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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:35:06 PM | | I'm independent. Never married. I make my own money. (wish I made more) I come and go as I please. My life is SO MUCH BETTER with a life partner. Don't penalize me for doing what I had to do these past years. I have heard it from more than one boyfriend that they felt insecure because I didn't "need" them. I told them they should feel so much more secure in our relationship because I was there of absolute free will, that they didn't have to impress me, "buy" me, entertain me, support me. Just be there. Eat meals together, do yardwork together, go to bed at more or less the same time, (unless I worked nights at the time,) have eachother's back so to speak. Knowing someone has your back in this crazy world is worth everything. That is the one thing no one can do for themselves. You can overprep for emergencies, keep their fluids topped off in their vehicles, they can put in a burglar alarm, update their insurance policy, you can buy every DVD and load up your ipod to the gills with whatever you want to hear. You can buy toys, go places, but you can never watch your own back. To me, that is all it boils down to. Someone to trust, enjoy, and watch out for eachother as we go through life, whatever that means. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:45:38 PM |
Interesting how many of the ladies here looking for a long term relationship put in their profile " I don't need a man... I want a man...blah, blah, blah.." I am independent ... and can do blah blah on my own etc etc", "I am happy with my life the way it is.. but.." etc etc etc!!.
Well, am I the only one who sees such statements as RED flags?
OP -- Nope. Not at all. If I was to see that on a profile, I'd click "Next" quicker than a hiccup.
Comments like that ain't just a Red FLAG...it's a Red PLANETOID.
I can see those types burnin' their bras in the backyard for sport. Spouting the same diatribe loud enough and long enough that they may actually convince themselves of the words they've written. 'Cause they ain't convincing anyone else.
And then wondering why the Hell they're still single.
Gee...lemme think about that... | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:05:29 PM | Good job, Life 2.0.
What I mean (and I can only speak for myself; we women are actually all individuals), is that I can take care of myself and I want to make sure I don't attract needy men--especially those who think relationships require a mutual "need." In my experience, neediness--in any degree--overrides the ability to see and appreciate the other person for whom s/he actually is. I'd like to find someone to whom I can say, "I don't need you in my life, but I sure as heck WANT you in it!" And I hope to find someone who feels that way about me, too. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:19:21 PM | OP, I see those kinds of statements as contradictory. It seems like women who put those statements in their profile are doing so to attract man in a round about way. It doesn't make much sense because why would they be on a dating site if they don't need a man. They want a man, but they don't need one if that makes any sense.  | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:34:01 PM | OP, I think you are misreading what women mean when they say those things. They are not red flags automatically. I used to have things like that in my profile and often articulated as much in these forums. What I meant was:
1. I am financially independent....not looking for a man's income to sustain my lifestyle.
2. I am not looking to cling onto any man - I have a life of my own, friends, activities that keep me entertained, I don't need a man to fill every moment of my day. I am ready for an inter-dependent type relationship, not the kind where I can't function without a man in my life.
3. I don't need a man, I want a man and when I meet the right man (which I have), I will grow to need him (which I have). I depend on him. I seek out his advice. I look forward to spending time with him. I enjoy spending time with him. If he is busy, I'm not whining that he is doing something without me or calling/texting him 200 times a day. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:48:37 PM | Interesting how many of the ladies here looking for a long term relationship put in their profile " I don't need a man... I want a man...blah, blah, blah.." I am independent ... and can do blah blah on my own etc etc", "I am happy with my life the way it is.. but.." etc etc etc!!.
Thank GAAAaaaaaWWwwD! for an original thread!
I'm so fvcking tired of those stupid threads that invite women to explain, once again, ad nauseum, how they WANT, rather than NEED a man.
Thank you, OP.
I'm SO fvcking happy that FINALLY I can come out of the closet and state that because women don't NEED me or any man, they can take all their expectations of what I and and every other man out there ought to be, what we ought to be doing, and stuff it.
Go find your sperm somewhere else.
And, because WANTS are not NEEDS, why would I care about THEIR WANTS before my own?
Women WANT, they WANT, they WANT and that's probably a good thing for them, but I really don't NEED to give a shit. I don't WANT to give a shit about women's NEEDS anymore....
... and, obviously, women don't NEED men, so why the heck would we WANT to keep listening to the bullshit? Women NEED to be heard but they don't WANT to listen.
Women don't even know the difference between the WANTS and their NEEDS, so why the fvck should I, or any other male, give a hoot?
Guys, just stop it.
Freeze your sperm then get a vasectomy at 19. Refuse to live with women. Men don't NEED women, we NEED a hole and one will serve many.
Guys, just imagine a wonderful world filled with sports bars, electronics, great camaraderie, no tofu, cool cars, conversation that doesn't start with, "We need to talk," or, "I've asked you SO many times....,", "Honey, would you mind...,"...
....interesting books and stimulating converstion...
... fvck... just imagine....
Women NEED us.
Let's just WANT women for the next few decades.
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:32:49 PM |
"I Don't Need A Man..", "I very Independent"..etc etc = RED Flags?
In most cases it's a red flag. I have heard many women say this in the forms with the intention to simply annoy.
Obvoiusly no woman needs a man, and no man needs a woman - not in the strictest sense of the word "needs". | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:49:48 PM | I'm with .marc on the whole want/need thing. *grins*
I get why women are saying this stuff. I once had independent on my profile to indicate I'm not the needy, clingy type. Once I read the forums and heard what men had to say about it, I removed it. I figured anyone reading my profile would 'get' I wasn't a clingwrap kinda gal so saying 'independent' was redundant.
The words on your profile are intended to communicate with men. So it seems to me, the sensible thing is to use the words that will resonate with the type of man you want. It's not enough to say "but this is what I meant" if the fellows have clicked off you profile cuz the wording/attitude is a red flag to them. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:54:47 PM | Well stated, .marc. I think more of us should have that wierd cough syrup you're on, if there's enough to go round. I am generally liberal of thought but have some traditional adherences, and I can't help but agree with this statement...
[(I've always argued that the breakdown of mutual need over the last 30 years +- is one of the major factors in the increase in divorce. Mutual need kept families together. Now, I'm not saying that you need to be totally reliant on the other person like you used to have to be, but I would prefer someone be with me because I fulfill a need, even if it's just by something in my inner ".marcness" if you will. Wants change over time. I might want a burger, but tomorrow I'll want a pizza. Needs tend to go deeper than that.)]
The good old definitions of 'need' clash once again; Objective need vs Psychological need. I would never imagine myself as not needing the companionship of one of the oposite gender (psychological) just because I may be of 'independent' financial means (objective). They have a roles in my life that I would not have one of my gender, including myself, fulfill. In their absence I do what I can, or do without. I do not interprete need as desperation, clinginess or inadequacy on my part or theirs. I would not need to discuss my financial standing in my profile for anyone to piece together my suitability as a friend. Financial independence ≠ Psychological independence.
We can't all live like The Waltons, but I would rather be surrounded by lovely, caring friends than be in some of the plastic relationships that have sprouted from independent behaviour, selfishness, mistrust and general disintegration of society into one-member units.
At the end of a hard day, I may log on here and elsewhere to share in the mutual comfort friends of both genders offer. Do we want it? Or do we need it, the comfort. I think we need it, and that does not lessen our worth. If you have vetted your friendships wisely there should be a bond not weakened by independent behavior as described above. My 2-pence worth. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:00:41 PM |
Thank GAAAaaaaaWWwwD! for an original thread!
I'm so fvcking tired of those stupid threads that invite women to explain, once again, ad nauseum, how they WANT, rather than NEED a man.
Thank you, OP.
I'm SO fvcking happy that FINALLY I can come out of the closet and state that because women don't NEED me or any man, they can take all their expectations of what I and and every other man out there ought to be, what we ought to be doing, and stuff it.
Go find your sperm somewhere else.
And, because WANTS are not NEEDS, why would I care about THEIR WANTS before my own?
Women WANT, they WANT, they WANT and that's probably a good thing for them, but I really don't NEED to give a shit. I don't WANT to give a shit about women's NEEDS anymore....
... and, obviously, women don't NEED men, so why the heck would we WANT to keep
listening to the bullshit? Women NEED to be heard but they don't WANT to listen.
Women don't even know the difference between the WANTS and their NEEDS, so why the fvck should I, or any other male, give a hoot?
Guys, just stop it.
Freeze your sperm then get a vasectomy at 19. Refuse to live with women. Men don't NEED women, we NEED a hole and one will serve many.
Guys, just imagine a wonderful world filled with sports bars, electronics, great camaraderie, no tofu, cool cars, conversation that doesn't start with, "We need to talk," or, "I've asked you SO many times....,", "Honey, would you mind...,"...
....interesting books and stimulating converstion...
... fvck... just imagine....
Women NEED us.
Let's just WANT women for the next few decades.
I don't know what I just read here, but it was hilarious. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:07:15 PM | OP, you are right about such statements sending out a negative vibe right away.
The way I see things, I can excuse an older woman saying something like that. But then again, the older they are, the less likely you are to see them "strutting" such statements in their profile. What irks me is young women like myself (under say 40 yrs), never married, never experienced "togetherness" making such statements. If an older woman says that, I am sure she has something to compare it to ..say a previous marriage etc etc..!
Yes I make my own money, ...so does the guy..!! I am independent...so is the guy! I can make it on my own.... so is HE. I don't hear the men making such statements in their profiles - so why are we women doing thus? It is GIVEN that you are independent. And the truth is we DO NEED them in our lives.
Infact I sometimes wonder why GUYS still want us. We basically are looking for GUYS that will come and fit nicely into a LIFE we have created for our selfish selves.. We WANT them to fit in like a jigsaw puzzle.... but we don't WANT to fit into theirs.
Why are we on a dating site if we are so OK with our life as it is now? | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:37:11 PM | Why are men so scared of woman who are independent?
I am one of those independent woman, and yes in the past the word, " I don't need a man" have passed my lips.
I do not need a man, I have a decent paying job, have raised my kids to adults, will have a pension, pay my own bills ect. I have a lot of friends and like to do my own thing.
That in NO way does not mean that I did not hope to meet someone to share my world with yet remain independent.
And yes, Men do exist that value a woman who is independent, who can take care of herself and him if need be. One who will not break down and cry if she breaks a nail.
I did meet such a man and we have been together for five month's. As much as I did not need him, he did not need me. But together "WE" enjoy each others company on every level. There is no mistrust, jealousy or any of the other negative emotions that will erode and eat away at a relationship.
I have his back and he has mine. He knows that I will go out of my way to do something for him because I choose to, not because it is required of me. He knows when I spend time making him a nice meal it is because I choose to. He knows I choose to be with him and I know he chooses to be with me. In that fact alone it is a very comforting and secure feeling, to know you can be yourself and be loved for who you are. Even the idiosyncrises. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:49:27 PM | I refer myself as able to be interdependent. Independence isn't something I aim for. While I am occasionally one who prefers to do most things on my own, I know when I require help and I know how to ask for it if need be.
Sometimes you need to pocket your pride. But I will readily admit that I don't require a man specifically to fill my needs. I'm flexible, versatile and able to adjust my sails in order to get my needs met.
It would be a sorry life to have to rely on any one gender for something. That's what community, friends, family is for. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/23/2009 12:19:43 AM |
I refer myself as able to be interdependent. Independence isn't something I aim for. While I am occasionally one who prefers to do most things on my own, I know when I require help and I know how to ask for it if need be.
.... furthermore....
... all you broads, erm... women folks who love to wave your independence in the air.... who cares? Really?
Welcome to the world.
You know what I got as a graduation present? I got a large, industrial strength plastic Samsonite suitcase.
You know what the message from my parents was in giving me that suitcase?
" You are a guy. You've graduated high school. You are independent. Yay, for you!Here's your suitcase, now fvck off. We love you, you are always welcome back as long as you conduct yourself in a respectful, adult-like manner, good luck, but it's time for you to fvck off."
You know what I did?
I packed all of my T-shirts, my jeans, my 3 Penthouse magazines, my clock radio, filled up the other three quarters of my Samsonite with happy memories and I fvcked off.
Helllllllloooooooo, World! I'm fvcking independent!
I didn't even KNOW I was independent so I didn't feel any need to declare it. I'm STILL independent and don't declare it. I used to go home for visits and even to stay a while. You know what my parents did? They welcomed me home, mom cooked me my favourite dinner of Roast Beast and Yorkshire Puddng.
YAHOOO! I was independent and I could still depend on my mom to cook me a great dinner and on my dad to buy me a beer.
Funny, though, they never told me I was independent. Shit, I didn't even think about my independence until I started hearing all these independent, strong women folks yapping about it.
Because I pay attention to a lot of stuff and I used to consider myself a feminist, I'd like to give all of you independent broads a large, hard plastic Samsonite suitcase by way of helping you out. In many ways I'm still a strong feminst, because I truly believe in equality, so I think my gift to you is my way of giving you all the equality you could ever hope to achieve.
Accept this Samsonite, ugly as fvck as it may be, in the good faith in which it is given
Fill it with whatever the fvck you want. My gaunch took up a bit at the bottom of mine, your marvelously flimsy triangly bits of whimsy or even your granny gauch oughta take up a small corner, which will leave a lot of room for your make-up and the various trowels you use to apply it. Your shoe collection likely won't fit, so I recommend packing only the sensible ones.
When you've got all of your shit in there, close it, lock it and read the note I've attached. It reads much like the implied message my parents gave to me:
" Welcome to the world. This is your shit. You wanted your independece, you got it. Now, fvck off. Come back sometime and I'll cook you a Roast Beast with Yorkshire Pudding. Bring a bottle of wine for you and a six pack for me."
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/23/2009 5:11:50 AM | As some have stated, I've known a great deal of independent people in my life, and most of them don't feel the need to declare it. (Unless they're drunk and doing an impression from Eddy Murphy's "Raw," "This is my house! I pay the bills on this m-fer, and if you don't like it, get the f- out!")
I tend to agree with the Capt here. What's the point in loudly proclaiming yourself to be independent?
I'm too am feminist in the sense that I believe in equality.
Some people, however, have waded off into the deeper end where men are the enemy.
I don't get why some women seem to think that men are afraid of independent women.
Let me be very, very clear.
I'm 28 years old. My mom and my aunts were among the last, "You have three choices girls, you can either be a receptionist, a nurse, or a teacher" generation. (Yes, I heard this conversation one Christmas. 2 nurses and a teacher.)
Anyhow. The women I've grown up with and the women that I'm friends with (and I tend to have more female friends than male friends as a rule... I grew up on a street with mostly girls) have jobs and pay their bills.
Let me say that again more concisely: All of the women I know have jobs and pay their own bills.
All of the women I know are financially independent.
All of the women I know handle their shit.
I never knew my grandfather on my father's side. The tough one, the Marine that once bought a shotgun because it was on sale, but I like to think that if I said to him, "Grandpa, I pay my bills!" he'd tell me, "Of course you do. You're a 28 year old man, and that's what men do."
It hasn't been something that "men" do in a long time.
Grown people pay their own bills. Grown people are independent.
When I hear someone say "I'm independent," I hear "I'm grown up."
The louder they say it, the more I think of my nephew going, "I'm a big boy!"
As to the whole "I don't need a man," bit... well, as I see it that's got a few things working against it.
1. As far as I'm aware women have not yet mastered mitosis.
2. Whenever I hear this, I hear, "I don't need you." (I, being a man, make the statement personal and relevant to me.) Not something you want to hear from someone that you're considering asking out.
3. Most men, at least in my observation, have a desire to be needed. For many of us it is a relationship need. (And gents, please don't beat me up... I know I don't speak for everyone.)
But back to the original point.
Men are not afraid of independent women. If we were, I'd have to buy a lot more brown pants. I've known less than a handful of women that WEREN'T able to take care of themselves in my entire lifetime. (One of my grandmothers lost her husband early and hadn't worked that much. She'd been a housewife. I've only known two or three housewives.)
You pay your own bills? You take care of yourself? You're an adult. Of course you do.
I don't know anyone that's looking for someone that is looking to date a child.
But I'm also not looking to date someone who feels the constant need to shout, "I'm a grown up!!!" | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/23/2009 5:33:05 AM | I am wary of anyone who toots thier horn about things that I just expect in an adult.
I expect any adult, male or female, to be able to be independant, and not 'need' to lean on others all the time.
In my experience, the ones who claim to be this way, are really not at all. They wouldnt feel the need to proclaim it if they are.
I liken it to somone who calls themselves classy. No one who has any class refers to themselves as classy. And people who are truly independant dont give a rats ass what anyone else thinks and do not feel the need to call themselves independant. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/23/2009 6:00:08 AM | Well, this idea is flirted with on a lot of threads, in various ways, here's my take on it.
I think we (women) have had it pounded into us that we shouldn't need a man - the times have changed, we can have it all, and go get it for ourselves. I'm good with that - up to a point. The line in the sand for me is where somehow that came to mean that love is a form of "codependancy" and "needing" a relationship made you somehow defective.
So twisting a little of your original platitude OP...I don't have a man in my life right now, and I don't need one, I want one...but when I find the right one - I will need him. And guess what? He'll need me just as much. | |
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