| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:35:41 PM | Ok I like your thought process or at least your reasoning regarding peoples intent on looking for faults to exclude someone more than the alternative. However I do not think this methodology is restricted to coffee dates. Those I tend to think are intended to measure chemistry which is often non-verbal and only measurable in person. I also agree a coffee date does not mean such a date must be kept short and either party can easily make it clear they would like it to last longer if they had a prior engagement such as returning to work or something. I think some are more likely to be hesitant than others to express their interest at this point which is foolish.
I certainly do have this problem, if you enjoyed the conversation and got the impression the other party did too, then speak up!
Why do you think a longer date is more likely to make you or them more or less uncomfortable. There is always the possibility that "getting to know someone" can alter your perception or first impression but often those situations actually require meeting that person on numerous occasions and are often not as dates but happen because you know the person through a different connection which just happens to bring you together enough times for a change in attitude.
The problem with "first impressions" steam from a lack of understanding where people tend to forget they know very little about the person their passing judgment thus the impressions are based in their own views or ideas rather than producing an accurate image of the person judged.
For example, everyone has a bad day and often when mad will say something often out of character as a result. We have all done this.
Would you want to be graded on this day as a person? Granted this is an over simplification of a complex issue. I just feel most people forget to consider their own hang ups and how they may be distorting their views of other people more than the other person's actions or words is leading them to those conclusions. Over Coffee!
I think at coffee if you fairly certain you will not get buried in the back yard (in other words the person does not just creep you out) and the other party looked like the picture they sent! You should relax about making quick judgments and see what happens. Doing this does not require heavy balls and special shoes. Coffee or tea can achieve the same results with the right frame of mind.
I also think coffee dates are in fact more personal conversation time (drinks are ok too, but often noisy locations). I also do not think they are limited to less articulate people! I can manage to write more than enough to engage in conversation online even with people I would not want to share oxygen but there is a considerable difference in the written word and the chemistry two people have when they meet. You may hate me for my words but love and find me to be a very differently in person than you expected. This can of course go in the other direction as well but my point is people forget just how much their own interpretations or feelings go into their opinions about what they read or see which may or may not be an accurate intention of the author or person being judged as much as the person doing the judging. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:39:11 PM | LOL obviously it wasn't starbucks. LOL
I did say the right frame of mind is required for any date, regardless of venue.
Jaded is not one i would recommend for dates. Just sayin. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:42:05 PM | Dahlin,
Watch you mouth !!!! If a man can afford to take you for a coffee date be graciously thankful... Your posed is dumber than a coffee date loozers, you look like you are gonna make a poo poo...
And one thing more ,Dahlin no decent man will take you to a 5 stars restaurant with nice setting,good table manners with your post and posed...
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:01:48 PM | | Coffee dates are perfect for those of who have little free time. Neither party feels obligated, no one feels "used", and the door is open if it goes well. Particularly for those who meet via this medium, it is a great way to see what the other is like. When you think about it, how much time do you spend with someone the first time you meet them, say, in a club, at a seminar, etc. before you agree to go on a "real" date? It seems a good way to "feel someone out", if you ask me. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:40:42 PM |
... but since it was already predetermined to be a short period of time, does it make you seem the less interested party if you say... end it around the time you thought it was going to end because you had something to do?
I think we can be charitable about ending any first date for something we have to do. I once I spent ten days of back and forth emails with a guy from a personal ad and was very happy when he suggested a day for lunch. He was a shift worker scheduled for 3-11pm that evening. Yes he had to look at his watch a bit and get away by 2:15 ... but the fact that we were happily talking long enough to stretch lunch that long from 12:30 told me a lot about how much we were going to like getting together again. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:02:18 PM | | It's the way I like to get things started. I like to meet and chat in the light with a clear head and see how things go first. I enjoy dating very much, however, I'm pretty careful who I get all personal with and have a drink with. You never can tell how things will go. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:03:32 PM | OP: I had a very nice coffee date just this afternoon (and I've only been on POF for a week!) 
We sat and talked for an hour, made plans for another date, and it ended with a warm hug. (I'm still grinning from ear to ear!) The date ended because it felt natural to end when it did, not because of any predetermined deadline.
The key, I think, is to be in the moment, and not over-analyze the situation. I haven't been on the dating scene for nearly 20 years, and was scared out of my wits beforehand; but my conversational skills are still pretty good--by which, mostly, I mean my ability to listen and ask good, interesting leading questions. The date might have ended much sooner otherwise.
While we certainly were both taking mental notes about each other, I don't believe we were being hyper-critical or probing for flaws; we were looking for positive things, things we could like about each other, and we were having fun without talking about the "process" of the date itself
One of the nice things about this sort of date is that it tends to keep unrealistic expectations in check.
Gentle Bard | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:39:08 AM |
in my opinion, coffee dates r 4 loozers ! hey - if the guy is sooo cheep-cheep ass, then why even spring 4 coffee ? just meet 4 a max of 45 seconds, and if you still like each other ( chemistry and attraction are obvious in 30 sec btw ) then go do somethin fun and let him make u feel special or dont waste either one's time !
me , personally i like 2 watch someone's table manners and general demeanor in a restaurant setting. if they slurp, lick their fingers, get food all over themselves, it tells me they got the mental capacity of a 5 year old ! and that you'll be sorry if u end up w/ them and yall ever get invited to somethin like a wedding, God forbid
OMG I have heard it all.............HA HA HA HA HA I can't stop flipping laughing at this response woooo weeeeee.... Thank YOU I seriously needed that laugh.....
Here is some advice = Something is spelt with a G on the end, loser is spelled with one O not 2 and an S not a Z, unless you are trying to spell LOOSER and the definition of LOOSER is someone who can't spell......... 
You want to judge a man's MENTAL CAPACITY by how he eats??? And this coming from someone who is by definition a LOOSER and uses red neck slang words like: YALL?????
Good luck with all that...........OMG | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:51:10 AM | LOL, what she said covers this girl's response really well!
However I would add it sounded like she would need to bring a calculator to the date. For someone who does not sound like they could make change for a dollar how else was she going to figure out the financial gain of her dates. My suggestion would be for her to invest a little in her own education rather than expect to live off mine! I do not date free loaders and sloths or generally people without class. However I seriously doubt she would want to compare financial statements either. I have a hard time believing she would measure up under her own terms. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:53:00 AM |
i feel u, girl. coffee dates are dumb, but thankfully : i'm sooo picky that the men i date if they DID Suggest it, *and they almost never do *, but if so, then i'd balk and they'd quickly offer up a much better alternative.
in my opinion, coffee dates r 4 loozers ! hey - if the guy is sooo cheep-cheep ass, then why even spring 4 coffee ? just meet 4 a max of 45 seconds, and if you still like each other ( chemistry and attraction are obvious in 30 sec btw ) then go do somethin fun and let him make u feel special or dont waste either one's time !
And thankfully the coffee date weeds out the people like you.
OP, I think it is more your attitude than the coffee. First dates are strictly to determine if you want a second date with that person so most people are scrutinizing the other. I am sure you do it as well. I do not know what your definition of success is but I have had coffee dates last for hours. One in particular started with coffee, went on to a wine tasting followed by a late lunch. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:59:15 AM | Define success in the coffee date scenario. You go in, buy coffee, drink it. That is success. Failure would be if they refused you service, you spilled your coffee, burned your tongue, or fell and broke your neck trying to sit down at a table.
If romance happens in the course of coffee drinking success, you got lucky. If it doesn't, nothing can rob you of your beverage triumph. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:12:28 AM | | You said it, ooobaby! This post (and her profile) screams (in very poorly written terms) that she is only looking for nothing but someone who is going support her and spend money on her. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:41:36 AM |
Is it even possible to have a successful coffee date? Yes, it's actually quite simple. You meet, order your coffee, add the cream and sugar if desired, imbibe... voila, a successful coffee date.
Seriously... you normally set up a timeline in advance and stick to it... though I will admit that I had one coffee date where it lasted for eight hours, ended with dinner and he is now a great friend of mine.  | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:08:16 PM | | I've had several successful coffee dates. There have been a few that lasted 8, 9 hours. A date is "real" if you decide to consider it as such. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:19:27 PM |
Define success in the coffee date scenario. You go in, buy coffee, drink it. That is success. Failure would be if they refused you service, you spilled your coffee, burned your tongue, or fell and broke your neck trying to sit down at a table.
If romance happens in the course of coffee drinking success, you got lucky. If it doesn't, nothing can rob you of your beverage triumph.
Believe it or not even though this is said in jest, it's how I look at it. Nothing I do is unsuccessful - because of the focus of the event. If it's the guy - yeah it could go either way. If it's for the coffee and the guy happens to be there at the same time, there's never a lack of success (unless the place is closed, and then you can always look for another place).
Any meets I set up I do set a predetermined time frame, and I make sure it's not somewhere I wouldn't go alone anyway - a person meeting me there is simply along for the ride of a thing I was already doing. If they enhance that experience, then it's a bonus. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:28:36 PM |
if we dont have a connection. I want my coffee back. Starbucks is not cheap. LOL
Ok, here you go ...
*urinates in cup* | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:39:36 PM | Perhaps you elicit a lot of anger because that's what you put out. The way you expressed your opinion on this reveals that if someone doesn't think exactly what you do, you resort to swearing and labelling the person. A pretty negative place to be, in my opinion.
Judith | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:49:02 PM | I don't really consider meeting for the first time over coffee or a drink as a "date". I look at it as just a meeting. If we like each other enough to want to spend more time getting to know each other - whether on another day, or just turning the meeting into a longer experience - then that's a "date".
I've had very successful meetings-turned-into-dates, and some that had me feeling like I should have bolted after five minutes. Unless the guy became rude or profane, I always finish my drink before leaving, just to be polite. There's no harm in being civil. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:26:07 PM | I agree with Woman in Progress. It depends on your definition of a successful meeting. If I meet someone and we both like each other and want to get together again I see it as a success. If we meet each other and one, the other or both of us don't care to pursue another meeting than this too is a success.
Wasting a couple of hours at home after a short meeting beats spending countless hours emailing and talking on the phone with someone you will not end up dating. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:32:57 PM | I don't look at it as a date...it's an opportunity to meet someone in a public place to see if there is a connection. If there isn't a connection no big deal, if there is you have a chance to continue and it might become a date or at least a chance to set up a date for future.
First meets I usually go dutch. No expectations on who pays, even if it turns into a date I would be prepared to pay my half. Ideally though I like a happy hour meet, seems more relaxed and you are already in a venue that makes it easy to extend the meet into the first date. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:42:20 AM | >>>>>..then he gave me a hug , Idid not mind his unwash smell .. And he was the best date I 've ever had for a while.....
that was good...on one hand Ifeel sorry for you if that WAS THE BEST DATE..
on the other hand you sound fun to get to know.. kind and generous | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:22:03 AM | I think the idea is to have the first meet be casual and inexpensive. That way, if he/she looks 40 years older and 150 lbs larger than their pic, you haven't wasted time or money. I've never felt "interviewy" on these meets, however, and almost always had a good time. I left the timing open-ended, and several times continued with a walk in the park, visiting a street fair, or browsing in a bookstore.
I also like meeting for happy hour. Again, cheap and casual, and if things go well, you can have some dinner, or do some karaoke, or both (depending upon state of inebriation) | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:57:30 PM |
Okay, I've been mulling this over a while and I wonder... Ah but no thread search, eh? Didn't mull it over long enough, LOL. This is a redundant topic.
Is it even possible to have a successful coffee date? I suppose so, but I think you are referring to coffee meets, not dates per se. Every coffee meet I've had was successful. Successful in the sense that it was a quick inexpensive way to discover if we had any potential chemistry or not.
but since it was already predetermined to be a short period of time, does it make you seem the less interested party if you say... end it around the time you thought it was going to end because you had something to do? Geez my life is kinda uncomplicated; I plan the coffee meets so that if I am genuinely attracted to the lady, I invite her to do something that same evening. That way she gets to recognize my interest. I'm left to figure out if she says "no but sure, in the future", if she's being honest or just trying to spare my feelings.
The coffee date is an acknowledgement that you are basically there to scrutinize each other for any potential 'red flags' or 'pitfalls' prior to actually spending the time and money on a real date. Not for me; I like to see if the lady didn't grossly misrepresent herself on her profile. I wouldn't choose to meet someone who didn't seem to be attractive to me on her profile; has nothing really to do with "red flags", "pitfalls", "little time/money investment", or lack of desire to go on "real dates".
I'm almost wanting to go on real date (where I pay my share) but going to do something FUN I do too; only with people I know a bit better. There just is too damn much anonymity and false representation of folks on these dating sites; I've gone on half a dozen bad "internet first dates" to realize it's better to plan first meets. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:11:40 PM | i feel u, girl. coffee dates are dumb, but thankfully : i'm sooo picky that the men i date if they DID Suggest it, *and they almost never do *, but if so, then i'd balk and they'd quickly offer up a much better alternative.
in my opinion, coffee dates r 4 loozers ! hey - if the guy is sooo cheep-cheep ass, then why even spring 4 coffee ? just meet 4 a max of 45 seconds, and if you still like each other ( chemistry and attraction are obvious in 30 sec btw ) then go do somethin fun and let him make u feel special or dont waste either one's time !
me , personally i like 2 watch someone's table manners and general demeanor in a restaurant setting. if they slurp, lick their fingers, get food all over themselves, it tells me they got the mental capacity of a 5 year old ! and that you'll be sorry if u end up w/ them and yall ever get invited to somethin like a wedding, God forbid
Huh? 
OP: I had a great coffee date which then lead to dinner and drinks (it didn't lead to something concrete, but it was a good time nonetheless). I don't have such a busy agenda where if we want to extend our coffee date I can't do so that same day. If things don't work out, there is plenty to do. | |
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