| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:20:10 PM | dear friend ,put youself in your friends shoes,i think you all need to tell her this man is making an idiot out of her,and when it eventually comes out and she finds out you knew you will lose her friendship.
good luck | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:21:49 PM | Maybe if the cheating husband would just stop it already, you would have a much easier time putting this to rest.
I agree with the posters who say the woman PROBABLY already knows and that by you telling her, you risk being the bad person in this mess.
So send her an anonymous get well card. In it just give her enough information to hang himself. Just tell her if she cares to know than all she needs to do is open her eyes. If he is calling and texting you and the other girlfriend, then he is most likely doing the same with many others. All the wife needs to do is look at his cell phone bill and she will get a complete list of phone numbers.
If she really doesn't care to know then that's on her. At least you will be able to have a clear conscience. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:04:53 PM | i agree with all the posters on here. she does not want to know, which means she knows and ignores it, for whatever her reasons are.
my concern is him hitting on you, touching you inappropriately. i would tell him via text message so you have proof, or email for proof, that the next time he touches you in any way you will file charges against him. he has no right and you should be aggressive in stopping it.
and limit your contact to zero. only see her and next time someone wants to tell you about his dalliances, tell them you don't want to know.
kaylee | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:19:00 PM | | You know it isn't so much you not telling the wife, since your later posts show that you aren't really friends but more a group who hang out together, but that you continue to support your actual friend while she plays with this other woman's husband to shore up her sagging ego just as she did when she screwed him behind her friend's back. You choose to be a part of this lying & cheating, and to knowing this man is using this cirlce of 'friends' to get his thrills and that some of them (who knows the real truth or how many) drop their pants for him simply because he's rich, nice looking and easily distracted by willing women who don't care that he's married or that they are friends of his wife. You are the company you keep, as they say, so your support of this woman and staying with these 'friends' says a lot about you no matter what you protest. I don't mean to say that in a snotty tone, since it's so hard to read intent online, but that you are putting yourself in this position and if chit hits the fan, all your pleas of innocense are not going to have much meaning. Just where do you really stand, where are your morals and ethics and why do you think supporting a cheater & cheatee make you innocent? | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:27:11 PM |
Your friend that is married and had the fling with him 15 years ago invites the behavior on herself because she flirts with him and doesn't tell him stop it or I'm telling your wife. You have the ability to do that and to minimize the time you spend around this man. It is not your job to tell your friend because she obviously doesn't want to believe it. He has been cheating on her for 15 years, you don't think deep down she knows?
If you want to 'blow the whistle' you can only do it with things that happen in the present, concerning you directly. Your friend with the fling is her own worst-enemy because she actively STILL encourages the mans behaviour.
They are wealthy and she doesn't want to give up what she has in order to have a man that is faithful to her, that is her choice to make.
So true in many cases. The woman in question must realise the price she has to pay if she ever calls her cheating husband out, the price she pays for her gilded lifestyle.
Other than that, you have to let it go and if that means spending less time around these people, only spending time with your best friend when they aren't around, then that is probably what you are going to have to do.
This is the best way in my opinion, remove yourself from a toxic situation, the man never was your friend, he just wants to make you another notch in his bedpost, build your friendship with your best friend away from the others and their pretence of a marriage. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:09:46 PM | I doubt that someone can be married to a repeat cheater for a couple of decades without having some sense of it. She already got at least one "angry husband" phone call. Likely that she does NOT WANT TO REALLY KNOW. Why are you all indignant about the hubby when your own best friend "flirt[s] when around each other and she doesn't TELL him to leave her alone?" Maybe the wife is getting fulfilled in other ways, doesn't like sex, or has her own lover. This is a mess of which you should steer clear. MYOB. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:13:32 PM | Daynadaze, you have a very distorted view of what is actually going on here and seem to be exaggerating some of it just so you can then enjoy condemning me (tho not in a "snotty tone" of course).
First, one is NOT the company one keeps, however fun it is to say that. I have NOT slept with this man--having had the opportunity--which immediately puts me in a different place from anyone who has.
Second, my good friend who has slept with him did it ONCE, fifteen years ago, when she was going through a very difficult divorce. She has had MANY opportunities to do it again since, and has not.
Third, I only know with CERTAINTY of one other woman who did this--and really I only know that she CLAIMS to have done it. There are no other women in this group, as it were, who have done so, and there certainly isn't a "circle of friends dropping their pants for him" (as you put it).
Fourth, we aren't a "group who hang out together," as something opposed to "really friends." In fact, we all live in separate towns now--as I've said before, I left the town we all lived in like fifteen years ago, and have not lived there again--and we only "hang out" a few times a year (and very rarely all together since we're rarely all together in the same place at the same time). We all ARE close. Two of us (me and the wronged wife) really bonded over support we've offered the third friend since her little girl died a few years ago. We do ALL love each other (while also knowing each other's weaknesses, for the most part), which is one of the things that makes this such a horrid thing.
The PROBLEM (for me) isn't what happened fifteen years ago. It sucks, and it haunts my friend, but I would not be raising this issue now in my own mind if it were just a question of this past fling, so long ago. No, it's HIM: As chancesrmd put it,
Maybe if the cheating husband would just stop it already, you would have a much easier time putting this to rest.
Fifth, I don't SUPPORT anything and I'm VERY frank with my friend over the fact that she doesn't tell him to piss off once and for all. But I also understand HER and know HER well enough to have a sense of what is going on there. It would NOT be MORAL of me to decide that she's just a horrible person and stop being her friend, just so I can then look down my nose at her as WORSE than me.
I know I put the story out there, but by way of getting advice as to what to do--NOT as an invitation to people to condemn those I love and suggest that the answer is to stop caring about them. That's NOT going to happen, so however fun it might be for people to express their moral outrage, it's not really constructive when it comes to this as an advice thread. Frankly, I find it very unlikely that so many people HERE have gone through their entire lives without ever stepping out of line, at least by a toe or two.
***
Edit: There's some more good advice up there. I'm going to take bits and clump them all together.
Keep being friends with my friends.
Continue to encourage the one to stop allowing the husband to write to her. Pull no punches about my disapproval....try to get her out of "victim" mode when it comes to him.
Have a more sensible reply ready if the wife tells me about another "phone call" or similar. Be honest if the conversation develops.
Stay away from the husband--see the wife as lady's lunch or girl's happy hour, etc.
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:22:12 PM | Go to a board meeting of the church deacons and RESPOND to one of his texts during the meeting.. THEN get up and announce his behaviors with a willingness to show the entire board his texts.. TELLING the board that you want him to stop bothering you.
"Those of us who do NOTHING, are to be blamed for the evils in the world" | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:34:59 PM | Op, I understand your wanting to maintain friendship with these people but I am going to point out one thing about the longest friend (the one that slept with the husband years ago).
You said this:
Fifth, I don't SUPPORT anything and I'm VERY frank with my friend over the fact that she doesn't tell him to piss off once and for all. But I also understand HER and know HER well enough to have a sense of what is going on there. It would NOT be MORAL of me to decide that she's just a horrible person and stop being her friend, just so I can then look down my nose at her as WORSE than me
You also understand that she went through a terrible divorce and that is what drove her to sleep with him back then. So now, she is in another miserable marriage? If it wasn't 'this guy' and you were in a relationship, would she hold herself back from doing the same with your man?
I had a friend the same as her. She was my friend since kindergarten. She eventually married my ex-husband's brother so that made us family. Well, it was at that point I found out about her attention seeking ways to the point of her taking advantage of a situation between me and my husband at one point.
So when people tell you to 'ditch your friends', it's not because we just want to see you friendless. It's a been there, done that situation. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:31:42 PM | Well.
I'd inform the wife via a 3rd party.
In a way that can't be traced back to you.
Otherwise it might come back and blow up on ya. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:59:41 PM |
You also understand that she went through a terrible divorce and that is what drove her to sleep with him back then. So now, she is in another miserable marriage? If it wasn't 'this guy' and you were in a relationship, would she hold herself back from doing the same with your man?
I had a friend the same as her. She was my friend since kindergarten. She eventually married my ex-husband's brother so that made us family. Well, it was at that point I found out about her attention seeking ways to the point of her taking advantage of a situation between me and my husband at one point.
I see what you are saying, and I appreciate that. I hope that "my man" wouldn't set about trying to seduce her, as this man did (and still does....try I mean). I think that if her agenda was to sleep with someone else's husband to make herself feel better as a regular thing, there's no reason why she wouldn't take the opportunity with this guy since he's made it clear he wants it and she does have some feeling for him.
I know the kind of woman you are talking about, and I've known women I would like to knock upside the head because they want so badly for each and every man to want THEM rather than the women they have actual relationships with. And I do understand the "if she did it to her, she'll do it to you" thing. Maybe it's problematic, but I do think that while she SHOULD be firmer with him about his continual come ons (and yes, I understand that on some level she allows it because it compliments her vanity), that the bigger problem is HIM and HIS vanity.
Anyway, right now I'm feeling kind of like I've betrayed all of them by even starting this discussion. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:32:18 PM | op,
if he's been cheating for that long & so many times, he doesn't feel remorse. it has become a way of life for him. doubt it'll change. not much you can do. he's not gonna change. the wife proably stays with him for money & position...and maybe even love...but he's so far beyond redemption... lost cause...do nothing...just avoid him...then again, perhaps it feeds your ego somehow or you enjoy the drama....don't know about that....only *you* know. at any rate, we all ultimately do what we want to do ... whether right, wrong, or somewhere in between... no changing this guy......... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:39:00 PM | OP, common sence please (you are a university professor).
She either suspects/knows after many years of such behavior or lives in a la-la land. With the first one she doesn't need to be notified. With the second one he is going to deny wrong-doing unless you will present her with tons of hard-core evidences (doubt you will collect many). That of course is going to destroy her...
But by hurting her you will not find the solution how to fix it. The past is past. And his current behavior is not going to change unless HE wants it. You told him NO. I bet if he is humping around town some said YES (you say he is good looking with cash). | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:13:10 PM |
Anyway, right now I'm feeling kind of like I've betrayed all of them by even starting this discussion.
Miss Nomadic,
You don't need to worry about betraying anyone, unless of course, you can't share this thread with the same loved ones you speak about?!
Seems to me you are just trying to find your/the moral ground in all this hush/mush?
This may or may not help you, but all morality does for us is restrict all the juice and energy of life to the confines of our minds, we then become dried up old prunes, and nothing can flow when we get to this place in our minds?!
Everything becomes black and white, and it's difficult for any constructive decision to be made, I would suggest you go out into nature, and get back in touch with what is essential too your well being.
Without knowing you or your situation, this suggestion may be a bit presumptuous of me , but I believe the answer to your question will come when you get back in touch with what is valuable too you?!
All the best,  | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:24:29 PM |
I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I SHOULD do NOTHING, and yet--he keeps doing these things and I HATE it. The series of text messages he recently sent me (asking for sex or at least phone sex) were lurid and completely inappropriate--and while I told him to fvck off he shows NO shame at all (I've seen them both since--and he does the brushing against and "oops" and suggestive comments thing). It's like he BELIEVES that he's got complete impunity, and he's right because NOBODY ever TELLS her. Meanwhile, he's a deacon in his church and just as "pious" as he can be. He's very well off and I think that it's unlikely that his wife really would actually divorce him for that reason (and the fact that they have fun together and are of a certain age and she LOVES him truly)....but I don't know and I feel like she should KNOW that she's being betrayed.
you've said no to him how many times??
this is sexual harassment.....drop kick that fuker through the uprights like a field goal
because that's what he deserves. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:30:25 PM |
I don't care for the adv ice to not tell the woman or find a way to let her know ina subtle way. Stop being a coward about the whole thing. Tell the woman and own up to your part in keeping her in the dark. I don't like when people tap dance around truth to protect themselves. Tell the truth and own the consequences. That is always the best way.
This would actually make sense if you didn't think about the phone call from the wronged husband. Does anyone really think some man is going to call them out of the blue and assert that his wife has had sex with a woman's husband if he doesn't have a pretty good reason to believe this is true? Ergo someone who does not believe the man isn't going to believe someone else probably even with photos. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:08:05 AM | There are many bitter and nosy person here.
OP, stop messing around with other people's life.
I'm shocked at so many poster have fixed idea of a marriage and want to enforce their idea of marriage onto other people. Narrow minded!
OP, focus on your own problem, don't be a biotch. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:18:30 AM |
I'd inform the wife via a 3rd party.
In a way that can't be traced back to you.
What a coward! You bend over backward to ruin other people's life. You know it, so you hide behind anonymity. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:46:08 AM |  Whatever gets you through the night OP, you put it out there and asked for opinions. That's my opinion given the info you provided. Again, the fact that you are in the middle of this mess speaks volumes, you could have stopped all of your part in it at any time,, but you didn't and haven't and won't. The drama  | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:57:38 AM | | I think you should sleep with him this way you will be better able to understand your friends attraction! | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:27:19 AM | Op, you are responsible for YOU.. mind your own business and remove yourself completely from the scenerio..
Your friend has made it clear that she values her financial setting more..
and you've stayed in a place to be harassed..
either address said harrassment with the powers that be(church) and let the fall-out happen or move out of reach.
but again you are responsible for controling your environment not the women he is having affairs with or his wife. imo | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:40:10 PM |
Op, you are responsible for YOU.. mind your own business and remove yourself completely from the scenerio..
After reading several posts from the OP I think the advice above is good.
OP, you seem to have a hot button for the husband yet you defend his former mistresse' behaviour. You also excuse her cheating with the husband.
If you think your friends behaviour was justified because she was in a bad marriage, why do you not do the same with the husband? Assume he is in a bad marriage.
Cheating is cheating. You cannot justify one slut while condeming another slut. Besides, if you tell, I think there may be a lot more things that would come out in the open. For example, when speaking of your friend (husband's lover) and how she feels about it:
It sucks, and it haunts my friend,
It contradicts your other claim:
but they flirt when around each other and she doesn't TELL him to leave her alone
I am beginning to believe you like your friends just for the drama. Given these posts:
and I know of a third "friend" who SAYS she recently slept with him, just two months ago. I have no idea what he does.......But all that aside, I KNOW he cheats with friends of his wife... regularly
I think you're misguided. I beg to differ about the following:
First, one is NOT the company one keeps, however fun it is to say that
I disagree with you. Although you are not involved sexually, you are living the drama vicariously through your friends lives. Gossiping and starting this thread is simply a perpetuation of the situation... authored by you.
If you stick your nose in deeper, you may end up finding out that your friend is not that haunted by the wife's hubby.
This is getting to be like high school drama | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:26:20 PM |
you are living the drama vicariously through your friends lives.
think there's an element of truth in that statement. if it trips her trigger, so be it. ...but as i said, this guy ain't gonna change...he doesn't want to...it's become a way of life...and he's quite content with it! | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:31:02 PM | ^^^ Not only is he content with it, he knows he doesn't HAVE to change. His wife and her friends are actually going along with it. Looking at it from his perspective, why should he change? He may feel that he has nothing to lose; from what we're told by the OP, the wife is the one who thinks she will lose (lifestyle-wise).
Personally, I'd back away from the drama, but some folks thrive on it. ~shrug~ | |
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