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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does "exclusivity" applies in FWB relationship?      Home login  
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 Packard77
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 201
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?Page 9 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
....exclusivity in FWB makes it a relationship/dating.
So I don't think it applies. Its like having your cake and eating it.
 waidttma
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 202
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 2:08:58 AM
I didn't read all the replies so this may of already been said...I know I'm lazy :)

Some people have a FWB situation where they are just sleep with each other to satisfy that need and have safe regular sex while they are looking for an actual relationship.

When they find said relationships, FWB is over. So in this situation it would have been agreed as exclusive but generally speaking, FWB is usually non exclusive.

It's possible this is what she thought it was for whatever reason.

On a side note, did you really need to tell her the other FWB was someone she knew? I can see how someone might feel weird about that and that could be all her "beef" was.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 203
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 2:41:18 AM
It applies if you agree that it applies...you gotta communicate and agree on terms though....assuming is what gets people hurt...in ANY relationship!
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 204
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Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 4:54:26 AM
You didnt have "two FWBs" at all, you were not only being dishonest with both women but you were also lying to yourself

Firstly niether was a "friend", so how can it be a FRIENDSHIP with benefits?

They were FBs not FWBs

If you HAD been "friends" you would have not only discussed who you were "dating" you'd have also mentioned the other woman to to each too, and the fact you claim you did stop seeing each other for "dating" but hid the existence of the other person makes it pretty obvious you had a good idea of what the reaction was "likely" to be which is why it just kept slipping your mind to mention such a "trivial" detail.

Which is basically cheating on someone youre "claiming" is a friend

As for "rules" thats what a coward and a manipulator hides behind not a self possessed grown up

There arent even "rules" in a proper relationship or marriage OTHER than the ones both people involved agree on between themselves otherwise there would be no couples who swing, no open marriages and no other forms of variation from what the prudish bible bashers think the "rules" ought to be

So why would or should that be any different in a casual relationship, FWB or even an FB?

For practically everyone I know an FWB is to AVOID sleeping with multiple partners or strangers in the first place. But even so as a "grown up" I still wouldnt "assum" exclusivity nor monogamy within that arrangement I would ask outright

But personally I would say that in an FWB exclusivity WOULD be a more reasonable expectation BECAUSE its an FWB (theyre SUPPOSED to be considered a friend) and if you knew them well enough to class them as a friend you would WANT to make sure there was no missunderstandings and nothing going on that would be likely to hurt them in anyway. That a "friendly" way to be

In an FB though, the most common assumption would be no exclusivity, but personally I still have that discussion too

If you think youre "adult" enough to be ****ing other people then you SHOULD also be "adult" enough to have discussions about things like who else youre ****ing. Its common decency as far as I'm concerned

Unlike hiding behind assumptions and imaginary delusional concepts like there being "rules" that are universally known and accepted like a pathetic adolescant might be expected to do
 Highflyingadored
Joined: 3/18/2006
Msg: 205
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Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 8:41:17 AM
lol at 'outing' - sounds like a day trip
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 206
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 8:47:30 AM
There's no exclusive in FWB......that should be made clear from the beginning........
 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 207
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:13:15 AM
I don't think there are specific "rules" for a FWB relationship...or any relationship for that matter. I think it depends on the people involved, and how they feel. If the 2 parties in the FWB decide they are both ok with an exclusive thing, then that is between them. It doesn't necessarily mean they are committed to each other, just could mean it is more comfortable to know that when they are having sex with each other there was nobody else in the bed recently. Even if you play it safe. Communication is key, no matter what kind of relationship you have, and if you don't want exclusive I would just appreciate to know that I am not the only one getting it from you so I can choose whether I want to continue or not.
 Funlovingoptimist
Joined: 11/4/2011
Msg: 208
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:17:48 AM
Duh...love yourself much lol.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 209
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:38:13 AM
I would never be in a position to ask or answer this question. To me it is an oxymoron, but also.. a non issue.
 redsox322
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 210
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Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:39:35 AM
Nope because its just fwb. Just use condoms one will be fine
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 211
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:49:07 AM
Shakti:

"I would never be in a position to ask or answer this question. To me it is an oxymoron, but also.. a non issue."

I've always been curious about a question related to the OP's, raised for me when I see people applauding FWBs/FB and arguing that such "relationships" do not interfere with developing serious romantic relationships.

The question: If you believe that FWB - the whole mindset of the FWB-style relationship - does not interfere with developing serious, committed relationships, would you be willing to stipulate the same "no harm done" claims/arguments if a person were to have multiple FWBs at any given time?

In other words, let's say a man or woman has six ongoing FWB relationships; would you still believe that has no relevance with respect to his or her mindset regarding a serious romantic relationship? If so, where would you draw the "number line"? And why?
 Monica417
Joined: 11/5/2010
Msg: 212
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 11:17:11 AM
I've only been looking at the forums for a short while, maybe 2-3 weeks, but I have to say, I think FWB issues need their own main topic out in the forum list where we choose which forum to go into. It seems there are two types of people, ones who believe that they are fine and those of us who kind of scratch our heads at the whole thing or are morally against them.

I don't get the whole "we have a great time together, laugh, the sexual chemistry is amazing....but it's not a relationship" thing...I am certainly NOT an expert at all of this, but to my mind, that IS a relationship, not just a friendship with benefits.

I hope that the guy/guys I date in the future feel this way, too! Well, I will just make sure those are the ones I choose to date.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 213
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 11:37:16 AM
^^^^ What's so hard for people to understand that two people can see far enough into reality to know that certain differences will prevent the relationship from progressing, so they agree to it's limits and enjoy what they have while sometimes being open to a more compatible (read: not BETTER) mate?

Personally I'd rather be with someone who has good friends and enjoys sex enough to not want to go without for several years. Someone who would rather enjoy some intimacy with a trusted partner than to have a string of NSA sex. The FWB is the middle ground between the two extremes of celibacy and promiscuity!
Of course those against it like to paint anyone for it with the promiscuity brush...it's more of a projection than anything.
I would never be in a relationship with someone who would willingly go many years without...that means that they look at sex is unimportant at best! No long term potential there....at least not a pleasant one for someone enthusiastic about sex.


FWIW FWB don't need their own section...if you don't want to read FWB threads don't...the title gives it away! You don't have to read them...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 214
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 12:19:45 PM

If you believe that FWB - the whole mindset of the FWB-style relationship - does not interfere with developing serious, committed relationships, would you be willing to stipulate the same "no harm done" claims/arguments if a person were to have multiple FWBs at any given time?

I think juggling too many things at once can bring complications, regardless of whether it's down actual Dating Alley, FWB, FB, etc. One could technically have many FWB/FB who are very occasional and don't soak up one's free time.

In the end, it's a case by case basis, technically. If you're spending too much time with a FWB (even if the benefits side is not super-often), you're blurring the lines between an Open Dating Relationship and FWB. If within your group of friends, there's Sally who you will occasionally hook up with when you're both single -- it could get in the way in terms of meeting someone new where the group of friends hangs out, and that depends on how often you're around them. But in the end, if you're really FWB, any jealousy is minimal at best, and nobody should get upset if when out with friends, one of them you occasionally hook up with meets a new guy or girl.

In the end, it's how you handle it. And multiple FWB -- there doesn't need to be a talk, but an occasional reminder that you are active on the dating circuit -- so whether there's someone else who's a FWB or a date set up here or there or phone #s obtained -- it shouldn't matter to the other. There's always potential sexuality had on either end anyway. Juggling too many FWBs at the same time, like anything else can get hectic, and I would believe in most situations, yeah, that would get in the way of running into good (and real) Dating material.
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 215
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 1:02:18 PM
No relationship is exclusive unless the two agree that it is, not even ring on the finger wait until marry- if you assume, you ask for what you don't ask for, not what you expect.

I agree the FWB does interfere, can interfere, with developing a more traditional relationship, just having HAD an fwb can do that if the person you are seeking finds those relationships to be "wrong". The thing is that, when seeking a serious relationship, people need to get a LOT of things out of their way, and they don't, they hang on to crap, like staying in a high conflict battle with the ex, or hating their job, or wearing a bubba toothed smile when they have good dental.

I don't think that most of those who have had true FRIENDSHIP emotion based fwb relationships ever really sought them out, they just happened, they realistically looked at the relationship knowing ti just could not be long term on a traditional level, they cared for each other, they would have been together in a delusional bf/gf way if they could have managed to pretend there was a future, the sex had emotional connection.

In these cases, they tend to be monogamous with intention, and they communicate when it is not monogamous. In these cases, when one falls for someone else, the other is happy for them and moves on, though it isn't surprising that the fwb gets repeatedly resurrected when the new "traditional" an "correct" and "morally right" relationship fails.

Sometimes, the people who manage the fwb have much longer terms with that relationship than any other, granted, it is on again off again and they don't live together and they don't run around as a public couple, but perhaps that is part of the secret for longevity- when the family and friends and public at large isn't part of your relationship, they can't do as much to break it up. In a world where the support of family and friends and work and even culture is essential to a successful marriage, it is also the same world that can tear a marriage apart. If the relationship is not a part of all that, the outside world loses its control.

Having kiniptions about fwb being something that allows sexual freedom is part of trying to exert external control on private relationships, but the fact is, that no relationship is without these freedoms, it is just one of the few that has the freedom HONESTLY, with no deception... if there is deception, then the friendship is also just pretense, therefore, it is not a friend with benefits relationship.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 216
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Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 1:12:48 PM

I don't get the whole "we have a great time together, laugh, the sexual chemistry is amazing....but it's not a relationship" thing...I am certainly NOT an expert at all of this, but to my mind, that IS a relationship, not just a friendship with benefits


Yes it is "a" relationship, same as your friendship with your best girlfriend is also "a" relationship

Any and every interaction between two people is "a" relationship

Thats why theres so many different names to distinguish the differences and boundaries between them like a "friendship" is different to a "friendship with benefits" which is different to a **** buddy, which is different to dating all of which are also different to actual relationships in the dating sense, engagements and a marriage too

Hence the different names

As for FWB interferring with finding an "actual" partner, I'm not sure they really do

Most people I know tend to have an FWB type arrangement for when theyre NOT looking for a serious relationship, So theres nothing FOR it to interfere with in the first place

Other than that hanging out with an FWB is no different to hanging out with any other friends except for the fact you have sex with them

So unless all the people who dont do the FWB thing spend all their time when looking for a partner NOT seeing any of their friends that a rather idiotic claim

And at the end of the day what if it DID get in the way? Obviously the person wouldnt be spending time with their FWB unless they enjoyed it.

Whereas dating new people as we see so often on here can be FAR from enjoyable a lot of the time. So what exactly is "wrong" with doing something you KNOW you will enjoy rather than something you might not enjoy in the slightest?

I think if anything an FWB tends to make people far less likely to date the WRONG person due to feeling lonely or even horny. It also stops them having gaps in dating for so long that they start to lose the ability to function properly IN a relationship too as seen with many people who have been single for a LONG time, as they often become incapable of treating a partner in "coupley" fashion as they have become so entrenched in living as a single person they have almost forgotten how to be half of a couple

As for monogamy, as I said earlier there is no "rule" for ANY type of relationship, only the rules the people having them decide on

So somebody claiming there IS a rule of them either being monogamous or not should really lay off the home grown mushrooms in the hopes they will start to spew less vebal diorhhea

That kind of crap is far more usually from someone who was misleading someone that they WERE being monogamous when they werent, And applies to dating as much as it does to FWBs
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 217
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 1:33:01 PM
OP Personally I think a FWB relationship should be exclusive. If people are going around screwing more than one person, please at least let the other person know so that they can get out of that situation. And on top of the I hope BOTH partners are using protection. Gross
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 218
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 2:18:10 PM
Hi, Fyr.

I enjoyed your very reflective post. Almost struck me a Wiki article or a FWB FAQ. Impressively impartial, too, except, perhaps, for the (seeming) scare-quotes around traditional, correct, and morally right.


" I agree the FWB does interfere, can interfere, with developing a more traditional relationship, just having HAD an fwb can do that if the person you are seeking finds those relationships to be "wrong". The thing is that, when seeking a serious relationship, people need to get a LOT of things out of their way, and they don't, they hang on to crap, like staying in a high conflict battle with the ex, or hating their job, or wearing a bubba toothed smile when they have good dental."

Well, it seems to me an fwb could be a way of avoiding doing the hard work that is necessary to succeed in a serious relationship; in fact, that's my impression from hearing FWBers here and elsewhere. Commitment takes a fair amount of mutual effort, even apart from the emotional investment, and FWBers seem by and large to want to avoid those things. For those who don't resolve issues involve work, exes, their own fears, and so on, one could argue that they're not being serious, either. Perhaps they can be more self-deluded than an enlightened FWBer.

I see one's own mindset being the main thing interfering with a relationship, and having a mindset that prefers a less intimate, non-serious sexual relationship is likely at odds with long-term romantic commitment.

And yes, simply being in an FWB relationships would probably disqualify you as serious relationship material for many guys - myself included. Not because I view these relationships as wrong in some ethical or religious sense, but because I want to be with someone who believes in and practices serious relationships. I see it as a Like attracts Like kind of deal.

" In these cases, they tend to be monogamous with intention, and they communicate when it is not monogamous. In these cases, when one falls for someone else, the other is happy for them and moves on, though it isn't surprising that the fwb gets repeatedly resurrected when the new "traditional" an "correct" and "morally right" relationship fails. "

I would say it isn't surprising that FBWer attempts at serious relationships will tend to fail repeatedly, and thus they will experience repeated resurrections of FWB relationships. I don't state this as a scientific fact - I doubt any study has been done of this, though I could be wrong - but it follows logically from the more casual mindset, I think. There is absolutely nothing casual about a full-blown romantic relationship, any more than running a marathon or being a triathlete is casual. Something I'm sure most of the people here over thirty know only too well.
 Packard77
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 219
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 4:23:48 PM
Exclusivity in FWB is only possible if neither party is actively looking for a "proper relationship" at that time. Why? Cos the "seeking a real partner" process involves sex. and it usually takes more than one try to make up one's mind if they are taking it real serious.

Asking for exclusivity from your FWB to me sounds like this" Buddy, I like you for the sex, so don't give it to anybody else. In the meantime, I am going to look for somebody to give my heart/love to, as you are not good for that".

So if my FWB starts talking about "exclusivity" it sounds like "commitment" in disguise!
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 220
Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 7:01:05 PM

I would say it isn't surprising that FBWer attempts at serious relationships will tend to fail repeatedly, and thus they will experience repeated resurrections of FWB relationships. I don't state this as a scientific fact - I doubt any study has been done of this, though I could be wrong - but it follows logically from the more casual mindset, I think. There is absolutely nothing casual about a full-blown romantic relationship, any more than running a marathon or being a triathlete is casual. Something I'm sure most of the people here over thirty know only too well.


While I don't believe there have been studies on fwb relationships to any significance, I do know that there are studies on relationships in general. From any marriage/family sociologist you will learn that the vast majority of attempted serious relationships fail. Vast as in incredibly vast, as in, if you knew how vast you might never try. Succeeding, as in making it from early to old age traditional style, actually does have the odds of winning the lottery.

While I can categorize a person as having had an FWB (or being open to one, or accepting one), as being different in mindset from a person who wouldnotwillnotcouldnothasnot, I can't call a person an "FWBer" and label them that way, as going through this has more to do with a stage in a person's life than a it does a lifetime mindset.

And I don't say that their "many attempts at serious relationships fail". You are "not surprised that they do", because you already perceive that their many attempts fail. My experience is to the contrary. People who are open to FWB move on to have serious relationships at two different stages: When they fall in love, and when they examine their lives and they know that they have gotten all (or enough) of their extraneous garbage out of the way.

Which of their "serious" relationships end quickly/repeatedly? I say, it is the falling in love ones-before getting the extra stuff out of the way. Love does not conquer all. The practical "FWBer" will see trouble ahead, will talk about it, and if the one who they fell in love with won't communicate, everything falls apart. In my experience, people I know who are open to an FWB are those who choose to talk through things and work through things.

There are casual screw buddy relationships, there are BS fwb relationship where one is communicating and the other is saying "yeah yeah sure honey, whatever you say" while using whatever line works on other people as well. But a stable no drama fwb relationship actually takes a LOT of communication and concern for the other partner. work IS involved. I live in a sno bird community, you'd be SHOCKED to learn how many people in their old age have had freind with benefits relationships that have lasted for DECADES. they couldn't live together, sometimes they fell in love and were apart, but, on the whole, it was their best friend they sought solace, comfort, affection, from. It may be religion, family, culture, behavior, independence, or any reason why the two could not live under the same roof. In some cases, they did marry in their old age, when life permitted.

Are two people who manage to live under the same roof working harder, or are they just more compatible to begin with?

Is traditional more serious and more intimate? Also, in my experience, and those I know who have had both, the answer is an emphatic NO. Marriage jokes about cheating, sex coming to a halt, barely knowing each other after awhile, are jokes that have been the staple on the topic of marriage since before I was born, since before my great-great grandparents were born. Stereotypes are not born in absence of the reality and don't carry such longevity without some validity. The audience laughs because it hits home. Show me the jokes about fwb who stop having sex, stop being intimate, stop being serious? crickets.

So take two people who care for each other, they are incompatible as partners, yet have a long time love affair. No one ever hears them fighting, When they have drama, they deal with it between the two of them. Gossip is thin. The children aren't walking around with scars. The courts never know the relationship exists. They may even work alongside each other and their co-workers never know. It's funny how many people think that takes no work at all.

When it comes to seeking one out, I feel a bit unsettled. I don't really want that, but I can't offer more, so I just really don't look at all. I can choose from several, but I choose not, because, as you say, it interferes with a "serious" search- I do believe that one should have some kind of breathing space between a FWB relationship and a search for the more "traditional" relationship. IF I believed that FWB was not serious, had no commitment to it, had no intimacy, took no effort, then I would also believe that there would be no reason for a breather, that I could just drop it like a hot potato and move on to fairy tale princess land with my white knight when he rode in.

But what is in the way, is the history of a lover, the intimacy, the rememberance of skin touching skin, the scent on the pillow, the midnight laughter, the chores done for or by the other, the gifts, the family of the other, the routines of hanging out, the way of the loving, the familiar voice, the response to the text messages, the silliness of sending them out. In friendships that are that close, there is love. It just, unfortunately, isn't compatible. Two incompatible people who come together with passion and choose to part without drama, without hurting each other BECAUSE they care about each other too much.... in what way, is this less serious, less intimate, less anything than a traditional relationship?

One fits in a standard box with standard labelling. The rest don't. I can't do all the rest. I can't even do SOME of the rest. But I won't call anyone wrong or incorrect or morally reprehensible or less loving or less anything because they can't make their lives and their loves and their passions and their emotions fit into what nuclear mod age society once determined as the only acceptable way.

It just isn't so, anymore.

and for the record, no animosity intended, I used the quote around those words because they were labels applied by other people in other posts, not as scare quotes.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 221
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Does exclusivity applies in FWB relationship?
Posted: 11/19/2011 10:37:04 PM
I think if you focus on the fact that its FWB, the operative word in there being "friends" (as opposed to FB, which is basically an "on-call" ONS), then one would think it can be either exclusive or not, depending on what the "friends" have discussed about it.

FWB is often two people who really aren't interested in "a relationship" and all that it entails, but enjoy each others company (and sex, obviously). If either party wants to be free to date (and have sex) with others, then one could assume it has been discussed (or, well, in this day and age of 'forever' STDs they wouldn't be much of a 'friend' doing it without your knowledge, would they?).

Just like has been said here numerous times about any relationship - don't "assume" you are exclusive unless its been discussed. And, well, if you can't have that discussion, openly and honestly, I might question if you are "friends" in the first place.
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