| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:02:39 PM | You both are afraid to let go of the sinking ship, so you can each swim alone to separate shores.
If she can't decide whether or not to stay married...then it means you aren't part of the equation. She doesn't want to be alone. but she isn't willing to pay a price for it, either.
let her make her decisions about what she wants to do when she grows up. if she comes back...she does so with a clear mind.
buuuuttt...you too, need to figure out what's important in life. you need to work on not putting yourself first all the time. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:54:42 PM | I know I ****ed up. It wasnt like I wasnt there for her completely. She has had two nervous breakdowns before, both of which had little to do with me. She has dropped out of school quite a few times, leading to piles of bills, and has quit numerous jobs and made mistakes that have cost us thousands. I was not there for a few month period. I have supported her through all her trials. To those attacking me, please walk a mile in my shoes and see the type of love I have given her for the last four years minus a couple of months. The majority of the time over the last couple of years I have been there for her. I ****ed up once.
She wants to see if her medicine works. She wants to see if we can get our stuff together. She is not just emotionally detached from me, but mostly everything. If I truly love her, why would I give up? Because there is no hope. I do think I am being naive to our situation, but how do you let someone go who is your entire world?
She is the one who wanted to date others. I am doing it as well, and am explaining to everyone my situation. I am just looking for friendship and people to help take my mind off of our situation. I have sacrificed alot for this woman. I moved from my friends, my job and my home to be with her so she can be near her family. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:35:44 PM | Emotional friend? so that's what they're calling it these days. lol
My guess is she's not going to own up to what that "other" relationship really is. It sounds like she wants to keep you around just in case the other relationship doesn't work out, or until she's done "being a kid". The problem is, she's not a kid, and if she wanted to play grown up games by getting married, then she should do the grown up thing and end it. If she wont, then maybe you should think about being the adult in the relationship. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:55:51 AM | | You weren't there for your own wife, why in the world would anyone else want to date you? | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:06:33 AM | | Hurry up and get divorced...i dont think you are that desperate to stay with someone who ...plainly...doesnt want you...but wants you around for the financial security...she is just a kid and knows absolutly nothing about life....the time and effort you sut in to try to force her to want you will eventually destroy you.... | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:56:32 AM | Mike,
Are you okay with the idea of being your wifes backup plan? Her "Plan B?" It sounds like that is what you have become. (To be honest we can only go on what little you've written.)
I would take her idea of wanting to date others to mean that she had already met someone she wanted to date but didn't want to be a "cheater." Now that you've gone along with this, she's free to see this guy and find out if it works out. If not.. hey.. you're around to fall back on, right?
Look at it this way: Do you go shopping for a new car so you can appreciate the car you already own? Or do you shop around to upgrade to what you think is a better car? | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:12:40 AM |
She has gotten to the point where she is absolutely shut down emotionally. She is also spending more and more time at the Fire Department she is a member of. She says she doesnt know if she wants to be married, she says when shes with me she loves me and wants to be with me, but when shes away she has confusion and doubt, and her head is clear that she wants to be a 22 year old girl. She also went to another man for emotional support over this time. He has been there for her, and she does not want to stop talking to him. She thinks he is only there for her support and not after anything else. Well yesterday we made a final decision that we will give her some time to deal with her depression using medicine, and that she will try to figure out what she wants in life. We will stay married and be seperated, and date other people = It's Over
She's already made her decision. She's just trying not to be harsh about it. Hopefully you'll learn something from this experience. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:38:36 AM | Sorry to hear you have such a genuine mess on your hands OP. Your wife is learning the lesson that its a lot different being a loving and faithful spouse as opposed to the idea of playing house she had when she married you at 20. Believe me, I've been there. My advice wouldn't necessarily be to end it right away, but you need to figure out what YOU want, and then commit to that plan of action. Dating other people while being separated from your wife, but agreeing to no sex during the separation is ridiculous. If you want to make it work, make it work. If you want to move on, then move on. Why in the world would anyone else choose to get involved with you and your situation when its so unstable? And would that really be fair to them?
Sounds to me like the wife is blaming much of herself instability on you, and I'm sorry, but her taking anti-depression drugs isn't going to change that belief. Again, I've been there. If she is contemplating a life without you, then you need to let her see what that life will be like by absenting yourself from her issues. Only then will she, and you, figure out what you really want. Good luck! | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:40:21 AM | It sounds to me like she wants out.
She constantly is down at the firehouse, stays the night there, and talks to her emotional friend more then she does me.
Oh man...is that what you like to tell yourself that this guy is; her "emotional friend"? If she is not already nailing this guy, which I'm sure she probably is, she soon will be.
Be a man and have some self respect and pride.
Just move on... | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:21:48 PM | No.. I dont think she is banging him. I know her enough to know she would never do that. Up until this point we have been completely honest and open with each other. We both agreed that if we ever did want to cheat we would break it off immediately with no hard feelings. I know thats weird, but we are/ or we best friends. I wasnt there because I was basically working and going to school. She never told me about her issues in depth and refuses to talk to anyone about them. If she doesnt want to tell me whats going on, and there are no signs that something is wrong... then how in the heck am I supposed to know about them.
I did what I thought was right last night. I asked her to make some concessions with what she was doing in her free time so we could try to work on this. She said no... so I told her she could have her divorce if she didnt want to work on it, and she said if thats the way I feel she will have the papers monday... she told me this over texts, as she was out getting hammered with her friends.
You all can judge me all you want. I am not stupid, I am naive, but not stupid. I know I made mistakes, but the people putting this squarely on my head are ignorant. I was wrong for what I did and tried to make up for it. She has mad no such statements, and instead says she can do what she wants since I did. I know posting about this stuff online is going to get me some crazy responses, but dont dare judge from your moral high horses. None of you are perfect and instead of putting people down you can do something positive and try to offer advice or help. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:51:12 PM | I tried to PM you, but I am too old to, lol. I'm not a fan of sharing details on the www, but I will share this. I was married for 30 years when my marriage broke up. Had he not acted like he did, we would probably still be together. But because he pushed and pushed me hard, too hard and "had to know right now" what was going to happen. We broke up and it had nothing to do with the original problem. It was 100% how he conducted himself that pushed me away.
It costs you nothing to be civil. Go on with your life and who knows, you may not want the marriage to continue. But don't throw it away being a hot head. Remember, you have a choice in this decision, too. | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:15:01 PM | | First of all, sounds like she has some real problems. If she is so depressed that she needs medication, then maybe she needs professional counselling as well, not just a friend. You didn't say how old she is now, but I gather she is an adult, and if she still wants to be 22 yrs old, then it's high time she took a real look at life and grew up. She cannot stay 22 for the rest of her life. She needs to adjust to changes. Sounds like the Fire Dept. guy is just a cop out, and if she is enjoying his company more than yours, then the bells should go off in your head. Maybe she doesn't want to be married because she found this new guy and wants to be free to pursue things with him. I do think she needs to figure out what she needs in her life, but dating other people will not help solve that problem for her or you. She is still your wife, and if you want to make a go at it, she cannot keep spending the nights down at the fire station... you have a right to tell her to move back and either try to make a go of it, or you divorce. I know it hurts, but do you really want to be the hanging husband and play the fool of her spending the night at the fire station with this guy? | |
|
| So what should I do?
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:25:59 PM | I don't know whether this will work. Have you both gone to marriage counselling?
If my husband neglected me to the point where I needed to have another man to give me emotional support, I would say it's done.
I think you both are a habit, being married young....and are both scared to go alone.
Is there any kids in the picture? | |
|
Home
login 
