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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:44:53 PM | | Your group of friends all seem to get quite busy :). Maybe he is charmer and has the equipment to match it. Leave yourself out this mess - you will only get grief. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:07:38 PM | By carrying other people's dirty secrets for them, you are dirtying your own soul. You are not required to lug that stuff around. It doesn't belong to you. Don't feel bad for sharing, and it also sounds like you are prepared for some denial from the wife too. Even if she denies the truth, at least you aren't carrying it anymore, and by telling her, you are doing the right thing too. Your best friend on the other hand-you have known her long enough that I would think it would be safe to confront her and tell her that you know what she has been doing, do not approve, love her, but cannot continue to hang out with a homewrecker. She too, will probably get defensive, lie or try to outmaneuver you. If you are prepared for that ahead of time, things will go smoother-In fact, you can even tell her when she/if she bristles that you expected such a kneejerk reaction, but that does not change your stance. Good for you for noticing that this is intolerable, and I wish you the strength to give the mess back to those who made it instead of implicating innocent bystanders Wiyan | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:16:26 AM |
I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details. I would say at best she is ignoring it and just pretending everything is fine or just ignoring small clues.
i would wholeheartedly agree.....
there is NO WAY that she doesnt know, if she acknowledges it and confronts him, she loses an awful lot, they may have an understanding that he does what he wants, discreetly, and she accepts it for the lifestyle he provides for her... (i think you said he was quite wealthy..)
i would just let him know you want no invovlement in this and that if he txts again you will show the wife the txts.. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:50:43 AM | I would only be concerned with his behavior towards you. The next text, email or off color remark should be answered immediately with a warning that you WILL go to his wife the next time and you are 100% serious. Be upfront and let him know that you will follow through.
The friend who flirts? Loves every minute of the attention from him, she encourages it and gets off on it. Not the kind of person I would want as a friend. She cheats, lies pursues and then b1tches about it? She is as bad as he is. How can she even look his wife in the eye?
As far as your fear of being the messenger, trust me she knows who and what he is unless she is a complete moron. So either fu*k the guy , tell the wife or put up with his crap forever your choice. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:43:29 PM | | It probably won't do any good to say anything, and if this guy hits on you again and you tell his wife, she'll probably exclude you from her circle of friends - quite the reward for telling her about it, eh? | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:52:50 PM | | most men only cheat when they have women that dont satisfy them sexually, women, especially north american women have to understand this this 'victim' mentality has to stop,aas well as the male bashing, its most probably hrt fault he is forced to cheat | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:02:29 PM | he is forced to cheat ???? OMG!! I think you will find that MOST people who cheat do so because they are emotionally immature, can't commit and/or have insatiable egos - NOT insatiable sexual appetites.  :
Good name by the way ... you are obviously tripping! | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:04:22 PM | This has been answered many times, but basically telling your friend about texts and flirting that occurs from now on is the only way to go. Don't advise her of past indiscretions, it's not worth the effort and she'll dismiss it as rumors. I understand you want to clear your guilty conscience, but don't do it at the expense of everyone else. There is no reason to hurt your other friends who have no desire to be involved in your plan to tell her everything.
EDIT: I decided to go back and read a few more posts, wish I had read everything beforehand, because now I have a better understanding of what's going on.
1. I hadn't realized how old you were or that you were a professor (an educator).
This is relevant because it tells me you are smart enough and have attained enough worldly experience to just know better than to keep yourself in a bad situation.
2.I hadn't read your snide comments to daynadaze.
This is relevant because it shows your immaturity.
3.I hadn't read your updates regarding the relationships and timeframes.
This is relevant because you need to stop pretending that your friend is blameless or that you took the moral high ground. Your friend did what she did knowing full well the consequences and she continues to put herself in that situation. Furthermore you could at any point remove yourself from this but you choose not to, because you don't want your friend to think you look down your nose at her, but it's too late "BECAUSE YOU DO" . You think you are better than her and you can't deny it, not only that, but you want to be the better 'man' by not severing your friendship. This all refers back to the immaturity that I mentioned before.
4.I hadn't read your profile to find out your political views and your likes and dislikes
This isn't relevant but I have to say I wish you didn't hate people of the conservative persuasion so much.
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:30:05 PM | Well, posters here have convinced me that the wife probably DOES know what is going on....and that even if she doesn't, that's probably a deliberate denial. So....I'm going to keep my counsel when it comes to her unless she raises the issue with me directly.
I'll also tell the guy, IF he flirts with me again, that if he does it again I'll tell his wife.
I'm going to answer the above post directly, just because I think it is based on some pretty bizarre assumptions. And then I'm pretty sure I'm done with this thread.
1. I hadn't realized how old you were or that you were a professor (an educator).
This is relevant because it tells me you are smart enough and have attained enough worldly experience to just know better than to keep yourself in a bad situation.
Being a professor does NOT train one either to HURT their friends OR withhold information from them without concern and even guilt. I have a lot of life experience, I suppose, but I've never either cheated on a partner or been (to my knowledge) cheated on. Nevertheless, if you think I'm demonstrating a naivete here, then fine--but it's hardly something corrected by a scolding. Being a professor of history ALSO doesn't mean knowing how to just up and abandon relationships with people you care about and who care about you. I don't think "worldly experience" teaches you that either.....unless you think it necessarily turns people into hardhearted, jaded harpies.
2.I hadn't read your snide comments to daynadaze.
This is relevant because it shows your immaturity.
LOL. Well that's descriptive--thanks! I told her I thought she was providing an exaggerated version of the story I told so that she could then express a certain level of moral outrage over it. I don't really think that's "snide" (for snide, perhaps see HER post describing me as one of a group of friends--who aren't really friends--all lining up to dr2op their pants for this man!). And I stand by what I said. Making a critical observation, as long as it isn't unfair, is not (I think) a sign of immaturity. Perhaps its a sign of sensitivity (or defensiveness) and I admit I felt defensive at some of her comments, as I do at some of yours.
3.I hadn't read your updates regarding the relationships and timeframes.
This is relevant because you need to stop pretending that your friend is blameless or that you took the moral high ground. Your friend did what she did knowing full well the consequences and she continues to put herself in that situation. Furthermore you could at any point remove yourself from this but you choose not to, because you don't want your friend to think you look down your nose at her, but it's too late "BECAUSE YOU DO" . You think you are better than her and you can't deny it, not only that, but you want to be the better 'man' by not severing your friendship. This all refers back to the immaturity that I mentioned before.
I don't think my friend is blameless, and I don't think I'm better than her: neither of us are defined wholly by this ONE situation. I defended against the "you are the company you keep" statement because frankly I think it's ASININE, whether pertaining to THIS or any other situation. It's just one of those things that people say that really has NO meaning whatsoever. It's MORE accurate to say that you are JUDGED by the company you keep....
Anyway, one of the things that I find frustrating is that you would think, from the tone of YOUR post and some others, that THIS and ONLY THIS is what matters in my relationship with the people I'm discussing here. I sit here ASTOUNDED that you would presume to suggest that the reason I remain in a relationship with my closest friend of 28 years is because I want to be the "better man" by not ending it. This thing I've so unwisely put up for inspection here (a mistake I'll never make again) is one element in a much longer and larger story--and a relatively insignificant one when it comes to MY relationship with HER. My CONCERN--the thing I posted about--was the problem of whether to out the husband to the other friend, his wife, with whom I have a much shorter (and yet close) friendship. In that respect it boils down to a "do I tell the wife" question--and maybe I should have just searched the forums for relevant threads rather than posting this. One poster suggested that this was just all drama drama drama, and maybe he or she was right--and now that I've stepped outside the thing a bit and read some of the GOOD ADVICE here I can see that better.
But whatever, if you think being unsure about what to do in a situation like this is immature, then fine--but don't pretend that you KNOW that a woman with a question like mine is SO FREAKIN' SHALLOW that her friendships mean as little to her (and serve no purpose but mere vanity) as you suggest here.
4.I hadn't read your profile to find out your political views and your likes and dislikes
This isn't relevant but I have to say I wish you didn't hate people of the conservative persuasion so much.
You are right. It isn't relevant. And btw, the women I'm discussing in these emails--both of whom I care DEEPLY for--are VERY conservative republicans........FOX news watchers....BUSH lovers.....
So guess what--another assumption exploded.
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:57:23 PM | Are you kidding OP? You brought this up, you said there are at least two women in your group (how big is this group) who have screwed this woman's husband and that he hit on you (and how many others?) and that you are the best friend of the one who keeps flirting with this man after sleeping with him once years ago behind her friend's back. So she and the woman are friends, right, and you weren't their friend but are now but didn't see them for many years???? This whole who is whose friend and who even sees each other on a friendship level is very unclear. You don't screw your friend's husband, once or every weekend, you are no one's friend if you screw their husband, nor do you keep up the hitting on each other for fifteen years and yet whine about his attention. Really? This is so high school as to be laughable, except you keep saying it's all serious and happening. So just whose friend are you? How many of you are close friends as opposed to people who hang out together, because remember no one who is flirting with or screwing with someones husband or keeping all this from someone is that person's friend, so yeah, some of you are just hanging out.
You are feeling pretty superior to those who sleep with this man and to posters who give opinions you don't like  I think most here have your number but protest all you want. You are and have been in the middle of a whole lot of drama by adults who act like horny teenagers with no self-control, you call these people your friends and think yourself a friend to them even when treating this man's wife like a joke. What part of all this drama and lying do you see as mature? If you do not extract yourself from all this lying, cheating and drama, then you are most certainly a part of it.
This group reminds me of the scene in the movie Something To Talk About where Julia Roberts stands up at a women's meeting and asks how many of them have had sex with her husband. If this wife did this, how many of you could honestly answer no and how many would think themselves a friend after either being with her husband or lying to her for years?  | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:42:29 PM | Weep.
Daynadaze, No, I'm not kidding. If you read other posters' comments you will see that you are not speaking for everyone when you condemn me for not having told this woman about what her husband does. Why do you act as if this is somehow an OBVIOUS thing I should have done, when so many other posters also express doubt that it would have been the right thing to do before now, or would be the right thing to do now?
You continue to ask me questions. I'll try to answer them although I can't really hope that it will change your opinion. But in the end, isn't it kind of obvious that if I HAD all the answers or was at all sure that up to now I've been doing the "right thing," I wouldn't have posted seeking advice in the first place?
Are you kidding OP? You brought this up, you said there are at least two women in your group (how big is this group) who have screwed this woman's husband and that he hit on you (and how many others?) and that you are the best friend of the one who keeps flirting with this man after sleeping with him once years ago behind her friend's back.
Yes, I am best friends with the woman who did that.
I know of her and a second woman who says she has slept with him (very recently, while the wife was on a mission in South America).
I have no idea how many other women have slept with him, but I'm confident that he hasn't slept with any other friends of mine.
The "group" isn't like some kind of gang where we hang out together all the time. As I've said a number of times, we all live in different towns and get together for certain things--holidays, my summers "home" (where the couple in question live--and my best friend usually visits while I'm there and we all get together), and things we do several times a year for fund raising (we're all involved in a scholarship raising charity, named for my best friend's deceased daughter). As I said before, it's in that context that I've become close to the wronged wife...and it's also those activities which have brought us into contact with the third woman who now says she's slept with the husband (she's not a "close" friend of mine).
So she and the woman are friends, right, and you weren't their friend but are now but didn't see them for many years???? This whole who is whose friend and who even sees each other on a friendship level is very unclear.
I'll try to make it crystal clear, if that will help. (Do you really want to know? Will it affect your feelings about this?)
When my best friend married her ex-husband, HIS best friend was this man (the philanderer). That was in the early 1990s. I wasn't a fan of my best friend's husband at that time, and didn't mix much with her and HIS friends. This was in TX.
I moved to NY in 1993, and shortly after that her marriage ended, badly. HE (the philanderer) helped her build and buy a house and move (as good "friends" do), and that was the context in which "it" happened. I moved from NY to England in 1996 and stayed there until 2005, during which I saw her (my best friend) once or twice a year. After I moved back (in 2005) she and I spent a lot more time together again, having never lost our "tell each other everything" relationship. During that time she was there for me in my post-divorce agony (and by then she was married to her present husband and had two beautiful children--twins). And obviously I knew what she had done (since the night it happened) but didn't REALLY get to know the married couple in question (beyond casual acquaintance) until her (my best friend's) five- year old daughter (my god daughter) died shortly after I moved back to the US.
That death threw us all together, and it was during the funeral week (when the wronged wife was in Africa on a charity mission) that I saw HIM working again on trying (unsuccessfully) to seduce my friend--during her worst period. (It's also during that week that he first hit on me AND the third woman that he has, apparently, recently slept with). HER (my best friend's) marriage, as is often the case, has really gotten shaky since their daughter's death, and I KNOW this (both her bereavement and her marital problems) makes her vulnerable.
Does that or has that excused her lack of firmness in telling this man to fuck off? No. Does it make her "feel good" to have his attention, even though she TELLS him that it'll never happen again? Yes. Have I given her all kinds of shit about it? Yes. Does it make me feel superior to her? No. Am I in a position to say, with certainty, that if I was going through the shit she has and is I wouldn't find some solace--if just as some kind of vanity thing-- where it presents itself? No. Am I going to abandon her because of THIS? No. And has she slept with him again? NO.
You don't screw your friend's husband, once or every weekend, you are no one's friend if you screw their husband, nor do you keep up the hitting on each other for fifteen years and yet whine about his attention. Really? This is so high school as to be laughable, except you keep saying it's all serious and happening.
It's really not "high school" and if it was, there wouldn't be marriages and divorces and children (both living and dead) caught up in the whole angst-driven mess. The two sons of the philanderer and his wife call my best friend "mom"--she's known and loved them all their lives. The wronged wife is directer of the scholarship charity (of which I'm secretary) dedicated to the memory of my best friend's daughter. The third woman is the director of the golf tournament which annually raises money for that same charity. My best friend also has a son (twin of the dead daughter) who we all adore and worry about because he's had such difficulty dealing with his sister's death and because we worry about the effect on him of his parents' marital problems. While it might SEEM childish in the sexual politics of the situation, by no means are the LIVES involved and CONCERNS I have really about "high school" BS.
So just whose friend are you?
Both of them. Not so much the third woman--I am not really close to her.
How many of you are close friends as opposed to people who hang out together, because remember no one who is flirting with or screwing with someones husband or keeping all this from someone is that person's friend, so yeah, some of you are just hanging out.
Hopefully I've answered this, now, maybe?
You are feeling pretty superior to those who sleep with this man and to posters who give opinions you don't like I think most here have your number but protest all you want.
I'm not sure what exactly it is that I'm protesting. But I understand if you think I was being rude to you. But tell me--do you think I would have a leg to stand on in my concern about all this is I HAD slept with him? Do I have more of a leg (as it were) than I would if I HAD? Honestly, weird as it may seem, I'd probably be more likely to feel ABLE to spill the beans if it were REALLY my own beans that I was spilling.
You are and have been in the middle of a whole lot of drama by adults who act like horny teenagers with no self-control, you call these people your friends and think yourself a friend to them even when treating this man's wife like a joke. What part of all this drama and lying do you see as mature? If you do not extract yourself from all this lying, cheating and drama, then you are most certainly a part of it.
If I saw her as a joke, I wouldn't give a damn. She's a wonderful, charitable, loving, beautiful woman. I love her and admire the hell out of her. I DO obviously feel guilty and uncertain of my own role in this secret keeping, what it has been and should be, or I wouldn't have posted asking for advice.
This group reminds me of the scene in the movie Something To Talk About where Julia Roberts stands up at a women's meeting and asks how many of them have had sex with her husband. If this wife did this, how many of you could honestly answer no and how many would think themselves a friend after either being with her husband or lying to her for years?
Two would answer yes, if it came to it and they were being honest.
I KNOW I'm her friend, and if her marriage were to come apart due to this or any other reason, I'd be there for her in any capacity I could. If I told her that I knew what he had done and hadn't told her, and that he'd flirted with me as well (and I've NEVER given him an INCH in that regard), she might decide not to be friends with me, which I would hate but understand. But again, if I was certain that I'd been doing the right thing all along I wouldn't have posted--a part of me KNOWS that strictly speaking I haven't been doing the "right and moral" thing by keeping these things from her. I've obviously got divided loyalties here, which is why it's a "problem" to begin with.
Again, I don't think there's a consensus behind what you think I should do, or should have done ages ago. I've benefited from much of the advice here and made a decision about what to do as things go....as I've said in previous posts. I'm sorry that I got defensive after your first post on this thread--I just felt that there was a real disconnect between what you were describing and what is actually happening in MY life, where these things matter and lives are affected (and can possibly be destroyed) in ways that transcend moral absolutes. I have no desire to compromise anyone's happiness, and I do find it difficult sometimes to negotiate that with what one envisions as "moral duty." I don't think I'm alone in that. Do you?
Perhaps you will just write me off again as "protesting too much" or being immature or whatever. But I KNOW it's not as simple as that. I DO think that I've had trouble seeing the forest for the trees and that possibly because of all the pain contextualizing some of this stuff (with my little god daughter's death) I've amplified the DRAMA somewhat in my own mind (because it's all JUST been SO dramatic, especially with my best friend's grief, which not-surprisingly continues), and maybe I needed some slappity slap to get around that (and there is obviously NOBODY close to me that knows all these people who I can talk to about all this). But I remain firm in my feeling that the WORST sinner in this situation is the philandering husband, and I'm not willing to believe that either I or EVEN my best friend is on the same page as him in the book of badness.
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:17:12 PM | I've never had any problem with diffusing inappropriate approaches.
Don't get it.
Think you like it.
Not a friend.
Discussion is a waste of time. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:49:32 PM | | I don't think this sounds like a real drama and i don't think the op is getting off on it. I think that her loyalty is to be commended really. I think a lot of people would be quite judgmental in this situation and she seems to be stating everything matter of factly. I think that this is one of those things that have dragged on for various reasons because of all the parties roles and situations so it has never really been nipped in the bud. It happens like that sometimes. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:56:13 PM | Most marriage therapists and psychologist note that most wives know the husband is not being faithful. There are just to many signs. So if someone chooses to stay with someone who isn't faithful, its probably due to financial or other reasons. And their choice.
And if an irate spouse has called and told the faithful spouse that their spouse is boinking others and they have done this in the past its called a track record and is none of my business.Until the guy gets me involved and then I would save the text messages and emails and read him the riot act in front of his wife.
Dont allow any drama like this in my life!
~Beth~ | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:24:26 PM | It would make me damn embarassed.
Make me feel like crap.
I would be angry as hell!
but I would still want to know.
...and I am speaking from experience here... having recently found out about a situation that happened in 1993... a good 14 years before the divorce...and before we had kids. Would of been nice to know the info then...apparently they were trying not to hurt me by telling me. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:55:33 PM | | Bust that POS out and be done with it.You say she's your friend,then prove it. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:51:46 AM | | You should stay out of their business. They may have an open marriage and she may be OK with it. In upper class society lots of rich guys have girlfriends because they can. It is just part of being a rich guy always has been always will be. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:32:52 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Probably the most illogical thing I have ever read on POF!
so...cheating is a 'sport' for the rich...and is a taken activity?.. part of the lifestyle....lol oh my goodness!
ya.... ya.. I get it.. I do.. Grandpa had his 'dancing partner'...the lady he took out to society parties in the old country... I get it...my grandmother apparently knew about it... it was way back when... and there was little she could do back then...early 1950s.
Still didn't make it right or excusable.
Not a very good friend if you sit back and witness something wrong and do nothing.
would anyone even consider a very detailed anonymous note to the injured party? | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:46:21 PM | OP: My goodness - this is a soap opera!!!
You need new friends, Lady. My FRIENDS and their respective husbands wouldn't dare pull this shit on each other, much less with their friends. What kind of people are you associating yourself with?
As far as that woman's husband sending you texts - the 1st time he sent his inappropriate text, I would have jumped in my car and done a b-line to his house (showed his wife). In addition of putting him in check with his behavior towards you.
What your other friend does with this man is none of your business and you should stay out of it. They are all grown adults and if they want to play with fire - let their asses burn in hell................
I bet his wife is well aware of his cheating ways, and since he's rich she may just be looking the other way.
What a group of pitiful individuals........... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:02:10 PM | | mental note to self dont visit arkansas with wife and does he play golf with president clinton. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:28:01 AM | MYOB
U R dammed if U tell (she may turn on U)
& dammed if U don't. (she may not be happy that U didn't tell)
U will lose either way. MYOB | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:02:08 PM | | Send the text you got from the husband to his wife. If she doesn't believe you? then, it is time to X both of them and find friends that don't have baggage and drama in life. You are problematic on other people's issues and drama. Do yourself a favor and stay away from these people who cheat and create drama that you do not want to be part of. End of the story and Good luck to you. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:10:45 AM | op and dayna...it's high school and it's drama and I agree with dayna...op is as much a participant in keeping it going as is anyone else.
just walk away | |
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