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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:53:47 PM | I have lost track of this thread a bit , but some of these ladies are right in the sense that all I ever hear from my male friends is them whine about women who are too needy or here is the thing I find maybe its because of my widow status I dont know is that some men and not all think they can walk in and fix everything lol , which I myself find quite patronising to fair , I am sure most dont mean to be that way but do come across that way ;/
I find it odd that women or men think what they actually own makes them independant ..hmm
Being independant to me is being able to survive on your own if that is what you have to do, whether it be in rags or riches , life experience and challenges and coming through them relativeley sane haha.
I dont own a house a car ( i dont drive) and to be fair have no desire too ;p .
my view is (red flag) by someone saying they are independant on a profile , doesnt need a man...etc ..I think that person must need to be needed so when they come across someone who doesnt need to be that dependant it plays on there own insecurity of feeling needed....hope that makes sense .
but also ive said it on my profile as was tired of being called hun, babe and various other patronising lines and being treated like a broken doll , that they think they can fix lol
I guess we all have different views on what independance is I know lots of my friends who claim or have the perception they are independant when really they measure it by what they own , doesnt make them stable ;) | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:20:26 PM | | i feel it is premature to express your feelings about independence in the profile...however, because men are so hyper-sensitive on the whole subject of...what do you want from me...the women might just tell you up front...yes i do need your help..or no i don't need your help...it is up to the man to decide for himself whether he wants to help financially or not...everyone is entitled to decide for themselves what they want to do...it is an issue that will come up for discussion sooner or later..no one has to help you..and no one has to stay if they would rather go... | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:54:32 PM | It is not about being hyper-sensitive. It is simply the long-term problem of being dammed if we do, and dammed if we don't. So for men that are tired of the "browbeating" -- as another poster feels that it is -- we tend as males to think it is just less grief to be single and dammed from a distance.
Why act like it is some badge of shame to need someone close in your life?? It is suppose to be a loving and supportive relationship -- not a competition about who is more independent. Are women afraid to seem weak about it?? Is that why they perceive men who need someone as "weak" and hate them so much??
Such needless foolishness and elitism to think someone has to fit the perfect mold to be lovable relationship material.
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:48:26 PM | [ IMO, to prematurely deem another human being that you have never met, communicated with, or otherwise gotten to know, as UNSAVORY is a far more off-putting than a couple of hackneyed profile clichés.]
Excellent point! This is the internet, NOT real life! There are many of us (the dinosaurs in particular) who are new to this medium, who rely on the advice of others as far as writing a profile.
[Why act like it is some badge of shame to need someone close in your life?? It is suppose to be a loving and supportive relationship -- not a competition about who is more independent. Are women afraid to seem weak about it?? Is that why they perceive men who need someone as "weak" and hate them so much??]
What does it have to do with competition? You can desire a relationship, and yet not be "needy". One can value relationships, yet be independent. Many women have been taught, by experience, that needy is a bad thing. Of course, women are afraid of being weak, as are men. Weakness is subjective. So is needy, but I don't think there are many people of either gender who intentionally seek someone who they perceive to be either. Doesn't mean they "hate" them, but seriously, are YOU looking for a "weak", "needy" woman? I have never come across a profile stating this! Many of us feel that those who are are merely predators. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:56:01 PM | As women in todays dating world you can't win with so many men out there so don't bother trying. Do what feels and works best for you and forget about everyone else. Obviously many men still have to be needed like a 3 year old needs their parent but god forbid you should expect them to pick up the check at dinner.That's when they stop the neediness and demand you act like a modern woman 
Need and want are two entirely separate things and it would seem some people are refusing to acknowledge that a need and a want are nowhere near the same thing.A child needs their parents. They can't live without a parent or parents to take care of them. I personally would be turned off by a man who needed me. I could not imagine being with someone so needy that should I go anywhere without him or god forbid something happens to me he will curl up in a ball on the floor and just stay that way. I want to be with someone,and I am, who has his own life, his own interest, his own friends but still wants to be with me and include me in his already existent life. I want to add to someones life not be someones life. I also want someone to add to my life and not be my life. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:32:24 PM |
Need and want are two entirely separate things and it would seem some people are refusing to acknowledge that a need and a want are nowhere near the same thing.A child needs their parents. They can't live without a parent or parents to take care of them. I personally would be turned off by a man who needed me. I could not imagine being with someone so needy that should I go anywhere without him or god forbid something happens to me he will curl up in a ball on the floor and just stay that way. I want to be with someone,and I am, who has his own life, his own interest, his own friends but still wants to be with me and include me in his already existent life. I want to add to someones life not be someones life. I also want someone to add to my life and not be my life.
Interesting that you would reduce human need to the dependent state of childhood. Is that why you resist the notion of healthy needs so strenuously?
Why must human need for love and acceptance be distorted to the extreme of "I couldn't go anywhere without him" or "curl up into a ball and just stay that way?".
Yes a need and a want are two different things: We need transportation to work everyday and some might want to meet that need by walking or riding a bus and others will want to meet that need by driving a Lexus or a Ford F150.
People in a healthy relationship are fulfilling each others' mutual needs. In the rush to defend independence (where interdependence is the healthier ideal) let's not mislabel healthy need as desperately needy aka dependent. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:44:17 AM | Why must human need for love and acceptance be distorted to the extreme of "I couldn't go anywhere without him" or "curl up into a ball and just stay that way?".
Because that is how it is when you need someone. When you need something you can't do without it under any circumstances. Just because, as you said, you don't need a lexus to get to work, it sure would be nice. Sure I could get buy standing at the bus stop each day and freezing my feet all winter long but I want a car instead.I want to buy my clothes from my favorite stores brand new, but I don't need to. I can always go to second hand stores.The same goes for romantic relationships. I don't need one, but I wanted,I greatly desired one so I went out and found one.
Anyway I stand by what I said. I don't want someone to need me. I want someone to want me. If someone needs me then they can't do without me and they may just want me around because they can't do without me. I would rather be wanted. Everybody is different though. Some people,obviously, can't get by in life and remain emotionally stable and healthy unless they have a man/woman in their lives. Thankfully I am not wired that way.
As for(( Mr "hurt me and I will hate you until the day I die I FORGIVE NO ONE!!".))) I have made my opinions and views on dating and who pays many times on here so that anyone who follows the forums knows my views on that. I need not repeat it. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:32:25 AM | What does it have to do with competition?
Over the past two decades our society has moved from a cooperative viewpoint to a competitive viewpoint. As a result women have been brought into the fold of "competition being a good thing" message that men are raised on. Thus a lot of relationships are viewed as some kind of competition where one gender or the other supposedly has to be "wearing the pants in the family", "running the show", etc. To the winner goes the spoils, while the loser gets kicked to the curb. Good riddance, etc. Hardly a positive human viewpoint on life.
I think this is a lot of the underlying current that has made people more angry, as the generally higher stress anxiety in our society is being redirected towards competitive and anger resolving mindsets. Where every small issue has to come down to a "someone has to win" for someone to feel valued. For many folks now being valued is replacing being loved as a priority -- whether out of necessity to identity or out of some misplaced message that love is "not needed".
Personally I think this need for competition in everything (even relationships) is the foundation of a lot of what is isolating and hurting peoples psyches. A human soul needs to feel loved, intimate, and valued. Trying to deny parts of that equation to justify ones being "independent" is not progress.
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:58:38 AM | I'm with Gwen - even though it's true I don't make declarations in my profile or in conversation to say I don't need a man or that I am independent, people who get to know me will find that out based on the way I live my life. And yes, it should go without saying, as it's a given.
I have asked that someone I date be an independent person and not need a woman though. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 10:46:15 AM |
Why is "not needing" a man negative? I don't need a man, but I want a man in my life. If I "needed" a man, then I would suffer not having one, wouldn't I? I mean, if I NEED plasma or antibiotics and I don't get them, I will suffer. I am not suffering.
If someone loses a person that they love, either voluntarily or through death, do they not “suffer” the loss of that person and the “lack” of that person in their lives? If they had only “wanted” that person, but not “needed” that person, does that mean that they do NOT “suffer” when that person is gone from their lives?
If “wanting” something or someone, as opposed to “needing” them is believed to “protect” people from “suffering”, I will gladly NEED my man. I WANT to suffer when he’s gone, because then I’ll know that my depth of love for him was genuine, and that there WILL be a LACK in my life when he is no longer with me. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:14:21 PM |
If “wanting” something or someone, as opposed to “needing” them is believed to “protect” people from “suffering”, I will gladly NEED my man. I WANT to suffer when he’s gone, because then I’ll know that my depth of love for him was genuine, and that there WILL be a LACK in my life when he is no longer with me. EXCELLENT EXTRAPOLATION! I keep asking myself, why put in so much energy and resources not forgetting all the associated and inherent risks to satisfy a mere want. I will certainly want to "need" my woman for whatever reason, and her likewise t further our relationship/partnership! | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:28:08 PM |
we tend as males to think it is just less grief to be single and dammed from a distance.
Cindy said -- And you don't think women aren't starting to feel the same way?
The big difference is the underlying reasons why women do compared to why men do. Both sides are sick of the lack of comfort in relationships, but women seem to want so dam much that it makes a human relationship impossible.
Men -- generally -- are content to just be comfortable and happy. Women are so fickle and so constantly changing in their behaviors that it becomes a constant source of stress and unnecessary drama to be involved with one. I have not found many women that have come to grips with that yet. There are some. It is not a blame issue -- but it is a behavioral thing that I think women rarely notice in themselves until they are much older, and even then many don't see it -- as opposed to others that do see it and see the negative behavior as part of who they are. As if because they are a "modern woman" then that gives them some social permission to identify with being a "bytch" or similar negative forming mindsets. That is not to say that there are not men who are jerks too, but there is much that is wrong with modern female culture.
No doubt I will get the usual flames and accusations just by saying this -- but I suspect most men will agree with it. Women asked men to change during the nineties. Well now men are asking women to change for the better. Not many takers though it seems. Oh well.
Good luck.
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:37:10 PM | Kind of scary that people get into relationships becaseu they "need" someone. A bit better to get into a healthy relationship because you enjoy someone's company.
I am assuming you mean women who are trying to say they are financially secure to promotethe fact that the are not "gold diggers."
But not all woman are independent right? not all men are independent. There are a lot of people who are serial daters who do "need a man" in their bed or in their house regardless of how dangerous or wacked that man is.. even if he is harming them or their children.
So if the woman seems like the rest of her profile is pretty normal, you might want to give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her specifically what she means! | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:40:15 PM |
Women are so fickle and so constantly changing in their behaviors that it becomes a constant source of stress and unnecessary drama to be involved with one. I have not found many women that have come to grips with that yet.
Wow! You seem so emotionally healthy in your observations! (Oh please do not miss the sarcasm in that)
That is kind of a jaded wacko statement about "women." Uh... I hope you get the counseling you need to have more healthy relationships... wow... | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:00:49 PM |
Men -- generally -- are content to just be comfortable and happy. Women are so fickle and so constantly changing in their behaviors that it becomes a constant source of stress and unnecessary drama to be involved with one.
Give concrete examples of each and we'll see if what you perceive as valid are what other people see as valid.
Men are content to just be comfortable and happy - can he be comfortable and happy on his own or does he need a woman to be so? Apparently not, because women are so difficult to deal with.
Women are fickle and so constantly changing in their behavior - what are your examples? They do and then don't want to be comfortable and happy? Men are totally static and nothing ever waivers about them from day to day? They're as boring and one dimensional as you would like to make them appear to be by your statements?
Please do expound on the generalizations and please do continue to justify why you believe men are simplistic beings who only want to be compfortable and happy and there is nothing else to their character beyond that. I'm certain there is a plethora of evidence from people who know and have studied human psychology, of both men and women, who could blow your theories out of the water. It would just be intersting, however, to see if the "everyday" person could do likewise once you state your position with more clarity. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:23:17 PM | What's so bad about needing?
If I want to love a man, in a real and physical way, isn't it then necessary to have a real physical man body to perform these actions upon? Necessary, as in NEED? If I want to play soccer, I'll need a ball. Wanting and needing sometimes go hand in hand.
If I'm feeling like a romp in the sack, I either need my boyfriend there in the flesh, or I go on wanting. Where is the satisfaction in that? Perpetual wanting....who needs that?
I think that the word need has become corrupted. Granted, some people are overly needy, and I think this is what all the freaking out is about. But for normal people, assuming they exist, you can need without being needy. It's ok to need some things. Considering most relationships end because someone didn't get their needs met, I'd say we should take another look at our needs and decide which ones are normal and healthy and accept our neediness of those things, even if it exposes our vulnerabilities.
What's so bad about declaring, "I don't need a man." ???????
Have your lover look you in the eye and say, "I don't need you." See how that feels. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:08:41 PM | p pie:
Considering most relationships end because someone didn't get their needs met.. I bet you its the same "people" here who entered into the relationship proclaiming they are there to satisfy their "WANTS" who end up leaving complaining about their "NEEDS" not being met. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:16:11 PM | Wow. I'm one of those who admits that I am independent, and that I don't "need" a man to make me happy. I guess I didn't look at how that would have a negative impression on guys.
So please allow me to explain why I thought that being "independent" would be a positive attribute.
I've been on my own for over 20 years. I've seen plenty of relationships where the woman just fell apart if when the man was gone, or the man took advantage of the fact his woman depended on him for her happiness and used her. Women like that may be appealing to some guys, but those are not the type of guys I want to attract. I want a guy who doesn't feel like he 1) always needs to hold me up, 2) always needs to tell me what to do, or 3) has to keep me happy. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on a guy. He should want to spend time with me because he enjoys my company, not because I stress him out otherwise.
So what does that mean? That means that I don't call him 10x a day. That means that, if he says he's going to call me, and he doesn't, I get the message that he's not interested. That means that if the toilet needs replacing, and he doesn't get around to it, I will. I'll also mow the lawn, change the oil, fix the fence, and anything else that needs to be done because if I waited around for a man to do it, it may not get done. So that is my definition of being independent. In this day and age, women only "need" men for one thing, LOL.
However, when you find your soulmate, everything I just said is shot to hell. Then you will NEED that person like you need air to breath.
I am independent. I don't need a man to get me through life. But by God I would love to find one who changes all that!javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:08:00 PM | Makeba:
I bet you its the same "people" here who entered into the relationship proclaiming they are there to satisfy their "WANTS" who end up leaving complaining about their "NEEDS" not being met.
I'd have to agree. I have a friend in that exact position. Told her husband when they met, "I don't need you, I'm a fiercely independent woman." Now they're divorcing because he's never met her needs.
And Smiles...
However, when you find your soulmate, everything I just said is shot to hell. Then you will NEED that person like you need air to breath.
I am independent. I don't need a man to get me through life. But by God I would love to find one who changes all that! Right on! That's what I'm talking about.
There are needs, and there are needs. I can bring in the firewood myself. Give me love any day. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:24:31 PM |
What's so bad about declaring, "I don't need a man." ???????
Have your lover look you in the eye and say, "I don't need you." See how that feels.
You all are confusing needing "a" man with GROWING to need someone you've dated, moved in with, been with for some time.
If someone I was with a LONG time said that I'd be more hurt than I would if a guy I haven't met yet said "I don't need a woman" which isn't about me (unless I take it personally and think it's all about me which is a big mistake anyway most of the time) but about the gender. I'd actually prefer a man I barely know said he didn't need a woman, it'd show that he was emotionally stable. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:01:32 PM |
I'd actually prefer a man I barely know said he didn't need a woman.... How many of you ladies will agree to a 2nd date if a man told you thus on the first date? Such a guy will be branded as arrogant, a jerk, uncouth, disrespectful, tactless etc etc. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:01:41 PM | I was once contacted by a woman who was obviously very bitter. It sounded like she was trying to push away everyone with her little bio. I actually replied and told her she needed to get it together. She replied with something along the lines of "whatever".
What raises flags in my mind are those women who always profess some deep passion for sports, like every guy is a sports freak. For a while, it seemed that every woman just loooved everything about the outdoors...and sports. Sure, there are women who love it, and there are guys who don't much care. But, to read this in almost every profile makes me think they are all lying. And, frankly, I think it's insulting to think all guys would automatically be attracted to a woman who is into sports. | |
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