but it would have been so much easier and made for a much calmer start to their relationship if all of this had already been dealt with ..
Moral of my post, if you have come out of a relationship, get your finances, children and divorced settled..
But most importantly get "your" feelings clear and do not hurt someone else because you do not really know what you want, for any reason
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:38:35 AM | Sj
I don't know how long you knew this guy but I'm guessing it probably wasn't that long, that doesn't mean that the feelings you had for him or him for you weren't real but in the beginning a lot of people go into relationships with the rose tinted glasses firmly on.
We see the best in people and even when something goes wrong when the other person might be acting in a way that isn't that great, we can make excuses for them because we don't want to think of them as anything less than a decent human being.
You might think you will never get over this but you will. It sounds like you have had a lucky escape and that won't make you feel much better just now, but you could have been a year into this relationship and this could have happened.
He doesn't have the right to rub salt into your wounds but it sounds like it's being done so my advice to you is as I said in my last post, cut contact. Don't speak to him, don't hang around waiting for him to maybe come back, don't be a friend to him when it all goes wrong, which it possibly will, just get on with your life and let him get on with his.
Remember the good times you had but also remember you don't owe him anything. You will probably feel like crap for a few days, weeks even but you will get up one day and think, I feel better and that will be it, the situation won't hurt so much.
You always feel at the time that you will never get over a break up and it hurts so much you have had it with relationships, but that won't last.
It's his loss.
But most importantly get "your" feelings clear and do not hurt someone else because you do not really know what you want, for any reason
Wise words.
Rocky marriages don't get fixed overnight either, the next time he phones and tells you how happy he is with his wife, just make it clear you do not want to hear it. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:51:07 PM | Aww Sj
He even felt it necessary to tell me how happy he is and how things with his wife are getting better! Unbelievable lack of consideration for my feelings..........
I'd suggest that he was feeling it necessary to tell HIMSELF how happy he is and how things are getting better ... it could be a case of kidding himself so that he can cut emotional ties from you and throw himself into this without feeling he's missing out on someone special. It's a hurtful and immature way of doing it but I think it's also quite common. They need to say it to make it true, if you know what I mean. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:15:05 PM | | If he is so happy with his wife why does he find it necessary to keep in touch with you? As a previous reply said is he trying to convince you or himself? That said I think you are better off walking away with your head held high and let the pair of them get on with it. I have had a similar experience myself recently with someone I had started a relationship with deciding to try again with his ex-wife (although no children involved) and all my friends and family have said that it wont work out for them and that he will come back to me within 6 months but quite honestly he isn't the person I thought he was and no way would I take him back. I'm sure you will come to this conclusion yourself in the not too distant future but good luck to you and I hope you find someone that is worthy of you. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/23/2009 8:32:50 AM |
I never want to meet another man as long as I live.
That's just anger, and some very righteous frustration talking. Not all of us are bad, maybe he's realised the grass isn't greener on the other side? I'm not having a pop at you sjxx, I can see you're really hurting badly  . You just need time out, we have all been let down by those we love/loved. Life is a total bytch, but learn to live it and not just exist it. x | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/23/2009 8:58:04 AM | Ouch!
You are Usain Bolt...............he is like everyone else in the world........not as fast as you!
Run away! Run away! Never look back no matter how alluring it may be and no matter how fast he chases!
If someone can show such scant regard for your feelings.........It aint likely to change. Even if he gets a divorce and becomes yours forever! Nothing wrong with looking after Number 1, but not to the detriment of those you profess to care for.
Repeat the mantra
"I am Usain Bolt"
"I am Usain Bolt"
"I am Usain Bolt"
"I am Usain Bolt"
"I am Usain Bolt"
"I am Usain Bolt"
Cant catch me sucker! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/23/2009 3:36:16 PM | If someone has left a relationship then there is no point in going back unless real changes have been made
The people involved have to sort out what was wrong in the first place.
No good papering over the cracks and hoping that solves the problem, it rarely does ! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:31:10 AM | My parents were not happy while my sister and myself were growing up but they did manage to keep things civil around us. I do remember being frightened however listening to them argue when we were in bed.
If you ask me would we have been happier if they had seperated when we were young I think the answer would be no. Speaking for myself I loved both of them and do not remember being traumatised in any way even though I was aware at times that things werent right. They seperated when I was old enough to understand adult relationships and I respected their decison.
This is only one instance though where there was no aggression involved but in some instances I think it would be better to seperate. Sometimes its better to move on.
Didnt read the whole thread. Sj for most of us our kids come first and if things are as you say then I can understand why he's so frightened of losing them. However the relationship between he and his wife cannot possibly work if he still loves you and can only spell heartache for both her and the kids.
Would you take him back if he realises this and wants to return? | |
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sjxx
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Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 45 | |
| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:54:34 AM | Would I take him back? In an instant. I have never felt a connection with anyone like I do with him. Thats what makes it so bloody hard. But I cant wait forever if what he says is true, that would be a waste of my time and emotions. I have to let go and allow him to do this. But that doesnt stop me wishing it was different but where is wishing gonna get me? Nowhere fast, thats where  | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:22:35 AM | He knows you would take him back in an instant ,and there in lays the problem,going back to his wife does not work out, he knows you are so in to him he can come back .
look at married mens profiles on here stay for the sake of the kids how often is that on their profile ,
My best mate had the same ,he was in bed sit as his wife had thrown him out, 3 children ,child support ,he offered to stay at her home supposedly to keep an eye on the place while she was on holiday and said might as well stay now .
3 years they lived together ,during which time his wife had a boyfriend ,she
sold her car they bought one together were talking of selling her house and buying one together ,
then his wife broke up with boyfriend and looked at the good life they were leading 3 holidays abroad a year even took the 3 children from his marriage to USA, plus the children stayed at my mates everyweekend ,and she stayed in while he went round town ,the one person i would have said would never have stayed in while her guy was out ,
so his wife or so he said asked him to go back for kids sake
He went back and its the first time i ever seen her so upset ,had to go to work in bus till she could afford a car of her own again
But she moved on and is engaged to be married to a single guy who has no ties and is very happy . | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:00:22 AM | | If he knows that you'll take him back then he'll probably keep you dangling just incase it goes t!ts up with his wife again.I don't know about you but i'd rather be somebodies number one than the reserve...........and if you still have the car he bought/gave you then its not all bad. | |
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