slumpy
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Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 51 | |
| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:32:04 PM | You don't want or should have the need to work at a relationship. It should happen naturally...
In this world of Internet communication, Blackberries, high stress, more work, etc. the last thing someone needs is work when they come home. If it don't happen naturally, don't do it  | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:34:12 PM |
Makes me want to ask exactly why you don't get enjoyment out of holding someone's hand?
There are many enjoyments in life. Some enjoyment can't be replaced by others. What I have said is about love not holding someone's hand. You don't understand this. I believe I have more enjoyments than you have. Looking for friends on a dating site is NOT an enjoyment for me!!! | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:35:28 PM | by the second or third time around the path of my own self awareness was found by logic..........simple solid answer.
the common denominator in those three was moi....impossible to miss even for lil old uneducated me. the blame target became myown awareness of reactive conduct.
once you round up the same issues from all three you have or find the clarity with self to explore and dig out your own character defects....take responsibility for them and offer number four some wisdom of that lesson.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh number 4 where the heck are ya.
 licks monitor..... 
goodluck to the blaming anyone but yourself....cuz the lesson is pretty close to the same for many i betcha. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:52:20 PM | One marraige and 3 LTR. I ruminated on the marraige for 15 years trying to see if I could have made it work... if only, what if ... I refused to look at the salient point - I was not who he wanted in a wife and I was unwilling to become who he wanted. He married her 11 days after the divorce was final and they are married now over 25 years. I still would not want to be her.
I have learned that I am responsible for who I pick, how long I take to get to know them well enough, and how I stay true to myself during the relationship. In the LTRs I realized that my 'picker was broke" and I have fixed it. I learned that I was too quick to attach and become determined to make it work. And I've fixed that.
Staying true to myself is a work in progress. I don't always get it right. People pleasing is deeply ingrained and I can sneak into it very easily. Being too loyal can be an issue ... and I have to remember not to be the doormat my mom was.
Have I learned ? Imperfectly yes. Will I make mistakes again? Yes ... the same mistakes? If I forget the lessons, yes. If I did not fully understand the lesson, possibly, if I got the lesson backwards, yes. And I have done all of those. grins.
Most important lesson? It took 2 of us to make it and 2 of us to break it. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:55:12 PM | Makes me want to ask exactly why you don't get enjoyment out of holding someone's hand?
rearg, that isn't what she said, lol! What she said was she felt pain because she couldn't *find* someone to hold hands with. I'd say that's pretty much the sentiment of most who post here, eh?
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/26/2009 2:25:16 PM |
I have learned that I am responsible for who I pick, how long I take to get to know them well enough, and how I stay true to myself during the relationship.
I was raised to understand and bear my responsibilities. I am responsible for everything I have. I must make sound decisions for myself to be happy and confident.
that's pretty much the sentiment
Wooby is smart. Many people tell in their profiles they like to hold hands but don't understand why they hold hands...LOL! | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:56:36 PM | I guess I'm someone who had one of those special marriages, I'm not saying it didn't take work, but the amount of work involved was way less than the enjoyment we both had. It lasted almost 38 years until she died.
Sounds like at least some of you are getting it figured out....others I feel sorry for. And those are the ones who have had multiple failures (marriages) and still haven't figured out the common denominator! Still blaming their pickers and not taking any responsibility for their part! I've heard it time and time again....."I just made bad choices in men!" That's one of the biggest copout I've heard, and the easiest thing to say! If a therapist gave you that answer...I'd ask for my money back! I call BS on anyone whose had 4 or more failed marriages who didn't at least contribute 50% to the failures.......some people should take a good hard look at themselves rather than blame everyone else for the failures! | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:43:25 PM | Rick, I'd have to say that "I have had a bad picker" *IS* taking responsibility. It may also be very true. Looking back at my two marriages, I think I simply assumed a level of sensitivity and commitment that wasn't there. It's an area where I watch, ask, and followup now. And it hasn't happened again. On the plus side, my last relationship was simply wonderful, and amazingly easy: when the match is good, you're doing what pleases them because it pleases you. I have zero doubt that had he lived, we'd be together now, and I'd never have heard of plenty of fish, lol! But I also know that I'd gotten a good bit better at allowances* and so had he -- perhaps had we met in our twenties, we *wouldn't* have made it at all.
The one I'm in now, courtesy of PoF is not a replay of the last, except in its ease. He matches me in places the last one didn't, takes me places I've never been before (nothing to do with geography), and supports me in different areas. And yet is every bit as good as last time. That we (as humans, being) seem to be animals with many keys and many keyholes is very cheering to me.
My little sister has had a marriage of 35 plus years and 11 kids. She was wise enough at 19 to ask the questions I didn't learn to ask till I was over fifty. Her picker was in great shape while I was willing to go on faith. Perhaps I learned a bit from her.
*allowances ~~ as in "How much does this really matter?" and "Is this his issue or mine?"
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:51:23 PM |
So now I wonder, if we somehow learn the wrong lessons from failure? And how do we change that? Is it even possible to change, or are we doomed to just doing more of the same?
I think we learn from life... what TO do... and what NOT TO do. You have learned what NOT to do.... NOT to put up with someone else's lack of effort. What TO do?.... well, recognize that you deserve better.... recognize that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.... and when he starts treating you with less than that... let him know. If he is willing to work on that with you - great... if not, then you have the "what not to do" to look to for guidance. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:17:17 PM | know what i think we learn to read our reactions and we learn to not rush into nothing without having our speed respected.
....it can be the right person and just wrong timing for one....it can be a upgrade in ones ethics for themself is a lesson to self check the lust at the door....
we evolve at our own speed...no one is exactly the same as another and sometimes if you meet the right person i think you could click if you have intrest and matching spirits.
life is not magic...is a series of choices...isn't it?(some will be mistakes and with that we learn to read our own energy so we begin to learn to trust our outcome as we grow stronger in that)
i do know you need two people in the same wave length and the same goals with developed patience and all that hookie.....heck just like everything in life we fail we try something new...don't worry communicating and learning to find patience to self is a dicipline worth harvesting cuz you can not fail with investing in yourself...
no fear me thinks....just live it and enjoy each phase as you grow thru it...we are all in exactly the right place for US.
goodluck to every single lil fishy...is why i believe life begins at around fourty cuz you spend the first fourty getting over yourself......kinda.
or at least i sure as heck did....kickin my own azz feels great cuz i need to ALL THE TIME>>>>>>>is a skill to beat ones self up and grow from it...is a dirty job so i assigned myself to it....chuckles...
goodluck to all the folks who know how that feels....but me thinks it is good to clean the shelf and find out why the past is significant to yourself ....big hugs to those who know exactly how it feels to grow...hurts like h3ll but worth every slide....imo anyway. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:20:44 PM |
Is it even possible to change, or are we doomed to just doing more of the same?
We can change fundamentally anytime we summon the courage to learn the lessons and seek the path forward. Never never stop. Dilly-dally maybe but never stop. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:26:20 PM |
You don't want or should have the need to work at a relationship. It should happen naturally...
LOL!! That's funny. Just add water and "poof" - the perfect natural relationship appears.
Nothing good ever comes free. It takes work and mostly work on Self. Unless you have mastered who and what you are, found everlasting joy, peace and gratitude and your name is Buddha, then it takes work each and every day.
A great relationship with another soul is all about learning and growing and experiencing.....that takes work but the bonus is it's also fun. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:40:47 AM |
A great relationship with another soul is all about learning and growing and experiencing.....that takes work
No, no, no Luv2Ski. You clearly have not been reading the forums, or if you have, you just have not paid any attention. The way it works is you set up a pile of requirement, barriers, restrictions and hoops to be jumped, freeze your own personality and needs in hardened concrete, then sit back and wait until the perfect partner falls into your lap.
With your attitude, you are never ever going to find someone to be with...... | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:53:15 AM | the notion of being with the wrong person and watching the right person walk right by fits into the equasion of allowing bad decisions for yourself and dropping the choices to find a higher level of respect for yourself.(isn't that same circle or merry go round getting dull?????)...esteem comes from within certainly not froma parenting partner.
.oh go ahead set the structure high and learn where you need to communicate your destiny...because the notion you need to be with the wrong person to feel whole is a big old joke....
if you determine solo as incomplete that is..............
too bad some feel such a huge responsibility to follow others instead of finding the spirit to follow themself..............to be completely whole and content single and learn to lead yourself instead of sucking your value out of another adult....
oh i forgot you have to be a rabbit jumping from hole to hole to see if you fit.....roar. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:21:49 AM |
So now I wonder, if we somehow learn the wrong lessons from failure? And how do we change that? Is it even possible to change, or are we doomed to just doing more of the same?
My never married Aunt gave me some of the best advice. A teacher, she said the problem is you learn what worked or didn't work for one group and applied those lessons to the next year's group, forgetting that they would be different, with a different dynamic and different needs. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/29/2009 1:34:54 PM |
It's Margo: the problem is you learn what worked or didn't work for one group and applied those lessons to the next year's group, forgetting that they would be different, with a different dynamic and different needs.
Soooo true; and, lands you in a world of frustration. Learned that one through experience, myself. Whew. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:12:37 PM | | Third time??! Perish the thought! The first time may be a "no brainer", but the second time around should require the utmost thought and soul searching and with effort, it could work out. But, three times is an addiction.......find a less damaging hobby. "Chemistry" should be effortless.....RELATIONSHIP requires WORK. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:19:50 PM | Margo ~~ too true, alas! My goal has been never to be like the cat who sat on a hot stove, and learned never to sit on *any* stove (even a cold one and it was in front of the only window out); i.e., not to learn *more* than was actually IN a lesson, lol!
As for Three is an Addiction. . . . too funny. To try every twenty years hardly seems like an addiction. Jus' me. But clearly, just letting them have their way more is *not* the direction of salvation. Somehow new skills, ones one didn't have before, and obviously don't have naturally, need learning. . . .
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:31:34 PM | As for me the end of the first marriage was a killer - married 23 years, so when I got married the second time I thought it would work. Wrong again! It is hard to get up the energy and courage to make another committment - heck it is hard to even talk to someone on line - much less go on a date. I tell my girls forever is not as long as it used to be!!!
Now I just be myself and when someone comes along - great - it not well that is fine too. I have much more confidence in myself and I am happy with who I am (finally at age 52).
As for a third time - let's just live together - divorce is too complicated. | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 11/15/2009 3:18:48 PM | hmm. i posted on this topic twice in the past. just got a new thought. you pondered if we might be learning the wrong things from " failure". i was thinking just now, ENOUGH with the failure!
wouldn't it be "lovely" to learn from a whole slew of successes? with the same person even? 
man oh man.... | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 11/16/2009 5:04:39 PM | Learning from successes? Well, I suppose it's doable. . . . But I think (have observed) that we are even *more* wrong in what we learn from success. . . . Example: I had my first child ~~ who was quiet, patient, immanently teachable and very amenable to reason. From that I "learned" that my beliefs and meths of child rearing were *right on*! Two and a half years later, same mom, same beliefs and methods, different kid: EPIC FAIL. I learned *infinitely* more from raising a kid with whom none of the standard stuff worked -- had to stretch myself into an entirely new pretzel of motherhood, lol! I've often said that if I'd only had the first one, I would have been absolutely insufferable! Number 2 made me enormously humble. . . .
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 11/16/2009 6:52:46 PM | well, maybe not the exact details, but the possiblities...such as that you are loveble, can succeed at difficult things, have accomplished something meaningful and maybe even had a good date from pof!!!! i mean how many here have plain given up when bad things happen to them, let alone one after the other!?* if i hadn't experienced certain successes in life, i might not be all this trusting or positive (which does not, btw, equate to naive or stupid just in case one might surmise!) it's the good stuff that has kept me going to find more of it and weed out the bad stuff.
well, just a thought.... | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:22:07 PM | Husband Number 1: met when I was 15. He was the BMOC, Junior "A" hockey player and I was the short, painfully shy nerd. Part way through University, he got sick, I came home Easter Weekend, he was doing in-home dialysis with his father for the three weeks prior and when I showed up, dear father packed a bag and headed to Mexico for six months. Quit University, moved home, bought a 10x50 trailer, moved fiance and kidney machine in. Married shortly thereafter. Divorced in 1988.
Husband Number 2: after successfully obtaining custody of our children (I was in an alcohol treatment centre), I had to approach him for visitation and eventually asked him if I might have custody. He agreed, but said he came with them. I thought I had changed and perhaps he had as well. We married in 1990 and two months later I found out he had to go on dialysis again. This time was harder as we had the children, dialysis and I worked full time to support the family. Divorced in 2004 when the last child reached the age of majority.
Husband Number 3: met at a deli downtown by chance in June of 2008. He later found me on POF and we started meeting for lunches downtown. We became exclusive, we fell in love, got engaged and wed April 10, 2009.
Difference?
The first two times were out of a sense of duty.
The third time was out of a tremendous feeling of love.
Honestly, I am completely blessed.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around
Posted: 11/17/2009 4:23:30 PM |
but the possibilities...such as that you are lovable, can succeed at difficult things, have accomplished something meaningful
i mean how many here have plain given up when bad things happen to them, let alone one after the other!?* if i hadn't experienced certain successes in life, i might not be all this trusting or positive (which does not, btw, equate to naive or stupid just in case one might surmise!) it's the good stuff that has kept me going to find more of it and weed out the bad stuff.
True, as when you dealing with not yet knowing how to right the ship of life, you hoping learn from experience's and failures, in what works and is right in that makes you succeed!
And from reading other parts of this threads I often wonder if it's doing a better job in the next relationship or the fear of being alone.And in that case,repeating the same over again without what works and that doesn't?
Do we always learn through fear of emotions, or trials and tribulations to succeed and be happy and successful in life?
jmo | |
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