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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:40:34 AM | I think, in order to be able to be in a healthy relationship, you have to be willing AND able to seek understanding AND you have to be willing and able to open your life up and allow someone else in.
I see 3 stages people go through on here:
1) DONT WANT: This is where they list all the wounds from their past relationships, i.e. no liars, no cheats, no druggies - all the things their ex or ex's have been. This is probably 20% of all users.
2) RED FLAGS: This is where they spend all their time looking for red flags.. oh can't date you because you did this or that... mostly knee jerk reactions and defensive mechanisms because, although they think they are ready for a relationship, they really aren't.... well unless its Mr. or Ms. Perfect. This is probably 70% of the people out there.
3) READY: Those who have finally unpacked their bagage, are willing and able to seek understanding and find common ground. Those that are ready can accept a few faults, they know which things are disqualifiers and can process those with grace and kindness. This is obviously a VERY small percentage, my guess is 5% or less.
(for those of you who did the math, that missing 5% is for the terminally insane who will never find a relationship with anyone under any circumstance) | |
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:17:42 AM | Put this on your profile if you're a 5 percenter
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:58:39 PM | Do we really want to be in a relationship? Posted: 11/2/2009 11  27 AM Ok boys and girls (Yes this is going to be a redundant thread, so what....lol) The question "Do you really want to be in a relationship?" If the answer is no then the standard questions come to mind: 1) why not? 2) Why are you here? Duh
What I found interesting is in the title, the question is in the plural, "Do we want to be in a relationship?"
However, in the OP, it is changed to "Do you really want to be in a relationship?"
Two totally different questions.
#1, do WE? That would mean both parties have already accepted and come to terms with the fact they individually want A relationship, but then the issue is do WE want one with EACH OTHER.
#2, the question is more specific, do YOU want one?
Both questions have to be addressed along the path, FIRST you have to answer #2, do YOU want one.
If you do want a relationship, then you have the people who (1) are able and ready to have a relationship, and know it;
(2) know they want one, but have issues preventing them from doing so.
(3) THINK they want one but don't REALLY want one, therefore they have issues they haven't even become aware of yet.
Then there are those who know they don't want one, at least for the current moment, and are very well aware of all the reasons and issues why.
Is it incumbent upon anyone to REALLY want to be in a relationship?
Is it incumbent upon anyone to be ready for one JUST BECAUSE they are here, on a dating site?
Is it incumbent upon anyone even if they are ready, to be ready for you????
Really, it is NOT that black and white, cut and dried, some people KNOW they are ready and what they want and they ARE, some think they know and think they are ready, but they are NOT, some KNOW they are not ready. Just because you are ready (or think you are) doesn't mean everyone else should be ready (especially for you)!
But I think what you really mean is there ARE too many people who CLAIM to want a relationship who aren't willing to put forth the effort? Or they SAY they want one but their actions don't match their words?
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:35:35 AM | Hallie,
At the risk of being redundant...  you do make a pair of daisy dukes look guuuuud!
I think the OP has a valid question, why be on here if you're not ready for a relationship? A lady recently said to me "sometimes people have the best of intentions but upon further reflection they change their minds" and my response is that's not a person who is in charge of their emotions.
In an earlier post I related what I view as the three stages people go through. I really, honestly believe that a lot of people "think" they are ready for a relationship but when confronted with the reality of a "relationship" they look for all those pesky "red flags" and they do this under the guise of "I'm older and I know what I want so why waste time on what I know I dont want."
The reality is that people ebb and flow, everyone has faults and everyone has baggage and until you take the time to understand someone then you really dont know if you want them or not. Sure, there are deal breakers like abuse, drugs, lying etc. but if you are truly ready for a relationship does it really matter if they have little dogs and you dont like little dogs? No.
I have come to view this entire search for "red flags" as an excuse to avoid a relationship. People who are ready are willing to seek understanding and that ability is a fundamental relationship skill. | |
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:46:52 AM | I agree Pete there are a lot of people who think they're ready who aren't. Of course you know I don't agree with if you're not, why be on here. You also know I don't agree everyone should want one. I think it is most important to know where you're at in your life and be as honest as possible. If you know you're not ready for a relationship (and many people do) then tell people that (and many do). Problem is many people don't listen or believe them.
I could never understand people who get very serious with people, have exclusive relationships then break up and 2 days later are in love again, or totally sure they met "the one." They continue this cycle constantly without ever taking a break to get to know themselves. I've always needed a break between involvements with people, never just jumped right into another person.
Also, you may be totally ready for a relationship, start dating someone you're attracted to, then realize 1-3-6 months down the road, they are not the right person. These things are legitimate. Your points are also legitimate, there are those too, finding red flags and always something wrong. At our ages, however, I do believe that it is harder for many people, after their life experiences, to really find the right person to "settle down" with, and from what I've been reading on the forums, it's hard for younger people too. Going into the reasons is kind of a waste of time but there's the bad economy, which I think makes dating and relationships harder to sustain when you can't afford to date or worried about losing your job, finding a job, etc. It's just harder for a lot of people to focus on other things when under stress.
So there are legitimate reasons for not wanting or being ready for a relationship, but if you are saying you are ready, then you should truly be ready, and it is not incumbent upon anyone to accept anything less than they'll be happy with! | |
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:15:41 AM |
I've always needed a break between involvements with people, never just jumped right into another person. Hear! Hear! God, that has always amazed me! How the hell do people do it? What must their emotions be like?
I mean, I've heard the addage "the easiest way to get over an old love is to find a new love" but when you look at the results of people who practice this they seem to constantly go from one bad decision to the next... like a snowball rolling down hill and with each turn it picks up more and more garbage.
One of my 3rd date questions (provided it hasn't been answered already), is how long since your last significant relationship? I find the answer really tells a lot about a person and their recovery process. | |
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/22/2009 12:10:30 PM | what I hate is when you are talking and dating and then all of sudden nothing....no callls to you and wont answer their phone I think thats Bull.
And the crap of we will always be friends,even if we dont date. Is BULL. | |
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| Do we really want to be in a relationship?
Posted: 11/22/2009 2:24:14 PM |
And the crap of we will always be friends,even if we dont date. Is BULL. I am friends with everyone I ever dated except three people:
1) my ex wife: I tried and tried and even after 10 years that woman still hates my guts;
2) my ex fiance: some people you just don't wanna be friends with.
3) an old girl friend: her choice, i tried.
Everyone else we are indeed friends and I care very much what happens to them, I like most of their significant others and have been invited to more than one of their weddings. Even introduced one old gf to her current husband. The ability to be friends after a relationship is based on the amount of trust, honesty and respect existed in the relationship and during the breakup.
what I hate is when you are talking and dating and then all of sudden nothing....no callls to you and wont answer their phone I think thats Bull. You're right. That IS b.s. but instead of being angry about it you need to learn to view it as a blessing... as in it was better to find out now that you were dealing with a spineless worm than a year from now. Just be thankful you found out early on.
(However, if this happens a lot the reason may be in your ability to handle conflict... or lack thereof.) | |
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