| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:32:29 AM |
...do you consider your history a non factor in why your wife may feel the way she does?
Very good point. I've never asked her about this. I think today I will. Thanks. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:34:45 AM | | You'll get no pity from me. You actually admit to cheating occasionally and have now put up a profile here. You sound like a selfish SOB to me. Your wife has stood by you after the accident that caused you to be in the situation you are now, and this is how you pay her back by going occasionally for a "ham sandwich" as you call it? You should thank your lucky stars that your selfless wife honored the "for better or worse" part of the marriage vows. A lot of people would of left. You do know that, right? I'm wondering if you would of stuck by her had the roles been reversed. Probably not. Passion my eye. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:40:42 AM |
...do you consider your history a non factor in why your wife may feel the way she does?
Very good point. I've never asked her about this. I think today I will. Thanks.
OP, either you are a complete moron or you are yanking everyone's chain here. Did your wife know abut your "deli" trips? Cause if she did, the very fact that it never crossed your mind that this may have had an impact on her "passion" for you is frankly quite difficult to believe. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:00:24 AM | While I certainly don't condone the deli trips, I can understand why it may have happened. Often (not always), stepping out and cheating are a symptom of what's wrong in a relationship and not the cause. Put aside the fact that you have a man in a wheelchair and a wife who has taken on the admirable position of what amounts to only a caregiver. Take a realtionship where you have two totally healthy individuals otherwise and you have a wife (or husband) who is not only not passionate but not even affectionate to the point of not even kissing or cuddling and then absolutely refuses to discuss the problem, much less seek help to understand what the root cause may be. If the OP is to believed, he has attempted to remedy the situation by wanting to talk with her about it and has suggested counselling somewhere along the line.
OP, if you've cheated before and are looking to do it some more and can't see your wife changing, do both of yourselves a favour and divorce. If you're not happy, she's not either, otherwise the passion, or at the very least the affection, would be there. If it hasn't changed after 20 years, I doubt there's any hope that there will be, particularly with your mindset of stepping outside of the relationship. If you're man enough to want sex, you're man enough to stop using your wife as your caregiver. Face it, that's why you're still in the relationship...it's easier, cheaper and less embarrassing than hiring the assistance you require on a daily basis. You're being a user, if such is the case, and any compassion that people may have felt for you at the beginning of this post has slipped by huge degrees. Regardless, stick with getting counselling. Actually, I'm surprised you weren't offered it at the outset when you first became disabled. It's unusual that the medical profession would not have offered it. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:06:55 AM | | i have worked in the past with paraplegics as a nurse and understand your condition...i felt many feelings for the men on the veteran's ward where i worked...but i admit that a sexual relationship with a paraplegic would be challenging...this it not a normal situation of ...female coolness toward sex.... the two of you need a councelor who is familiar with this condition....you need to accept that your condition will forever make it difficult to achieve the sexual goals you desire...romance is more attainable however...love is possible ..no problem...or shouldn't be.... | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:14:57 AM | I dont think you want to hear the truth about whats going on. But the truth is she probably resents having to take care of you. It doesnt matter how in love people are, stuff like this 99 percent of the time the other person is simply going to lose interest and resent having to be basically disabled with you in a way. Might as well just set her free and live your life man.
I guess my whole point is, why are you surprised by this? Everyone is at least a little bit selfish. Do you really think someone is going to be happy being a defacto nurse instead of a lover and wife? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:33:44 AM | | I am also in a marriage with no affection. The first 2 years were great and then it was like someone turned a light switch off. She has told me to go find another partner ( I have yet to do that) she say's she wants to stay married when I have offered to leave. In doing research on my situation I have found that some women suffer from "Sexual aversion disorder " . I am trying to get my partner to go to counseling with me, I think something in her past may be the cause. So far I am just getting the silent treatment from her when I try to discuss it. For me it will be a deal breaker if nothing changes. Try googling "sexual aversion disorder " see if you find something that you can relate to. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:37:02 AM | ^^^startle...if you're my nurse, who needs a walking stick (rubs hands in glee when about to press the nurse call button) Dangit nurse...I need help, errr I need to pee
Believe me, over the last twenty years I have been no Ward Clever. I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction.
This, of course, does not solve any of the problems and has led to a few others. I do realize that my wife is my preferred choice, but sometimes when the peanut butter and jelly isn't available, the hunger remains and a ham sandwich is chosen.
I realise I'm talking outside my depth here....although the repeated cheating bit, well most of us can relate to that, definitely a deal breaker regardless if its a 20+year plus marriage or a week, and to be honest, you know this deep down...your wife loved you, how else would she have stood by you in all these years....the cheating would have tore a huge chunk on top of the continuous chipping.... the camel's back and all that.
Maybe its time to consider writing her that letter...that one about thanking her for the kids, the memories, the love and affection and for all the years that she put into your care. For once, let her go without the guilt trip. Rekindle your passion with someone else and her the same. You both deserve it. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:47:14 AM |
You'll get no pity from me. You actually admit to cheating occasionally and have now put up a profile here. You sound like a selfish SOB to me. Your wife has stood by you after the accident that caused you to be in the situation you are now, and this is how you pay her back by going occasionally for a "ham sandwich" as you call it? You should thank your lucky stars that your selfless wife honored the "for better or worse" part of the marriage vows. A lot of people would of left. You do know that, right? I'm wondering if you would of stuck by her had the roles been reversed. Probably not. Passion my eye. His wife staying with him through this is admirable...very admirable but as one person said(paraphrasing) would it kill her to break him off some lovin once in a while AT LEAST? Ok what's going on here? If she has no romantic/affectionate feeling for him anymore then here's what you do, get divorced for his and HER benefit! It's really doing neither any favors if she sees him as just a friend and he has to go get his love somewhere else.
No amount of counseling can light a wick that is wet IMO. I'd be outta that scenario far before the 20 year mark. He can hire a caretaker if need be and go find somebody (maybe someone else with a similar disability) who will show him love. His kids are grown. Wth is the guy supposed to do? Be miserable? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:58:13 AM |
He can hire a caretaker if need be and go find somebody (maybe someone else with a similar disability) who will show him love. His kids are grown. Wth is the guy supposed to do? Be miserable?
Oh I think she has shown him plenty of love over the past 20 odd years, I dont hear the OP talking too much about the sacrifice that she made for him, I wonder what kind of love he was showing her when he was out getting his ham sandwiches? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:02:49 PM | 20 years...what have you been doing so far?
You sound like someone in the water. The boat comes by and you call out, "Help! I'm drowning!'. They come up alongside and there you are treading water. They ask what happened, and you say you fell overboard twenty years ago, and are in danger of drowning, now, all of the sudden, some twenty years later. Did the water get deeper or just wetter? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:17:01 PM | | 20 years and you have cheated hell I know why she dont want no passion shit she dont want your STD'S | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:33:57 PM |
Oh I think she has shown him plenty of love over the past 20 odd years, I dont hear the OP talking too much about the sacrifice that she made for him, I wonder what kind of love he was showing her when he was out getting his ham sandwiches? This is getting into the blame game/ chicken & egg scenario. Also there is a distinct disconnect since the man is TRYING to get/show love to his wife yet she is not responding. So what are we to do? Answer= get a divorce so both people can be happy. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:41:57 PM | i would say that the water has grown bitter....
the children have grown up, and are far less dependent.... and are ready to move on, or have already left the nest......
the only thing left is the silence between to "best friends".... but is that enough to carry you too eternity? clearly not or you would not be here.... not pof, the forums.
i hear your cries for intimacy. not a hard f**k, but a gentle kiss... a hug... the sound of a i love you ringing in your ear... but alas it is not for you! for you it is the whip! and why because you are a cheater....
never mind that your wife has not touched you the better of twenty years....
never mind that a tender kiss was just an elusive dream....
she was there.... by your side...
she washed your clothing........................................ she made your meals
always there............................................................always faithful?
and you what have you done for her....have you thanked her
not enough!......................... it seems
have you professed your love for her?
not loud enough....................it seems
NO! you cheated on her...... and now you are bound to spend eternity
alone
with her.
it seems that the answer you seek is to difficult to answer
and chastising you seems so so much easier...
so let me add to the pile....
the answer you seek is in your heart,and mind. only you know how much you can bear. only you know the value of your relationship....as opposed to your need to be touched.
all i can say is seek professional help....with her.... or without her.
that way you can make your choice based on love. not frustration, hurt, anger.
sorry bud!
best i could do............ | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:03:18 PM | If you need the physical relationship and she is giving only silence then I would ask her permission to get it elsewhere. If that doesn't shock her out of her silence, what will?
Edit - Just read the last few posts.....ladies, I realize the idea of any man being unfaithful is abhorrent, however.........denying a sexual relationship with your husband for 20 years is more abhorrent IMO than his "deli trips".
Sex is a need for some and needs have to met. I would say that she is lucky HE has stay married to her this long without getting any sex........... | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:10:28 PM | | I'm sorry, your in this position, you really love your wife and yet something has went wrong and nobody but her knows what happened, I won't tell you what I don't know, this is bigger than me, what you should do is continue to love your wife and hopefully she responds to you if not you probably should reconsider your marriage because i feel you should not suffer unhappiness, good Luck. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:18:50 PM | Cheating doesn't bode well with the ladies (and how would you feel if your wife did the same because she was getting no passion from you?), but let's remember that the passion probably dried up long before your transgressions, which is what the ladies here need to realize is what caused you to stray.
That said, apologize profusely to your wife for past transgressions, assure her that you want her and only her, and, even though you're paralyzed from the belly-button down, if you haven't got it in the hips, assure her that you've still got it in the lips! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:31:08 PM | | Sorry mate i really feel for you but i think your only opption are prostitutes, just don't tell her. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:47:51 PM |
Sorry mate i really feel for you but i think your only opption are prostitutes, just don't tell her.
Ya...cuz prostitutes are so full of the warm fuzzy affection and cuddling the OP is after that he's been missing  Sure it's about sex, but it's about more than just sex. I hate simplistic responses such as the above quoted and this is anything but a simplistic situation. I'm sure they both feel like they're in a form of prison without the benefit of conjugal visits. Given the OP's age as well, I'm sure he's feeling like his opportunities for a more fulfilling life are slipping by, as I'm sure his wife must feel. Hope those counselling sessions work well for you OP and you come to some solid decisions before you pursue a slippery slope that won't wind up making you feel any more fulfilled, other than temporarily by short sexual encounters. Blah...how cold. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:54:54 PM | OP - you won't get any pity from me either. I think you're a self centred, navel gazing, "what's in it for me" jerk. Maybe your wife knows about your 'deli trips'. Maybe she's hurting. Maybe she's exhausted from being your helper all these years. Maybe she's been wanting some ham of her own, but doesn't get it out of consideration of her vows. From your posts, it seems like it's all about you, your needs, your wants, your need for attention (you said it in your last post). Grow up, stop thinking only about yourself, get counselling, actually talk with your WIFE without starting a sentence with "I want" or "I need" and ask her what SHE wants and needs... and do the right thing, if you're even capable of that.
I hope you choke on your 'ham sandwich'. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 3:17:12 PM | Whenever the dynamics of the husband / wife relationship change to caregiver / patient, it's almost inevitable to see this swing to a non-sexual relationship. The caregiver has gone from a lover to the person who becomes responsible for activities of daily living that most of us would cringe at. I have no problem cleaning a soiled bedpan or emptying out a catheter bag for any of my patients under my care at work, but would not want to be the one doing so for my husband on a daily basis for 25 + years.
I am a very passionate woman and I know my passion level would disappear if I had to do that every day for my husband. Other than the counciling sessions that others have suggested (fine for your personal issues but since she won't go, not the best idea for "couple" issues), I would suggest you have a personal care worker attend to all the ADL's that your wife has probably assumed over the years. Maybe the passion would resume once she saw you again as her husband and not her patient? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 3:35:09 PM | Your chastisements and kicks in the nuts are gladly recieved just as well as the more friendly ones. That's why I wrote to this forum, for all of the advice. I make myself feel better by comparing this lifetime vow of fidelity to a bloody lunch decision, but that's just wrong. I've been a**** My profile is up here (how can I turn it off but stay on the forum?), but meeting others isn't solving anything.
I realized that yesterday and that's why I hit the forum button. My wife is who I love, my disability is a million times easier to live with because of her and I honestly don't want to be without her. A real difficulty is hearing from her what she wants and needs. The "I heart U" text messages, the flower for no reason, the other Today Show hints to happiness do not tickle her. That's why I yelled for help.
She and I will talk more about this. I have made a counseling appointment for myself and hope that it can help us both. Twenty years ago we both went to a couple's thing at church and it taught me to communicate my wants and needs relating to our relationship and not to expect or demand them. For twenty years I've been waiting to hear hers, but haven't. That's not a gripe, just the truth. My wife is a saint to me and all who know the both of us.
And I'm not pulling anyone's leg here. Just trying to honestly express my thoughts to a third party. Thanks again to all. p.s. What does OP mean? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 3:42:33 PM |
What does OP mean?
OP is the Original Poster...in other words, you, since you started this thread.
I'm not going to address your infidelity, since others have already done that; I don't agree with it at all, but, you also seem fairly genuine in your desire to make your marriage work.
One thing I don't think you mentioned in this thread so far....what all does your wife do? Does she work, I assume? What does she do for her down-time, for fun and relaxation? It sounds like she's got a full-time job with your disability, so I guess I'm asking, does she ever get a break, just a day out to herself, time with girlfriends, just to relax and enjoy herself? If the flowers, Today Show hints and the like aren't helping in the least, perhaps spoil her in a way that's purely selfish for HER for a change? As in, let her relax, revel in being a woman AND a partner/lover, rather than being what essentially seems to be a caregiver? I don't mean to be rude in any of that, but, just to suggest giving her time to remember who she is.
Also, do you discuss non-sexual/intimacy issues with her, as in, what are her hopes and dreams, things like that? Obviously a lot of those have probably taken a backseat for her in the last 25 years...but sometimes it's just knowing that the other person cares about things like that, that make all the difference in the world. Good luck.  | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:05:04 PM | I think, out of all the forum posts I have read on here.. this one is the first one that made me nauseous.. The line from the song in Dr' Seuss' The Grinch That Stole Christmas.. comes to mind.. "You have all the tender sweetness of a sea sick crocodile. Given a choice between the two of you.. I would pick the sea sick crocodile.. Mr Grinch. .....
The best words that describe you are as follows and I quote... stink, stank, stunk. "
While not the most eloquently said.. yup, it fits.
It makes me wonder how far humanity has sunk. Do her a favor and divorce her and then go have your ham sammie.
Arp | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:18:20 PM |
...over the last twenty years I have been no Ward Clever. I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction.
Temporary satisfaction, eh? That doesn’t really coincide with what you've written on your profile to lure in your match: “I don’t want to change your life. I want to be part of it.'
Be sure to let your new gal know that there’s an expiration date on the passion.
I do realize that my wife is my preferred choice, but sometimes when the peanut butter and jelly isn't available, the hunger remains and a ham sandwich is chosen.
You build a great “poor boy” sandwich; you pile the cold cuts high
But some of us can smell the bullshit coming through the rye
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