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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:30:50 PM | As for Bi-polar I made a comment elsewhere on a different thread. It may be a splitting of the pole where there is extremity from uncontrolled emotions for longer periods. It may stem from doing something that you really hated to do but kept on doing it without resolving the problem (it is a personal conflict, thus a splitting of the pole). Prior to the bi-polar you may experience worry, insomnia, burning sensation, hot and cold sweats, rage, and if not dealt with right away, there is rapid cycling.
For example, you are at home with husband who abuses you, he keeps hitting and you didn't think you had a choice but you did, yet you stayed to get attacked and physically and mentally abused and you detested it and hated the act. From your inner thoughts that you had to do something to resolve it to protect yourself (leave the situation) and did not act, which eventually lead to anxiety attacks then to "fight or flight" reaction, and eventually to guilt of shame for not having acted earlier to remove yourself from the situation. It is a wound to the mind, physical and emotional at once.
This is only one example of "personal distress of extreme trauma and anxiety" and which you, yourself, as protector did not love yourself (did not walk away from it or resolved it). There is a polarity splicing that occurred which intiatied an auto-mechanism of self-perservation (survival) to block out the harm from the trauma. This takes some time to heal and it requires you to acknowledge what you did (finding the root cause) and to forgive that action (forgive yourself and forgive the abuser(s)) and to let it go so that you can further heal in the process. In healing, may expereince depersonalization and derealization, states of unreality due to the PERSONAL CONFLICT which was self-induced. (You may have wanted to stay in the relationship due to financial reasons or for the sake of the kids, and stayed but hated the "ongoing" abuse, this is the personal conflict).
Forgiving does not mean not initiating legal action, as that is the right of any wrongs done to a person and for compensation (if this can wait or you forgo, get healing first).
Follow the earlier comment to receive healing from your wounds (from grief, sorrow, despair, loss of hope) and renew yourself (a new beginning or fresh start) in free conscience, in strength and stand by your conviction going forward (making good judgement or decisions). | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/29/2009 9:00:28 PM | voinin, have you tried group therapy? in addition to what you are doing .. you may also need to be reassessed. Sometimes you can build up a tolerance to your depression meds and might need to switch.
I'd suggest reassessing your meds, get plenty of sleep and exercise. Stay hydrated, depressives don't realize how important this is. Also take a multivitamin. Some depression meds affect your vitamin/mineral absorbtion and if you're low on vitamins that can make you tired. Exercise at LEAST 20 mins a day. Force yourself, even if you're tired. Pick a time of day when you feel MOST energetic and JUST DO IT. It wont' kill you and it WILL WORK EVENTUALLY. Same for being upbeat - JUST FAKE IT. Nobody will know you're faking it but you and sometimes you might actually find out you're NOT faking anymore and you're actually happy! 
Go to group and address this ... group therapy is great for just this type of thing. These are ppl like yourself who may have helpful input. But at the very least, you will be in a suppportive, accepting atmosphere. What you are seeking is acceptance - seek it FIRST IN YOURSELF. The rest will fall into place.
Also I'd say stop wearing your condition like a sign - you HAVE depression, it doesn't HAVE YOU. It's not your identity. Mozart was depressive, but he's not remembered for that.
Good luck! | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:04:30 AM | | hi i think you need to find someone able to except for who you are i too have problems like you i think its important to see yourself as a good guy looking for a connection no matter what you struggle with.with or without an illness you are still the same person. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/30/2009 1:09:40 PM |
I know this has been discussed before, but upon looking at previous threads my own specific situation hasn't been brought up.
I suffer from chronic severe depression with panic/anxiety disorder. Basically this means that I'm depressed and medication doesn't do a whole lot for it. (It's both chemical and psychological.)
That being said, I'm not a bad person to be around. I do not blame the world for my depression, I don't lay guilt trips on people, nor do I try to burden people with it. However it's there, it's been there as long as I remember (and I remember back to when I was 3) and it's not going to go away, even with treatment. (If you want to hear my opinions about treatment, at least for me, we can talk in another thread or privately. That's not what this post is about.)
In the two long term relationships I've had, my depression was a problem not because I was moody or cried all the time but because my partners could see that I have great potential and that I was not fulfilling that potential fast enough to suit them. (Trust me, I'm not so naive to think this was the only problem. But it certainly contributed.)
I understand this thinking. It can be very frustrating and it's sort of like being stuck behind a person in a sports car going 40 mph on the freeway when the traffic is not a problem. (I am, among other things, very empathetic and understanding so I know this is a real problem and not just one of impatience.)
So what's a guy like me to do? I know that it's not easy to be around me and the potential mate has to be very patient with me. I'm fun, intelligent, witty, like to do things with a partner and being in a loving relationship is helpful to me. (I had one doctor tell me that the best thing that could happen to me would be to have a woman in my life. It's not a co-dependency thing.) I obviously can't go into a relationship hiding this fact, not only because it's hard to hide but because I feel it's dishonest to do so.
Comments? Suggestions?
I had to go back and read the original post. I quoted it here since it's a couple of pages back.
I'm glad I did, because my first impression was to ask when people would answer the questions he asked, instead of telling the OP how to cure/treat/cope with/accept his psychiatric illness.
And now I see...he did ask for comments and suggestions, didn't he?
So I guess it was my error in perception.
Because what I perceived that he asked was a two parter that went something like this...
Should I really even consider a long term relationship with a woman, given the fact that I have life-long, chronic, clinical depression for which I have sought years worth of treatment, with frankly, disappointing results?
AND
If I shouldn't close the door on a LTR, should I disclose my illness, and if so, when?
And OP, if that snowball has a chance, and I am right, then here are my opinions...
1. Yes
2. As soon as there is clearly emotional investment by both you and the woman in question. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/30/2009 1:14:37 PM | | brother, speaking from experience, it's tough for us depressives to get a fair shake for exactly the reasons...and others, you've mentioned. The key for me was to accept that I cannot control others actions or emotions...I can only work on me and hope I find someone who really is looking for that long term relationship that endures these type of struggles that ironically, nearly every long term relationship will eventually face. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:57:00 AM |
voinin, have you tried group therapy? in addition to what you are doing .. you may also need to be reassessed. Sometimes you can build up a tolerance to your depression meds and might need to switch.
I have tried virtually all medically approved treatments except for ECT and MAOIs, the former because it scares the crap out of me and do not wish to go through the treatment and the latter because of the dietary and pharmacological restrictions they require and I don't think I could properly handle them. I knew a person who had gone through ECT and he wouldn't go through it again, it's that extreme.
As for group therapy, yes, I've tried it many times. One thing that has always happened in the therapy is some person says the dreaded, "you have to get over it," line. If I could get over it, I wouldn't need to be in therapy, would I? It shows utter disregard for what I'm dealing with and at that point my trust in the group has degraded to the point where I cannot participate any longer.
I do not wear my depression on my sleeve. I don't go out in public wailing to the world about how unfair things are and how awful I feel.
you HAVE depression, it doesn't HAVE YOU. It's not your identity.
I have no idea what this means. Well, I have an idea, but I'm afraid it doesn't apply to me. I have had depression as far back as I can remember. It's as ingrained in me as any other aspect of my mind. It does not stop me from being intelligent, witty, having a great personality, etc., but it does affect my relationships and that is a major point to this discussion. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:00:36 PM | | When you say the women you've dated ultimately become frustrated by your lack of motivation, is that related to getting treatment for your depression? | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:15:08 PM | op,
i think people mean well and are trying to help, but it's hard for them to fathom the true nature of with what you live. not much you can do but keep trying therapies...and meanwhile, hope for a medical breakthrough. sorry things are so tough for you. best. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:32:46 PM | Some final words about this.
Most of the comments to my original message have been attempts to be helpful I appreciate that very much and am grateful that people are willing to give their opinions on how to make things better for me. This is something that I like very much about most people.
Most people don't understand clinical depression. This is fine since most people don't have to deal with it. It's also something very difficult to wrap your head around when you have no experience with it. But if you think that clinical depression can be just wiped away by the same methods used to wipe away regular depression, you're showing your lack of understanding of the problem. It's like saying to somebody who has had a hand amputated, "Just try to pick it up anyway, if you believe hard enough it will happen." Sorry, it's not going to happen, no matter how much you wish it to.
A few people have said not to rely on "big pharma" or believe what the clinicians tell you. I don't rely on what they tell me. They don't keep me depressed. They have helped by trying to develop medications and treatments that will try to at least manage it. There is no conspiracy to keep me depressed so that they can keep getting money from me. Those of you who think that's the case haven't seen what I've done to try to manage my depression.
I believe in science. Science is a rigorous framework and process which strives to remove as much bias and wishful thinking as possible from developing treatments for diseases, figuring out why supernova happen or what causes earthquakes. This does not say that it escapes all of this as evidenced by how much money companies try to use to influence the FDA and other organizations, but it works pretty darn well. After all, the computer you're reading this on, the vaccines that eradicated smallpox and weather predictions given in the news are the results of science.
I guess in the final analysis I guess I posted this not so much to get advice on how to deal with my depression, although that may be what it appears to have been (sometimes I'm clumsy in my thinking) but what I really wanted was hope that there's a woman out there who would brave the rough waters of my depression to find out what a great guy I am and fall in love with me. Could it happen? I thought it did once, but my depression is a pretty potent thing and can wear down strong people. Hopefully there's somebody out there for me, but I'm looking for a pretty specific fish in that ocean out there. There are plenty of fish, but I'm looking for a rare one.
Thanks to you all who responded to my original post. It feels good to get the responses I've gotten, even the ones I don't agree with. I'm not all-knowing and all input is welcomed. Thank you all. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:41:44 PM |
When you say the women you've dated ultimately become frustrated by your lack of motivation, is that related to getting treatment for your depression?
Not at all. The best advice I've ever gotten for depression is not to find a cure for it but find ways to cope with it. As a result, a lot of my potential (which is considerable and I don't think I'm bragging here) simply isn't exploited. I am very intelligent but my depression keeps me from doing things like getting a degree, starting my own business, etc. While under the influence of a loving relationship I can achieve these things, the process is a lot slower than what it would be if I weren't depressed. There's a lot of frustration seeing that I've got a powerful engine but I never get out of first gear. The inclination is to grab me and scream, "GO, YOU IDIOT, YOU CAN MOVE FASTER THAN THAT!" It's sort of like watching a turtle race. I don't blame people for feeling this way. This is perfectly natural and very difficult to deal with. But it's something which can be a point of failure in a relationship. It's frustrating to me, too. I know I'm capable of so much. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:51:58 PM | I have a "social anxiety" issue, which my doctor wanted to treat with anti-depressants...problem is: I'M NOT DEPRESSED!! I've fought long & hard against my social anxiety...forcing myself to tend bar, go public places alone, start conversations with strangers, etc. and I've managed to overcome the majority of it.
I don't think I could handle dating someone who IS depressed though...Perhaps I'm afraid it will affect how I handle my own issues. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:34:23 PM | | As long as you don't expect others to be your free therapist or nurse. I have no problem dating nuts. As long as they know they are nuts and are doing something about it. It's when they don't know and they expect others to fix it or cater to it, or more specifically me to fix it. I am not a therapist or a nurse, let alone a free therapist or a nurse, and there is a well earned fee for those services because it is exhausting work, not fun dating, no fun at all. This is a free dating site and it is not a free mental health support forum. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:22:25 PM |
Lint Spotter: And your response shows that you do not understand depression. Actually, I do understand depression. I also understand when someone is using their disorder/disease as a crutch. The only person that can make a change to help you is... you.
As I've mentioned... you have alternatives to wallowing in self-pity, but they take time, energy, effort and determination. What I wonder at is why should we really care about you when you obviously prefer to maintain your depression and not care about yourself.  | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:53:36 PM |
I have a "social anxiety" issue, which my doctor wanted to treat with anti-depressants...problem is: I'M NOT DEPRESSED!!
The reuptake inhibitors (Paxil, Zoloft, Welbutrin, etc.) can deal with anxiety as well as depression. While the mechanism by which they work is known, what is not known is why inhibiting the reuptake mechanism can produce the effects they do. They're not exclusively for depression.
I've fought long & hard against my social anxiety...forcing myself to tend bar, go public places alone, start conversations with strangers, etc. and I've managed to overcome the majority of it.
I'm impressed with this. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did. I'm glad you were able to deal with this on your own terms.
I don't think I could handle dating someone who IS depressed though...Perhaps I'm afraid it will affect how I handle my own issues.
There's nothing wrong with this. Everybody deals with things the best way they can. Don't go camping if you can't deal with the bugs. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:03:23 PM |
Actually, I do understand depression. I also understand when someone is using their disorder/disease as a crutch
How am I using my depression as a crutch? At no time have I ever asked anybody for special treatment because I'm depressed. I've never told anybody, "You have to walk on eggshells around me because you might hurt my feelings," nor do I want anybody feeling sorry for me. I don't even think I've even implied this. What I have said is that an intimate partner will need a certain kind of strength and the capacity to deal with the effects of my depression. How many women do you think could fall in love with Stephen Hawking and deal with all the issues his disease has? A squeamish person who has to help with all the dirty stuff that most people do themselves (such as going to the bathroom) need not apply. But I don't see Hawking using his disease as a crutch.
The only person that can make a change to help you is... you.
Absolutely. I'm not asking anybody to cure me. It's not going to happen and I would never expect anybody to take that job.
As I've mentioned... you have alternatives to wallowing in self-pity, but they take time, energy, effort and determination. What I wonder at is why should we really care about you when you obviously prefer to maintain your depression and not care about yourself.
This shows that you don't understand what I'm going through. But I honestly don't expect anybody to understand. The way depression can be dealt with depends entirely on the person affected. I don't wallow in self-pity, I just feel an incredible, crushing sadness that never completely goes away. I don't try to inflict it on other people and in fact, I try very hard to avoid doing that. But wallow? No. I may not have very much self-esteem but I do have a strength of character that won't allow myself to do this. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:05:37 PM | OP, I'd email you but I live farther away from you than 75 miles, and I smoke.
I bet I can reply if you email me, though.... | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:20:09 PM | "So what's a guy like me to do?"
Date another depressed person. That's the only way she'll understand your moods. It's all about compatibility. But don't get too deep in discussions too quick, unless you get the sense that she wants to too. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:30:59 PM | I was diagnosed with severe depression 3 months ago, which caused me to be hospitalized for my symptoms. I understand that dating with mental illness can be scary for anyone.
I suggest you continue your personal or group therapy, if you involved in it.
Yes, you are going to explain to anyone you may be interested in the reason why you are popping those pills 1, 2 or 3 x daily. There are people out there that will be understanding with you. Unfortunately, others may not be able to deal with it. I met someone that was really nice, but he wasn't able to deal with my depression issues. I don't want to drag this out, but, everyone has someone out there just for them.
Good luck
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:20:46 PM | That is too bad that you are not accepting message from out of your state. I have good news for you about depression. I tried to message you but you are not accepting any message from outside of your state.
Oh well.... good luck to you. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:09:50 AM | Myself, I've made some lifestyle changes that have really helped with my ongoing mood disorder. Things like Diet and especially vigorous excercise help tremendously whether you're on meds or not. In fact, the excercise can often help with some of the worse side effects of the meds that men specifically face, ie: E.D. Basically, if I workout hard with weights, plyomentrics and cardio work, something almost every day of the week, a lot of the stress that builds into anxiety gets worked off...which helps keep the depression at bay, as for me, anxiety tends to bring on a depressive state. I believe this is a chemical effect as much as the psychological one of just doing something good for yourself so I recomend it highly. Sunshine, as much as you can get is good...as is a good nights sleep.
Basically I feel that with the right support network, the right physical approach ( a healthy clean lifestyle focused on excercise) and the right meds, there's no reason a person cannot eventually find a way to make their illness MUCH more manageable.
Meds alone aren't enough, and goodness knows that society has little knowledge or patience for us...so focus on you, being as healthy as you can be and you'll know doubt find your path in life and the right person to join you will be waiting along the way.
That's my story thus far and believe me, I've been at the depths where you can't even think straight or move off the couch...it can get better and stay better. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:30:30 AM | I guess I'm not really seeing what the "problem" is. You've stated that you have HAD relationships....so...what happened with those?
Despite the depression I know that I have a lot to offer to the right lady. I'm intelligent, insightful, thoughtful and in general a very nice person to be around. Sadly, the depression casts a pall upon that and most people can't see past it to get to the good parts. That's the main problem I deal with. (That and the anxiety meeting somebody new and worrying about how good an impression I'll make.)
Realistically, being depressed and anxious is NOT a part of what "most" people are, so also realistically....you shouldn't expect to for a relationship with "those" people. The problem, I guess would be, that seeking someone like yourself...who has trouble meeting and getting to know another person is really who you should be looking for, but...ONE of you is going to have to "bite the bullet" long enough to hook up!
I wouldn't think, although...I can't say for sure....but I think it would really be not a lot different from those of us who are really outgoing and very easy to get to know and talk to...and we sometimes "overwhelm" a new person with our boldness. LOL! believe me.....if I can learn to keep my mouth SHUT once in a while....YOU can learn to OPEN yours long enough to make that move in finding a lady with a personality similar to your own. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:36:50 AM |
This shows that you don't understand what I'm going through. But I honestly don't expect anybody to understand. Yeah, yeah... the whole whining of no one knows what you are going through, you're the only one is really NOT self-pity.
Sorry if I'm not jumping on the bandwagon to soothe your tortured ego; I see a man that's blaming his lack of a relationship on something, claiming a relationship would be good for him but is stuck in a vicious cycle of no woman, no cure, no woman, no cure...
You've shot down every reasonable offer of assistance in this thread... that leaves it as one of either attention whoring, or self pity... at least from where I'm sitting. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:15:20 PM | There IS hope for a healthy relationship, and I'm living proof!!!
I received the same diagnosis a number of years ago, and I have to tell you after I accepted that my brain wasn't naturally producing seritonin, and after alot of hit and miss with various combinations of SSRI's, I found a combination that was helping me.
I was still SO tired though, that the advice to get moving more and get exercising made me so anxious that I wanted to puke. This is when I found out that long-term use of SSRI's can cause DIABETES, so I asked my doctor to run a FULL panel of tests, and YUP, Type 2 Diabetes. My body wasn't producing and dealing with insulin the way it should and my blood was high in sugar (thick heavy bloody in the veins) which was exhausting my body's ability to operate properly!
It's been 2 years since I found out about the blood sugar levels, but with knowledge and determination, all efforts to improve blood sugar levels has resorted to reducing some of the side effects of the depression/anxiety as well!
Not a perfect situation, by any stretch, but WOW! the SSRI's have better effect, my energy is better, the weight I gained with the SSRI's has come off, and I have a huge increase in the number of "really good days" to the tougher ones depression/anxiety-wise!
I did meet a very special man eventually, and after dating for a while, I told him very factually about my situation and that there would be times that I just needed to take a time-out to "sort-out". He "gets it", just like I "get it" when he's had a crappy time with something going on in his life. Accept it, communicate, deal with it, move forward.
Two years ago, I would have been hard-convinced that I'd be able to do it, but I am!! | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:25:57 PM | I think there are some people who are just plain jerks.
They may or may not be clinically depressed, but their attitude of self-pity and anger and self-loathing and derisiveness and arrogance and the "I AM DEPRESSED" badge they proudly flaunt is what makes them unpleasant to be around.
I've found there are people who, without their label, have no identity.
Recovering would mean changing and they're too comfortable (and afraid) to really do anything with their lives.
So they hide behind their little badge of depression, deflecting and fighting to hold onto their identity, shouting down anything but what they really want--- the attention they receive from sympathy.
Case in point:
As for a 99.9% effective recovery program, I can tell you right now that it's BS and I don't even know what you're referring to.  | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:57:08 PM | OP,
I am sorry for your medical status. You should try the "act as if" principle. If you act as if you are not depressed in time you will become happier. No I am not a doctor or even play one on TV. Good luck. | |
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