| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:07:42 AM | I am gong to speak from a similar experience as you have. It's not quite the same but it certainly has a lot of similarities. The first two similarities are that he is very good looking and financially secure. The third similarity was the wife's response:
She claimed not to believe it.
Some people would rather disbelieve and deny the truth because they are in a comfortable lifestyle.
I made the mistake of telling my friend about her husband. She knows what was going on but didn't want to lose her comfortable lifestyle. This woman who I thought I was helping no longer speaks with me. She has shunned others who informed her about her husband.
I'm guessing your friend doesn't want a change in life so she accepts his behaviour. Unfortunately, I know many who are in the same situation. There is a cycle though. The man goes on weekend golf outings and the women who cheat go on weekend shopping excursions.
Your friend knows what is going on. I'd keep clear of the situation - she doesn't want her world upset, especially by her friends who are her world. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:24:02 AM | I'm afraid I'm going to side with those who say the wife probably knows - or should know - what's going on. This recent call from an irate husband isn't the first time she's been confronted by her husband's behaviour.
If he's openly flirting with you and others in his wife's presence, then she's choosing to ignore it. I've been pushed into a bedroom by a wife while the husband has chosen to turn away and ignore it. Fortunately my wife at the time saved me, cause she was pretty damn persistent. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:26:39 AM | I too have a feeling that your friend can't be totally ignorant of what's going on with her husband all these years. Being a woman yourself, you should know how powerful women's instinct can be right? She must have her own reasons to stay with him, either for money or for love.
If he ever hits on you again, simply tell him to try on other ladies instead unless he plans on divorcing her and marrying YOU. Ask him if you could be of any help by forwarding his text message to her.  | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:46:40 AM | How do you actually know that his wife does not know anything. Perhaps she has (as is her right in this situation) chosen to turn a blind eye and live the high life.
Or maybe she just really loves the guy, and that's why she's chosen to "turn a blind eye" to his other liasions. Couples have been living together in these kinds of arrangements forever. I no longer presume to know the secrets of a marriage. Frankly it's none of my, or anyone's, business. Why meddle? Because it offends one's morals? I have a theory on morality: perhaps morals are the weak man's way to create personal boundaries... the danger of course being that those personal boundaries then get projected out onto other people who do not need nor want those particular boundaries. Or maybe people are tempted to meddle because they don't want others to get hurt? I can understand that one, having felt it many times. But in order to respect other people's space and the integrity of them as separate individuals I had to learn to cope with their discomfort in life. The value "everyone should be happy and I should contribute to that" had to go. What I think should happen at any given time anywhere in the world is of no consequence to the world unless asked my opinion. I no longer strive to please, ease, soothe or lighten a load. I no longer view the suffering of another as a mistake that person is making. This was a huge shift in values for me. In the earning of my own privacy I learned to respect the privacy of another. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:47:39 AM | | I would go to the Church minister/priest and ask for counsel. He/She would be a good person with distance to discuss this with. The question you have to ask yourself is... since this bothers you to be involved in all of his foolishness... (having him hit on you, watching him do it to others, hearing that others have been with him... ) how desperate are you to be done with it? You might end up seen as the bad guy... but standing up for our moral values often leaves us standing alone. If this is the case, there are two things to remember... first off, when she (if she) ever comes to her senses, she'll realize that you were there for her and come back. Secondly... you would at least be done with their drama. Just my thoughts.... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:50:03 AM | I was, I suppose, in a similar position (less the wealthy bit) as I didn't find out until after the relationship ended that my ex had cheated at least twice. Nuking all the details, a mutual friend knew my ex was having an affair and did not tell me directly for some good reasons including she felt I was not adding up what was right in front of me because I wasn't ready to face it.
While continuing her friendship with me, she cut off her friendship with my ex. Even so, she was instrumental in my finally seeing the light. It came at the end of a conversation where I had been saying everything added up to J having an affair, but there's no way J would ever have an affair. She asked me: "Explain to me again why you are so convinced J could not be having an affair?" I spent another 1-2 days weighing that out before forcing J to come clean.
It seems to me you could ask similar questions of your friend regarding the betrayed/angry husband's phone call. "Did you ever hear anymore from that husband?" "Explain to me again..."
People are saying she isn't ready to face it because she doesn't want to give up the good life (money), and that may well be true. It also strikes me that this is especially devastating news and sometimes our psyche refuses to see things clearly in order to protect us from emotional devastation. Being betrayed in that way was my single largest fear in life... I couldn't face it as a reality. At least that's my excuse for why I chose to live in delusion by failing to add up the evidence to the correct sum for so many months.
Tough place to be in Nomadic, I wish you peace in it. BTW, I was in awe of my friend's integrity in this and told her I didn't think, were I in her shoes, that I would have been able to do as well. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:54:17 AM | | I would be putting myself in your friend's position and asking myself what you would want the other friend to do. I do not let myself become burdened with others' secrets, but that's me. Fear of someone else's bad decisions or behaviour should never prevent you from doing what is right. You have to live with your own decisions. They must live with theirs. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:54:58 AM | | The next time he sends you these text messages just forward them onto his wife, and say that he must have mis-directed them. I think you missed your chance to have a good discussion with her when she told you about the phone call. You should have said that you have heard other stories about his behaviour, but didn't mention them because you didn't know if they were true,but that where there's smoke, there's fire. You don't have to go into any of the details, but at least things would have been out in the open. I don't think you can bring up the past because it's been too long, but you can deal with what happens from now on in a different way. You can't really tell her things you have heard from others because she will just dismiss it as gossip, but if he's stupid enough to send you text messages then that is your opportunity to give her a heads up. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:43:19 AM | A wealthy philanderer?
Definitely tell your friend, she could end up with a divorce settlement as big as a lottery jackpot! | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:49:40 AM | Douchebaggery at it's finest. Fcuking the wifes friends.
This guy has no morals, no boundaries, no limits.
He is a waste of air.
Not to mention he could give her something.
And this is what you "know" of. Likely there are scores of women that you don't "know" of because they are not in your circle.
No matter what happens, you have to tell her. Even if the friendship is over because of it. She needs a wake up call. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:16:48 AM | Tell me, why has your friend been allowing this man to text her and entice her for 15 frigging years? That sounds pretty pathetic on both their parts. And what kind of 'friends' screws someone she calls a friend once or more times? This sounds like a rather trashy circle of friends, tell wife of the cheater the truth and get it over with, you should have brought it up years ago, all of you, and cleared the air or found better friends to hang out with. Had you been honest from the start none of this would have been happening for 20 years.
I have another question, if this guy is so rich & good looking, why can't he do better than his wife's friends? I think there's more to this story. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:42:44 AM | Get a new phone number and make some new friends. Your current " personal circle" is sorely lacking. Bad company corrupts good character.
Her marriage is none of your business: "she LOVES him truly."
His activities are none of your business.
Stop gossiping with all your friends about it and move on. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:53:22 AM | | Tell the woman about her pig of a husband. Being a real friend is not sitting by and allowing people to make a fool out of your "friend". She needs to know about the two skanks she thinks are her friends sleeping with her husband. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:57:08 AM | Dude your friend is stupid or just doesnt care she knows exactly what is going on. Not your problem. If she wants to live in denial let her, if she complains about it too much tell her to stfu and change things if she doesnt like it. Either way, your friend has to fix this, it isnt on you. And trust me she DOES know!!!
^T^ | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:04:30 AM | | I would first suggest you quit calling the hubby a "friend". I personally don't have people as "friends" that act the way he does.Just me of course. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:07:08 AM | | I don't care for the adv ice to not tell the woman or find a way to let her know ina subtle way. Stop being a coward about the whole thing. Tell the woman and own up to your part in keeping her in the dark. I don't like when people tap dance around truth to protect themselves. Tell the truth and own the consequences. That is always the best way. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:15:23 AM |
I don't care for the adv ice to not tell the woman or find a way to let her know ina subtle way. Stop being a coward about the whole thing. Tell the woman and own up to your part in keeping her in the dark.
That's not always a good alternative.
The wife already experienced a sense of infidelity yet refused to accept the news. If a person (the wife) prefers living in that environment, she will disown those who are publicising the affair(s)..... really, who wants their bad marriage to be the local gossip?
If the wife starts complaining about the marriage, then the topic can be brought forward | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:17:19 AM | She knows and just isn't willing to except it. She may love her way of life more. You can't control his behavior or hers how ever you can decide what you're willing to put up with. This part is on you.
Telling her anything seems pointless. I would show her the texts and say you want out of the game. Find new friends, seriously. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:19:20 AM | | Anna, these situations seperate the real friends from the fake friends. -f your friendship with her was really that tight she would not have turned against you for telling her about the guy. You did the right thing by telling her as someone said, what they do with the information is up to them. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:19:42 AM | "is it possible to get the texts back?"
Nope.
I have to agree with the others that ask why you have these kinds of friends. Your one friend is encouraging a married man to flirt with her, the married man is an a$$ (who should be reported to the church) and the wife obviously is choosing to ignore her husband's behavior. And you hang around with them - why? | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:31:33 AM | Everybody has their own coping mechanisms. Being a friend does not preclude you impose your heroism over her choice of coping with the situation.... a real friend would understand that. She is aware of infidelity; your job as an adviser is done.
As far as dumping her? Well, that too is a very selfish act, as a friend. If you mettle in someone's personal life, you should accept the consequences (rants, if you will) of your own behaviour. Be her friend (that's what she wants) not her nightly newsline.
If the wife begins imposing that aspect of the marriage with you or other general complaints about her marriage, then contemplate your position. Until then, you've not been invited to snoop into their bedroom life. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:39:26 AM | I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details.
As for the woman he is married to and you telling her...don't. She chooses to ignore the signs that are so obvious in front of her face and the fact that she even got a phone call from a husband. I pretty much agree with these two statements. If she's been married to this guy for so long and hasn't figured out that she's married to a toad, that's really her fault. Best you can really do here is just allow her to come to you to talk about her husband's indiscretions when she feels like doing so. Otherwise, since she rationalized her husband as being worthy because she has stayed with him for so long, she'll look at you as being some sort of wedge; hell she might even think you are trying to split them up for your own benefit. I suggest staying out of this. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:04:18 AM | I would have to agree with the others. I think your friend is in denial. She must know a little bit of her husbands behavior and choosing to ignore it.
My ex husband cheated on me with my best friend of 9 years. I caught them together..after that I chose not to have any communication with either of them.
I think you just need to dis associate yourself with them as well. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:03:20 PM | Thanks for all the advice guys. I think that I've now seen almost every possible angle of this problem and possible solutions.
I understand why some of you are chastising me for not having told the wronged wife before now, but perhaps others can understand why I've felt that my first loyalty is to my closest friend who slept with this guy (ONCE) fifteen years ago. I've always felt that he took advantage of her when she was extremely vulnerable, and while that's no EXCUSE, I DO forgive imperfection in people I love. But in the end, I KNEW that this had happened for more than a decade before becoming close to the wronged wife.... and we've become friends THROUGH the other woman (my best friend). There is NO sense in which I would dream, now, of telling her about the liaison of fifteen years ago as such, were it not for the more recent activities of her husband. Really, my biggest problem now is that if I DO tell her about the recent stuff, I'll be exposing my other friend in the process.
Nevertheless, everyone here who has remarked on my friend's enjoyment of this man's attention is obviously right. In this sense, she makes her own problems by continuing to "cooperate" (even though she says no to him). I think that there's a sort of fantasy according to which she and the man are "really" meant for each other deep down (which he has said to her). I also think it would help if she wasn't as unhappy as she is in her OWN marriage (a whole different story).
BUT, while I get really aggravated about this when I hear something new (as I did yesterday--thus the post), I guess I'm going to follow some of the advice here and continue to hold my own counsel. I don't think that the guy will approach ME again (since I HAVE told him to fvck off) but if he does I'll make it clear to him that I'm tempted to spill the whole can of beans to his wife. I'll also make sure that he knows that I know about his continued pursuit of my other friend...and exactly how disgusting I find it. Maybe that will warn him off?
I'm also NOT going to just decide that I "need new friends" and drop the whole set of these people. In particular, nothing could compel me to just drop my closest friend of 28 years. Nobody is JUST their worst moments-- and we all have weaknesses. This includes, obviously, the cheating husband--my issue isn't that he ONCE cheated (and it isn't my business anyway as I knew neither him nor his wife well at the time), but that his behavior seems to be habitual.
I was really interested in what itsmargo said about her conversation with her friend...helping her to see the light. While in itsmargo's case it came AFTER her marriage ended, still I thought it meaningful THE WAY your friend helped you realize the truth, without saying anything DIRECT but encouraging you to take off your blinders. I DO feel a sense of obligation to the wronged wife (who I just love to death), but (along those lines) I think that I'll reconcile my role in this by deciding (like My I and others have said) that IF she raises these kinds of issues with me again I WILL tell her that she shouldn't dismiss the possibility of his infidelity, and once I say that I'll let the conversation develop--and I won't LIE to her.
I also agree with those who said I missed a good opportunity when she told me about the phone call she got. It caught me off guard and in that moment I just wanted to support her belief in the integrity of her marriage. I DO believe that she's been suspicious, but I do NOT think that she "knows" and I think the truth would really shock her. I know some people will think this doesn't make sense at all, but their relationship is SOLID (except, obviously, in this way).
Thanks again y'all. | |
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