| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:44:10 AM | I was curious, so I checked your profile, and Port Moody BC is not a huge metropolis, although it is part of the greater Vancouver area, the man was a bit of an idiot if he thought he could hold one in reserve while he shopped for a better item. Odds on in an area that size, if you have similar interests, you would frequent the same venues. It was just happenstance that, instead of seeing him out and about with her, you met her at a girls night out.
I agree that you did nothing wrong, I have other friends who are on the site and we often discuss the hits and misses we have encountered. I have had some experiences that can only come from a very badly written novel.
We aren’t going to change human nature; we just need to recognize the fact that we do not all see a specific situation in the same way.
I would suggest that you should tell him exactly why you are cutting off communication. Do not assume someone else has done that for you. We women complain when men don’t respond, so we should not use the same tactic. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:00:53 AM | I would have to give it up to Landra2. She got it dead on. It is does piss a person off somewhat but you would have to be honest with yourself on the whole thing: you both were talking via pof and had not even seen each other's faces in person.
The other girl cannot say much about the situation as she is not in an exclusive relationship. Could see if it was but it isn't. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:06:48 AM |
“... asked if he was currently dating anyone, he replied that he was not “ Ya, if he hadn't yet broken up with the other woman, this is technically true. I stand corrected.
It's interesting in the dating sense how both men and women attempt to spare someone of "hurting their feelings" by being deceptive instead of being straightforward and honest. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:17:08 AM |
thebugisback - What do you mean by the man tried to cheat the woman of her right to exercise her preference? Didn't she excercise her preference by continuing to maintain contact with him? That made no sense...What right do you mean? The one to lead him on, maybe?”
Sorry this is so hard for you to understand. Woman #1 asked the man if he were dating anyone. He said no. After she found out he lied, she has not continued contact with him – there was no leading him on. As for exercising her preference that would be whether or not she wanted to be dating someone that dates more than one at a time. Some people (men as well as women) are more comfortable seeing only one person at a time.
Misrepresenting yourself really has a lot of consequences... seems to me, not only is it inherently wrong, but it's also just easier to tell the truth.
That was so good it bore repeating.
bikeman, it's easy to miss things. I've done it. Everyone has. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:24:26 PM | wow ! i think u didi the right thing hon1 they should change this site to plenty of idiots!
 ...all kidding aside...OP you did the right thing...if I was the other person I'd want to know...and nothing wrong with asking a person if they're "dating" other people...I usually ask at the beginning and until the exclusivity conversation has been made or it can be implied ie. he's pretty much set a place for you in his place, it shouldn't be a surprise if he is. We like to know early on so there are no surprises down the road. A guy who isn't a coward would be upfront and honest about his current situation. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:28:30 PM | | If a man is so casual about having sex with a woman and trying to hit on another at the same time, I would say ewww... no thanks. I hope his next girlie friend is a hankie. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:43:14 AM | I guess part of it comes down to a difference in individual dating style. Some people won't even go on a meet unless they've been assured they're the one and only so far. I always just assumed that until there was an "exclusive" conversation, the guy could message and date as many other women as he had time and energy for. Let him see what's out there and decide that I'm still the best one for him. But that's just me, and I realize others are not comfortable with that.
So, while I think the OP was putting the cart before the horse in asking about his dating activities, he should have been honest with her.
Also, am I the only one who wants to get a look at the profile of the guy who managed to charm not one, but two fabulous-looking women at the same time? He's got it goin' on! | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:08:25 AM | Some of the responses to this thread just astonish me. As if there aren't enough stupid rules about dating there are now people who think there should be rules about what you can ask someone you are chatting with.
asked if he was currently dating anyone, he replied that he was not
Why on earth shouldn't the op ask this if she wants to know? If the man feels it is none of her business he can say so or refuse to answer and she can draw her own conclusions. What is wrong is that he out and out lied. Oddly enough in other threads posters have been very keen to condemn lying. But there they seem to think because he was put on the spot it was OK to lie.
She backed him into a corner and what was he suppose to say... Well he could have tried telling the truth ie that he was dating someone but they weren't exclusive. So if he'd been married and she'd asked about that would it have been OK for him to lie just because he had been backed into a corner and answering honestly wouldn't have the desired result. The issue is the lie not the fact that he was seeking to date two women at the same time.
Ya, if he hadn't yet broken up with the other woman, this is technically true.
Just technically true? Not merely had he not broken up with the other woman but he was chatting to her by text at the same time as he was e-mailing the op so there is nothing to suggest that he had any intention of breaking up with her. He was happily dating one woman and looking to date another which is fine if he is honest about it. But to be actively dating one woman, and giving her the impression he liked her, while telling another woman he isn't dating anyone and had no chemistry with any of the women he'd dated is just plain dishonest. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:15:13 PM | | Good job! Both of you women deserve better. That does suck when a guy leads you on like you are connecting and you find out he is a player. What happened to monogomy? Do men feel they have to have multiple women going at one time? GEEZ!! | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:26:57 PM | | I didn't read the OP or the rest of the thread, but I figure I have at least a 50/50 chance - and the answer to this question on POF is more often than not: NO! | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:47:06 PM | | I think that is so 8th grade of both of you guys..If he isnt YOUR boyfriend or HER boyfriend then I don't see how he is a "player". I see now why guys say "no drama" on their profiles. Reasons like this. If emails on a free dating site means your locked down to a person,please show me the exit. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:52:18 PM | depending on where she is (as the case is for me locally)
If I say I am talking to someone on POF, and she has a friend that is also is on POF, chances are I have chatted to both of them. Its not so much a player, as the local fishing hole is really small. Throw the search net out there in 15 miles to 50 miles and it will be the same dozen cast of characters.
Its enough to make you quit fishing locally. which I did.
just here for the forums ;) 
Now OP, friends before Joe's ;) The female version of bros before hos | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:12:03 PM | | Well, I think he would have been better off being straight up about what he was up to, but I don't think he did anything really wrong. It's a dating site. You talk to people. That's what your supposed to do. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:12:36 PM |
I felt horrible and was also extremely unhappy that this man WAS a player.
Poor little princess that expect men in the talk stage to only email them and them alone, while they in the other hand are being hit by other men, but since they did not initiated it is okay for them to reply. Now, your guy is not a player, not from what you describe. He is doing what everyone does in internet dating, that is E-MAIL and number of women, until one or even two or even three set dates. Even after those elusive first dates, they are not committed to little princess. But it's okay for princess to play elusive, not so interested, but for then to be little doormats and wait for little princess to change her mind.
I think not. Kudos to the guy. And for the Princess, keep fishing for your prince, you will find plenty of Nice guys to be bored with. But they will leak the your shoes, so be happy with that. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:40:59 PM | there's a lot of people being to hard on this chick . this is not fair. but, i like the OP who used the word " multi-tasking" for the guy instead of calling him a playa. this is why i am very apprehensive about online dating. as soon as the dude emails you he has already emailed another 20 and phone/talked to another 20. so imagine once you are a couple and poor thing gets upset with something you said or did. which he thinks gives him the chance/right/lee-way to get back on the computer to hook up with another 20 or so girls and sleep with them.
how many of these dudes are emailing women on this site , then go to another site to play or disguise themselves to pick up little girls/teens on another site? | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:01:20 PM | abby156 wrote:
If a man is so casual about having sex with a woman and trying to hit on another at the same time
What? Who said anything about having sex with her? That wasn't happening, unless I missed something.
Noleslady wrote:
Good job! Both of you women deserve better. That does suck when a guy leads you on like you are connecting and you find out he is a player. What happened to monogomy? Do men feel they have to have multiple women going at one time? GEEZ!!
Probably the same percentage of men feel this as the percentage of women. Female friends have suggested to me that MORE women do this than me. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:51:37 AM | | E-mailing back and forth, and talking to a number of strangers at the same time is what this dating online is about. You asked him if he was dating, he said 'NO', maybe in his mind he was not dating, meeting someone over a cup of coffee to get to know them, I don't consider dating. However, it is a sensitive subject, and given your circumstances with your friend finding out both were chatting to him at the same time, can be awkward, nevertheless. I would not be too quick to label him with 'players' but dating is a tough game. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:29:59 AM |
What? Who said anything about having sex with her? That wasn't happening, unless I missed something.
The OP did, in post #28. You're not alone. I'm a bit surprised at how many have missed it.
But in any case, right from the first post, we see that the man was seeing someone - and he said he wasn't. He's a liar and that should not be rewarded or enabled. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:41:37 AM | she had recently started dating
they had not had the “exclusive” talk
chatting/dating for over 2 weeks
They had started becoming intimate. So she's dating a guy for 2 whole weeks and already getting intimate, without talking about exclusivity.... and somehow the man is the "player"? LOL She was willing to get intimate with a man she'd been seeing a little more than 14 DAYS! If he's a player, what is she? | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:49:10 AM | A suggestion:
You two girls do the following.: Each of you play the role on your own, independently and separately, leading him onto a RL meeting. When either of you makes an appointment with him ( date, place hour), you go there and you both show up... then laugh hard in his face and think up something to tell him to make him feel like crap  | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:52:12 PM | Helen0426 wrote:
The OP did, in post #28. You're not alone. I'm a bit surprised at how many have missed it.
Ah, ok, missed that... though even reading it again, I missed it. I guess I don't like the phrase "started becoming intimate" because it's a vague euphemism - I wouldn't automatically interpret that as "they had sex""
Or maybe it's because of "started becoming" being there... I dunno. It kind of now strikes me as "I want to imply it but not say it"
Eh, I'm weird about language like that - permanent damage from my days as an English major.
BUT, who says that "becoming intimate" (ie: having sex) means that there's chemistry? C'mon, I've seen people go through the motions and not actually be serious, just looking for a physical release from each other.
Now, could it be that the guy was using poppyfun? Sure! But could he have also been telling the truth to OP? Yes.
Yeah, it's playing with language - but I'm on a roll with the language thing right now, so work with me here.... or maybe it's just my own dislike of the euphemism used to imply that they were having sex. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:58:49 PM |
But could he have also been telling the truth to OP? Yes.
No, he couldn't have. He told her he wasn't dating anyone, when he was dating someone.
That is a lie. There's nothing complicated about it. | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:28:33 PM | You two girls do the following.: Each of you play the role on your own, independently and separately, leading him onto a RL meeting. When either of you makes an appointment with him ( date, place hour), you go there and you both show up... then laugh hard in his face and think up something to tell him to make him feel like crap .
Two wrongs don't make a right. Any other brilliant suggestions? | |
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| Did I do the right thing in telling...
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:28:25 PM | This is absolutely hilarious to me. Um, dating......that means possibly seeing more than one person at the same time. I could have a date Monday AND Wednesday with two DIFFERENT guys while chatting with a few others I haven't met yet. This is wrong somehow? Did I missing the real reason we are on a dating site?
For god's sake, why would you ask someone you are just emailing whether they are dating anyone? So what? Are you only *dating* one person at a time while looking for that one who really flips your switch? I sure hope not.
Who gets all ga-ga over someone right away? Gushing? 4 or 5 dates does not a relationship make.....
A couple weeks and intimate already? Pluh-ease. Who even has the right to be irritated here? Nobody. Everyone acted immature, and in more ways than one. | |
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