| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:23:09 PM | You are an example of what I've said in other posts of women who dont really want to meet men.. but BELIEVE they are being "out there" by posting on a site.. and then chatting.
You women should STOP watching those harlequin/hollywood VERSION of what a man is NOT. Just stop it.
I notice your "inner beauty" comment. that is CODE for fat women who want men to DENY that what they SEE is tied directly to their ability to get EXCITED by a woman.
Beauty MAY be only skin deep.
ATTRACTION is with the eyes. Our EYES tell us if we'll need three more beers OR a viagra.
Your whole post is that fantasy that women have. You are much too old to continue to believe it. Is it GETTING you the male attention you want? Are you IN the relationship you desire by chatting? Are you getting all the male attention you desire CHATTING? what about sex?? are you getting all the orgasms you want while chatting?
Keep chatting.. cause your computer is DYING to get naked with you in bed each night. It SEES your inner beauty | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:05:50 AM | ^^^^^^That's a bit harsh don't you think?
OP I understand where you're coming from because I used to feel the same way until I started chatting with some guys and thinking I knew how great they were (with an image in my mind) and then I agreed to meet up. Most of the time they didn't look anything like their photos but worse one guy was very overweight which never came up. His photos showed his face and I just never thought to ask.
So personally I am now sick and tired of the "getting to know each other" and chatting for weeks only to find out I am not even interested in him or vice versa.
It may seem shallow to you, as it did to me at first, but you can talk to someone on here for a month and the fact is they could feed you all sorts of lies (just read the forums to see what I mean) so in the end you don't really know them at all. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:59:58 AM | So personally I am now sick and tired of the "getting to know each other" and chatting for weeks only to find out I am not even interested in him or vice versa.
That's exactly how I feel..Replace the word "HIM" with "HER", of course..
What is so wrong with this? Inner beauty my a$$. Yeah, that important to, but let's face it if you have a third degree burn on your face, it doesn't matter how beautiful you are on the inside..Well, maybe in the movies that happens..Beauty and the beast, don't happen in real life..Unless you filthy rich..
I bet Anna Nicole Smith saw a real inner beauty in that old man she married, she didn't see the money he had..Sure..
It may seem shallow
You know I am sick of hearing that too..I don'think it's shallow, but if it is count me in as being shallow, if I want to meet you to see if we like each other physical appearance.
And another thing..A few times I heard I look better in person than in my pictures..
White lie? Maybe..LOL
Anyway, I am sure I am not the only one who looks better in person than in his/her picture. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:01:19 AM |
You guys should watch that movie with Mel Gibson, "What Women Want".......Chat and see the inner beauty.
Men know what women want... we just don't care...
When women know what men really want, then we might try caring.... | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:12:08 AM | | I am absolutely incapable of discerning what a person is really like by staring intently at a computer screen. I must meet them in person and look them in the eye. Therefore, I move as quickly as possible to a coffee date. No point in wasting his time or mine on interminable emails that mean nothing and go nowhere. If we click, great, if not, no harm done, it was nice to meet you, bye bye. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:30:19 AM | What the Op is asking is why can't men be more like women...indeed there are some women who think a man is at his best when he is most like a woman...men and women are different,not better or worse just different..if most men don't have a physical attraction for a woman based on their personal standards and preferences nothing else matters...the same can be said for most women.
I sometimes wonder if people who complain about no email responses or a lack of interest from the opposite sex realize the message they are sending about themselves,if they did they wouldn't do it. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:21:25 PM | Loki-Sue (OP),
You think you're ugly, that's why you're scared to meet. But how ugly you find yourself to be is actually a moot point, because....
... looks matter whether you like it or not. Period. It's not superficial, it's natural. If looks don't matter, then someone is looking for companionship and have tuned themselves out of real attraction. No, looks aren't everything... but neither is personality.
It isn't about love at first sight. I don't believe in that either. However, there is attraction at first sight... and REAL attraction requires sight. And there is no such thing as love at first email, chat, phone convo, etc. Pictures? It's like what you see on the menu, but you're not having dinner staring at the menu. You need it face to face.
If you want to go around pen-paling, you do deserve to be flamed and scoffed at by guys on a dating site TO MEET people if they live within reasonable distance. Folks wanting to do the pen-paling gig (with the thought of MAYBE meeting someone at SOME point, if-this-if-that) shows insecurity and emotional issues. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:02:48 PM | | While you may not believe in love at first sight, if you have been on these forums for any length of time you will have read about the "chemistry" or the "Spark" that some women make such a big deal over. Call it what you want but this is that love at first sight thing, and if a woman thinks that is the most important thing then meeting quickly seems prudent. Why invest a lot of time getting to know someone, if at the first meet there is no "spark" and game over. So great if you don't believe in that spark or chemistry thing then take your time, but if you are all about getting the hots for a guy at first meet then don't waste his time with endless chat. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:40:28 PM | If you have really clear pics of yourself then it's obvious or should be to that guy wether or not he would sleep with you just from the pics.
If they want to meet right away either they are desperate or don't trust that you look that good in real life because he may suspect your pics are old.
It's way better to get to know someone on the phone and email, before meeting providing the pics are current. This way any red flags that have nothing to do with looks will pop up and you can decide wether to fish or cut bait.
I've had instances where they wanted to meet after a couple of emails in one night, i never trust this.
You don't have to chat for a year before you go out, but if they are THAT motivated to date you and you are not Brad Pitt, then something is rotten in Denmark. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:08:59 AM | Strangely enough, I've met more than 20 women from services like POF (though none from POF itself yet) and I can recall only a single one who misrepresented what she looked like to any extent at all. It really doesn't make any sense that women would be more honest with me than the typical guy, so I'm not sure what's going on with that. Well, I suppose there is an argument that it takes a very "unique" sort of woman to have initial interest in me to begin with, but still, that track record is a little bizarre if you ask me.
However, I'll be the first in this thread to admit to having been on the "other side" quite frequently in the sense that some women were very excited by my emails but disappointed with me in real life. I've been a creative writer since I could pick up a crayon, so I can produce some pretty amazing emails. But my "real life" persona is very quiet and reserved by comparison. A couple of women outright told me to my face that I didn't even seem like the same person, and it had nothing to do with my appearance (which, interestingly, hasn't changed since high school, so I could even get away with a pic from age 16 if I really wanted to!).
So after a few of those episodes, I decided the only fair thing to do is to rush the initial meeting as much as I could without seeming like some sort of pervert. It's a pretty fine line to walk. No doubt my email relationships could go on for years if I let them (in fact, several did -- I met one woman 3 years after our initial email). And to some extent, longer email relationships work to my advantage, but it's really tough to deal with feeling someone else's disappointment in you after they have seemed so enthused about you for months. You know, we often hear fairy tale stories about people getting married after long periods of emailing/chatting before meeting so it sounds like a good idea, but those couples probably would have worked out regardless of at what point they met. My experience says meetings should happen as soon as possible to prevent unnecessary emotional attachment and it's good to see so many women on this site who are agreeing with that philosophy and often taking the bull by the horns, because I can promise you, in every case I've had where the online communication dragged on for months or years, it was definitely not me who was putting up the barriers to meeting (except for rare cases in which I somehow got into an online situation with a woman who lived hundreds or thousands of miles away -- in which case, that's not really anybody's fault that a quick meeting doesn't happen). | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:31:20 AM | | More often than not, people who spend too much time chatting, emailing or even on the phone without meeting, create an illusion of the other person on their heads. So when you meet, the real person does not match those mental expectations and one or the other pulls the disappearing act. This is probably the most common thread topic in the forums. So, my advice. Do not chat. Meet in person. Then anything you will have meaning because you tested the real chemistry between you two. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:00:05 AM |
Because they might not find you entirely physically appealing once they see you in three dimension.
How true...video in the mail doll..whats that zip again?
it's happens in our world and the animal world too. the peacock is amazed by the best set feathers, not all men are into looks only, but at the same time you have to be attracted to someone, you have to.
Well said. Isn't it funny how the male sex of the animal world is so much more colorful and attention grabbing to the eye? | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:44:43 AM | Loki-Sue:
So, did you choose your screen name on purpose? You want to be known as Mischief Maker Sue, well you sure are on your way with this post.
Any way, sue, I think you made the age old mistake, looking at men and thinking that if men were just a bit more like women we'd all be better off. Not gonna happen. do you really want a man that thinks and responds like you. Do you want a girl friend in bed with you or a MAN.
And, yes, looks do fade, but there is so much more info about a woman available than just her looks. How does she dress, what's her activity level like, does she smile, take care of herself, is she feminine in her manner. All or none of these attributes may be important to a potential suitor. And, conversely, similar traits may apply for women checking men out.
Men know what women want... we just don't care...
When women know what men really want, then we might try caring....
m_church underscored this point this the above post. Instead of wanting men to be more like a woman, try looking at a potential date from the perspective of the man. What would I man desire, want, be attracted to or by. It is a two way street, and since you women seem to laud your ability to define relationship so well, be the grown up and show us the way.
peppermint petunias brings up an interesting aspect of sexual attraction:
Isn't it funny how the male sex of the animal world is so much more colorful and attention grabbing to the eye?
Not only is the male (bird) often the showier of the two in order to attract a mate, he is also the showier to draw potential threats away from the female and their nest. So, the male attracts the female and also attracts the foe; an interesting combination of sexual display and sacrifice.
Men Rock!
TK
{Fortunately, Humans have developed a different interaction, women are the showier sex (although there is a tribe in N. Africa where the men are the showier of the two -- wouldn't work for me, gots nothing to work with)} | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:13:24 AM | This isn't a male problem. I want to see who I'm talking to also.
And as much as we all try to not be shallow and say "looks don't matter", they do matter and we all know it.
Seriously, is there nothing worse than chatting or emailing with someone who doesn't have a picture only to finally see them and just be disappointed?
Sorry, but my time is more valuable than that. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:07:24 PM | which in turn can lead to love and a lasting relationship.
I don't know how your planning a lasting relationship when your marital status is listed as separated.
-i'm thinking guys are being superficial because they cant see a long future with a still married woman...
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:43:30 PM |
Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
As many have said, this isn't gender specific.
I do not believe in love at first sight.
So? Most people don't, including the men who want to see you live and in person. Has nothing to do with it.
Chatting awhile helps you to really get to know each other
No, it really doesn't. It allows you to get to know what that person chooses to present or it allows you to get to know the illusion of who you want him/her to be but it absolutely does not allow you to get to know who the person truly is.
Having similar likes can lead to great friendships, which in turn can lead to love and a lasting relationship.
So can mind blowing attraction. There is no 'one size fits all' answer to what will lead to love and a LTR. It's always a combination of things and it is always, always, always something that has to happen in real time, face to face for it to be real.
Look around ,beauty is only skin deep and fades fast.
True beauty is timeless, ageless and far deeper than the skin surface. Get more confidence in who you are and how you look - be honest about why it is you are afraid to meet people. Not every single person on the planet is going to find you attractive. Be okay with that. You only need one person to find you attractive and that is you.
You guys should watch that movie with Mel Gibson, "What Women Want"
Why? Fun movie that has zero basis in reality. I suppose if you want and are striving a fantasy relationship you could look toward it for a guide - otherwise, it's just a movie. It's for entertainment. It's not real life.
Chat and see the inner beauty.
Chatting won't allow this to happen. Getting to know a person, in real time and face to face will. It is quite common to become more attracted to a person because of their personality but that only happens if they are someone you will spend face to face time with. If they aren't, then no amount of inner beauty will matter.
If you feel your just being used as a chat buddy, let your feelings known and say goodbye
This isn't something I have to worry with. If a guy doesn't view the on line medium as strictly a form of introduction it is already apparent that we wouldn't be a good match. Meet soon or go find someone else to chat endlessly with. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:41:51 AM | thats easy to answer..
Yeah you can get to know someone online and such, but what does it matter if when you meet there is no attraction or chemistry.
Ya you can build those through phone convos and sending messeges back and forth, but the real connection is built when you meet in person, so why not get that out of the way right off and save both yourself some time.. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:07:20 AM | oh, inner beauty my ass. what a worn out, hackneyed old phrase, repeated ad nauseam by a gazillion people who are, in reality, just as unwilling to extend the philosophy they're parroting unto others, as others are typically unwilling to extend it unto them. if people are ugly, they're just damn ugly. and lots of 'em are pretty damn ugly on the inside, too..... maybe even more than on the outside!
my life is not a movie script, so i'll happily consider somebody somewhere between "Shrek" and "Mel Gibson". (please, god. don't send me somebody who goes all bat-shit about the jews.)
there is some value to chatting with people online before meeting. but the only thing that's good for, is to get some framework for the other person's interests and values, and how they coincide with yours (or not)... and, on that basis, whether it's worthwhile to meet the person IRL. in the meantime any chatting that you do is not a real relationship, it's not even the beginning of a real relationship, or even a reasonable facsimile thereof, it's just typing words into space. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:24:04 AM |
Chatting awhile helps you to really get to know each other.
Absolute total crap.
Everyone who starts online dating gets lured into this bs ... you e-mail, you chat, you talk, you've found the perfect woman... then you meet and (assuming she actually fits her profile) she says.. ack.. didn't feel it.. no chemistry.
Sorry Charlie... start again.. no thanks. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:28:30 AM | Why? Simple! I’m sick of being lied too and I’m sick of being told it’s what’s in the inside! I know what I’m attracted to and what I’m not and I don’t need someone criticizing me for it from a hidden place of self protection.
Getting contacts from women who have no pics who say, I’m not ugly but I think when you get to know me on the inside you will see that I’m kind and loving get instantly rejected. At this point, your insides are the same as mine and I don’t do autopsies. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:12:18 AM | Only "marginally ugly / ooooogly people" ask questions like these.
Because, sweetie... some of the best people with the most developed personalities and unique senses of humor are not attractive and cannot find a mate. I have a buddy who's got to be surpassing 400+ spins on the Toledo, and he's the a lot of fun and really witty. Do you think the women beat a path to his door? Nope. He knows why, and society knows why. The laws of supply and demand apply here too. Fat is not attractive to many people. Fat is not healthy. FAT IS CURABLE, however. He'll realize this and work at it. UGLY has NO CURE! If you are unattractive, you're (by definition) hard to look at. Why date a sweet-hearted gal if she's hard to look at?
It's not fair. We all would like to look like Brad and Angelina. We didn't choose our parents. It's life. People NEED attraction on the outside to get a foot in the door. The rest is icing on the cake.
I USED to think that taking the time to get to know somebody for weeks was best for online dating. I since learned the opposite is more efficient. Trade a few e-mails... get an overall feel for a person.... then meet for drinks ASAP. Why waste time on the fairy tale world of online personas and get to where the rubber meets the road: FACE TIME. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:10:38 AM | Women do the same thing.
I've had women want to talk on the phone immediately because they don't think talking here is an adequate medium.
I've had women want to meet ASAP because they can't determine whether they'd click with someone just by talking remotely.
I've had women demand impromptu photos to prove I look how I look in my profile.
Et Cetera | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:16:48 PM | I understand why.
Because I do the same. And I am a woman.
The man has to pass my visual screening in order for me to communicate with them in any way... email or phone.
Usually email, whenever I have time. Some requested IM, I said no, no time for that. | |
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| Why do men have to see you before trying to get to know you?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:26:24 PM |
It sucks pretty hard to talk to someone and get to know them and their life via talking on the phone and e-mail for days, weeks or months till she's ready to meet.
Well, you my friends has some serious patience.
Usually, when I begin communcating with a women, I'd usually except to meet her within a week or so. If it takes longer then that, I usually begin to lose interest. Quickly. | |
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