| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:49:43 PM | If you don't date him, you won't fall in love with him. No problems.
Why didn't his two other relationships work?
Once you are involved with him, you will be involved with his children and their mothers. Seems like there are plenty of men out there that have less children and ex's. I think that is why you ask this question. Your gut tells you you are asking for trouble. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:00:47 PM | Do women in their 30's fight?
Yes.. it starts with entering INTO babymama drama when in pursuit of a man.
You are now engaging in your own "fight" here on the forum instead of taking the SAGE advice to not even enter the ring.
Choice one.. an AVAILABLE man.. with a job, and MAYBE a kid or even 4 and ONE ex wife who he CO-parents with, and in a respectful way, where he goes to see his kids REGULARLY.. goes to work, saves money.. is a respected man in the community. A man who RESPECTED family values enough to MARRY in advance.. the mother of his kids but over time, that union didnt work out.
Choice two.. a man who HAS the woman you are ready to show your "force" to.
for some reason.. you seem hell-bent on choice 2.. Does he have a 14inch personality or something?? Or tell me this.. Has he tied his tubes since he has already made ENOUGH?
Or is he so damn rich.. you want some help as your kids come 6th, 7th & 8th in his money tray?
Is he Bill Gates long lost brutha by another babymutha?
Just sayin
Edit.. You are making excuses when you say.. "I dont want to be shallow"
It's called WISDOM and DISCERNMENT. I live in a pretty safe town.. I STILL lock my car doors when I park my car. I also have a truck.. I DONT leave things in the bed of the truck even when at the store. It's just foolish to take unnecessary and KNOWN-IN-ADVANCE risks.
You seem to WANT to take them.. So get off this Advice-I'm-going-to-ignore forum and have fun with the trauma/drama.. Seems your mind is made up to go for it.
Must be slim pickins in your hood | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:14:36 PM | Wow! I really haven't decided either way. I like him a lot, but I am not sure if I want to involve myself...hence why I asked the question.
I was not married when I had my last child so I guess I don't have any family values either, huh???
I don't think that I gave the impression that this man was a ghetto dirtbag( because he is not). Nor did I say that his money was of issue to me (because it is not). To further that, I asked for advice not a bashing so I will most certainly defend myself if need be.
Everyone else seemed to be able to give their insight without attacking me or this man, but a couple of you seem to be very judgmental.
I am attempting to take all advice in stride and I do appreciate that people are taking the time to give me insight, but I am truly not interested in personal attacks.
So with that being said, if anyone has something constructive to say...I would love to hear it. If it is your intention to be bitter or judgmental, save it for someone who wants to hear it...
And ikindman, I can do without the brutha and babymutha statement...that is quite inappropriate and very offensive.  | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:57:29 PM |
I have recently met a man who has quite a few kids(5) by 2 different women. I have 3 children of my own. He has been asking me out a lot lately and I have been refusing him for 2 reasons:
1. His babies mama is a nut job and she stares at me and gives me dirty looks everytime she see's me.
2.His 5 plus my 3 make 8 kids.
He is a nice guy and is very sweet to me, but I am not trying to have the added drama in my life. I don't want to be shallow and not give him a chance. But I also don't want to date for the sake of dating.
I know that I am taking the risk of getting flamed by asking this question, but, should I give him a chance anyway? Am I reading too much to soon?
Thanks for listening.
I wouldn't go near a man with that many children and no marriages. That is way too irresponsible for my taste. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:14:01 PM | | Thanks for ur advice futureshock...I truly appreciate it! | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:45:46 AM | Makeitdo, I do believe if a man said " I am a force to be reckoned with" he would be admired for his strength and forthwith to be THE STAND UP MAN...
However time and again, if a woman is willing to stand her ground and that doesn't mean she uses her fists then she is a Biotch waiting for a fight...  It happens in the professional world, it happens in life...
I suppose if you said well I am a total door mat, and I fear this gal will walk all over me, then you would be someone to be sympathized with, because of your demure and lady like actions... NOT...
I get you, I have had to stand up for my self in many different situations, it didn't result in me using my fist... Ok, one time, LOL... But it wasn't on a woman... But really women can be very powerful and not take crap with out having to lift a finger...
Take things in stride, and think about the drama that can be attached PERMANENTLY to this guy...Dating is cool, just know your own tendencies as to how easy it is to fall for charm..
good luck
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Lint spotter I don't think a person has to kick a person butt to be considered a force to be reckoned with... Sure I have met some really big asshats that were into the "get into your face type, and want to fight if given the chance"... However I am talking about the power pusher types that take on life and all that it is, and sometimes stomp on others feet...
I have seen it in the medical field, and now watch it in the legal field.. Women who push get less respect than a man who does... That is my observation... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:56:09 AM |
Makeitdo, I do believe if a man said " I am a force to be reckoned with" he would be admired for his strength and forthwith to be THE STAND UP MAN... By whom? I don't know anyone in my social circle that would take this terminology to mean that the person is someone of honour and virtue. If that were the case, they would simply state that they have a firm belief system and refuse to allow that to be altered.
I avoid people that use physical strength to affirm their opinion - men and women alike. I tend to think that if one speaks ghetto, then they have immersed themselves in that culture... one should also not expect to skate in and out of the culture at whim. The subject pretty much says it all...
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:52:53 AM | OP, I have a friend who is with a man who has four kids, while she has two. I often wonder why she chooses a man who needs so much help with his kids that he is little or no help with hers.
I think you need to think long and hard about hooking up with a guy who has so many kids. Don't you think it would be nice to find a man with only only one or two kids (or god forbide, the holy grail - kidless man). That way you'd actually get some help with your three. Maybe your exes are helpful, but weekend Dads aren't much use the rest of the time.
I think you're right to hesitate and the baby mama drama makes him even more unappealing. I'd keep him as a friend and enjoy the show, but not get personally involved. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:11:14 AM | | OP Why didn't you answer my question, "Why didn't his two other relationships work?" I am guessing he didn't marry the women and screwed around with others? | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:41:50 AM | Sorry aaamm,
I am not sure why...but that is a good question to ask...and I will. I had never thought of asking.
Lint spotter - I am not here to have a personal battle with you. For the record, that ghetto stereotype that you have in your mind is totally incorrect. Maybe you watch too much TV or you have "black friends". I was raised in the "hood" and I am proud to say that I now have 2 Bachelors degrees, am finishing my masters and am slated to have my PHD in the next 2 years. However, my ethnicity and my culture is something that I hold dear to myself. It gave me the strength to raise my children alone and finish school without anyone's help. I am not slipping in and out of my culture because I didn't say I was going to "catch wreck on the B****" Or" Whoop that A**", I said that I am a force to be reckonded with, which I still am although the statement seems so offensive to you. GET OVER IT!!! I think the problem may be that you are too busy judging me and not busy trying to answer the question. When you answered the question in your earlier post, I was quite happy with your response, but now it seems as though you are concentrating on a way to try to pigeon hole me into your ideal about my culture. You don't know me or what I have been through...If I choose to fight the woman (which I have no intention of doing because I am above that) I could! And your opinion would not have any bearing on my decision because we are in cyber space and I could care less about your personal assessment of me.
I guess the bottom line for me here is what I asked in the prior post. I am not interested in stereotypes or judgment, I am trying to weigh the pro's and cons of a situation that I think is very important to me. If you have no more opinions on the actual questions asked and your objective now is to judge me...just leave it alone...why keep pressing? I am not on here for a flame war, are you?
Thanks to everyone again for your opinions, I am taking all of them into consideration and they are of great help. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:43:44 AM | oh Yeah...Thyme, Thanks for the back up..
Lint if you don't like the subject...stop reading it! There are plenty of other topics to look at... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:17:21 AM | makeitdo...
Baby mama and baby daddy are terms that refer to the parents that are not married to each other and generally also have nothing to do with the child either, do a search on its meaning
The reason people use my baby's daddy or my baby's mama because they don't have a relationship with that person beyond having a child together. That person is more than just some person they know or are friends with. That term is to explain how they relate to them. They can't say they are their husband or boyfriend because they aren't in a relationship. The only thing they have in common is the child. And it generally in refrence to a child outside of a marriage much like calling an illegitimate child a **stard.
Where I live we don't even use this term, we use names of the people or we call them the child's father.
IMO I think it is a not so nice term to be used to call someone and is in a way disrespectful, after all the other person no matter what they did to us is still a person. I would never point to my son's father and say hey theres his baby daddy.
Guess some were just brought up differently. My sister uses it all the time, and so do her friends, and I look at their general behaviours and am glad I am above most of it.
I hate to sound rude but it kinda sounds like something that comes from a trailer park? | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:56:55 PM | Your point of view is welcomed and you are correct that it could be a derogatory term. Where I am from it is the norm...I guess it has a lot to do with demographics. In NY we use it on a day to day whether your black or white...it's just a term. If it is offensive to you, that was truly not my intention...
I am not sure where it originated, so I can't say that it sounds like trailer park...as a matter of fact, we don't have trailer parks where I live o I cannot attest to that...lol | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:15:10 PM | makeitdowhatitdo this is kind of off topic, but with the term baby mommy in the movies and media, how can you help but use it? I am no grammar or English expert, but I don't see anything that would indicate that you are anything but an educated woman!
My grandfather owned a "trailer park" aka mobile home park and yeah, I lived there with my mom after her divorce. Trailer parks also get a bad rap because of movies. My grandfather didn't allow people to buy from him that had beards! He was pretty daggone prejudiced and made people not want to buy from him. The people that lived there all seemed to be nice people, trash was collected every Monday. Grass had to be kept a certain length or he would have someone cut it for you and charge you. Cars had to have their current inspections/legal and had designated parking places. Gosh the new mobile homes have some awesome bathrooms with the sunken tubs and whirlpols, fireplaces in bedrooms, just so nice!
On topic, I just get the feeling this man is a womanizer and has moved from flower to flower. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:11:59 PM | OP, first you are a quite attractive woman and you went to college. I do appologize for my lack of American political corectness because I am German. But all I know that many black girls only wished they could go to college. It is your big advantage and you should be very proud. And who cares bout his baby mamma behavior and looks.
But what really would stop me a number of his kids and the fact that you have 3 too. I mean there are financial matters involved, kids need attention, time. You know the routine.... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:23:36 PM | mid...Thanks for your kind words...
I do agree with what you are saying that is why I am so torn...this is harder than I thought it would be.
AA...I notice that people often think that they understand a culture because they read about it or watched it on TV. That is why I make no assumption about trailer parks or anything else... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:42:12 PM | | unless he's a nuclear engineer that can afford lawyers every 2 months, daycare for 8 children when you all want to kill them, and other stuff i would not be so sure about this. Ummm you should always make decisions in life based on one principle...will this make my life easier or harder and by harder i mean harder in a bad way not a good way. think of it this way, would you befriend a screaming person in the store? probably not considering you don't want the drama. there are other men out ther.e | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:56:50 PM | I think it kight be too much. Thats a lot of kids.
Dividing attention amongst 8 lil people i would think you would bever have tome to take a bathroom break or sleep.
Plus, 5 kids and these women werent wives or anything?
I can see one "oops baby", been there done that myself. But 5 "oops babies"?
Ummm somwhere along the line someone would have figured either birth control or a stable marriage would have been the best route to take.
You are pretty and smart, you can find a man who doesnt have baby-mama;s glowering at you and waiting to pounce some drama off on your relationship.
And to the people knocking trailers and such, wtf?
I know a lot of mobile home swellers and most have homes that would put regular homes and apartments to shame.
My Mother in law (AKA MY BABY-GRAMMY) lives in a mobile home, complete with a jacuzzi in the bedroom, if anyone called her trailer trash ya bet i would be a force to be reckoned with.
i live in a somewhat odd home, it is a standard built one one bathroom, loft and kitchen home, b ut has had a wall knocked out and a 1400 sq. foot trailer added onto it to add 3 more rooms and an extra bathroom to it.
So i guess i am a normal high class person when in the front of my house, but i magically turn into trailer trash when i enter the back of my house?
Matariki, where is it that you llive that makes you superior to others? Somwhere in BFE Canada? You must be very well to do and very cultured and high class and elitist to knock another women for her choice of vocabulary. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:57:32 PM | I alaso would wonder why he had so many kids with these baby mama drama women?
Does he like the drama, if he kept feeding into it by pro-creating over and over again with these chicks? | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:10:44 PM | If he is a responsible father to the children, then give the poor schmoe a chance. If he's one of those text-speaking, ghetto-talking morons that are out trying to repopulate the world, then by all means, pass on him.
And please, pretty please use good birth control (preferably tubal ligation after 3) and condoms to prevent std's. There are many "Lothario's" out there who are legends in their own mind and leave the support of their kids to the tax payers. As another poster said, that's a lot of kids to pay attention to. Good luck to you. | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:55:26 AM | Ok...Let me first say that his children are not little...mine are. His oldest is 21. As for oops babies. I have to be honest and I don't want to make excuses, but in some parts African American culture, having babies and not being married is the norm ( I by all means do not want to make a sweeping statement, but where I am from getting married is a rarity). I don't excuse the fact that he has so many children. I just hear a lot of people saying "that is irresponsible" I understand that. Where you guys are from it may be frowned upon to have children out of wed lock, but where I live it is a part of life. Not excusing the behavior...just trying to give you an idea of what I am up against.
Again it has a lot to do with demographics.
NC- You are right, but the thing is that some of his children are older, so they are not of issue when it comes to taking care. And he takes very good care of the kids, so it probably want make my life any harder...except for the psycho "baby mama"
Miss W - I have no interest in tubal ligation and am a little offended that you would suggest it. Just because I have 3 children does not mean that I cannot support them and if I choose to have another, I will support that one as well. As for condoms and birth control, I am celibate, I will not have sex with a man because he bought me dinner or has spent a little time with me. In order to be with me physically, I man must stimulate me in lots of other ways and show a commitment to me and my family, needless to say it has been a long time...LOL.
Please keep in mind that I am only asking if I should date the man, not marry, move in with or have sex with him...I don't want to be preemptive...
As always, I appreciate the advice...keep it coming... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:58:49 AM | | sweetness, from what I understand, he had the children when he was young. So he was irresponsible. He is older than me, so it kind of makes sense. He says that none of his children were a mistake and that is awesome... | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:18:45 AM | | man i have no kids but i can answer this one if you have baby momma drama leave it alone a few dates wont hurt but whats the point if you dont want long term i mean unless you want to date him a bit to have fun but you dont need the drama in your life esp because you have kids i dont seee why u should give him a chance i take it you bring no drama to the table? then you should find a man who doesnt as well your beautiful im pretty sure you can do better than that gl | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:03:45 PM | Well I would say go with your gut feeling.
And most definatly ignore the baby mama..... She obviously forgot to jump on the maturity boat. It is not about her, it's inevitably about your feelings.
And it certainly does not make you shallow. I think the biggest thing would be the 8 kids. maybe the two of you should sit down and talk about it? Just tell him your fears etc. Im sorry I couldnt give you a real answer, but I think you should listen to YOUR heart =) good luck! | |
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| Baby mama drama
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:08:30 AM | i think people are far too judgemental on this site, but anyway.. the number of children is irrelevent.. if you like the guy, take it further.
you date and be with some one because you like them, yes? ofcourse. Now, if you like them.. then you will be willing to live with his responsibilities too, right? of course. You have three kids, it doesn't bother him, why? because he likes you.
is this all making sense.. ignore the ex's.. let him sort it out. | |
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