| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:55:14 PM | Ah, but see, what I'm trying to point out is that waiting for a divorce decree does NOT in fact cut down on the risks - it only presents the *illusion* of lesser risk.
But it does ... and I'll explain. (By the way, you never said who you would buy the car from ...)
What if he didn't want the divorce but has it? Isn't that a greater potential problem than someone who is separated, but whose ex and he BOTH want the divorce?
Nope. You see, if the divorce goes through, although he didn't want the divorce, SHE DID! Enough to where the marriage is over legally - thus the relationship is over. I can go on-line or to a courthouse and look it up to guarantee that it happened. That is one heck of a big step. And the thing about the separated scenario is that you are just going by rumor ... you don't *really* know if he wants or she wants it - maybe they both don't want it *really* although they tell you at the top of their lungs that they do. They're still married and they (or at least one party) haven't followed through - they haven't made the commitment to sever the relationship. It is like Wimpy saying, "I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today ..."
What if a guy is just outright lying about his status?
As I described before, I agree with you. Guys (and gals) do lie about their status. However, they lie about being married or separated. They don't lie about being divorced or single - at least to attract a man or woman. When they are lying about being married or separated , they are saying that they are single or divorced. I don't know too many guys going to bars that are single or separated trying to convince women that they are married or separated ... unless they're trying to turn them off ...
In that case, having them admit to being separated is almost a guarantee of honesty (I can't imagine a single or divorced guy lying to a potential woman he wants to date and saying he's separated, after all)
No one is saying that they are being dishonest about their status. (Although I could see that a married guy might try to pass as such ...) However, the thing is that they are being honest about their status doesn't mean about everything else in their life. Does that mean that when I go on a date, when I say that I am divorced and not single, a woman is virtually guaranteed that everything else that comes out of my mouth is true?
I could probably come up with at least as many scenarios for supposedly single people as for separated, but I don't think I can top the "she said she was a widow but was living with her most-definitely-not-deceased husband" posted above....
Yep, people lie. Liars come in all shapes and sizes. But the thing about separated people is that they can always look you in the eye and say, "Hey, it's over - I'm going back to my spouse," and you know, they're not lying and they're well within their right (and obligations) to do so since they are not divorced; they are still married. That's the key.
edit: And by the way, which of these lovely people/scenarios would you strike up a relationship:
Ok, let's say that a woman came up to you and said, "I just left my husband ... the two of us just finished having sex a half an hour ago. However, I've left him and I'm not going back - let's you and me start a relationship!" You going to start a relationship with her? (Hey, she's separated Casanova ...)
And I didn't touch on the fact that the woman could be in a loveless marriage. Does that mean you have no problems having a relationship with a married woman if she is in a loveless marriage? | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:55:54 PM | ^^^ I agree with LaughterReigns. When I met my late husband, he had been separated from his wife for 2-1/2 years. She was running around on him for some time before she moved out. He had the house, which he had built with his own hands and was close to being paid off. Several months after he and I met (and after we had gotten engaged), he came home from work one night to find that she had moved back in. They cohabited in separate bedrooms for a month or so until he found an apartment and moved out on the advice of his lawyer.
If I had rejected him because he was separated and the divorce wasn't final - or dumped him later because she moved back into the house without his knowledge or approval - I would have missed the great love of my life. Sometimes things just aren't that cut-and-dried. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:56:15 PM |
My ex-husband and I lived together two years while we were separated and going through a divorce. We were strictly roommates. Both of us were dating other people, it was in the open (meaning we both knew about each other's dates), and there was absolutely NOTHING physical going on with us. It was financially a better route to go, it was great for our daughter, and we got along very well as "roomies/friends." The only rule we had -- and it was because of our daughter -- was we couldn't bring out dates home to spend the night. After two years, I finally moved out because my ex's girlfriend thought it was about time I did (she was right). Lol. Yes, she and I got along fine -- and still do as they are still together -- it's been five years for them...she believed him and stuck around....I'd probably still be roomies with him if she didn't prod me to move out.
So, people, please don't judge too quickly. Not everyone who says they're separated, but living together, is a lying shmuck. Some people actually tell the truth -- how's that for a kicker? I appreciate you sharing your story and can relate. What I don't get is - why did it take your x-hubby's girlfriend to convince you to move out? Why would you continue to stay knowing you had the means to move out? Had things gotten so comfortable as a roomie situation that you just didn't feel a need or compel to move out? Or were you hesitant because even if you could do it on your own, financially it was just more convenient to stay with him? Or some other reason?
It's nice that his girlfriend manage to 'get' this and stick around and convince you to move out. But it's still a very leery situation for anyone in the girlfriend's shoes. I guess a relationship like this is something to attempt, but only with a timeline. If it doesn't work, then whomever is in the girlfriend's shoes should probably bail. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:10:50 PM |
My ex-husband and I lived together two years while we were separated and going through a divorce. We were strictly roommates. Both of us were dating other people, it was in the open (meaning we both knew about each other's dates), and there was absolutely NOTHING physical going on with us. It was financially a better route to go, it was great for our daughter, and we got along very well as "roomies/friends." The only rule we had -- and it was because of our daughter -- was we couldn't bring out dates home to spend the night. After two years, I finally moved out because my ex's girlfriend thought it was about time I did (she was right). Lol. Yes, she and I got along fine -- and still do as they are still together -- it's been five years for them...she believed him and stuck around....I'd probably still be roomies with him if she didn't prod me to move out.
So, people, please don't judge too quickly. Not everyone who says they're separated, but living together, is a lying shmuck. Some people actually tell the truth -- how's that for a kicker?
laughterreigns, I'm not saying that *you* are lying, and I believe you when you said that there was nothing going on between you and your ex. However, is it completely unfathomable that a person in that was outside that situation saying, "You know, they're separated and still living together ... it might be a fiscal situation, but it might be a situation where one or the other really doesn't want to end the relationship"? The thing is that there are a lot of people that have a hard time "making that first step" of actually leaving one another. And that is why I've been harping on the divorce.
To put it in clearer term, it is like if I as a guy said, "You know, instead of going to a nice restaurant for our first date, why don't we spend the evening watching a movie on my couch?" Now, my motives may be admirable, but prior experience for several women is that guys usually make their move and are sexually attacked them in that situation. Thus, while it *can* work and I'm sure *does* work from time to time, it probably isn't the best idea. And, I'll agree - I wouldn't directly accuse every single guy that has come up with that idea for a first date as a horndog ... but I imagine a fair amount were. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:15:59 AM | Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
(By the way, you never said who you would buy the car from ...)
Sell the car to - the scenario you outlined was for selling a car to someone. And obviously I would sell to the one with the cash in hand - the analogy isn't even remotely applicable.
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
edit: And by the way, which of these lovely people/scenarios would you strike up a relationship:
Ok, let's say that a woman came up to you and said, "I just left my husband ... the two of us just finished having sex a half an hour ago. However, I've left him and I'm not going back - let's you and me start a relationship!" You going to start a relationship with her? (Hey, she's separated Casanova ...)
And I didn't touch on the fact that the woman could be in a loveless marriage. Does that mean you have no problems having a relationship with a married woman if she is in a loveless marriage?
I don't know - I don't have sufficient information for EITHER of those situations to say. Even after the first or second date, with ANYONE, I don't know if I want a relationship with a woman that quickly - I don't jump into it that fast.
But you're not really defining relationship, either. Would I have a sexual relationship with one or the other? Potentially both, depending on the rest of the circumstances as best I could determine it.
Would I have a long-term romantic relationship with either of them? Again, potentially both, potentially neither, depending on the rest of the circumstances as best I could determine it.
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
Enough to where the marriage is over legally - thus the relationship is over. I can go on-line or to a courthouse and look it up to guarantee that it happened. That is one heck of a big step.
Actually, I disagree with the first statement - the RELATIONSHIP may be over LEGALLY, but it may not be over emotionally. All the paperwork in the courthouse can tell you is "This person is not married or separated" - it's a big step if you're looking at marriage in the (relatively) near term with this person, but just because the law says X, Y, and Z doesn't mean the person emotionally accepts X, Y, and Z.
You can confirm that they're divorced, though - you can also confirm (albeit indirectly) that a single person is single, since you won't be able to find a marriage record.
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
However, the thing is that they are being honest about their status doesn't mean about everything else in their life.
True - but that is the case regardless of single, married, separated, divorced, broken-up-with girl/boyfriend, whatever.
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
But the thing about separated people is that they can always look you in the eye and say, "Hey, it's over - I'm going back to my spouse," and you know, they're not lying and they're well within their right (and obligations) to do so since they are not divorced; they are still married. That's the key.
And this is NOT the case with a divorced person? Or someone who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend recently? Or someone who was playing the field and is using that as a euphemism for "I found someone hotter, so, buh bye!" etc. etc. Not being legally married is no impediment to the nearly exact same scenario happening anyway - and perusing these forums will show that it has happened again and again despite the fact that the person was NOT "separated"
(which, in and of itself, at least in the USA, is admittedly a funny legal scenario because some states have a legally defined "separated" status, and some don't) | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:26:59 PM | nappykay,
The reason I stayed so long was because I was extremely comfortable with the roomie situation, as was my ex. We get along very well as friends - just not a couple. It was also convenient for both of us because one of us was always around to take care of our daughter if the other one wanted to go somewhere. Financially, it worked out better also. I had no emotional ties to him, as they died during our marriage, and I certainly had no fear of moving out, as I had lived alone for years and years before I got married. Being single never bothered me (it still doesn't, lol). That's it in a nutshell.  | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:30:36 PM | You said it at the end. You are a little dubious.
Many people do this nowadays ... for financial reasons.
And frankly, so what if you can't go round to his place ??? Invite him to yours or meet elsewhere.
But you need to be flexible and you need to want to do this. So obviously, you need to feel something for him. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:33:16 AM | | I can see both sides. I've been the separated one and I've been the one to hear about someone else's situation. I dont think we can assume anyone is a liar. Just be cautious and do what you can to learn more about them and their situation. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:04:14 PM | | I'm going to have to agree with Wiyan here, while the whole separated thing is a big question and I can see both sides of the issue that have been presented here, the guy is moving from one relationship right into another. I know from my own experience that it has taken me almost two years to get over the end of my marriage, this guy needs to be on his own for awhile. That whole living together thing seems to be to much interdependence for me, I just couldn't trust it. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:09:32 PM | I see some of your interpetations of learning how to weed out the things your not looking for. I would like to share with you some things that women post that can also be deceiving as for body types:
Athletic = average
average = very chubby
few extra pounds= qualifies for gastric bypass
So women arent the only ones who give misleading information,,,,,good luck,,,,,,J | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:13:45 PM | Tsk...Tsk...go back and read what you just wrote...surely you arent that stupid....i cant beleive you have to ask...call his wife and see what she has to say....then you'll get your answer...Sounds like a plan to me.... | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:44:04 PM | | OP, I lived with my ex husband for 15 months after we separated. He moved into the basement and I stayed upstairs. Both of us were to stubborn to move out, me wanting him to move and vice versa. We both started dating others. He finally moved after the 15 months, so it does happen. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:08:42 PM | Well lets see, there are in fact many dubious men out there, but do not let such a jaded view make you pass on a guy you think is so nice. I imagine he would understand your concerns maybe you can meet the wife, pick him up while she is there. LOL A bit unconventional yes but so is living with an ex or in this case un-seperated whatever the status.
Do not let unconventional situations deter you or take advise from the jaded either. No one wants you to be fool or to get taken advantage of but often those doling out advice as to why you shouldn't do this or that are often the type who tend to not do a lot of anything.
I can not stand "cheaters" or lying in general. People do it so much they can not remember the truth but worse people have become accustom or have an expectation of people lying rather than the possibility they are in fact explaining the true situation. I say its easy to enough to find the truth if your willing to look for it. I have found most people who were duped were actually a willing dupe who often admit they didn't want to know.
You do not seem as such, so follow through without doing so like a blind fool or letting the disgruntled lead you down another path out of fear either.
Good luck!  | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:15:01 PM | In these difficult economic times....why not?
The Ex... then the Husband and I were legally separated and living in the same house til after the divorce.
you live apart.... do not share the same bedroom or bed and take an oath in front of the judge it's all perfectly legal and legit.
as to whether your guy is telling the truth, that is another thing...... and asking the wife... yikes... do you really want to go there?
all about trust I guess... being honest...ask hard questions and let him know about your concerns, doubts.... get the proof that you need.
I think this arrangement is more common that you know. It certainly makes financial sense rather than trying to sell a house at a sacrifice sale to get out of the relationship fast.
In some situation one or both parties is in no rush to budge and there is a stalemate in the divorce. They choose to live uncomfortably in the same abode and wait each other out until their terms are met. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:30:38 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ YIKES!!!!
 was she referring to moi?
I don't classify myself as desparate... yikes.... savvy to hold on to the house for my kids...but...
please clarify to whom you were addressing as 'desparate' please. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:46:18 PM | | Now I can see I have been wasting my time on this site.Most of the women think the men are lying(maybe they are).Also,I am still in the same house,but my marriage was over years ago.I have a 13yr old son that would tell you he has NEVER seen me hold her hand or sit beside her on the couch.I stayed because she is absolutely hopeless as a parent and I came from a split home and simply made the decision not to do the same to my kids.It has cost me an awful lot looking back .But my kids now understand and love me more for it.But clearly I am seen as married or a liar or both. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:21:32 PM | quote: It is a better idea to avoid newly separated and divorced people in general.
I have found this to be true while i was separated...most womens responses were you are still not emotionally detached.
I ended up living in the Basement for almost a year before i moved out. It was financially more beneficial to do do this. I was fixing up a house to live in for 6 months so i had to live with it. We have kids too and we did share the duties with them, but it was awkward at times , eating dinner, hanging around. glad to be out now and have my own home. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:51:24 PM |
as to whether your guy is telling the truth, that is another thing...... and asking the wife... yikes... do you really want to go there?
If you don't want to go there (or he tells you he won't), then it's safe to say that the guy probably isn't the best candidate for dating because there's still too much angst in the situation to inflict on a new person. If the separation is really legit and there's no stress in the situation, meeting the wife shouldn't be an issue at all - both should be fine with it.
I am still in the same house,but my marriage was over years ago.I have a 13yr old son that would tell you he has NEVER seen me hold her hand or sit beside her on the couch.I stayed because she is absolutely hopeless as a parent and I came from a split home and simply made the decision not to do the same to my kids.It has cost me an awful lot looking back .But my kids now understand and love me more for it.But clearly I am seen as married or a liar or both.
Being a roommate who's not entirely divorced and not being a dating candidate is a consequence that comes with the decision you made - if your son is priority, then dating can wait until he's old enough that you can leave, and you'll be fine with dating new people once ends have been tied. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:02:56 PM | robertkoi wrote:
It is a better idea to avoid newly separated and divorced people in general.
Or people who are just broken up who don't have that convenient legal label to help identify.
Or people who've been out of a relationship for a decade or more but STILL cling to the hope that the other party will come to their senses.
Etc.
yourscooter62 wrote:
most womens responses were: "you are still not emotionally detached."
Which just goes to show that those particular women don't know nearly as much about relationships as they like to think they do.
I can't speak for everyone - but frankly, I had a MUCH more difficult time getting over someone that I'd dated at one point than I did of getting over my ex-wife. Actually, my ex-wife pretty much made it almost effortless to get over her when we finally separated.
Relationships don't work the same for everyone - and the "general rule" about separated/divorced people's "readiness" is about as accurate as weather prediction in the 12th century AD.
That, at least, has been my experience, having been on BOTH sides of the equation. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:49:52 PM | I'm a bit confused here.
So... people who are separated are not good candidate's for dating?
What are they bad people?
Are they all suspect?... Liars?
What if someone you meet is separated legally because their spouse has called it quits on the relationship? Seems to me these people want to move on...move forward.
as for the living arrangements....grow up people.... it makes perfectly good financial sense.... sounds totally fair to the party who is being shown the door.... and in most cases I think that would be the guy btw.
I was with my Ex for 26.5 years... married 24.
I hated him being in the house. But I had a choice...sell the house... displace me and the kids.... or stay and wait out the divorce and mediation.
It was commonsense what to do. Ya... we co-parented... Ya it was horrible...but we were in the same house together til the end of the process.
If you have doubts about someone who is separated.... communicate... ask them about it...and if you are not satisfied.. move on. But don't go painting every separated person with the same brush...everyone's situation is different. | |
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