| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:21:21 PM | I don't see anything wrong with talking to more than one person. maybe at the same time is pushing it. Heh! I know in the past most guys I talked to straight up asked me if I was talking with or seeing anyone else, and I answered truthfully "Yes, a few. Nothing serious... but I'm not looking for serious." I don't see the harm in asking, just in less than honest answers. I suppose his "no chemistry" comment could be the equivalent of my "nothing serious." But my nothing-seriouses and I were not exchanging calls/texts every day and sending flowers either.
I see no harm in girls getting together and chatting, and if the subject comes up... Normally I might not have gone into detail about conversations. But the way it sounds like the woman was gushing (which the latter "I just presumed" confirms) I think I would have been inclined to tell her. And the poster didn't embellish but provided her with the actual text. The other lady chose her own assumption (which she appears to be good at) and reaction. The poster really isn't responsible for that. She only insured the lady had all the facts. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:29:36 PM | It's a smallllllllllll world! What are the chances of two women meeting for the first time, and dating/talking to the same "fishie"?!!.........
Howeverrrrrrrrrr, he was exchanging emails with you and the other woman obviously just started "dating" him. Do you really think most are exclusive to 1 after a couple of dates/emails? I highly doubt it........... | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:31:07 PM | Thank you for your responses.
One poster understood :
"I think the key thing here is that he said to the OP that he had met some women, but there was no chemistry involved which to us gals means that they were all dead ends... not that he's continuing to pursue to see if chemistry develops. "
He and the gal had been chatting/dating for over 2 weeks quite a few dates, during that time, granted not a long time, but it was the things he was saying to her about how he was feeling towards her ie Chemistry. They had started becoming intimate.
As i said, she was not that upset about it, I guess she is more accustomed to how things work.
I have no problem chatting/emailing more than one person on either side of the scale. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:30:23 PM |
One poster understood:
"I think the key thing here is that he said to the OP that he had met some women, but there was no chemistry involved which to us gals means that they were all dead ends... not that he's continuing to pursue to see if chemistry develops. "
While I think most of us will agree with the quote you've shown there, OP, that poster also followed up by saying, she didn't think it was an appropriate question to have even asked the man at this stage of the game, and that you were basically setting him up for failure because there really IS no good/nice way to answer that, if one IS currently speaking with more than one potential partner/date. Just clarifying since you didn't really understand her complete post, it seems.
The man COULD have simply stated "yes, I've been talking with a few, on dates with a few, and one in particular I'm quite liking" but possibly he WAS being honest, that he still wasn't feeling "it" with the woman in question, or was still trying to determine if he saw any future potential there. Until you've met and been on several dates yourself, and at the point of either discussing exclusivity or close to intimacy, it's really not a question that needs to be asked. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:57:50 PM | He and the gal had been chatting/dating for over 2 weeks quite a few dates, during that time, granted not a long time, but it was the things he was saying to her about how he was feeling towards her ie Chemistry. They had started becoming intimate.
Just because he said THEN to HER that he MAY have felt chemistry, that doesn't mean that TODAY they have chemistry, nor does it mean that they actually had chemistry THEN. Still I get your point about wanting to compare notes with your friend about this dude. You sorta wanna do that out of curiosity.
I don't really don't see any issue here. Sounds like a mountain made out of a molehill. The dude said he had been on a few dates with none of them really panning out for him. Some folks don't view "intimacy" in the same way. You might have issues with how he regards physical intimacy. Still, most of us have had relationships where we might have moved too fast too soon in a physical way. OP if that doesn't describe you, you are in the minority. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:05:12 PM |
that poster also followed up by saying, she didn't think it was an appropriate question to have even asked the man at this stage of the game, and that you were basically setting him up for failure because there really IS no good/nice way to answer that, if one IS currently speaking with more than one potential partner/date.
I disagree and I already provided the appropriate response (IF it is the truth):
most guys I talked to straight up asked me if I was talking with or seeing anyone else, and I answered truthfully "Yes, a few. Nothing serious... but I'm not looking for serious."
Leave off the last part if one IS looking for something serious and it's still fine. As I also indicated above, the guys I met don't seem to think the question is inapprpriate cuz they sure ask it often enuf. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:32:07 PM | I don't think you did anything wrong in mentioning it.
I just think that both you and your friend are wrong in jumping to conclusions about him. You're almost guaranteed to be doing the double-standard thing, if I were to guess, and are probably judging him for behavior that you'd find acceptable for yourselves, with logical, rational explanations to back it.
This is a guess on my part, of course.
So, what did he do wrong? Not volunteer that he was seeing/trying-to-date someone that he hadn't felt chemistry with yet?
Does EVERYONE always make the "chemistry" determination on the first date? Nobody ever feels unsure after that and maybe tries to pursue it further?
He's been "seeing" your friend for only two weeks... how many dates could they have possibly gone on in that time? I assume both have full time jobs.
When they have the "exclusive" conversation, then it's a different story. Otherwise people are just imposing rules arbitrarily and determining that the other person MUST know them via some sort of ESP. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 7:25:48 PM | Hello everyone. I am the "other woman"!!!
I read the forums but never post, but since this one actually is partially about me I felt I should add...I ran it by Cowboy first as I was not sure if it was acceptable/appropriate for me to do so he said to go for it!
I met the man in question on this site (surprise!!). We had been on 4 – 5 dates – he called almost everyday, texted very nice things every day. He did give me the impression that he was really really into me and I was with him. We did not talk about being exclusive but It sure looked that it was going that way. Wow…what a find!!! .. So we were together Friday night watching a movie and he did give me a nice bouquet of flowers saying he even went into a “mall” to get them. I was extremely pleased and flattered etc, enjoyed the movie, his company, cuddling, talking etc.….Spoke with him Sat and as well he texted me (and this is funny now!) that he was thinking about me! Lol….during the time he was emailing the OP. At cards that night, I was telling my very good long time friends about him and as one poster said “gushing” and I was! Lol….The OP was new…filling in for someone else, not a regular player (cards!) and we did talk about the site and she did ask me who he was and she did tell me about their emails and she did show me. Now, I’m glad she did. I am not angry, mad, upset, pissed at this man at all. He can do what he wants. I am however, annoyed about our communications (he and mine) and how he did send me clear signals that it was going well between us. I am not a newbie or an idiot to this site nor a silly high school girl! (I have been on and off this site for the last 3 ½ years.) She was not happy about it. She told us some of her experiences with some men and I don’t blame her for being upset about it, she just did not want to go down the same road again. Me…I was extremely disappointed, felt like an idiot, but… buyer beware! Lol
That is it from my side. Is he a “player” maybe, maybe not…was he misleading? yes.. i feel he was to me. (and yes, im sure women do the same thing to men)
It would be great that this post ended - it is done now! lol Happy dating!!!
Eyes wide open everyone!  | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:22:17 PM | ok, so maybe it was a funky question to be asking a guy you met on a dating site (of all places) about whether or not he was dating anyone else, especially having not known him for long.Maybe next time you won't go ther w/ that question so quickly BUT,(here is the clincher) if that question had felt too personal to him, he could have declined it cavalierly with a wink. Did he tho? Nope-he outright lied to you!-I can see why, having been decieved by him you wanted to protect the other gal from feeling equally hurt. My vote-ya did the right thing under the circumstances by telling, sister! | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:31:25 AM | Some people are saying that the OP asked the question too soon. I disagree. There are some people that are the kind that are most comfortable dating one person at a time and prefer that the person they might start seeing is on the same page. For them the question is best asked in the very early stages.
And as Wiyan pointed out, "if that question had felt too personal to him, he could have declined it cavalierly with a wink. Did he tho? Nope-he outright lied to you!"
So my vote is cast on the side of yes, you did the right thing. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:55:52 AM |
They had started becoming intimate
Well that adds a bit to the story!
This is the kind of thing that happens when you become intimate before you know someone well. She had expectations of exclusivity without having discussed it with him. Perhaps he had fooled around a few times and gone on a few dates but had no real intentions of continuing beyond that with her. Thus the statement 'no chemistry'.
You have no idea whether the man was a 'player' or if he was just moving on to a better fit, like you. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:39:59 AM | I don't think it has much to do with whether or not you are exclusive.
This IS a dating site...and of course people are going to date.
But when one is starting to feel close to the other and is receiving no
vibes at all that the feelings aren't mutual (even if it's not expressed)
why wouldn't they be disappointed to find out that the
person they were into was looking
into the possibility of meeting someone else?
I don't have a problem with asking someone if they are dating someone
else....I don't even have a problem KNOWING they are dating someone
else.
I do have a problem when they say no and give me the impression that
they're dating me to see where things go.
At least be upfront with what you're doing.
If you have nothing to hide...there's no reason you can't say...yeah I'm
dating several woman right now...but nothing serious.
I thought most of us were against lying? or is it only in certain circumstances? | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 9:56:44 AM | Nothing particularly against lying - of course, we only were given partial information before poppyfunn posted to this thread, and had to conclude accordingly.
But, 4 or 5 dates in 2 weeks? Damn! | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:54:03 AM | If you don't have an exclusivity discussion but still decide to "become intimate" (whatever that means, use your imagination), you've got nobody to blame and be upset with except yourself if the relationship turns south and/or is not to your liking.
Still don't see how this guy is a "player". If you think a player is someone who keeps his/her options open if they have not formed an exclusivity agreement with any one of the individuals he/she is dating--well you think he's a "player".
Getting back to question posed in Msg1, I see no reason why if you meet what essentially is a total stranger at a card game, why you can't have a casual discussion with them about who you are currently dating.
By the way, where is this card game with all these hot women? I wanna play.  | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 11:39:59 AM | | If I had been in the situation poppy was, I would re-evaluate my relationship with that man. I would not take him seriously from that point on. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:14:11 PM |
If I had been in the situation poppy was, I would re-evaluate my relationship with that man. I would not take him seriously from that point on. What's there not to take serious from his behavior? She initiated no exclusivity discussion with this guy; he didn't act exclusive; if there is something for someone to re-evaluate here, it might be assessing her ability to effectively communicate her relationship expectations with her partner. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:34:35 PM |
Still don't see how this guy is a "player". If you think a player is someone who keeps his/her options open if they have not formed an exclusivity agreement with any one of the individuals he/she is dating--well you think he's a "player".
I'm not so sure that I would use the term player. Just something less than glowing and positive like... uhm... not entirely on-the-level and honest. It appears that the man involved was sending signals of more interest to the first woman than he was owning up to with the second woman. I mean... I could be mistaken... but one typically doesn't have 4 or 5 dates in 2 weeks, call or text every day, and cuddle with a person with whom one feels no chemistry. I can see hanging out as friends but I don't have any friends I talk with every day and I d*** sure don't get physical with them.
Come on! Let's face it! It smells fishy. And there's only two things in this world that smell like fish... and one of em is fish. So, if he smells fishy, he probably has been with another woman or another fish. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 1:03:03 PM | I am one who thinks that dating someone who is 20 young is not cool . This woman told me about her date . a date calles " date from hell " they talked on the phone . they agreed to meet at 7pm on a saterday . so far so good . well , he showed at 7:30 . Drunk . she is not a 10 but , looks good . onward . he stops at a bar for 3 beers . she says " we thirsty " . he is so drunk that SHE has to end up doing the driving . they get to the resterant . she orders he orders coffee with his meal . the check comes and he pays . the guy calls and says " I sorry for not showing up last night " .
that was a date from hell alright . IF , she was in her 40's I would offer her to go on a date with me . I WOULD show up at 6:50 . I would not be drunk . I WOULD make her look better then me . a woman wants to look bett then the man ALWAYS . I still can't get past the fact she is 25 and me 43 . I would think I am dating my dauhgter . | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 1:16:52 PM | Ya know.. as a man, I dont think you did anything wrong. At least as I read your initial post. It was casual talk at a card game. I did scroll through the posts and saw the 2 cents from the other woman. Her reaction seemed to be pretty casual about the whole thing too.
MY question would be.. Why did YOU initially feel that you did something WRONG and then feel you needed a consensus to verify your own feelings?
I mean.. what was the option? It isnt like you hacked his computer from afar, and tracked down the other women he was dating. THAT would be wrong
You didnt go do an Underwood on his car
AND the biggest kicker is that you just faded away and DIDNT respond to his latest email. A perfect response if you ask me
Now.. are you THINKING of responding and "going off" on him? THAT might feel good in the moment.. but frankly a waste of time and energy. It isnt WHAT happened, it's what you are going to DO with it afterwards. Seems you are going to be a little bit more educated and aware of how online dating works.. and take those lessons forward as you eventually meet someone you HOPE will be special.
Just dont paint ALL men online with the broad stinky brush of this guy. THAT would be wrong too. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 1:52:24 PM |
They had started becoming intimate.
What does that mean? They exchanged private information about themselves or they almost had sex but stopped? | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:02:25 PM | Funny! How is he considered a player by answering your questions? I suppose if you did the same it wouldn`t be percieved as being a player as you`ve mentioned.
I`m sure your friend is still dating this man, and was more upset that you`re moving in on him... I don`t see why you had to show any emails to her unless you were truly interested.
You should mind yourown business.Sorry... | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:50:43 PM | ^^^ I think it's cuz he didn't answer the question truthfully. If he had just said "Well, there's this one other fishy I call/text every day, date several times a week, and cuddle on the couch with, but there's no chemisty and I'm just trying to get in her pants," THEN I would agree with you.
The woman is not her friend but a friend of mutual friends. She did not know of the woman's existence; therefore, the OP could not possibly "move in on" the woman's territory. And, BTW, how can one woman move in on another woman's man unless the man IS in fact her man. You might wanna examine that hole cuz your theory seems to have sprung a leak.
She showed the woman the emails cuz when it was realized they were talking to and about the same man the woman ASKED to see the emails instead of listening to second hand claims of what the man has supposedly said and how he has represented (or MISrepresented) himself.
Moral of the story? Women talk. Since talking IS our business, some men probably need to be less busy or more honest. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:00:39 PM |
but one typically doesn't have 4 or 5 dates in 2 weeks, call or text every day, and cuddle with a person with whom one feels no chemistry. The chemistry was there . . . and went away. This has happened with everyone, I think, one time or more in your life; what's so unbelieveable about this? | |
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