| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:16:18 AM | Regardless of reason, or intelligence, or age, most of us have feelings and they can be hurt. When you are harsh, cruel, it doesn't make you attractive to others. You are not a trained counselor so, why is your advice, or opinion the ultimate?
Wonder why you are alone?
Sometimes a sounding board is good, to get various views on something., It is of course one sided, so biased. I tend to think there are still some positive, warm people out there in this world... who care about others.. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:38:54 AM | 75% and rising.. oh heck.. my answer here will reduce it back down to 60%
Look.. while we are on the subject..
Harsh, cruel are two words that could also have substituted for them
Blunt, direct, logical, thinking, honest, just-what-you-need-to-get-your-head-out-of-the-clouds-at-your age, and other terms.
Your FEELINGS based way of being has YOU labeling them with perjoratives.
Go back and take my last bit of advice TO a licensed therapist of YOUR choice. Oh, make it a man too since so MANY current women therapists have been trained within the men-are-bad-militancy of the feminist movent.
See what HE has to say.. Oh.. make sure you pay him for his time.
NO ONE can hurt YOUR feelings. You ALLOW your feelings to enter into the equation.
Someone can call me a name.. I CHOOSE how to react to it. MY feelings are MY responsiblity.
Now onto your wrong assumptions. You dont know WHAT I am. Trained or not.. PHD'd or not. You dont know.
MY opinion is the ultimate because I BELIEVE it to be so.
Then the wrongly assumed fact about me being alone. Who says I am?
Finally.. that warm-fuzzy feelings based world you have been living in all your life.. has gotten you right into the pickle you posted on here.
How's that workin for ya? | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:59:41 AM | 1kindman4u...Shame on you for flaming the OP to prove yourself correct...
You are doing the one thing that so many on the forums do...you are wanting someone to handle their life the way you do...the OP isnt capable of living her life as you think she should ...she has to be true to herself...the whole "just-what-you-need-to-get-your-head-out-of-the-clouds-at-your-age" speech is meaningless cause she hasnt lead your life and doesnt have the experience, so you are assuming she at her age has the same life experiences you have???
She allowed her feelings to enter in to this based on the fact that is what she is on here to do...to find someone to FEEL for. She met a man who was treating her better than she had imagined and that magnified her emotions...her feelings, and then she found out that he was not as mentally balanced as he orginially showed. My ex was bi-polar and he was on the who's who's in high school and college so yea he had sane days that made him to me one of the most wonderful men alive...
So we have two options...we can be jaded and untrusting and hold up hoops that we expect members of the opposite sex to jump thru to prove that they arent the one with the issue (hoping that someone sees the humor in that line!)
Or we can be who we are and live our life and when we fall down we get back up with the help of others, brush ourselves off and move forward...still being who we are and realizing that it is wrong to judge the next person based on the actions of the last person.
I personally would much rather be warm and fuzzy feeling to cold and jaded 
How is all this wonderful advice warming that bed of yours? | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:13:38 AM | | Saphhire, you are warm and still give great sound advice. If kindman is so kind and omniscient, why is he in pof jail??? | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:16:54 AM | Saphire-
First off.. I am NOT doing this silly term "flaming" I am answering the posting questions of someone seeking OTHER's opinions. Obviously SHE is unhappy with HER choices and their outcomes. SHE came on here seeking advice about HER CHOICES. I and others are giving her that. We may or may NOT be telling her what she WANTS to hear.. but just maybe what she NEEDS to hear.
Calling a spade a spade is just speaking a truth. You are correct in something you said.. "The OP isnt capable of living her life as I think she should" I happen to believe that everyone SHOULD live a fulfilling life and cast off idiocy, immaturity, and all that comes with that as one moves forward into an ADULT fulfilled life.
Charlie Manson was "true to himself" So was Jim Jones. And if Neville Chamberlain had NOT let Adolf be "true to himself" we could have avoided a world war.
No.. obviously she HASNT even had a smidgen of my life experiences.. or she wouldnt have been here posting what she did in the first place.
You DID make one true statement.. I'll capitalize the keywords
"She ALLOWED her feelings to enter in to this based on the fact that is what she is on here to do...to find someone to FEEL for."
HER feelings felt what they felt.. because she CHOSE to feel that way. NOT because of anything that anyone else did.
Now you seem to be typical with your next descriptive term
"we can be jaded and untrusting"
Versus what exactly?? Immature and foolish? Remember, the opposite of love is NOT hate. Your statement seems to be throwing a barb my way about ME being jaded and untrusting. That wrong assumption couldnt be farther from the truth
Then you say:
"Or we can be who we are and live our life and when we fall down we get back up with the help of others, brush ourselves off and move forward...still being who we are"
Right.. spend a life continuously falling down over and over and over.
Which is what people DO.. especially when others "help that person get back up" but DONT TEACH THEM NEW WAYS TO DO THINGS.. but instead ENABLE them to keep on being stupid, NOT watching where they are going.. and allowing them to continue to fall down over and over and over
You also said:
"I personally would much rather be warm and fuzzy feeling to cold and jaded"
There are other options to the above sentence..
You can give a man a fish.. but he'd rather have a boat with new fishing gear.
Finally:
"How is all this wonderful advice warming that bed of yours?"
Quite wonderfully actually. It also compensates me for the heater, the bed, and ALL my lifestyle. Thanks for asking. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:45:10 AM |
But.. the SEER in me has a prediction..
There will be at LEAST 30 more posts on this thread.. with a 5th of them being from YOU. and probably within the next 48 to 72 hours
That was the flaming I was talking about...we all know that a wounded woman will lash out and so you set this up to egg her on to feel vindicated that once again you know how to manlipulate women for your own enjoyment...admit it now you are getting a chuckle out of all of this....
I have read your post and you are pretty much right about alot of what you say...however you say it in a way to get attention and to rile up people vs allowing the truth of your words to speak for themselves...you are missing a key thing...tact
My grandfather said that tact is the ability to tell a man to go to hell and make him feel happy to be on his way.
Now about what you said back:
HER feelings felt what they felt.. because she CHOSE to feel that way. NOT because of anything that anyone else did.
That isnt entirely true, she felt about him based on his actions to that point...she didnt ask him to overwhelm her by all the attention to start with it was freely given, but when she was being who she is to him...he flips out and wants her to be who he wants her to be...there are many out there like that...they want to try and make someone FIT them by being nice to obligate them into it..or manlipulate. So while she did feel for him it was based on his actions to that point...once she saw who he really was and how he was both mentally unbalanced and manlipulate and controlling...she was upset about the change in his behavior. You men would relate it to a girl who before you marry her she gives the best blow jobs and then once you are married the only thing you get is your own hand jobs! It is called bait and switch...:P (OP, I am not referring to you as that type of girl!).
As far as falling down over and over...tis my life to live and while I will be the first to say I have made a ton of mistakes...god have I ever lived with passion! I think everyone that offered positive advice was helping her. I dont see where we are enabling her to keep on being stupid...she is being human, and I am sure she has learned alot about life from this. Will she make more mistakes...god yes! Wont we all but it is based on HOPE....yes another one of those warm fuzzy words..hope...I think so many are HOPING to find someone that we try to make relationships work when if we objectively thought about it they might not...but then one or two will and then ...others get more HOPE!
Yes you can give a man a cold fish ...or a boat with new fishing gear but that doesnt mean he will ever catch a keeper...you keep doing things by the book, that practical advice that says that all the I are dotted and T crossed or the person isnt the quality you want in your life. Ill keep having fun with the bottom feeders who have had real life experience in living vs writing about it.
Op he is in pof jail cause he wrote to someone wanting an intimate encounter and that will eliminate him from alot of contacts..also means he has what he considers a valid reason for asking the woman to make the first move ...most men just delete the profile and make a new one once they figure out that most women are going to frown on what he did...he is just showing his human side and being honest about what he did :smirk: | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:55:05 PM | CS, it will help you if you block his text messages.
don't let him continue to try to manipulate you. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:32:34 PM | op,
sounds like it was a real whirlwind romance...very heady stuff....but if he's pulling back, it's not really there for him. if it's not too soon for you, why would it be too soon for him? I suppose a recent divorce could muddy it a bit, but even considering that, if he's that into you, he'll find a way back to your heart.
the other thing is: it sounds like he got caught up in his own heady feelings temporarily. like a kid with a toy. it's all fun and exciting, but once the initial thrill wears off, then you come back down to earth. it's a bit irresponsible, so maybe he's not the guy you really should be with for the long term.
btw, the "Maybe I am not what you are looking for." is very classic. very frequently used when people want to cut the ties. they don't want to take emotional responsibility, so they turn it...basically, an excuse. very confusing when you're caught up in it.
just let him go...see if he comes back...he will if he's into you...if he doesn't come back, then you'll know. time will tell. meanwhile, try to focus on other aspects of your life (not so easy to execute, but you have to try...) best. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:09:34 PM | | 1KindMan4U Some people need drama. It's like a drug. In my family we dont feed the squirrels because its enabling. ~Beth~ | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:28:35 PM | fyrspyrit said:
Read about narcissistic personality disorder.
OP, i agree with this quote. IMHO, that much confusion as you describe in a relationship is not normal. my advice: take care, it can be addictive, the problem solving, trying to figure it out.
maybe it's something else, could be a lot of things, but just saying. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:27:04 AM | OP, why are you letting him call the shots and the timeframe? take back your life and don't give it away so quickly the next time, especially to a recent divorcee with sleep issues.
do "you" want to go fast? if so, you will more often than not, come to a screeching halt after the roses wear thin. the man is a wreck, as you describe him. if it's the flowers, then buy yourself a bouquet and get real. the old bonding hormone and the 40's is the worst for women. it's hard to think clearly and with the "big head"!
i just met a great guy who also said on his profile that he wanted to go slow and then he started going fast. i simply pointed out that i liked his first idea better. he's now slowed and "slowly" we are getting to know each other. in fact, i think, he's kind of liking the slow part. there are many great things, that one can do S L O W L Y.........and surely!
ps my walls are always down, unless an intruder barges in. then i either run him off, or else (if needs be), i stand tall and defend myself!
now, if by walls you are saying you slept with him, just forgive yourself, learn the lesson and move on. if this has totally devasted you, then never sleep with anyone again. (just kidding). you're a big girl. act like one and take back your soul. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:24:30 AM | Whenever you have had enough pain....you will change.
Actually if you put the focus on yourself....and take it off him you will see your behavior in this mess. And it will take the focus off him. This sounds more like a addiction than a relationship....and yes we can become addicted to people.
You have to remember what he says isn't true or untrue it is his feelings....it isn't a fact. So what he thinks about you isn't fact. Unless your allowing yourself to believe it. But taking the focus off him and looking at only your behavior will stop this craziness that your...your...your allowing him to do. If you had really not wanted to hear from him you would have blocked his phone calls and not replied to anything he is saying or doing. Your allowing your feelings to be hurt.....you can change that. Stop the insanity and put the focus back on yourself or you will end up having many more relationships just like this one.
I move slow. Because I know that whenever I meet someone and have that instant chemistry that it means trouble. If I allow them to be my every thought then it is a addiction not a relationship. So put the focus back on you. You are responsible for your thoughts and behavior. Your thoughts can be changed. What others think about me is none of my business....What I think about them and myself is...... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:34:47 PM | I agree, it is easy to condemn yourelf. I do have the same patterns with most. When there is chemistry it is tough to slow down. With this guy,He rushed things, he was quick to let the world know we were exclusive, like"I got off the site, you do what you want." Or, "I listed us in a relationship(FB), if you don't want to say it is with me, change it, it is ok." He spent weekends with me, drove out here, not me...
I fell for who I thought he was and how he adored me and sent me letters of undying love. I knew it was too fast, my gut told me that. The fact that he so abruptly ended things and said he couldn't be hurt again, after his ex. that surprised me and hurt, yes. Suddenly in two days, he didn't like much about me. So, I didn't beg him back, I never will. I have moved on. There is no figuring someone out. He felt pressured, and his ex did that.
We texted for 2 hrs. He vacillates. He is moody. I am done and I meant it.
He ended up saying something mean, then I fired back that I wouldn't deal with name calling and he said, "you are right it's me, I am a mess." I love you but we are too different. I am not good enough for you." To.."I miss u." I never responded after that.
I hope he enjoys his time on here, and thinking he is in control.
Been there, done that. People don't meet our expectations, the niceness wears off quickly and the real person shines through.
There are still good people out there. I refuse to be jaded or cynical.
We take responsibilities for where we went wrong, dust ourselves off and learn something. I wish I had never met him to be honest.
Oh well.... I will focus on others things in life, the positive, fruitful things,... My blessings. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:54:15 PM |
People don't meet our expectations, the niceness wears off quickly and the real person shines through.
Great wisdom in that statement that if we dont meet someone else's expectations then we get to see who they really are...it is a hard lesson to learn. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:29:36 PM | Sapphire... Thanks for your words of wisdom.
I like your profile on here.
Anyway, I am an educated woman, so one person's "logic" who doesn't know me really doesn't have a bearing on anything, he is obviously miserable, and loves distributing manure and gloom....
I think what I have learned from this is.... When someone tells you that they want to go slow and they are so bitter about their ex. BEWARE. Regardless of their actions if they are contradictive. You can't know a person in a few weeks.
I would not be with someone who can so abruptly turn on you like a vicious dog. Trust and reliance takes time.... | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:11:34 PM | Let's review
92 total posts
33 of them were of origination and/or followup to the original post in defense of the quandry and the choices already made the last post wound up AGREEING with the 4-post truths and acted on them as advised.
4 were honest, direct, blunt but counter to the method of thinking behind the original issue
46 basically supported the advice/opinion/viewpoint of the presenter of those 4 countering views (the guy in the OP's issue WAS a headcase
leaving 8 semi-neutral cheering sideliners with no opinion..
And the end result was to DO what that countering presenter said SHOULD be done
And WHO was the distributor of all this manure?
It doesnt pass the smell test, frankly.. I cant wait for the next trauma/drama report
Hilarious.. totally hilarious What's that saying? TRUTH will out. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:21:55 PM | His vacillation is what confuses me, it torments me.
Why would you spend one more minute even considering being with such a yo yo? Do you honestly think he will get any better? If you think he's weird now, just wait until you move in together. Holy cow. Ditch him now and don't look back. Let him be somebody else's problem. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:42:16 PM |
OPie ~~ You've identified passive/aggressive. . . . *That* would be enough for me. ... You've only six weeks invested in this...let it go; doesn't sound like he's remotely ready. And if he were ready, he's still a nasty piece of chit.
Take a drive, play your favorite music, drink a little wine at one of your gorgeous beaches, and think if *this* is really the best you can do. Betcha a dime to a dollar that you figure out, all on your own, that it's not. Not by a long shot.
Excellent post. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. After only six weeks and all this angst? Nope. You can and will do better.  | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:45:25 PM | | If you see a pattern in past relationships then its you with the problem...your picking them. I am not trying to be hurtful or mean. But someone like myself understands this behavior. A broken picker....the broken picker can be fixed. But you have to fix it yourself....the right one will be along again....and it will be like the previous one's before unless you do something to fix your broken picker. This is why I take my time getting to know someone. It takes time. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes expecting different results....but pain is a the best motivator for anyone. Whenever you have had enough pain you get busy with fixing the problems....within yourself. There are professional counselors...12 step groups that help with putting the focus on yourself and letting go of the pain....I wish you much peace | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:20:34 PM | ClassySwede, sounds like the guy is in love with love.
abit needy...needing someone in his life, but clueless how to be in a relationship with someone. I can understand the attraction and potential you saw in him. Takes time to know if someone is relationship material. You can't be faulted for who you choose to date. Only for who you choose to keep. Since you threw this fish back, folks should chill on that.
Being single is like being lost in a desert. Any oasis you stumble on is golden.
But sometimes we just need to get a drink of water and move on.
Sounds like you are.
Whatever you liked in that guy, the next guy will have it in spades. (minus the craziness)
And your experience with this one will make you more savvy with the next.
Good luck. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:11:48 PM | | Sounds to me like he liked the chase,the trying to win you. Now that it appears he has succeeded the interest wanes. Divorced just 7 mos.? I hate to say it but it sounds like he's rebounding and you're the first ball coming off the rim. Cut your losses and let him move on to the next one,there will be more for him I assure you. | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:58:45 PM | you've heard from the women, several of the men who were honest and not bitter or forcing what happened in their lives onto you. i think "stray cat" has summed the situation up real well. he also has a life and doesn't need to prey on yours. i always get perspective from my male buddies and vice versa. some of this could happen to either sex.
i personally have learned a lot since my divorce. never even suspected any of this "stuff" i've encountered in the singles scene. nor did i know how "nuts" i was when it came to understanding everyday reality. but, i was a fast learner and now i consider myself pretty saavy. many of us have never developed "pickers" until very recently.
as long as we each learn from our encounters, our own actions in these encounters and that things take time, no matter how efficient or ga ga our hormones have us-- the more we settle down and trust that it WILL happen--but, only when the universe is ready. no reason to keep pushing the square peg into the round hole! ahem, not literally mind you.  | |
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| Letting the walls down
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:42:56 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My picker is way better then it use to be...
I take my time...people tell you everything if given enough time.
I don't look at their red flags.....or behavior. I look at my thoughts, behavior and attitude....I now look and see where they are placed in my life.....and it should mesh into the background or is it every second of my waking day being obsessed to the point that I am miserable? Does I try to out think or out maneuver their every move? Do I punish them whenever they don't live up to my expectations? Am I disappointed in their behavior and attitude constantly because they aren't living up to my standards? Do I try to fix everything for them? Do I think I can save them? Do I constantly talk about their faults? Is this a healthy relationship?
Whenever I take the focus off myself and constantly critique someone else's behavior and I am constantly finding fault with them......I am usually mirroring that person in every way. Which means my behavior is just as bad as theirs. I am not saying this man is right or wrong. Its our choice who we pick. Also people in these kinds of relationships use the push pull technique....they push away and pull them back in....but I have done the very same things...not just them.
Being aware of your thoughts, feelings, attitude and behavior will stop this. There are tools available to everyone. I have found in my life this is a big pattern for myself. And so have a lot of people. Whenever I went back and found my part in each relationship I had I was honestly mortified. Mine was a learned behavior....but what I learn can certainly be unlearned. I want a healthy, happy partner. I was very controlling to the point I suffocated everyone around me. I thought I knew everything and what was best for everyone....so I keep it simple. I don't need to fix or punish those around me that have different thoughts. I don't have to tell them their wrong nor do I have to be right. I can allow another person to have their thoughts, feeling and own attitude without getting caught up in it. Just as I am allowed to have my own. It has taken a zillion years to get to this point. And yes I also learned this later in life. I have learned this through generations in my family. And have seen the effects of this behavior on many extended family members. But I have changed the cycle in my own little family including my Daughter....we also teach our children how to do this....and that is a very sad thing to pass this trait on to others. Regardless whether you feel this is pattern in your life or not....e | |
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