| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:47:42 PM | OP, you need marriage counseling; you don't need advice from the peanut gallery, barrel of monkeys, or whatever you'd like to call us users of POF.
seriously. you need a qualified counselor or psychologist. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:58:15 PM | If my husband habitually cheated over twenty years I would shut down emotionally towards him forever. My love for him and sense of duty may keep me in the home as his caregiver, I might stay to raise the kids in a two family home, I may clean his body and act as his nurse but the complete rage I would feel towards him for breaking the vows would be seething under the surface every day.
She sleeps alone every night, she cannot have sex with the man she married, she is the sole care giver of a paraplegic that CHEATS on her? Buddy you are lucky she didn't put a pillow over your face years ago.
JMHO but you have been very selfish in your marriage and she has done nothing but become a martyr. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:42:58 PM |
She sleeps alone every night, she cannot have sex with the man she married, she is the sole care giver of a paraplegic that CHEATS on her? Buddy you are lucky she didn't put a pillow over your face years ago.
JMHO but you have been very selfish in your marriage and she has done nothing but become a martyr.
Amen to that!!! 
I have been watching this thread progress and I'm just amazed at the posters outpouring of sympathy toward a guy who's whining about not getting affection when his partner hasn't been able to have normal lovemaking for 28 years of her life.
Gawd almighty! What more does a woman have to do to NOT deserve to be cheated on?
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:52:40 PM | | ^^^^Sorry, but I'm not big on martyrdom either. Let's not forget that this woman is not willing to even discuss the problem. He's obviously willing to be affectionate and sexual, she's not. She's taken on and embraced the role of caregiver and refuses to acknowledge the role of spouse. As I said, I certainly don't condone cheating, but I can certainly understand what can lead to it. Would you be willing to not be sexual or affectionate with a spouse and carry on as strictly a caregiver because the "worse" happened in the "for better or worse" part of the marriage, or would you at the very least make an effort to look beyond that martydom role to reconnect in the loving way you supposedly started the marriage? Him cheating is not right and her actions causing them both to suffer is not right. I'm just as amazed that some people can't see the problem from both sides of the fence. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:14:39 PM |
^^^^Sorry, but I'm not big on martyrdom either. Let's not forget that this woman is not willing to even discuss the problem. He's obviously willing to be affectionate and sexual, she's not. She's taken on and embraced the role of caregiver and refuses to acknowledge the role of spouse. As I said, I certainly don't condone cheating, but I can certainly understand what can lead to it. Would you be willing to not be sexual or affectionate with a spouse and carry on as strictly a caregiver because the "worse" happened in the "for better or worse" part of the marriage, or would you at the very least make an effort to look beyond that martydom role to reconnect in the loving way you supposedly started the marriage? Him cheating is not right and her actions causing them both to suffer is not right. I'm just as amazed that some people can't see the problem from both sides of the fence.
Well lemme see now... what I see is him saying she's not willing to discuss the problem and then, in his reposts, saying that he will be talking with her.. So... which is it? That's one of the disparities I see in his postings.
Secondly, most of us even in normal relationships, would not feel affectionately toward someone who is cheating.
Third, I think she has also made some HUGE sacrifices to remain married to him and that deserves some very real respect.
Fourth, I think she has probably stood all over her own sex drive to remain his wife and partner through the years and her lack of affection may be part of how she stays in control of her own desires. I can understand that a lot better than I can understand why he has cheated.
And to answer your question, I'm really not sure I would have had the many muscles of self-restraint it has likely taken his wife to remain in that marriage. I daresay, there are few who would be capable of being with a man who is unable to perform (if the forums here are any indication) AND a cheat to boot. The only people referring to her as a martyr are those here in this forum. I don't see her here asking to be canonized.
I have to wonder, what is "condonation" if not the willingness to overlook the obvious???
Just my thoughts... | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:29:03 PM | Well lemme see now... what I see is him saying she's not willing to discuss the problem and then, in his reposts, saying that he will be talking with her.. So... which is it? That's one of the disparities I see in his postings.
What I see is he's making the effort again to attempt to get her to discuss it
Secondly, most of us even in normal relationships, would not feel affectionately toward someone who is cheating.
I'ts never been disclosed that she's even been aware that he has...you're assuming she even knows.
Third, I think she has also made some HUGE sacrifices to remain married to him and that deserves some very real respect.
It obviously deserves respect that she has made sacrifies but she's also sacrificed the marriage by not acknowledging there's a problem outside of being a caregiver.
Fourth, I think she has probably stood all over her own sex drive to remain his wife and partner through the years and her lack of affection may be part of how she stays in control of her own desires. I can understand that a lot better than I can understand why he has cheated.
Unfortunately, we don't have her perspective, so you have no idea if she has any desires at all for her husband or any man. You make it sound as though the husband in this situation isn't capable of affection or returning it when it's actually the crux of the problem. He is capable, desires it, has attempted to discuss it, including counselling, and she will have none of it.
And to answer your question, I'm really not sure I would have had the many muscles of self-restraint it has likely taken his wife to remain in that marriage. I daresay, there are few who would be capable of being with a man who is unable to perform (if the forums here are any indication) AND a cheat to boot. The only people referring to her as a martyr are those here in this forum. I don't see her here asking to be canonized.
What I see is some people making her the martyr automatically strictly because she's in the marriage in person but not in spirit. She may not be asking to be canonized but she's being referred to by some as though she should be canonized. And just how do you rationalize that the man is a cheater in the same breath that he can't perform? Which is it? He can perform and cheat or that he can't perform and she stays with him regardless? Selective reasoning maybe. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:30:15 PM |
I hope you choke on your 'ham sandwich.'
forumphantom, I second that!!!!
OP, I cannot believe how selfish you are. I've been in your wife's position, caring for a loved one who was injured in an accident and suffered a spinal-cord injury. I speak from experience: you have NO IDEA how utterly exhausting it is -- physically and emotionally -- to care for someone 24/7. My heart goes out to your wife. If I were in her shoes, and I had to listen to your whining and pleading for romance and affection , and knowing that you had sought affection elsewhere, I would not sit silently (as you said your wife does). I would ream you a new one. I hope you choke on your 'ham sandwich.' | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:49:39 PM |
forumphantom, I second that!!!!
OP, I cannot believe how selfish you are. I've been in your wife's position, caring for a loved one who was injured in an accident and suffered a spinal-cord injury. I speak from experience: you have NO IDEA how utterly exhausting it is -- physically and emotionally -- to care for someone 24/7. My heart goes out to your wife. If I were in her shoes, and I had to listen to your whining and pleading for romance and affection , and knowing that you had sought affection elsewhere, I would not sit silently (as you said your wife does). I would ream you a new one. I hope you choke on your 'ham sandwich.' Wow, so tough shit for him then huh? I like how "pleading for romance and affection" is considered whining. I'm just curious if you think there is anything he could/can do to rekindle affection and if the answer is no (due to purely the circumstances and or other reason(s)) then I would highly suggest a divorce as of yesterday. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:34:22 PM | In a way, this reminds me of my grandparents situation, except totally opposite. After 20 years of marriage my grandfather was critically injured in a coal mining accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. He was hospitalized nearly a year before he was well enough to go home, and my grandmother stuck by him through it all. She even took classes in order to care for him at home herself, which she did for the better part of the next 20+ years until he passed away from congenital heart failure in 1999. Even though he had to remain in his own hospital bed the remainder of his life, every night my grandmother would climb into his bed next to him and snuggle up to watch the 10 o'clock news. That's just one example of how they stayed close in that type of situation. Not a day went by, according to my grandmother, that they didn't tell each other they loved each other. The day he passed away, he had just called her from the hospital to say good morning, and began having a bad coughing spell and could barely talk. She told him to hang up until it calmed down. He was able to choke out an "I love you" before his line cut off. 20 minutes later she got a call from the hospital telling her she needed to get there right away. They didn't want to tell her over the phone that he was gone. When she got there, they broke the news to her, and told her that when they found him, he was leaning over the bed rail with his hand still on the phone, and he had already passed. My grandmother always says that even though she still grieves for him even today, she feels blessed to have had that opportunity to say good bye. I like to retell that story when I can because to me that's what true, unconditional love is all about. It's a rarity in this day and age.
I know that doesn't help your situation OP, but your wife has stuck by you all this time when she could have just walked away. That's saying something at least. If you're miserable, I'm sure she is too. What you have to figure out is do you want to live the rest of your life feeling like that? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:44:05 PM |
Wondering how long it has been since the two of you have had sexual activity?
Maybe twice - Baby 1 and 2. lol
OP, there has to be more to this…and your wife is as much as a victim as you in this situation.
You should thank your wife for being there for you the last 20+ years. She did good for your every day care, and care of your kids. That is a tiring work and it can do ya head in.
I think she accept the cards that was dealt for her in her marriage and on with her daily routine exhausting her physically and mentally. Her lack of passion towards you OP migtht only be something to do with not giving a sht after a while. Her only problem is poor communication as time went by.
If you are looking for a lady friend perhaps you encourage the Mrs to do the same. Or you can always join the swingers club? LOL
Heaps of couples have open-marriages today, try that too. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:54:10 PM | What should you do? I can't answer that, I have no base to speak from on marriage counseling and divorce, and try to avoid doing so.
I will tell you that my parents are in a 'non-physical' relationship. They sleep in separate rooms and I sincerely believe they had sex a total of twice, both times to conceive myself and my sister. My father resorted to things I won't detail here to get his 'needs' met, and she lacks any sort of libido as far as I can tell. It seriously screwed me up (and think it messed my sister up too), but as your children are grown that's apparently a non-issue for your family.
Three things are needed for any healthy relationship, typically in this order; trust, communication and a decent sex life. You two seem to be missing the last one and at least some of the second one.
Ask yourself this... is it better to be in a questionable relationship and worrying all the time, wanting more than you have (and in your case what you want is reasonable) or is it better to be single and at least have the possibility of finding a woman to have a healthy relationship with?
I have no experience with anyone who has your disability, but I'm quite confident that those that do could say that your disability doesn't mean you can't have any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. It just requires some modifications to methods.
Good luck, whatever you decide. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:57:58 PM | AHandHolderGV, Was a caregiver to my husband for fourteen years so I fully understand what you are dealing with. And I even admit I went thru the period where yes, I felt like his nurse or caretaker and not his wife. But I changed that.
The local hospice has a great group for caregivers that discusses the sexual and romantic aspects of caring for someone who isn't dying, but is seriously disabled. Check out the books that Christopher Reeve and his wife wrote, as they discuss the very thing you are dealing with. And yes it was more work for his wife! But thats just how it was.
Now, I would think that if you have gotten sexual satisfaction from someone else in the past and more than once, she may have simply resigned herself to being your caregiver with no desire for sex.
~Beth~ | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:03:53 AM | Um.... I've actually used the Find feature on all three pages on this thread, and not one post from the OP mentions cheating. Where does he say he cheated on his wife? I tend to not read every post, it gets very time consuming (and half of them are people being unpleasant, which is generally uncalled for) but there were so many screaming about him cheating I caught one just by accident.
So, what post number does he admit to this? Seriously. Also, having a profile on PoF does not automatically make you a cheater. As of this minute, it's set to 'Hang Out'. How many of you that have berated the OP have lived in a household with this situation? I'd wager quite a small number of you.
You need a qualified counselor or psychologist
I won't say that he doesn't need to seek help for the two of them, but professionals can be as full of crap as this 'peanut gallery', they just charge more. I know this from first-hand experience. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:19:17 AM |
Kjacks31 wrote: Um.... I've actually used the Find feature on all three pages on this thread, and not one post from the OP mentions cheating. Where does he say he cheated on his wife?
In Message #26 he wrote
I want to thank all of you for your input. Believe me, over the last twenty years I have been no Ward Clever.  I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction'.
So he admits to looking elsewhere in the past and now today.
~Beth~ | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:19:21 AM | Kjacks, if a guy is married or attached, has a profile on a dating site, yes it makes him a definite CHEATER!
Such a guy should be paying attention to his wife or gf not trolling for other women. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:29:45 AM | | One of my clients works with people who have sustained a spinal cord injury. One of the women I work directly with is a high-level quad...she met and married her husband post injury. Most of the people I know who have an SCI met and married the loves of their lives post injury. I personally feel his wife is equally to blame for his cheating....she gave up on an intimate relationship with her husband for whatever reason....she chose and continues to choose to see her husband, not as a lover but as a _________. Simply because someone has an SCI, does not preclude them from being intimate with their partners........ Depriving someone to whom you are married sexual intimacy is not being a good partner. Refusing to even discuss it does not make someone a good partner...a good caregiver perhaps, but not a good partner. People who marry are supposed to communicate with each other, to try to meet each other's needs...Many marriages/relationships fall apart after such a life altering event occurs...it is not easy and I feel for both. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:33:55 AM | I do feel sorry for you both. (In different ways)
Thanks again and feel free to continue with your thoughts. I love the attention.
Attention and validation is what I thought after reading your responses.
You both have "issues" that won't be resolved here.
Good people with able bodies that aren't married are having a tough enough time finding
a partner here. The odds are slim to none for you.
Married
Admitted cheater
Disabled
Sexually impaired
Special care needs
Attention seeking
Disrespecting and not appreciative of a woman who has been your nurse and friend for many years.
I am not addressing her faults as you mention them because we don't have her side, but it is your post and you are seeking sex.
Again except for a bit of chat, this is probably not the place to find what you are seeking. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:08:15 AM | | I think the selfish one here is OP...he is using his disability for sympathy votes, we don't really know the whole story. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:13:49 AM | OP what do U do ??? U give me a reason to be happy Im not in your shoes.  Thanks, lol.
Ok its not funny, thats a hard situation. And dont think I can offer any meaningful advice. Which kind of throws me, since Im a really opinionated **stard and usually have no problem at all rambling on about almost anything conceivable. So Im going to take this as a challenge and try to come up with summin ...... .... . . . .. ..... . . .....
Ok, your para ? U cant even feel anything below the waist ? If that's so, U cant complete the normal process of intercourse ? If U were to cheat, what would be entailed ? Feck Im just typing here dood, Im coming up with nothing useful for real.
Would say just because she doesnt want to go to counseling, doesnt mean U cant try to avail yourself of some. They may be able to give U an insight or worthwhile advice. Most femme's dont need sexual contact the way men do. ( or in the same context anyway, ladies is that accurate ? Im probally wrong, az not like Im a femme expert. )
And having her mate disabled in that department. Guess she's gotten used to/ resigned herself to adapting to a relationship without physical intimacy. In the normal sense anyway.
Think all U can do, is keep exploring your options. If U cant get her to openly communicate about your feelings/needs. Then whatever happens, think your really lucky in the kind of relationship U described dood. I mean best friends etc.
Ah feck I give up, but ^ thats an impressive amount of filler material anyway, good lk OP. Thats a raw deal for someone to find themselves facing.
And: If U decide to do anything underhanded, think U need to do it openly. And also whats good 4 the gander is also 4 the goose. If your going outside of your relationship for purely physical needs. Then U cant get mad at her, if she wanted to do the same. Ah I dont have enough info, about what your even thinking about doing, or what extent your prepared to go to.
Just might want to bare in mind, .... dont know what Uve got ... till its gone. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:52:36 AM |
...do you consider your history a non factor in why your wife may feel the way she does? Very good point. I've never asked her about this. I think today I will. Thanks.
OP: Do you have a brain injury as well?
How could you not think that your infidelity would not impact her feelings?
His wife staying with him through this is admirable...very admirable but as one person said(paraphrasing) would it kill her to break him off some lovin once in a while AT LEAST?
He cheated...and I'm sure that the cheating is the only thing the OP gave his poor wife multiples of...
AT LEAST he's lucky she didn't take him to San Francisco on vacation and let him go at the top of Lombard Street when she found out he was cheating.
Sex is a need for some and needs have to met. I would say that she is lucky HE has stay married to her this long without getting any sex...........
I thought that the OP was incapable of throwing the wife a bone?
He's Catholic...the wife is probably staying out of sheer guilt and even though the OP has had his ham-related dalliances.
How many women would realistically want to take on a disabled, cheating man full time?
According to these forums it's hard enough for an able-bodied man with morals intact to get any play.
Your chastisements and kicks in the nuts are gladly recieved
That's easy to say when you can't feel them!
I'ts never been disclosed that she's even been aware that he has...you're assuming she even knows.
Actually it has...see the first quotes of my post. If she didn't already know then why would he ask?
He's probably never apologized either if he's so self-centered that it never even occurred to him that his cheating might have some kind of effect on her feelings towards him.
But even before he cheated the fact that she had to take on the role of full time parent and sole caregiver to two young children and caregiver to her husband, all in her twenties no less, wouldn't leave a whole lot of leftover time or energy.
How many normal marriages suffer from a lack of intimacy when the kidlets are small?
Not to mention they can never have normal sex again so not only has she lost someone to help physically raise her children she also lost her lover. That's a lot to handle at any time let alone your twenties.
She was probably just doing the best she could to get by in a difficult situation.
If the OP is as selfish in bed as he is out of it we can only assume that he's done nothing to entice her to be physically intimate with him. Maybe she doesn't want to get all worked up over something she can never have again and she is avoiding physical intimacy so she herself is not tempted to stray.
Discuss an open marriage so she can have her needs mets as well.
I'm sure after 25 years of putting up with you and your crap she could use a good pounding! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:23:08 AM |
His wife staying with him through this is admirable...very admirable but as one person said(paraphrasing) would it kill her to break him off some lovin once in a while AT LEAST?
He cheated...and I'm sure that the cheating is the only thing the OP gave his poor wife multiples of...
AT LEAST he's lucky she didn't take him to San Francisco on vacation and let him go at the top of Lombard Street when she found out he was cheating. Ok so is the lack of affection/sex from her BECAUSE he cheated (no soup for you type thing) or did he cheat BECAUSE the lack of affection/sex? I'm kinda confused which it is here (or maybe it's both AKA no win situation). Yeah 20+ years with little to no affection and the selfish **stard takes the cheaters way out......bad on him. I say he should've held out another 15 just to see who can "win". Wife should've initiated a divorce (still can). If something isn't working/not gonna work ever, then the sane thing to do is move on for the benefit of BOTH people. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:29:11 AM |
If the OP is as selfish in bed as he is out of it we can only assume that he's done nothing to entice her to be physically intimate with him. Maybe she doesn't want to get all worked up over something she can never have again and she is avoiding physical intimacy so she herself is not tempted to stray.
Again, this is the part that I find very confusing. People keep getting bent that he's cheating and then in the next breath say she probably doesn't want to get worked up about something she can't have. Obviously, if he's cheating, there's some form of intimacy he's capable of. If he's capable of it with someone else, he's capable of it with her as well and she's the one refusing to participate.
The bigger picture is the fact that he has to ask for kisses even and only gets a peck, not even cuddling of any kind. If you're only going to stay in a relationship as a caregiver, what precisely is the point? They both stay in the relationship based largely on guilt and familiarity. Her guilt is being afraid that people would think she would be an awful person to leave him because of his circumstances or that he would think badly of her. His guilt in leaving is that she has in fact been there all this time seeing to his needs and how can you leave someone that selfless. Both, with respect to the familiarity, because it's become an ingrained lifestyle for 20 years - fear of the unknown is scary.
The notion that he requires 24/7 care isn't necessarily true either. I've seen many cases of relatively self-sufficient paraplegics - many live alone, drive, are on sports teams, meet the opposite sex and, yes, even have children after the fact. How is he cheating if he requires 24/7 care? His wife obviously isn't there during those times. He's not totally disabled...he can't use his legs. He's as human as the rest of the human race, not some mindless, unfeeling, emotionally void blob in a wheelchair. His problem is no different really than any other man who lives in a relationship where a wife refuses or has no interest in sex or closeness but goes through the motions of every day life. If they had a child who was a paraplegic and the wife took on being the primary caregiver, would that mean that she should have no interest in her husband because she's so "burnt out"? Again, I'm simply looking at this from both sides of the fence. She can't be absolved...she does share in some of the situation they find themselves in in the intimacy/closeness department. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:53:16 AM | I think I explained it in my post.
Cheating and whining never solves anything.
He has the option to get a divorce if he wants to.
I agree that she is probably there out of guilt and familiarity and probably also the church. My friend's Mom had the crap beaten out of her on a regular basis but thought it was a sin to leave her husband in the eyes of the Catholic church. I don't understand this kind of misguided loyalty but to each his/her own choices.
It's his choice to stay or go.
He cannot force feelings and affection from his wife if she does not have them whether he thinks he deserves them or not.
He mentioned his cheating as an afterthought. All I was saying is that if he is so selfish that he never considered that his actions would have an impact on her then he's probably as selfish and self-centered everywhere else in his life as well.
He's not totally disabled...he can't use his legs. He's as human as the rest of the human race, not some mindless, unfeeling, emotionally void blob in a wheelchair. His problem is no different really than any other man who lives in a relationship where a wife refuses or has no interest in sex or closeness but goes through the motions of every day life.
Then he has the same options as any other man who is dissatisfied with his situation. Resolve it or dissolve it. | |
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