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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:03:06 AM | For me when I tell a man I am independent it is more of a finacial sense than anything. I have a small child and am not looking for a baby daddy at all. I do hope if I find a partner he will bond with my child and I theres. For me it also means that Ihave activities that I enjoy and do not have to have my SO with me all the time. Infact I hope my SO can enjoy himself as well. I have learned that doing EVERYTHING with your SO is not good. I came up with a motto:
Someone to build a life with not around.
This does not mean we do not do things together for I hope that I would enjoy my SO to do things with them frequently. I need to keep my indivuality an they theres after all that is what I would be attacted to. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:12:30 AM | I have to remind myself that the independence being asserted is about whether or not the woman wants the man to pay her bills. It's from the old days when women were financially dependent on men. That all happened before my time. I have never lived in a society where women did not expect to be financially independent in this sense. I see that in old TV shows and afar in distant cultures where it remains. In the US for the past 50 years at least, the idea of the man bringing home the paycheck while the woman does her work inside the home has been replaced by the the idea that each person is responsible for at least their own expenses, the basics, like housing and food and motorcycle upkeep. So it is odd to hear a woman assert herself that way anymore, and it sounds like she is saying she prefers to be single except for a sexual relationship without caring one day to the next if she happens to ever see the man again. That way it sounds bad because you would be her sex partner when she calls you up but never know if you would see her again, and don't be wanting her to care about you at all. Then at my age, the women whose marriages became ordeals, lots of them don't want anything more than one or a few lovers they can spend time with occasionally. The word independent needs to be qualified so you know to what it refers, be it finances or emotions or whatever.
It's a turn off if it is about money because of the time warp factor. Been living in a cave (that someone else paid for)? It's a turn off about romance because then you are talking about the utility of sexual stimulation devoid of affection, taking all the fun out of it. Get a young man for that and he'll be glad to service you on demand then go away until he is needed again. When I am close I get affectionate and I care and she matters to me, so in that sense if I didn't matter to her, if she was independent of me that way, there would be a mismatch. To be not cared about is not appealing to me. I can get that easily enough without having to put out. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:27:58 AM |
Iy's not the not needing that's a negative; it's insisting that you can state it aggressively, and the other person has to like it, or else.
Casually stating on your profile (where do words like aggressive and insisting come from?) that you don't need BUT WANT (capitalised for emphasis because those two words always seems to be conveniently left out) a man (or woman for that matter since MANY men state the same thing) is not an aggressive or confrontational statement; it's simply a statement like any other.
And while I agree that any or most statements are open to a wide variety of interpretations, I disagree that your/his/her interpretation is the correct one for me, let alone everyone - in my world, only ME gets to decide what is correct for me, not you, not him, not her, not them and certainly not because anyone and/or the majority "says so".
and the other person has to like it, or else.
Well, unless I missed some posts and someone can show them to me, I dare say that this is a blatant lie ( if we can agree on the definition of the word blatant and that a lie is an untruth that is).
I have not seen one post that said the other person HAS to like it or else (or else?) - what I have seen over and over again is many posts saying that if a person doesn't like something on a profile (or to quote the OP, if or when they see something that comes across as a "red flag" to them), they should move on to the next profile, which is the most REASONALBLE and LOGICAL thing to do, not just in this situation, but for nearly every situation in life.
Personally, I have never had a desire to use words like independent on my profile nor have I ever felt the need to state whether I needed vs wanted a man - however, it would be illogical to assume that the lack or absence of something proves a negative (ie: logical fallacy) - meaning, just because it's not there (or on my profile for example), it doesn't mean that I don't see myself as a woman who doesn't need a man as much as one who may (one day) WANT (or desire) to have a man in her life.
To each their own however - if someone, man or woman, needs to feel needed, good for them - me, I've had a lifetime of having people who need/ed me - selfish or not and regardless if it's "wrong" for me to feel this way or not, having another "dependant" who "needs" me is the last thing I want.
Edit: I just want to add that more than anything else, it's the thought of being with someone who thinks that only HIS interpretation of things is the correct one that is unfathomable to me. It's one thing to disagree, it's another to INSIST that there's only one way to do or see things and that anyone who doesn't see it their way is wrong (or damaged, or whatever other derogatory label is slapped on those who have a differing opinion).
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:25:35 AM | well........how many times have I heard men say they don't need a woman????
I guess for me, if I had to wait around for Mr. Right to come along, sweep me off my feet and take care of me, I would be waiting for a long long long time. Growing up, I had no choice but to be independent. Coming out of a very long term (14 years) relationship, independence was not an option but a necessity.
Would I like to have someone in my life??? Of course, I would love nothing more, but I am not going to sit around and whine and stew about it, but rather, live my life the best way I can and not worry too much about it. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:29:47 AM | WOW!
TWELVE PAGES?! 
Seems very cut-and-dry to me; If anyone states, "I don't need a man/woman", then WHY would even bother with them?! 
IF you're honest, if you're on a dating site to "DATE", then you DO need someone!
Not neccessarily because you're not self-sufficient, but just because you're lonely?
Want some-one just to spend time with?
Mebbe just some-one to TALK to ??
Cheez.... 
P.S. Before any AH-HA's go on the attack, I'm here for the reasons Stated On My Profile, YOU go pound sand! | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:19:34 PM |
(danielle-wall) I have not seen one post that said the other person HAS to like it or else (or else?) - what I have seen over and over again is many posts saying that if a person doesn't like something on a profile (or to quote the OP, if or when they see something that comes across as a "red flag" to them), they should move on to the next profile, which is the most REASONALBLE and LOGICAL thing to do, not just in this situation, but for nearly every situation in life.
Ah, no.
You've said that often, but I don't see a lot of other people saying that.
You're not looking for dating (which is fine). However, someone who is looking for a date MAY just interpret things a little differently. And, since the overwhelming majority of women are looking to date men, not other women, I would think they'd be more interested in hearing men, than arguing with them.
Whatever. This pales into insignificance, compared to the re-imaging of *V*, which is airing its premiere episode *TONIGHT!*
(just hope they're not gross slimy lizards this time...)
Bimbly | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:10:42 PM | Yes, I would agree that some women who assert their independence do so because they earned it later in life often post divorce, and sometimes after a long marriage. So it is an achievement for them. But really it's not anything to be confrontational about.
Still, I think the most important thing about being independent in a relationship is when two people can each stand on their own 2 feet, they come into it as friends and equals with less liklihood that dependency issues will cause relationship issues.
But I think by placing too much emphasis on financial independence we miss the emotional independence which is really more important to have when building a relationship. This type of independence allows us to think for ourselves rather than make decisions based on popular trends. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:59:50 PM | When I used to actively date on this site a couple years back I took the chance on meeting some of the women that made such declarations. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that this was just a reflection of some simple anxiety. Boy was I wrong.
One thing I noticed in common in those half dozen cases was that women who felt the need to say "I don't need a man" or "don't need a father" or "my kids come first" were mostly saying they were very picky and somewhat elistist in what they were seeking, and would not settle for anything other then mr rich, pretty, fabulous, etc etc. The walls they put up were obvious and seemingly angry ripples within their personalities, not just some reflection of past pains as another poster suggested.
To me the overall anti-social nature of the comments reflect someone who had a list of absolutes and wants that can never be met by 99.999% of human beings. So yes I would consider such declarations major red flags and would never bother approaching or talking with someone so self-absorbed. Not worth the high probability that you are dealing with someone who has such high irrational needs that they would never be happy.
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:39:37 PM |
...that women who felt the need to say "I don't need a man" or "don't need a father" or "my kids come first" were mostly saying they were very picky and somewhat elistist in what they were seeking, and would not settle for anything other then mr rich, pretty, fabulous, etc etc. The walls they put up were obvious and seemingly angry ripples within their personalities, not just some reflection of past pains as another poster suggested.
Yep, that was my experience as well.
I like independent women, per my definition (self-sufficient). I don't mind when a woman includes the "independent" statement in her profile. But, when several other disclaimers about men are also apart of her profile...I tend to avoid her. I call it a yellow flag (i.e. proceed with caution).
In addition, if a woman's profile (or post/s) splits hairs with the want vs. need idea, I tend to think there would be a lot of "splitting hairs" within a relationship with her as well. PA-tatoe, PO-tatoe - who cares??? It'd get very tiresome.
THere are bigger concerns about compatability, in my mind.
MY thoughts? Meet in the middle, or don't meet at all.
just a thought | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:21:55 AM | All the semantics are killing me here.
Have people forgotten what it is all about??
Here is a reminder for all the people that profess they are independent and do not need another.
Remember that first kiss. The way it built. The way you explored each other with your tongues. The sensuality expressed with the ultimate intimacy. How your bodies pressed together while you stared into each others eyes. How you saw possibilities by becoming a team.
Your first adventure/trip/exploration together. Laughing, sharing, building trust and showing yourself to another worthy of "you". How you catalogue the moments together as they are building a foundation for you to lay your love on.
The random thoughts of them. Those wonderfully silly gestures you made. How you longed to be together. The passion being the anticipated... the aching...
The feel of them beside you in bed. How it didn't matter if they weren't perfect, if they were real like you, chocked full of flaws and life experiences that were yours to share. How you knew you could build memories, stories and make it "together".
Yes you have been independent. Yes you could make it on your own. Yes you are a capable person, BUT.... could you ever FEEL this alone???
Lose the attitudes and distrust people. REMEMBER what makes it good. Seek that! Declare that you WANT another... Hell, you are on a dating site... you must seek company and be willing to be a little less "independent". | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:52:23 AM | | To me these statements send alarm bells of someone that has been hurt in a past relationship and is trying to protect themselves. They come accross as strong and independent verbally but can their actions match their words. I see vulnerability here. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:06:45 PM | | This thread made me realize I do need a man although I am independent. I have been forced to be independent. It is hard for me to let that go but I am finaly ready and open. I desire to find someone to be interdependent with. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:41:28 AM | | Its ok for us women to need a guy and still be independent. Besides, there are so many levels of independence and one cannot fully have all. So for me, YES I sometimes need a man. And I would like to believe that if I enter into a relationship with a man, he'll "need" me as much as I "need" him. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:58:46 AM |
I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
This is a very confusing statement. I could think of 1000's like it. Is it a red flag? No not really.
I don't need a woman in my life, never have never will need a woman. Do I want a woman in my life Hell ya!!! | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:59:14 AM |
Its ok for us women to need a guy and still be independent. Besides, there are so many levels of independence and one cannot fully have all. So for me, YES I sometimes need a man. And I would like to believe that if I enter into a relationship with a man, he'll "need" me as much as I "need" him.
I agree that once you get involved seriously you will grow to need each other, and that's a healthy need. So I won't need "a" man, I'll GROW TO NEED a SPECIFIC man...
For most women, need = "depend" before they meet someone - so to say they need "a man" they've never met would indicate he's supplying something she needs to survive.
I know a lot of men don't care to translate or ask, but a lot of women who post this in their profiles are trying to tell men they aren't after a guy for what he has. Unfortunately, men started this with complaining for decades about avoiding women who are after their money...women are now just clarifying that it's not their intention.
I agree again though with people who have a problem with a person announcing anything over and over again to the point where they can't have a normal conversation and it's extreme. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:09:47 PM |
You've said that often, but I don't see a lot of other people saying that.
As a forum rat, not only have I, too, said move on to the next profile, but I have seen others say the same thing.
Iy's not the not needing that's a negative; it's insisting that you can state it aggressively, and the other person has to like it, or else.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! You do not have to LIKE it or else--that is an either/or fallacy when, indeed, there are other options. YOU control how you feel about "things," and if you don't, why allow people to manipulate you?
But beyond that, how do these women state their lack of need aggressively? Is it, "I don't need ***hole men"? If so, get thee away, now!
Sometimes (not always), you can be right, OR you can be happy; not both at once.
Another either/or: I can be happy and right, happy and wrong, sad and right and/or sad and wrong--how does that apply to the situation at hand?
I don't need a man--if I did, I would have died about four years ago when my last long-term relationship ended. However, as I stated previously, I like men and would like a man in my life on a more regular basis. How does that make me "right" in any way?
You seem to be a person who sees things in black and white rather than gradients of gray and certainly not in living color.
The only way I can think of as to how a woman saying she doesn't need men would hurt you is if a woman told YOU that specifically and you felt you needed her. Otherwise, next! Find a woman who needs you and don't worry about the ones who don't. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:31:17 PM | I subscribe to the thought that "I don't need to want a man... I want to need a man".
Personally, I think it is important to both want and need a man just as I think it is important for a man to both want and need me. That does not make me needy nor does it mean that I have to give up my independence... it only suggests that I am open to fully sharing my life with another and that I understand that in order to be truly successful in a relationship, there must be balance and there must be give and take. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:42:09 PM | ^^^ Jean Gray: Excellent post. I wonder why so many women feel the need to scream and shout their perceived "independence" at the same time that they are on a dating site seeking men. They WANT a man to compliment THIER life. MEN are not accessories. What about the MAN's life? Why not seek one to MAKE a life with?
Im just getting fed-up with all these feminism nonsense creeping into every caveat of our lives. Why can't we just accept the fact that the different genders NEED each other one way or the other? | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:53:01 AM | ok Makeba is there some reason we don't know about that your single??????????? you are smoking hot????????????????????????????? anyway have to agree with most of the entire thread. But yes is a simple answer anything like what you guys said is true, but not red flags, big flashing blue lights more like, it's time to head for the hills. Any woman who is not open to a relationship and does not need a man is deluding herself, what the heck is she here for???????????? ok I don't need a woman in my life...... as in NEED but sure as heck love one to be there........ok not going to happen anytime soon, but if it did then great. But a need is something that must exist. I havn't felt the need to climb a mountain, hence no intention off doing it. You wouldn't be out in the big bad world if you where not independent, so yes run forest run  | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:59:44 PM | independent women are great
its a point independent women love ramming down a man's throat at every available opportunity and since they are so great they can get themselves to and from dates, pay their own way and open doors for themselves | |
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