| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:09:17 AM | I think 1-2 months is really soon. SOME PEOPLE fall easy, hard and fast. Maybe that is you Tom. Nothing wrong with that, except not everyone you "fall for" will fall as fast as you, IF they are going to fall, at all. It takes time, and investing time and friendship, to see all of the different facets of a person, so you are sure it's not just infatuation, lust, etc.
SO, you need to learn to hold back and not overwhelm the other person, but learn to be sensitive to reading them. If they seem less interested than you are, if they aren't as "into" you, they probably aren't. If you rush them, and they could bolt and you will never find out, or slow down, and take time to "smell the roses" and wait, and see, what develops, over more time.
Women normally like men who show them attention, etc and are thoughtful, etc. From experience, if a guy is a bit over the top, and likes me a lot, really early on, and shows it in numerous ways - it sort of creeps me out and makes me want to retreat. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:21:22 PM |
People (men) make their intentions very clear when they're not getting sexual favors as a part of casual dating.
I don't know if I totally agree with this, I believe witholding sex activates a facade in the man who then becomes whatever you want him to be.... Only to reveal himself once sexual intimacy is reached. The revelation doesn't necesarily have to be negative, but it is their true character. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:30:35 PM | You can crawl in a cave and stay away from people, becoming an anchorite or take chances like the rest of us do.
If I had the "cure" for that I would send you some and share it with the world. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:54:39 PM | | I would say by that time, you should need to sit down with that person and openly discuss with them where they see the relaionship and its direction, otherwise you have no idea what is in thier head nor do they know what is in yours. You may tell us all that but if you dont communicate that to you SO there is just guessing and speculation. Ask her/him that is the only way . | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:10:23 PM |
I would say by that time, you should need to sit down with that person and openly discuss with them where they see the relaionship and its direction, otherwise you have no idea what is in thier head nor do they know what is in yours. You may tell us all that but if you dont communicate that to you SO there is just guessing and speculation. Ask her/him that is the only way .
I think people that expect to know where they're heading when it comes to relationships tend to be unhappy with how the relationship is going at present...If we were truly enjoying the time/moment with this person the destination would be irrelevant. I've been on both sides of the fence, where I’ve wanted to know all the 'what if's' but admittedly i was feeling insecure with that person at the time, hence why I felt a need to know...a sense of security to say the least.....yet I’ve also been the other person where I felt the pressure of another by making me label something that I was still trying to understand... | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:10:23 PM | tom you answered your own question in paragraph 2: them not offering to be exclusive after the 3rd date.
there is no intelligent reason to date non-exclusively unless the individual is non-committal. period. no one says they have to propose marriage but after 3 dates why convolute the situation bringing in other dates? or sex with other people? thats just very very dramatic. and we all know how much everyone here on pof loves drama. serious people keep it simple. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:21:14 PM | Are you suppose to ask to be exclusive after the 3rd date?? and who brings this up???
I am confused??? Is this why sex is expected on the 3rd date??? I would think this would very from person to person and situation to situation??? I think maybe the 2nd month depending on how much time you spent together. What if it has been 3 dates in 3 months??? I would not want to be exclusive with someone I see only once a month on the 3rd date. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:44:04 PM | Exclusivity after the 3 rd date is sounds rather nonsense to me. What if you have seen each other 3 times in 2 weeks. 2 weeks way to early.
I know that many women like a talk "where this relationship is going". But quite frankly it always fricked me out when it was taken place way to early. I dated ladies who wanted to know the answers after 2-3 dates. Heck, I just started seeing them. I felt that it was some sort of pressure on me to give them some hopes, promises and etc.
Indeed, I had a lovely lady who brought up a similar question after knowing each other for quite a while and really well and actually living together. But that was justifiable on her part because I started to act really strange. I was getting ready to pop the question and was quite nervous about the whole plan.... | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:03:30 PM | MT,
I'm one who's been on the other side of that situation. I thought I could tell after a couple of dates we weren't a match, but I kept seeing him, because I didn't feel like I was on a hunt or in a hurry, and we were having fun.
Fortunately he communicated with me openly, his thinking there was long-term potential, just about the time I made up my mind for sure, that there wasn't.
The one who feels in love but hides this information and keeps it casual so as not to pressure the other -- very understandable but still not quite honest -- and risking the very outcome you have described.
So even though I read your clarification, I still agree with the posters who contend THIS type of hurt is one that's almost completely preventable. Both people in your scenario contributed to this all-too-common communication melt-down. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:32:29 PM |
I think people that expect to know where they're heading when it comes to relationships tend to be unhappy with how the relationship is going at present...If we were truly enjoying the time/moment with this person the destination would be irrelevant.
Well said.
People get "hurt" because the reality doesn't match their projected outcome, or unrealistic expectation. If you let go of the expectation, you'll deal better with being "hurt". | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:09:00 PM | | tom what is your objection to exclusive dating? its still just dating, getting to know one another slowly. exclusivity means you aren't trying to get to know a few people at the same time. nothing like having tom pick you up for a date while****just happens to stop by with some flowers and harry calls to say hi. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:41:39 AM | The answer is simple, but not easy. While there are no guarantees in life, if you understand relationships, there are odds... and you can greatly reduce the risk of rejection... and eliminate casual daters who might take you for a ride just because they have not met a better option yet.
Sane women who have integrity (who are not by their nature liars/cheaters) and who are in love are naturally monogamous.
A few tips on how to spot a personal winner for you:
The first part, integrity, is found by watching actions through dating... are they a lying cheating scam artist in any area?
Love is the big component though... Would a woman in love with her husband want a divorce? Can you see how absolutely critical being in love is for a healthy relationship?
Communication is great, but remember, they have to be motivated to comunicate... they need to be in love for best results. Without love... well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
They should start falling for you in a reasonable time... there should be enough attraction/spark at the beginning that dates are easy... if you ask for a date, they say yes, or if they are busy, they offer an alternate date or time... in other words, You might be the one to initiate the first few dates, but they meet you in the middle as far as making dates, don't break them, and you never get off the phone without a date (when you ask for one). You are looking for a helpmate... women falling/in love make the best helpers. Who ever it was that said a dog is man's best friend should be shot! LOL! So, here is a new one for you... a nice woman in love is man's best friend!
You need to kiss them by the second date... if they turn their head, the odds are bad... move on to the next woman... you only need one, and why mess around with a woman who is likely to reject you? Women in love do it better.
She should be overly interested in learning about you.
Compliments in the early stages are one of the best indicators she is falling for you.
Affection is a great indicator of a spark (love level)... if she touches you early on.
If everything goes just right and she continues to fall for you, she will be in love with you after 2 months. You will know when this happens because any remaining shred of emotional walls she may have will fall, and she will totally open up to you like no other. It will seem as if she would do anything for you at this stage.
Wait until you have a good track record over time before you marry... at least 19 months. At that point, if you continue to do the right things to keep her in that deep state of love (relationships take some work), your chances of divorce are very slim. I'm not saying it will always be perfect (there are no perfect people), but there are couples out there who are very happy, and these are some of the reasons. Heck, women leave their families, religions, cultures, and countries every day to be with their husbands. If the people are generally good and have a minimum of liabilities, love really can change everything. So much for the myth of needing that prenup! Surprise! | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:23:37 AM | However **** it is common that after 1-2- months of dating Jan/Joe will decide that ou are not the one but still will continue to see you, spend time with, call and etc.
You still believe that things are moving forward and he/she already knows that they do not see anything further than dating. But of course not telling it to you because they always enjoyed your company and had great time.
what we have here, is a failure to communicate.
so here you've got one person assuming everything about which way things are probably going, and the other one leading them on for their own selfish reasons. as usual in a relationship, both of them get to share the blame for whatever goes wrong between them.
presumptuous fool + selfish asshat = dead end street.
some pain is unavoidable, because of the decisions we make that blaze an inevitable path to some ignoble end.
and pain teaches useful lessons. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:59:08 AM | If they really don't indicate at all the absence of serious intent, then there's no way to avoid this. This scenario indicates that both parties have expressed to one another an interest in having something serious. So the party who's feeling more serious would have no reason to initiate another conversation about it until a good several months in, which I'm guessing is probably how and when that person discovered that the other party didn't feel equally strongly.
However (yeah, there's always a "however," except in Death Proof, and Zoe got to add one there anyway). There probably are signs, it's just hard for the person who's feeling more to see them clearly.
Anyone who can figure out how to fix that might become the first to successfully negotiate lasting peace in the Middle East. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:22:17 AM | See the signs....
Do you feel like you are his/her number 1 or do you feel 2nd or 3rd on a list of other priorities?
If I don't feel that I come first on that list, then I am done in that relationship.
And no. I am not self centred or egocentric! | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:37:52 AM | If I'm Jane and Jon wants more than I'm willing to give ~ it's time to let go (in good conscience). If I (Jane), continue to date Jon without expressing my limitations / personal boundaries ~ I'm a "playa" (zero credibility / conscience).
Now, if Jon can respect my boundaries and accepts them for what they are.. the relationship is what it is.. without false expectations / anticipations. It's called keeping "it" real and respectful.
Those who refuse to "respect and/or accept" are not relationship worthy in my book. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:57:55 AM |
A person is harder to play if their dreams cannot be easily identified. Having said that, anyone can be deceived, and those who think they can't are more vulnerable than those who realise they can.
^ I agree to some extent. Mystery is enticing but if the intention is to conquer because we're intrigued with the not so obvious.. dynamics become manipulative. Vulnerability is healthy (within reason) and appropriate if the relationship is meaningful. To mask one's true nature in hopes to dodge a deceptive player is emotionally crippling - counter productive - and down right juvenile.  | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:10:46 AM | This is the heart of the problem!
They string you along and while you are thinking it's a serious relationship
that might even lead to marriage at some point they are secretly
looking for someone else better.
You have to date more than one at a time and always assume that it's just
casual dating until you have "THE TALK" about whether it's going to be
an exclusiove relationship.
After two months of dating, when sex is in the picture probably, or just before
sex enters the picture hopefully, bring up the subject of not seeing others.
If they won't agree then keep looking and STOP SEEING THEM. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:47:49 AM | In the hypotical example...Jane is playing Jon like a stradivarius.
If married, at once, see an attourney and start the divorice proceedings. Do not pass GO do not collect $200. She'll get everything anyway, but you'll at least get a clean break and can start a brand new ,better life without her. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:34:55 AM | There is only one sure fire of preventing that (or any other kind) of hurt involving relationships.....avoid them entirely. Don't associate or speak with anyone just in case their motives are not honorable.
Kind of unrealistic though so what I do is observe and seek consistency in people. When someone is being inconsistent, they MAY be lying to me. There are many other reasons for people to behave in an inconsistent manner though. Regardless of the reasons, it is time to hash it out between us.
Paying attention to my own feelings also helps...if I am uncomfortable, I have to figure out why I am feeling that way....am I projecting onto someone else my own insecurities or the actions of others or is it genuinely related to that other person.
There are players in this world but they show signs....many simply choose not to accept those signs for what they are and cry victim later.... | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:34:23 AM | msg. 38, datingmatingrelating,
would you pls give us the equivalent behavior for a man in your beautifully written insightful post about how to tell if a woman genuinely loves you? | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:53:50 AM | The easiest way is to become a masochist. 
Just accept the simple fact that not a single person has ever died due to having their heart broken. Sure people have committed suicide and killed others due to one, but never the cause of death itself. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:43:57 PM | It's about mutual trust. And without it, a relationship will not thrive. I won't have a relationship without trust, because If I don't trust her, I will end it. Period.
How can you prevent being hurt like that ? You have to have honesty, and trust. And that takes time to decide if the person is who they claim to be. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:48:42 PM | " I think people that expect to know where they're heading when it comes to relationships tend to be unhappy with how the relationship is going at present...If we were truly enjoying the time/moment with this person the destination would be irrelevant. I've been on both sides of the fence, where I’ve wanted to know all the 'what if's' but admittedly i was feeling insecure with that person at the time, hence why I felt a need to know...a sense of security to say the least.....yet I’ve also been the other person where I felt the pressure of another by making me label something that I was still trying to understand..."
Arabian, you're logical, articulate, balanced, and you have insight. I wish that more women were like you.
And you bring up a great point. As a man, I sometimes need a little more time to know what I am feeling with the newness of a relationship. Both parties need to know what they feel, and what they need before they can bring those conclusions to the table.
By openly discussing/outwardly embracing what they each want/feel/need, they may avoid being hurt, or hurting their partner. Or both. | |
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