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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:02:34 PM | I am NO expert, but I tend to think that anyone who has had two failed marriages, may suffer from mixed feelings. Part of them wants the feeling one has when they have someone they like in their life, yet part of them hates the negatives they have known with past relationships and they want to run away.
What they may need is time be it months or a year or more to learn what they need vs just want. Sometimes one needs to heal wounds rather than pick the scab off and make the healing even longer.
~Beth~ | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:17:22 PM |
I am NO expert, but I tend to think that anyone who has had two failed marriages, may suffer from mixed feelings. Part of them wants the feeling one has when they have someone they like in their life, yet part of them hates the negatives they have known with past relationships and they want to run away.
What they may need is time be it months or a year or more to learn what they need vs just want. Sometimes one needs to heal wounds rather than pick the scab off and make the healing even longer.
~Beth~
In other words, they're incapable of enjoying happiness with someone. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:25:31 PM | Well, he said today that I say s.... or f... and it is about intimacy. Told me not to say those things.. He said maybe I need a f... buddy. That hurt... I have never had anyone say that. Rude.
After divulging all this he's in love with me talk, then to pull the rug out hurts. It never ceases to amaze me that someone is soo in love, or professes to be and then says, they can't handle it. I am me, I cant be different. I don't sleep around, I am very particular. If you re into someone, it is also physical... He has some issues.
But, it is affecting me. I am tired of feeling down... It is time to cut my losses, work on things and don't be so open and vulnerable. It took a month, just to have my walls come down, and then he thinks he has me.... Not right! | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:32:35 PM | I don't think that someone who is div 2x necessarily has severe issues. He told me the first date that his ex begged him to marry her and then he lost everything, that she is sick,mental. I am telling you the guy was crazy about me... He does have some duality issues, up and down, hot and cold, judgemental, vacillates. I need stability and someone who is a friend, not so negative and can handle someone being attracted to them mentally, emotionally, physically and in all ways. He is all over me, but then says I shouldnt say se... or the f word... Yet he can say he wants to do all kinds of things to me and that is ok?
He is the one who is going too fast, then he pulls the rug out. I do get it, my gut instincts told me that.
I thank you for your opinions. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:38:01 PM | OK, I hate to be the one to say this but I haven't seen it yet,,,
kick me in the jimmy if you want but,,,
maybe he just saw you as a challenge, made his mark and has his own brand of "fvck off" departure speech???
or
Maybe you're a little too much for him in "that" department and he's afraid of failure, so he's cutting and running,,,
or
maybe he's not quite "through" with someone else yet,,,
This whole thing sucks for you, no doubt,,, but, to have the walls come down so quickly is probably the biggest part to deal with and you might be kicking yourself in the @ss for it,,,
steps to take:
forgive yourself
assess the turning point that could've been prevented
forgive yourself
realize that you're human and made a small misguided mistake
forgive yourself
do not clam up
forgive yourself
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:41:24 PM | NTM: Great Advice (as always)
OP: run .... run as fast as you can .... and then when you are far away ... realize it was only 6 weeks.....  | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:42:41 PM |
I don't think that someone who is div 2x necessarily has severe issues. He told me the first date that his ex begged him to marry her and then he lost everything, that she is sick,mental. I am telling you the guy was crazy about me... He does have some duality issues, up and down, hot and cold, judgemental, vacillates. I need stability and someone who is a friend, not so negative and can handle someone being attracted to them mentally, emotionally, physically and in all ways. He is all over me, but then says I shouldnt say se... or the f word... Yet he can say he wants to do all kinds of things to me and that is ok?
OK, I understand the "F" word but is Se short for just the word Sex?
Now, control seems to be an issue along with a deisre for an angel that will "do" what he wants but can't "want" it like an "unsavory woman" because it may equate a "cheater" in his warped mind,,,
Jeez o petes woman
get the hell away from him,,, he's still messed up on her and you can't fix him,,, | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:43:09 PM | Thanks Michigan.... He wrote me the most intense love letter two days ago, I mean tremendously romantic... Now he is saying I am going to fast and pressuring him.
I havent had a lot of men turn me down. I wasnt offering se.... I simply said, dont you want to ...... He was very turned on, but now says I offended him that that word came out of my mouth?
I am a classy woman, but heck, sometimes when you are all over each other, you get heated... we were in a parking lot, there is no way I wouldve done anything, I told him that.
Forgive myself.... true.... Things were so good until yesterday...
Dont think he is ready.... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:44:55 PM |
NTM: Great Advice (as always)
Then tell me why the hell am I alone
better yet
Why doesn't Oprah take me under her wing?
I can fake an accent like Mr Potatohead
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:45:40 PM | yes, his ex(second) cheated on him. He says he cheated a lot on his first. He seems very insecure, constantly telling me that he is not good enough, essentially for me. I tell him, please stop being so negative and down on yourself.
Yes,I think you are right. sex...
He got off here first, he put me on FB as his lady, he sent flowers, he comes to see me constantly,he wants to move closer to see his kids and I... how am I going too fast? | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:54:58 PM |
I simply said, dont you want to ...... He was very turned on, but now says I offended him that that word came out of my mouth?
WTF...oops I mean What The Heck!
Things were so good until yesterday...
Better to find out yesterday that this guy has "issues" rather than many, many tomorrows from now. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:58:22 PM | Don't take this wrong, just read it through,,,
He's messed up with the cheating thing,,, understand that. Now, with what seemed to be urgency to him expressed by you in a parking lot (which he might see as something cheaters do), the fantasy is sort of ruined,,,
Just understand that he has his own issues and hun, so do you,,,
I am not one to say that the parking lot was inappropriate but for the first time for it to happen yet and if it was suggested to happen there, well,,,
Try not to look at it through your eyes as it pertains to you but, to see it through your eyes pertaining to another "over 45er".
The guy freaked, no doubt and overreacted,,,
-puts my arm around your shoulder like a sister-
I think this is over, no matter what happens from here on out
It's a crappy bunch of circumstances that has hatched this whole thing,,,
he's messed up yet
he has a thing with cheating
he views taudry situations like that (parking lot) as equated to cheating
you were both worked up and you unfortunately blurted something out at the wrong time
(broken record part) learn to read someone first and learn from the mistake (with this guy)
Is it really a mistake?
In this situation, yes,,,
I'm sorry and hope you come through with the smallest of scars
P.S. I believe that you may make one final attempt to explain yourself, please, wear a bullet proof vest because even if he says he wants to try again, he will most likely harbor these pent up feelings for a long time if not forever,,, | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:09:06 PM | It wasnt the first time we both got heated. He is on me constantly, we are attracted to each other. He doesnt like those particular words.
I don't really know him. I thought I did. he does the come hither, then the stop sign(passive aggressive).
I do have things to work on,I know that. Why is it ok for a guy to want you badly and then get offended when a woman expresses that?
You live and learn. How he could absolutely love and adore me and then two days later be so offended puzzles and stings.
I will be ok. Thanks for being gentle...... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:17:04 PM | I told him there is no way I would do it in a parking lot.
He just has a thing about the words....
the semantics..
to say i may be looking for a f... buddy. now that was highly inappropriate...
I am not easy..... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:19:52 PM | Why is it ok for a guy to want you badly and then get offended when a woman expresses that?
Hey sis, it's not OK,,,
I'm saying that for him it's not what he wants,,,
something else for you to think about here,,,
Most could understand him not wanting to hear the word "F",,,
but the word sex?
Unless he only wants to hear it referred to as making love, there may be other underlying problems and you might be dodging as bullet,,,
I'm going back to my corner now,,, | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:21:13 PM | Yeah, some nasty, bitter, cynical people around here. And they wonder why they aren't getting laid or experiencing any affection.
Your man is nuts. Tell him to relax, chill out, and let things progress at the speed at which they will.
Yeah, the div, the graveyard shift work schedule and the sleeping pills are all messing with his head. 7 months is a bit soon after his div to be getting involved with anybody. He should give it at least a year. It's a spiritual death, and he's in recoil mode, constantly thinking about her and second-guessing himself, wondering what he did wrong.
He's ALSO having trouble letting his walls down, which is understandable since his ex-wife took everything. She did a right-good job of tying him up into knots. Assure him that you're not her, and try to get him to relax about everything. Also, assure him that you're in no rush to get him to marry you, simply want to enjoy him day-by-day and take it one day at a time. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:46:25 PM | Some people need to get therapy to better understand why they attract certain people. Like why do some people put up with drama and having horrid things said to them, rather that walk away?
Its like the woman who has a man who beats her and humiliates her and she calls the police or goes on some website and talks about how bad he is and then the next day she wants him back because she lovvvvvves him.
Stop enabling these people who love the drama.
~Beth~ | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:53:56 PM | KPooks, great, sound advice and comments.
I think it is too late. I want someone I can depend on.
I am taking his lead and going fast, because we are very attracted to each other.
He said in the beginning that he wants to go slowly. Then he does the opposite.
His teetering on being madly in love and getting so easily offended, isn't for me.I need someone strong.
It was like love at first sight, almost....?
He was gung ho, now when I say he should be closer to me, he freaks out, when he is the one who suggested it as well. His kids live here.
I think sleep deprivation is also part of the equation.
I will work on my issues, slow down and try not to take it too personally.
It does hurt, rejection in any form. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:59:30 PM | Beth, unless you have been there it is tough to understand. It has nothing to do with race, religion, education, intelligence, looks...
You pray someone will change and their promises sound good, when you think you are in love.You don't treat people you love rude, disrespectfully, or demeaningly.
Personally, I hate drama and walk away from it, which is what I will do in this situation as well. It isnt abusive., this deal.
When someone talks disrespectfully, I will leave.
That's what I am doing... But that doesnt mean I am exempt of faults, or need to learn a lesson, and move on... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:34:08 AM | When my first marriage ended, I'd known for years that it was likely, and the ending was like a prison door opening. The second time it was an affair, his, that did it. I joined a group for those who got left. Their guidelines basically said it'd be five years before I worked it through. Oh no, I groaned, not another five years: *I* will do it quicker. . . . It was five years. . . .
On their map: somewhere between six months and two years there was going to be this period where I was going to try to prove that I was still desirable. . . . Which involved attracting an attractive mate. The more attractive the better. Guess what? Bingo.
OPie, I think you just got steamrollered with his Bingo!
HugZ
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:03:48 AM |
He sent me two dozen roses to my office, wrote me romantic, wonderful things daily.
...
I told him there is no way I would do it in a parking lot.
If he stops sending flowers, he may save up quickly for a better spot than the parking lot. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:18:25 AM | what type of car does he drive?...
from memory...
sex in a car isn't that comfortable...
i wouldn't want him around,
unless you're up for all the drama a relationship with a man like him entails...
he sounds as if he's a control freak,
and an extremely nasty one at that!... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:59:47 AM | BIG RED FLAGS run for the hills, let him take his confusion out on someone else.
Wow - reading the forum through like I always do - typical, seems that there is a half and half vote here, no hunni you are not wrong to be worries about this man, seems like he wants you to be what his two ex's were not and sadly they were BLACK & WHITE which leaves him nowhere to go with a new lady. As for being intimate in a car park ffs what is he, 16? | |
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