| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:52:33 AM | Fascinating to see all the posters who say to mind your own business and keep your mouth shut. I wonder how many of these same posters go on threads about cheaters and express moral outrage. Hypocrites all !!!
First and foremost I would let your friend/business associate whatever, that on no uncertain terms you disapprove of his behaviour and why. He may or may not reconsider his behaviour based on your feedback, but at least then you won't be implying approval by staying silent.
Keeping quiet when things are wrong is often a big part of how things end up even worse. A moral society is one with the courage to speak up, not shy away from taking a stand. It's just like telling someone who tells a rascist joke that you find their jokes offensive. It may not curb every individual, but it certainly spreads the idea around better and others often follow your example and start speaking up too!
If the opportunity presents itself to approach either woman with your concerns, you will have done a good deed. These women are somebody's daughter, sister, mother and they deserve whatever assistance in life they can get. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:10:57 AM | If this is a friend/business associate remember that someone who thinks its ok to cheat, thinks its ok to lie, thinks its ok to steal.
cheat/lie/steal
You can dress it up any way you want but this is a friend?
I would hope that in the proffessional arena of this day and age you wouldn't involve yourself with this moral turpitude.
and my momma used to tell me "If you stir the sh*t pot, expect to get some on you" | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:00:21 PM | Chatty Cat: you make a good point about hypocrisy. But there is a difference between expressing disapproval of cheating, here or to the cheater, but it is another thing to put your nose into something that is none of your business.
I agree that the cheater or would-be cheater should be told this is 'bad' but I still don't think he should do more than that. I was in this situation myself, where my "best friend" was cheating on me with my girlfriend, and everyone knew about it but didn't tell me, including her mother. I suspected him but felt it was unfriendly to say to my 'best friend' what I felt but could not prove.
When I found out I felt like a TOTAL fool. I dumped both my 'best friend' and girlfriend (duh, like they were really either!) but my other friends I forgave. I forgave them for not telling me because, really, the person that SHOULD have was the girlfriend and then-former 'best friend' but they didn't. He was not man enough, she was not mature enough, and I was too damn stupid to confront them even when I suspected.
A month after I found out, they broke up. She wanted to get back together with me, having learned her lesson, but by then I had too and didn't want anything more to do with her or him either.
In any case, lesson learned. As for the O/P, he is not directly invovled, and aside from telling his buddy about acting like a cad, he should stay out of it. If he knew either of these ladies beyond a casual basis, maybe, but since the situation is still fluid, he might be doing more harm than good. The responsibility for telling lies with his friend.
Ulysses. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:16:42 PM | Tattle!!!! I wish more men were like you. I feel bad for April having been in her situation. If I were her I would want to know. I had a guy like that and all his friends knew what he was doing with other women but kept their mouths shut around me.
I felt like the world's biggest loser when I finally found out.
Why didn't any of them think enough about me to tell me so I could
have the same information all of them had? It added so much to the hurt. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:58:59 PM | The OP really doesn't know jack about these relationships.
So...for those of you suggesting tattling. You are in a store...walk around the corner by the ladies cosmetics...see a lady applying lipstick. She puts the lipstick in her purse.
Are you going to confront her or run to the store manager. You have no evidence that it wasn't hers to begin with.
No have no facts that suggest she has done anything.
Either does the OP. In his own words...it could be a FWB...he's pretty sure it is not a committed/exclusive relationship.
To compare this to racial jokes...something that is clearly objectionable...is ridiculous.
We are not hypocrites because we have a problem with cheaters and liars and thieves but wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot pole. Equally redicuous.
The only thing Opie knows is that his associate and April are having sex. If and until they agree to a committed exclusive relationship...it is NOT cheating.
Live your lives as such if you wish...but my efforts remain concentrated on those that I actually have relationships with...actual friends and family.
whenwillthiswork....were you in a non-committed, probable fwb relationship...or was there an exclusive understanding? If the answer is no...it is not the same...I feel for you and had I been a friend of yours...you would have known. If that was the case...you are not built for a fwb relationship. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:00:38 PM | I would shut up it is none of my business even he scr*w s a bunch of scarecrow in skirts..
Unless you have a hotts for April , then tell her and take the results like a man.  | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:06:20 PM | You and your mate are more than "just business associates." He's spilling the details to you of his sexual exploits. Business associates don't do that.
And while I tend to agree with keeping your mouth shut (although I am a little worried about everyone's health - who knows jut how much traffic the pen and inks have been seeing) you might want to back off a bit from the relationship you've got with this business associate if he's put you into this situation. It is amazing how one person's actions can affect others.
TK | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:12:13 PM |
Unless you have a hotts for April , then tell her and take the results like a man
Or the bartender. Or you could just ask her (whichever) out. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:13:31 PM | | rock n roll, i say "mouth shut" personally tend to go by a code and telling on another man to mess up his game is weak, if it's not killing tons of people, or effecting you in any way stay out of it. Telling U.S secrets to enemies "tell", a man wanting multiple women "don't" tell. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:57:10 PM | [I was in this situation myself, where my "best friend" was cheating on me with my girlfriend, and everyone knew about it but didn't tell me, including her mother.]/quote
Imulysses, you were a fool to forgive all of your friends who didn't tell you that your best friend and your girlfriend were having it on. If I'm getting screwed over in any fashion, whether it be bad mouthing, cheating, lying, whatever and a friend of mine knows it and doesn't aid me by clueing me in, then they no longer qualify as a friend of mine.
A friend is someone who watches your back, not one who stands idly by while you take it in the back!
Get some standards dude!! It looks like you are weak willed and surrounded by same! I guess birds of a feather do flock together.
Seriously, the complete lack of moral courage shown on this thread certainly explains why we all live in such a fuc%#@ up society. "Ohh! I wouldn't want to want to get involved. Not my business." If this is how wimpy everyone is about day to day lying and cheating, no wonder we can't get our collective act together on the really important moral issues of our time! Pathetic!! | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:27:42 PM | Me thinks you want April...
I think you have LED HIM TO BELIEVE you are his friend.. and THAT stinks even more
Exactly..... | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:22:49 PM | OP- I can understand your desire to tell April. The problem is the information you have is second hand, came from the guilty party and in all liklihood will be denied anyway. You don't want to go down that road.
By all means express your disapproval directly to the business associate. He is obviously bragging to you about it anyway, so the best thing you can do is tell him what you really think of his actions.
BTW- What about the bartender. I doubt the guy told her anything about April. She's a victim too. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:35:36 PM |
Seriously,the complete lack of moral courage shown on this thread certainly explains why we all live in such a fuc%#@ up society.
"Ohh ! I wouldn't want to get involved. Not my business."If this is how how wimpy everyone is about day to day lying and cheating ,no wonder we can't collective act together on the really important moral issues of our time ! Pathetic!!
There is some truth about this rhetorical saying Ala western film>> "Don't shoot the messenger."!!! I work in a big company and married wo/men having an affair is too common, we keep our eyes and mouth shut for the fear of our job, we are there to work and not moral policing any one, who shyte where they eat. The result for them is they got fired , Few got divorce and married, then divorce etc..... Besides being stoolie of people 's f*cking affair is not heroic,you don't get reward or trophy but , you are a hateful big mouth busybody...I am sorry about your best friend and your girlfriend,but no one has obligation and responsibility to report them to you.. It is you and only you who is responsible to be aware of yourself, your girlfriend ,and your best friend...
If a person is pious on morality,they have to start on themself and not to look on the moral decayed on others. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:22:12 PM | [q] I'll bet April thinks it's an exclusive relationship! She didn't jump in the sack with him right away for a FWB, she waited til she got to know him. The guy is a liar, tell him to man up and be up front with April. [/q]
I tend to concur. You've already said when you see them together, you know she's into it for more than FWB. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:25:08 PM | Rockin Rolls: Did anyone already ask the question if you have any romantic interest in April? At least, from your history I can tell that you haven't answered any questions that may have come up... (I can't read 3 pages of MYOB - was this supposed to be a voting poll?)
If you hate the fact that an innocent person might be hurt, which I understand, see if you can send her an anonymous message... She needs to make an informed decision and protect herself against heartache and STDs. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:42:23 PM | Sometimes denial can be a real gift! People usually already know, or have a sense/gut feeling, when they are being cheated on, but they just need the time to assimilate the details and face the problem.
Telling either of the women mentioned about an associate's proposed indiscretion will make them confront something that has not happened, and something that they may or may not be prepared to face. Make no mistake; the tattler has their own agenda, becoming the enemy of all and a friend to no one. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:57:01 PM | No tattling...do not say anything to April. I see this creating a huge wedge between you and your business associate if you do.
I would however, express your opinion to your business associate. It's a moral issue and he is being an azz considering sleeping with both of them. He is simply looking for the next best thing. Seemes to be the way things are in today's dating world.
If April is smart, she will catch on anyway, that's how we work. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:09:07 PM | Maybe I was and am a 'fool' to forgive my friends for not telling me. I certainly felt like a big freaking stupid one too, so you are not telling me something someone has not said before.
You're right, too, in a sense; my other friends and people in the knw clearly did not have my back, if letting my g/f and best friend play me for a fool in any indication. At the same time I didn't think I could condemn them for it because I did not know if I would have behaved any differently were the roles reversed and I was in the know too. I might be a fool, and I might have looked quite stupid and weak, but I did not want to be a hypocrite, so forgiving those who knew was the only reasonable option, to me.
Besides, I never expected this to happen to me, and certainly not between my 'loyal' best friend and sweetheart. Even if I suspected, I did not believe I could, without facts, challenge people you call friends by asking them 'are you screwing around behind my back?' What if you're wrong? Then you come across as a control freak or worse; and that itself might cause unnecessary rifts, too.
I choose, therefore, what I thought was the higher road. I waited until I could completely confirm my suspicions before I acted. IN the end, though, it was a 'fib' on my part, to a friend who DID know what was going on, that finally openened the floodgates of truth. I simply told him, one day 'oh, I know about A & B' and he visibly deflated and spilled the beans to me.
I was STILL SHOCKED by the level of betrayal; it had gone on for months! Armed with that, though, I finally brought about a showdown and told them exactly what was going on. That was not easy either but I got the satisfaction of knowing they could not look me in the eye.
In the end the whole experience was rather liberating; I got my own back. As for the friends in the know, I still believe and still think they did the right thing by NOT telling me. It was not their place and had they said something I might have told them off for 'daring' to question the loyalty of two people that I cared about.
Hard lessons are learned through hard experiences. But you do learn from them and then grow. Sometimes, however, that is the only way too.
Ulysses. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:14:33 PM | | To be honest, it's really not your place to tell her anything, They have been together 4 months with no commitments. They are adults. Leave it alone. It's not as though he and April were married. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:15:50 PM | | This situation has nothing to do with you and you even state that you dont know April well...if it doesnt sit well with you..tell your friend that you thnk hes being dirty if it bothers you more than that stop talking to the dude..that is what you can control, going to a girl you have no ties with and telling her her man is cheating..is not where you want to be this could get really messed up. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:22:15 PM | It's really a tough call, Rockin Rolls.
Maybe some comment such as "gee April, I sure hope you are insisting on a condom when sleeping with "dick" would be "hint" enough?
Personally, I would be very grateful to anyone who had the courage to tell me about the kind of guy I was sleeping with ... so I could at least make an informed decision about if I wanted to be involved with such an a$$hole or not.
{By the way, if and when she does catch on ... and you knew and didn't tell her ... don't expect much "warmth" from her.}
No one likes being made a fool of. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 10:38:00 PM | I'd tell April to broaden her horizons and date others. There are no committments correct? So that way it evens up the playing field, and you solved your dilema. There are tons of handsome bartenders in most cities, April could just slip into some lounge one afternoon and start up a conversation with a hot guy. She then could take his number for future reference lol | |
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1jamez
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 75 | |
| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:08:35 PM | Let me get this straight. Just because "IF" this opportunity arose, with your privy info acquired from bar thoughts, you'd consider ratting him out to some one you don't even know?
yuck. | |
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| Mouth Shut or Tattle?
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:02:19 PM | | Kudos Ulysses, a true gentleman and a worldly wise man... the value of the lesson is vastly more important than the issue itself. In the end, the only thing that matters is what we think of ourselves. | |
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