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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:48:42 PM | " I think people that expect to know where they're heading when it comes to relationships tend to be unhappy with how the relationship is going at present...If we were truly enjoying the time/moment with this person the destination would be irrelevant. I've been on both sides of the fence, where I’ve wanted to know all the 'what if's' but admittedly i was feeling insecure with that person at the time, hence why I felt a need to know...a sense of security to say the least.....yet I’ve also been the other person where I felt the pressure of another by making me label something that I was still trying to understand..."
Arabian, you're logical, articulate, balanced, and you have insight. I wish that more women were like you.
And you bring up a great point. As a man, I sometimes need a little more time to know what I am feeling with the newness of a relationship. Both parties need to know what they feel, and what they need before they can bring those conclusions to the table.
By openly discussing/outwardly embracing what they each want/feel/need, they may avoid being hurt, or hurting their partner. Or both. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:11:04 PM |
SUMMARY: You know that you look for serious relationship. It has been quite long time. You met Jon/Jane and they want the same stuff as you. They do not have red flags and not rushing into marrige (good with you). But they make up somewhere a mind that you are not the one but not indicate it (words or actions) and keep dating you (and you think there is a potential and after a while fall in love with that person)
Really simple in my book going along for a while is subjective. I know if I was in this position I would be talking to the person and laying it on the line. Way before, I could have my heart destroyed.
Aren't we also responsible for not allowing this type of hurt come into our lives. The biggest thing I see people do is ASSUME... I take extra care not to do this that way, I feel when I date I am going in with eyes wide open. I also feel communication is vital to all relationships whether romantic or not. Therefore if I felt I there was a chance this person was all that I was seeking, and not knowing with out a shadow of a doubt what he was feeling I would ask. I also wouldn't hang on hoping to change his or her mind later on. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:39:09 PM | Sassy, you made some good points. I never dated a guy so I do not know but somehow women very early on wants to know where this relationship is going (many of them). It may be a clear position when a man is not sure yet but she looks for some sort of reassurance/garanties. Obviously, most men will start feeling pressured and not like it. Only because we may be truly o.k. with just dating you (exclsively) for few months without droping hints on a ring or move in together.
This way even if originally see a possibility of future potential such sort ofearly hints that she wants more and desire for some reassurance and some promices may blow things off...
I personally had it a couple of time. My good friend who is also German but lives in the US runs into this stuff on a regular basis. Dietrich is very attractive and has good cash. Women like him and he doesn't have a problem to land a lady. Somehow they all want to make the ball roll relatively early on. They click on him because they really met a great guy (I know he also has a great personality, manners and etc). I think we both hear that when a gal wants to know where the relationship is going she wants to have some indication of future, promises and garanties. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:11:45 PM | Well its quite simple, you just enjoy the sex and find someone else
Its not hard to impress a woman that she wants you for life, however once you've failed, her mind is made up for good, and it becomes pretty much impossible. I dont know why this is it must have something to do with the wiring in her nervous system. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:34:15 PM |
I think we both hear that when a gal wants to know where the relationship is going she wants to have some indication of future, promises and garanties.
I think if a woman asks where is this going, I think for most of my friends and I we are asking hey are you wanting to date exclusive to see what potentional this chemistry between us has. I don't think for the most part we are asking for a ring or a promise of undying love. That to me is setting yourself up for the hurt, let things proceed naturally.
I personally feel alot of times in the past pressured to give this commitment I wasn't ready to give, I have always said time will tell in the end. I personally believe the hurt you are describing alot of times comes from the person themselves. Not dealing in reality of what is instead of living in the fantasy world. There comes a time when it is what it is and if one person is wanting more then talk about it if the two said people can't come to a meeting of minds then it is time to part and wish each other well.
In this world there are no guarantee in this world, just not going to be real. Life is what we make of it the same as relationships sometimes they fall into place and work perfectly and other times no matter how hard two people try it just isn't going to happen.
Hurt happens, a person IMO has to dust themselves off, learn from it and move on. Leaving the anger, pain behind and take the good things from it.
Again go into things with your eyes wide open. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:13:32 AM | Hmm, it's never to early for a guy to tell me he's only interested in dating me now. I could hear that on a first date and not be freaked out because it's not like he's asking me to promise anything. He's just expressing how he feels. I wouldn't worry to much about freaking her out with "the talk." Just be clear in what you say - tell her that you don't want to put any pressure on her if she's not ready, but that you are ready to see her exclusively and not date anyone else. Then you may have to wait for her to return the sentiment, or you may discover she is ready to give it a go too.
On the other hand, neither of you (even if you feel like this is serious), are really able to say how long this will last yet. You are still figuring that out with each other, and that just takes time. So you can be clear that you are not interested in continuing casual dating just for the sake of dating, but you can't really rush her into telling you how serious she is about you. You just have to make your intentions and desires clear, and trust that she wouldn't string you along knowing this. If it does end, it doesn't mean she was stringing you along. She may have just not had enough time to decide where it was going yet. Don't hold back on expressing your feelings, but make it clear that you are not pressuring her to return those expressions.
You're the guy...you're supposed to be the one doing the chasing and wooing. That's the way it works (*duck*...oh, I know I'll get attacked for that one in this forum). Most women, if they are interested, are comfortable with the man showing more interest earlier. Just lay it out there, and then be patient. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:23:23 AM | | you have to make educated guesses. if this hurt does indeed happen, you should see it as adding to your education. over time, you live a little, love a little, lose a little. if you are lucky, you know how to laugh a lot. no guarantees. just like a business venture, you just give it your best shot, lick your wounds, seek solace from friends and fora--and go back into the trenches, knowing it is not "personal", and that you have yet to find your match. about that: gotta believe! it is about faith and not about guaranteed fact. else you'd have nothing to learn and therefore no reason to have been born in the first place. life is about learning, serving and ultimately the gift of love. love is an action that you initiate and not a feeling. however, feelings are good when they happen and they do and they don't. just surf! | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:03:50 AM |
women very early on wants to know where this relationship is going (many of them
...
when a gal wants to know where the relationship is going
- When a woman says this to you, it means she is falling hard for you, if not already deeply in love with you. This is a great thing. It's one of the main ingredients necessary for a relationship to stand the test of time. Did I mention how valuable a woman in love can be?!
My intuition tells me that either you are not meeting the right women (he has to love her too, and she needs to be good relationship/marriage material), or you are immature and want to play the field, or you still have some residual baggage from previous breakups and are a little gun-shy, and not ready to pursue a long-term relationship yet. In the latter case, time heals all wounds... keep dating, it will happen for you.
Realize also that women typically want to take the relationship to a higher stage, marriage and possibly kids... conversely, men are often not as interested in those two things as women are... if they are emotionally and sexually fulfilled by seeing/dating her regularly, just having a long term relationship is enough for them; if things are good, they like things to remain the same.
But here is the real deal... relationships are about give and take, and there is some work involved. So, really, if you want to stay in a relationship with a woman, you need to be prepared to marry her... after she asks you... but not before 18 months, at least.... that's reasonable.
So, when she asks, "where is this going", and you want to keep her, appreciate it, and start forming a plan in your mind about the future... but mainly, don't take it too seriously and run away... don't react seriously, until she nags you a few more times about it, at least, or pops the question... then, you can talk it out. Initially, just joke with her... or do what Tom Hanks did in the movie "Big" when his love interest asks him a serious question (After a date at his apartment).. watch how he reacts, what he does... while most things in movies are fantasy and incorrect, this particular scene is a dead-on accurate snapshot as to what a super happy and healthy, blooming romantic relationship should look like at times. Many of you have seen a couple goofing around like playful children. The true nature of love is pure, innocent, fun, playful, and child-like.
It's just natural, and a good thing... she is simply trying to tell you she does not want to live without you! How wonderful is that?!
Men are very serious about being casual! Women want everybody to be married! | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:18:39 AM | Tom; If I had even a quarter for everytime this has happened to me or I unintenionally hurt someone else, I'd be rich. I think that is why these dating sites don't work but are still so convenient and easy to stay on. We stay on here hoping or even wishing we could meet our other half; but honestly I just don't think it's realistic.
I have been on here for a year now; I know I've let a couple of guys down by not continuing to date after one or two dates with them. I have certainly been very hurt and let down a couple of times by "serious , long term dates" that turned out to be professional playboys who would use any and every trick in the book to try to "steal" a little someth'n someth'n for noth'n noth'n(emotionally).
So, what do we do? Get off these sites and get matched up by friends, family, activities, groups. Places where you can have an idea who this person really is and not who they wish they were or who they think you would like them to be to get what they want out of you!!
I know this advice sucks, I'm still trying to follow my own advice. It's so easy to turn onthe computer and see who's smiling today...
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