| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:23:08 AM |
His wife staying with him through this is admirable...very admirable but as one person said(paraphrasing) would it kill her to break him off some lovin once in a while AT LEAST?
He cheated...and I'm sure that the cheating is the only thing the OP gave his poor wife multiples of...
AT LEAST he's lucky she didn't take him to San Francisco on vacation and let him go at the top of Lombard Street when she found out he was cheating. Ok so is the lack of affection/sex from her BECAUSE he cheated (no soup for you type thing) or did he cheat BECAUSE the lack of affection/sex? I'm kinda confused which it is here (or maybe it's both AKA no win situation). Yeah 20+ years with little to no affection and the selfish **stard takes the cheaters way out......bad on him. I say he should've held out another 15 just to see who can "win". Wife should've initiated a divorce (still can). If something isn't working/not gonna work ever, then the sane thing to do is move on for the benefit of BOTH people. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:29:11 AM |
If the OP is as selfish in bed as he is out of it we can only assume that he's done nothing to entice her to be physically intimate with him. Maybe she doesn't want to get all worked up over something she can never have again and she is avoiding physical intimacy so she herself is not tempted to stray.
Again, this is the part that I find very confusing. People keep getting bent that he's cheating and then in the next breath say she probably doesn't want to get worked up about something she can't have. Obviously, if he's cheating, there's some form of intimacy he's capable of. If he's capable of it with someone else, he's capable of it with her as well and she's the one refusing to participate.
The bigger picture is the fact that he has to ask for kisses even and only gets a peck, not even cuddling of any kind. If you're only going to stay in a relationship as a caregiver, what precisely is the point? They both stay in the relationship based largely on guilt and familiarity. Her guilt is being afraid that people would think she would be an awful person to leave him because of his circumstances or that he would think badly of her. His guilt in leaving is that she has in fact been there all this time seeing to his needs and how can you leave someone that selfless. Both, with respect to the familiarity, because it's become an ingrained lifestyle for 20 years - fear of the unknown is scary.
The notion that he requires 24/7 care isn't necessarily true either. I've seen many cases of relatively self-sufficient paraplegics - many live alone, drive, are on sports teams, meet the opposite sex and, yes, even have children after the fact. How is he cheating if he requires 24/7 care? His wife obviously isn't there during those times. He's not totally disabled...he can't use his legs. He's as human as the rest of the human race, not some mindless, unfeeling, emotionally void blob in a wheelchair. His problem is no different really than any other man who lives in a relationship where a wife refuses or has no interest in sex or closeness but goes through the motions of every day life. If they had a child who was a paraplegic and the wife took on being the primary caregiver, would that mean that she should have no interest in her husband because she's so "burnt out"? Again, I'm simply looking at this from both sides of the fence. She can't be absolved...she does share in some of the situation they find themselves in in the intimacy/closeness department. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:53:16 AM | I think I explained it in my post.
Cheating and whining never solves anything.
He has the option to get a divorce if he wants to.
I agree that she is probably there out of guilt and familiarity and probably also the church. My friend's Mom had the crap beaten out of her on a regular basis but thought it was a sin to leave her husband in the eyes of the Catholic church. I don't understand this kind of misguided loyalty but to each his/her own choices.
It's his choice to stay or go.
He cannot force feelings and affection from his wife if she does not have them whether he thinks he deserves them or not.
He mentioned his cheating as an afterthought. All I was saying is that if he is so selfish that he never considered that his actions would have an impact on her then he's probably as selfish and self-centered everywhere else in his life as well.
He's not totally disabled...he can't use his legs. He's as human as the rest of the human race, not some mindless, unfeeling, emotionally void blob in a wheelchair. His problem is no different really than any other man who lives in a relationship where a wife refuses or has no interest in sex or closeness but goes through the motions of every day life.
Then he has the same options as any other man who is dissatisfied with his situation. Resolve it or dissolve it. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:53:57 AM | | i'm sorry to be blunt, but i doubt the answer to your problems is joining a dating site to cheat on your loyal wife. also you cannot have intercourse, is that correct? you stated that you are paralyzed from the waist down correct? well then how do you expect to cheat on your wife? most women don't want to date married guys who are in wheelchairs unless they themselves are disabled. this has got to be one of the dumbest posts i've ever read!! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:57:20 PM | | ^^^Yes but if that's the case why in the world doesn't the WIFE get a divorce? If something is holding her back like religion or fear of being labeled a 'cold ****' etc well my message would be to not care what others think if you know you are not in the wrong. End of dilemma. An adult should be able to make difficult decisions like that instead of going along with something which they cannot tolerate. I thought people had their own minds? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:09:55 PM | I was involved in an auto accident and became paraplegic.
One of my pals is in the same boat. It's very unfortunate. He's never been married at all and probably never will be. He lives his life and doesn't whine about it.
The four of us love each other like the happiest, loving family on any TV show.
Then life ain't all bad. Count your blessings, I always say. It could be much worse.
Our relationship has become Mom and Dad, nurse and patient, closest friends. Husband and wife are just in appearance only to the outside world.
All you really mean is that there's no sex. A common tale for marriages as old as yours, paraplegic or not.
Do I have another relationship? Do I put up and shut up? Do I end this marriage? Do I ignore the problem and watch football? what should I do?
Nobody can answer that for you. No buck passing. You have to take responsibility for your own decisions and actions.
I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction.
You just answered your own question. What do you need us for? Validation to make yourself feel better? No fair trying to pass the buck. It's your life. You decide and bear the consequences. Just like everybody else.
But just so you know I have an opinion: either divorce your wife or stay with her in a sexless marriage. NO CHEATING!
P.S. life's a b*tch and everyone has problems...serious problems. Sooner or later. And it the end, nobody gets out alive. Have a nice day.
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:39:44 PM | Kjacks, if a guy is married or attached, has a profile on a dating site, yes it makes him a definite CHEATER!
Such a guy should be paying attention to his wife or gf not trolling for other women.
honeyangel
when a human commits a crime... does not the law look at the reasons why the crime was committed to justly pass judgment..
here the crime that he was first punished for was it not being injured in a car accident. therefore his wife(i assume) took on the roll of caregiver....at the same time abandoning her roll as wife...lover...partner.
the of has stated there was no intimacy between them... here he is not talking of sex...he stated she would not kiss him.... unless he asked her.... and then it was not a romantic kiss.. nor a loving kiss... it was just a quick peck on the lips..... AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE CHEATING. there was no touching of a romantic nature... there was no love... in what we as humans crave for....AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE CHEATING
again the op has stated that he tried to talk to her... but his talks fell on deaf ears
AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE CHEATING
YES he admits to his guilt.....he sought affection....he sought comfort.... hell we could just say he wanted to have sex......
the question here DID HE CHEAT.... OR WAS HE DRIVEN TO CHEAT...
my intent is not to excuse his behavior....but also a can not see her as a martyr.... i see her as a woman that denounced her roll as a wife..... and took on the roll of caregiver and mother. yes she raised the children... yes she took care of the man she married. not her loving husband...the man she married...the cripple...not her husband....she did sleep in his bed..... not her husband.... the did make love.... not her husband.... just the man she was caring for...the man she was feeding and washing...the man she was so revolted by....
SHE COULD NOT BRING HERSELF TO HOLD HIS HAND....
SHE COULD NOT BRING HERSELF TO KISS HIS LIPS
just as owning a gun does not make a person a killer.... so does wedding voes not make a marriage
was it his wife he cheated on.................... or was it in fact a care giver he cheated on
are we to condemn him as a cheater.....or just see him as a human searching for compassion
i can agree with all those that feel the marriage should have ended long ago
it should of ended when the love died....................................but
for some reason.... and for the life of me i can't see why. the op says he loves her... he wants the wife back..... he wants the tenderness back..... he wants the romance back...
and he wants to know HOW HE CAN ACHIEVE IT....... when she will not talk about it...
to him....to a counselor... to anybody...
but yet we hear the word CHEATER and we stone him.... and close our ears to him...
and we close our eyes to him..... and we close our hearts to him
and we go home and call ourselves god fearing
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:55:02 PM | I don't think the OP's returned in a little while but, just tossing this out there, since rampant speculations are abounding. Who's to say that, perhaps the reason the wife doesn't want to discuss any of this with her husband, isn't because she herself has been getting it elsewhere all these years?
See how rampant speculation can snowball?  | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:25:47 PM |
The only problem we really have is romance. She just can show none, wants none and has even said, “It feels like a chore.” We talk about my need for kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. – but it’s really me bringing up the subject and she being silent until the subject can get changed. What could have led to this?
sucks doesn't it? I wanted that too from my partner. I was deprived of kisses, touch, sex....I lacked sex so bad I would get blue clit!!! That ***hole! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:02:58 PM |
perhaps the reason the wife doesn't want to discuss any of this with her husband, isn't because she herself has been getting it elsewhere all these years?
Sweetness,i thought the same thing................................!
She's probably ahead of him in the queue getting a ham sammie herself WITH a side-order of coleslaw..................
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:26:55 PM | OP, I'm going to say something very honest, honest to a fault.
The only problem we really have is romance.
Hello, was that a understatement? You were paralyzed from waist down. What about sex? How did your wife go through so many years without sex? Have you ever offered to give her oral, to help her with her needs, or to order some dildo for her?
OP, you're very selfish. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing. You're a half tomato. Your good wife stayed with you for so many years for the family.
You can't hold your disability over others. You can't emotionally black mail others. If you don't want to be respected like regular folks, you should be held the same responsibility as regular folks.
OP, you're a scam bag just like any cheating person. | |
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