| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:21:05 AM | These first meets you have are way to long..
Try short ones and see if you get the same response. (or lack of)
An hour is enough. JMO | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:27:54 AM | The bottom line is you felt a connection with this guy because of the conversations and time spent. Understandable! I completely get why you feel confused and hurt.
Some guys are authentic and follow through in a manner that makes sense and some do not. There is no figuring it out. The only thing you can do is what many other posters have expressed: go slowly. Keep your "sensors" on high and your "feelings" on low. Time spent with consistent, trust-building follow-through is important although even that doesn't guarantee anything.
You gotta know that the dating scene can be brutal. If you're gonna ride, you're gonna slide.  | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:35:04 AM |
Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
I call it "dateonomics" With a divorce rate of 50% or better,
There is a plethora of "Available" people to choose from .
It's bad enough to try to make a good "first impression" , but now , you have to avoid reminding anybody of their "ex".
At the end of the day , you realize they're single for a reason. (In other words, if they were a "keeper" , they wouldn't be single !) | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:17:15 AM | As another poster mentioned, the question should be "Why did THESE TWO MEN do this?"
I'm not sure it's a case of men not knowing what they want. Back when I was in my teens and 20's I often found it took about 3 months to really get to know a person. Even at that, you didn't really get a true picture until you went away for a couple of days. With our lives being more complex now, I can see that happening more frequently.
As far as the first guy you mentioned, yes, it could be a case of he-is-messed-up-itis. It could also be something as simple as he accidentally deleted your voicemail (I did that the other day with a client's call when listening to the messages remotely). It could also be something like a death or crisis in the family. I had both happen last week but I wasn't in any budding relationships at the time.
For me, if I date for a while and it doesn't work out I tend to take away the pleasant memories from the experience. e.g. if you go out and have some nice dinners together and then it doesn't work out, you still had nice dinners together. Carpe Diem. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:23:50 AM | I hear you... but the answer is simple.
1. Just because a date meant something to you does not mean it meant anything to him. In other words, a guy can seem to be attentive, and have a good time on a date... but he's doing that just to be cordial and make the best of a situation. Don't make the common mistake of thinking the guy feels like you do. A "good date" can merely mean a pleasant time with somebody you don't dislike.
2. Guys on dating sites go after more than 1 woman... often times 3-4-5. You are in his hierarchy of women. Where you fall has a lot to do with your looks, and annoyance/high-maintenance ratio. Don't forget to include your willingness to put out too. If you have a nice date, but other women are "better".... you drop lower in the hierarchy. You may eventually fall below the "I don't give a $hit" line... and he'll blow you off altogether. He MAY revisit your status down the line if/when his other prospects die out... that's when they make their grand reappearance and attempt to pick up where they left off, hoping you didn't notice or have low self esteem enough to give hem another shot.
Sound like possibilities?? | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:28:05 AM | | I have to agree with jakeya99. I believe all people have a "dating hierarchy" of one sort or another. I know I do, but if I am not into the guy at first, I wouldn't ever be into him, so nothing would change my mind. I do believe that women who have a nice time on a date think this will lead to more dates. I guess men don't. And yes, if someone did not call me back for a second date soon, then I heard from him months later, I would assume he ran out of the "good" dates and was recycling me! LOL! Good luck with that. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:47:58 AM | Hi OP...
You said you guys made a "tentative date..." but you called him the next night after your first date. Even though he expressed a lot of interest (by your account he asked twice if you wanted to see him again/when can he see you again), it might be that he is someone who likes his ego fed, but at the same time likes the chase...Could be he got scared off when you called him, and so soon after your marathon meet!
Don't call him again and see if he calls you. If not, you haven't lost anything because as much fun/connection you had it ultimately didn't pan out, nor did he have the maturity to get back to you. On the other hand, he might yet call if you give him space.
Best... | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:51:45 AM | | Ok..go back and read what you just wrote...it's as plain as day...you were a time slot...that's all...they may have thought you were emotionally unstable is why they left you with a possitive future interest..or...they were looking to get laid....3month guy needed a fill in until his ex came back ....Why would you even worry about it... | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:55:09 AM | Why do men/women do this? Your guess is as good as mine and everyone elses. It's only a guess.
Another possible reason is they had a chance to absorb and digest the date in their mind and had second thoughts. If that were the case then they absolutely should have informed you of their decision so that you aren't left in limbo.
As far as the length of time for a date is concerned. IMO shortening the date would have little to do with enticing the person for a second or third date. The chances are greater that you will pick up on negatives and positives when you spend more time with one another. I think I would rather spend one date of 7 hours rather than 3 dates of 2 hours if in the end it was gong nowhere anyway.
It's like going to the Casino. Don't spend any more time/money that you would feel really bad about losing. If you are having a good time and 3-4-5-6 hours isn't going to break your heart, then go for it. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:01:04 AM | So you had a 7 hour date, made tentative plans for another date, and when he didn't immediately return your call, you post a thread about "this"?
One date does not obligate anyone to continue seeing someone. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:20:38 AM |
These first meets you have are way to long..
Try short ones and see if you get the same response. (or lack of)
An hour is enough. JMO
Stupid. People are very stupid. Yes, I mean you.
There are many reasons why people are not together for whatever reason.
So you have a rule book that you follow then why are you single? | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:50:20 AM | Hey.. I'm just overjoyed the OP didnt say they spent a lot of time
Conversating
That seems to be the newest dumbing down of the english language since ebonics as a faux language. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:03:32 AM | Confused & upset - Why do men do this? Not just men, women flake out too. I've gone on what have to be defined as great first dates where the lady seems genuinely interested, then they drop off the face of the earth. Why? Because some people are disingenuous flakes. It happens--especially with meeting folks via the internet, because there is a lot of anonymity--and this more likely will come into play if you decide to meet someone outside of your general local geography--the anonymity, distance, that they might look at internet dating as some sort of infinite candy store of suitors, and their disingenuity can kind of combine into a sort of perfect storm of flaky behavior. Don't let it get you down, keep fishing.  Good luck.  | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:13:50 AM | my rule of thumb is to not invest any expectations in a woman for three dates. a person is still 'test-driving' you through that period, and at any point could decide they want to try a different model. no harm, no foul - unless i think more is going on then there is, and then i feel oh so hurt and disappointed in that whole other half of the human race.
and as for this ...
He can't ask or require anything because the style of dating is the kiss-the-woman's-ass style.
... only if you allow it. try this: if you feel like you're driving all the conversation during the first date, let a silent gap come up. don't be terrified; be patient. if she looks at you like she thinks you're slacking, she probably has some inflated expectations about the man carrying the date. if she makes an effort to pick up the ball, she's probably willing to meet you halfway.
silence can be a good thing. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:24:53 AM | | Because even though they might be "adults", some never grow beyond 16! I had about the same thing happen -- the reason he used was "he met an old girlfriend again and she lived closer." Huh! Don't need this and the older I get, the less I need this -- I don't do stupid anymore! | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:07:45 PM | | I try not too hard to understand everything happened around me. I can find some peace whenever I embrace the fact that everything changes and human minds are easiest things to change. I've learned to live by moment and enjoy a good company not expecting much for the future at the same time. And when it's time, I try to let it go gracefully no matter how great time I had with that person. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:16:59 PM | | OP...What you mentioned is a cowardly act and both genders are capable of that. Cowards in general don't have the balls or courtesy to state what they want, they keep running in hope of finding that inner strength they so long for. They're more likely to be attracted to the seemingly unavailable woman, they need to work harder to gain her attention in return they feel a sense of 'achievment'...to them it implies 'strength' the very trait they lack. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:16:26 PM | | Alot of people don't know what they really want. I don't know why you are really confused though, you should know by now people are fickle and it may sound cynical, but it eases things up on you, you should go by the saying expect the worse hope for the best, that way your expectations are shattered every time a guy uses you for a rebound, or just drops off the face of the earth. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:21:26 PM |
Some guys are authentic and follow through in a manner that makes sense and some do not. There is no figuring it out.
That's true. Or at least the second sentence is. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:20:51 PM | Time will tell. And it did.
Yeah, it hurts to be rejected. If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off. Besides, men usually get a lot more rejection than women. What's more is actors get gratutious flattery and then dumped constantly. It will pass, the world will keep turning, and you just go on. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:21:20 PM | | I think some people are being unfair to the OP. The OP`s question is legtimate. She went out on a date with a guy she thought they had a good time and then he blows her off. Of course the OP is upset I would be too. I think this guy obviously lead the OP on. It`s not her fault the guy spent seven hours with her. I agree with the OP to spend seven hours with someone is a lot of time. I think the OP should let this guy go and move on. It`s a learning experience. This guy probably was already in a relationship or he`s just a jerk and a flake. I do think though in the future the OP should NOT spend so much time with someone she just met on a first date. I think a good first date is simply meet at a coffee shop for about an hour. I think maybe the OP got her hopes up that`s normal but REMEMBER a first date is just a first date. I think the OP should definitely continue dating BUT try to keep it MORE CASUAL. I think that`s the key maybe this first date was simply TOO INTENSE. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:33:08 PM | OP it is simple. From a 38 y.o. man..
The#1 (possible scenarios)
Enjoyed your comany, got home realized that he is not ready to date or doesn't have time to date (of corse he didn't tell it to you fac to face because didn't want to look as a jerk.
Liked you bu you were not exactly what he was looking for (of course didn't say it face-to face).
Was seeing someone else at the moment (of course he is not tellig you that) and still desided to focus on her (because she is better)
The #2 was not over his ex even if was saying so. Perhaps dating you was helping hime to move from thought and love to his ex (Of corse he told you it is all over between them, he is over her and wishes her all the best).
But as soon as she poped in he understood that in his heart and head she is better and grabbed this opportunity. | |
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