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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:18:27 PM | There's no doubt that a meaningful relationship is built on "stuff" other then money, but lets keep reality in check here. We need money to pay bills, buy food, have shelter and clothes, and it would be nice to have some left over for a social life. Money doesn't buy you happiness, but life can be much better when you're not up to your neck in financial problems. Stuff like that can destroy relationships.
Some people buy into the stereotype that men should be the provider, while others believe that it's a team effort whereby both the man and woman contribute equitably. The latter will not look for a provider, but it will be important for a potential partner to have independence, stability, and the means to come to the table on an equal keel. If you don't possess these qualities, then you'll end up being dependent on your partner, and most of us (particularly women) don't want that in a potential partner.
Just finished a great book by Steve Harvey, (yes-the comedian) Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man....
That book is about stereotypes and one man's opinion. My opinion on that book is he wrote it to appease his target market - stereotypical women. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:18:43 PM | op,
lots of things come to mind. the money issue men don't care for is not much different than the looks issue women don't care for. whatever the currency, it's a bartering system of sorts. anyway, he/she who offers the most, gets the biggest spoils.
in addition, money often represents more than just money to people. it can represent excitement, glamour, ... or even just having something on the ball...etc to people. therein (beyond the basics) lies its draw.......
people rarely are attracted to anything they feel is lesser (there's just no psychological draw)...they usually want equal or better.... | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:30:50 PM | Men that can provide finances and stability tend to be confident men....So is it REALLY the material things that women are attracted to OR is it confidents?
I have always been attracted to confident men, the above statement is so true. I have never consiously thought about material things. For some people material things are not an issue, they are just part of life... Why would you change that...
I have always had the belief you date your equal, better, but not below...
I don't need a man for his finances, but I do appreciate someone who has experienced some of the same life experiences and a quality life I have had. I am drawn to men who have similiar morals and upbringing, its where I feel comfortable.
PeggyI said : If you read my profile you will see that I am seeking someone who is intelligent, articulate and self sufficient. I need someone who is capable not only of being a part of my personal life, but also participating in my public life, which requires a certain degree of polish and presentability. I do not consider this to be anything other than an admission of reality. I would not be able to date someone who was uncomfortable in certain circumstances, was unable to converse with the people I deal with on a personal and professional basis everyday, and felt that he could not accompany me to certain places/events because of a degree of fiscal embarrassment.
Well said. This is real life for some people. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:31:50 PM | I was in a situation just once where he made a ton more money then me. It was horrible. He threatened me every day (he was verbally/mentally abusive - that is another story). He told me every day to "get the hell out". I had nowhere to go and not enough money to be on my own.
For me, I just don't ever want to be in that situation again where I am so dependent on a man that I feel stuck and can't leave.
When x husband and I started living together 10 years ago, we split EVERYTHING 50/50 from the beginning to the end. We bought the house and when we sold it during the divorce we split the profit 50/50 (and it was a nice profit).
I don't want to support anyone and I don't want to be supported. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:43:47 PM |
no money..no honey.
Damn right!! Not because I want some dudes money, I just dont want anyone moochin off mine.
^T^ | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:54:25 PM |
I have always had the belief you date your equal, better, but not below...
Now if you're dating better... wouldn't that mean he is dating below? | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:01:47 PM |
Now if you're dating better... wouldn't that mean he is dating below?
OOPS! Now you just had to go and say it, did you now? | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:03:34 PM | [Women seem to want to be viewed as the only gender objectified for things other than their "personality", or "inner beauty".
They don't want to acknowledge any double standard that doesn't favour them.
That's fine. In an open forum, they'll get called out on it.]
But, verityone, lest not forget that it was a MAN who started this thread, and a MAN to whose post he was referring. Given the most often undisputed fact (on these forums, at least) that it is men who make first contact, and, aside from sex, choose with whom they want to be, logic would indicate that the standards favor the men.
Of course there are golddiggers, but one can argue (me, from personal experience) that men don't want to be viewed as being objectified as "sugar daddys" because those with cash USE that fact to attract women. There are many differences between the genders; refusal to acknowledge double standards is NOT one of them. You reap what you sow. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:05:59 PM | [OP, you posted on another thread that women who need nothing from a guy make you feel you're not needed, so you tend to like women who are more dependent, and that there's nothing wrong with relationship charity. I'm confused - which do you want?
If you don't like a woman who takes care of herself because you feel left out, but you fear women who may require you to spend on them to get anywhere - what's left? ]
Regarding the post you were refering to I made reference that I had no problem helping a women that was in need, not nessesarily a relationship I want permanent for myself. I believe in charity if you can and have the ability to help but that isnt what this forum is about.
I lived through the late 50s to today and have seen how social norms have shifted for both sexes. Men were once relied upon to be the bread winners and women the homemaker/caregiver but that was in the 50s and 60's and is no longer the norm in todays society. Women have progessed from homemaker to feminism, to equal rights to equal pay for equal job. Finances in most part are two saleries needed to make a household family succeed. Both men and women today can afford to make it alone as single people which is evident by the large number of single households. Men have seen a shift to being less needed to women for support but as equals. As a man what I still see is some women have held on old stigmas that men should be footing the bills which is not looked upon favorably by many men and women. But I still hear it not so here, such as "no money, no honey" and the like. What I can tell is that our society will continue to have its problems and the need for smaller single residences will grow and probably outpace the need for multiroom family residential units as people opt for independece in both the sexes. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:13:50 PM | | If a woman dates a guy who is "above," then does that not mean that he's settling? Ugh! What an awful way to view one's self, to say that you only date those who will settle for you. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:20:59 PM | "I still can't believe you dated the Russian gold-digger."
^^^^the problem with those russian chicks is sooner or later, they become americanized... | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:22:41 PM | "If a woman dates a guy who is "above," then does that not mean that he's settling?"
^^^^ he's getting her looks, eh??? they both trade up....just a difference in currency | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:27:27 PM |
A guy commented regarding women and quality of life. It went like this, if you cant provide for her why should she stay around. As sadly a statement as it sounds, I come to agree in many situations, men have no chance at a successful relation if they cant provide finances, stability, and other check lists many women have regarding essentials for a relationship. I cant help to think are we as a society that shallow, bypassing good people for holding out on material gains, and loosing characteristics, chance at love in the name of materials?
I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't the exact opposite of the picture you're presenting of women in the above statement. Raised by a single working mother, I have always known that the cost to women of that kind of dependency can be somewhat catastrophic when or if hubby decides to pull stakes so I have always worked hard for my "equality" regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not. On the other hand, I have known a number of men whose only reason to be with a woman was whether or not she was willing to support him. In the past few years, I've seen a very real increase in women being the primary providers for their spouses and children.
I think the "guy" who made that comment needs to pull his thinking forward to this decade because what most women over 25 are looking for NOW is a guy who is mature enough to accept the responsibility of going to work and someone who is capable of carrying his own weight.
From what I am seeing, there are now as many men as women looking for someone to provide for them and this is worse in the older years where a guy who has partied his life away now realizes that he has no pensions or savings as he ages.
Unless there are children under school age in a marriage or one spouse is disabled in some way, I don't see any reason for both people not to be working outside the home. For a great number of us, men have neither been seen as the "providers" in the past, nor will they ever be. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:29:45 PM | In a relationship especially if you are raising a family, home, food, education, medicine, clothing, security, etc. are basic necessities. And all these basic necessities need money. If a woman asks her partner to contribute with these, do not equate that for being shallow or materialistic. It is not being materialistic but being realistic. Materialistic is when you are able to provide all those basics and your partner demand more that is beyond your means. But if you are a man who can't provide or contribute even to the basics needs I wonder what are the good characteristics that a woman has bypassed from a man?
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:48:51 PM |
Now if you're dating better... wouldn't that mean he is dating below?
Margo, you're assuming men and woman think alike..the truth is they don't. Men do invest more time and energy on building their ego's moreso than women...stroke a man's ego and I bet any woman can get what she wants... | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:45:18 PM | I'm just going to say this. If you don't play by the rules, the rules don't apply to you. If you can't keep a woman around because you can't provide for her, then that's only the case because it's what you believe and you're acting in a way that causes her to believe it as well.
You are creating your own reality by your belief system. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:03:20 PM | After over 40 years of the militant feminist movement..
It's about time women PROVE once and for all that Golddigging is NOT genetic!
Offer and SIGN A PRENUP. It's that simple.. THEN all men will know you LOVE them for that Beautiful inner-poor-starving-student that he once was.
Ya cant have it both ways. A prenup guarantees the love is there when the poor part of:
"Sickness & Health, Richer or POORer" section in the vows.
I'll tell you the NEATEST and BEST thing about dating at my age.. Since I DONT date fertile women, the whole consideration about having to PROVIDE for the number of times she wants to FEEL like a woman by cranking out a kid.. is gone.
The whole equation of what each of us wants in life is different now. The women I meet dont have the same drives as young women do. It's fascinating to be WANTED more than NEEDED. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:07:38 PM |
Offer and SIGN A PRENUP. It's that simple.. THEN all men will know you LOVE them for that Beautiful inner-poor-starving-student that he once was.
But that would make a man cheap and unattractive. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:11:19 PM | "but that would make a man cheap and unattractive"
ONLY in the eyes of a GOLDDIGGER.
Are you saying that she is GOING to take my suggestion and use it as a TEST???
NOW she is a MANIPULATIVE Golddigger | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:15:12 PM | | I was being facetious. I've heard it a million times in the forums...some women think it's unattractive for men to talk about money. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:17:15 AM | 1kindman[[[I'll tell you the NEATEST and BEST thing about dating at my age.. Since I DONT date fertile women, the whole consideration about having to PROVIDE for the number of times she wants to FEEL like a woman by cranking out a kid.. is gone.]]]
An anti woman post if I ever saw one. That's fine, that you're dating infertile women. But when did being a Mom become a bad thing? Your post really puts women down, who are interested in having children. I was a stay at home Mom, when my kids were young. It didn't make me feel like more or less of a woman. WTF? | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:22:28 AM |
some women think it's unattractive for men to talk about money
I think what is unattractive is when some guys carryon about their worth or materialistic stuff. Being considerate and nice goes a long way than material means. | |
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| Love,Quality of life and who pays
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:37:50 AM | I've always felt it was more about the team effort. A healthy couple should both contribute to their well-being. I think we see so many relationship problems when two people get together who don't have the same financial values. I don't mesh well with guys who are all about the almighty dollar, but I find ambition and a good work ethic very attractive. I try to bring those same qualities to a relationship.
Based on what I've personally witnessed, and from what I've seen on the forums, this seems to be less a gender issue, and more a giver/taker issue. For every man who has supported a woman for years, there's a woman who's done the same for a man. I know I have, lol. Maybe those who are less driven are attracted to the industrious, and vice versa. Provider types, male and female, are attracted to those who are needy. So the key is to try to avoid this imbalance, no matter how appealing. | |
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