| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:06:51 PM | | Why does everyone talk about sex like it's a thing women "give" to the man, as if it were a gift? Sex feels good for women too, it's not just something we give as a present for treating us well... women can be just as selfish as far as wanting to "get sex" | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:14:11 PM | I think it is more related to the different way that sex is viewed in this country in contrast to Europe. Many men of all ages think differently about a woman they sleep with early compared to one that waits a bit longer and women also have been programmed to consider their choices in this area as reflecting on their character when if they were men, it wouldn't.
It seems ridiculous to you because you have a European perspective on sex which is very different than the one you would have acquired being raised in this country by American parents. | |
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| Why worry about when to enjoy sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:26:29 PM | OP, your syntax and diction suggest that English is not your native language, and your spelling could stand some work. Please consider having someone else review your posts for clarity. I drew the short straw for the Grammar Cop role on this post.
"Early" sex? You realize this phrase is unknown to men. Women even have their own language about this subject, so it must be a huge issue to many of them. Apparently not with the women I currently date, but your mileage may vary.
Last I checked, sex was a natural thing, like eating. I'm going on my third POF date in two years, 'cause I finally found one trim woman here that will admit she likes to eat, a natural fact denied by so many others. Men are up front about liking food and sex, while many women often appear not to be. Now why is that? Try to tell me that denying these obvious facts doesn't mess with your head over time, and feed your paranoia that "they" are passing judgment on you. Aren't we living in a so-called "liberated" society?
Women that notably enjoy sex certainly get called names by the men with whom I associate. I've heard everything from" likable" and "approachable" to "friendly" and "popular". The list goes on, but the tags are universally positive. I've never heard disparaging remarks from these men regarding women with healthy and expressive libidos. Now if you ask me about the ones that deny their natural urges by design, I suppose I've heard a few off-color remarks from these guys. And unfaithful types are in a whole 'nuther category.
This subject hits home with me, as I came to POF over it. I waited months before being "natural" with my ex, and had fallen in love with her in the meantime. I was soon to discover that she was allergic to intimacy of any type, and so began a noble yet tortuous four year odyssey that left my libido in shambles, my brain sprained and my heart broken into a thousand stinging shards. Had we tried to knock boots the first date, I would have discovered the anomaly and run, as many men do when the sex is bad. My heart would have thanked me later. To me, "early sex" now has great value, and I've learned not to toy with Mother Nature ever again, if my date is of the same mind. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:26:32 PM |
Why does everyone talk about sex like it's a thing women "give" to the man, as if it were a gift?
You're living proof that it's nurtured into women to feel that way.
It's got nothing to do with "nature", nor is it logical to perpetuate that mentality into women, that "sex" with them should be considered, giving, or a gift.
It's an experience shared by a couple.
Sex feels good for women too, it's not just something we give as a present for treating us well...
Careful, you might get burned at the stake as a heretic for such radical thinking... 
women can be just as selfish as far as wanting to "get sex"
That cat has been let out of the bag forever, but some keep wanting to get it back into the bag... | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:51:15 PM | I think that people look for numbers and rules because they are afraid of using their own judgement: afraid of being thought either a slut or frigid -- more afraid of what people will think than they are of being untrue to what they feel is right and think is best for themselves. Afraid and -- unwilling to take responsibility. It's very common. Normal, one might say.
It takes courage to do things your own way, to use your own judgement and to not be influenced by your peers. Few are able to do it, so of course most are looking around to find out what everyone else is doing.
Waiting makes a lot of sense, in terms of caring for your own physical and emotional well-being (plus those of the possible children resulting from sex: whether you plan to abort them or not, they are part of the question) vs satisfying immediate lust. Humans do not always desire what is good for them and if you can resist other temptations that harm your prospect of health or happiness (women tend to be more devastated by one-night stands than men do) then you can also resist the temptation to have sex whilst the other person is still very much an unknown and the risks are high. Perhaps this is why smokers are more promiscuous: behaviour regarding their own well-being is already negligent.
Risks reduce over time as you get to know the person and what to expect from them. But it's not cool to be sensible: much more desirable to act as if you have no sense or reason and are just desperate to be accepted as being normal. Crazy world. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:30:44 PM |
Do you folks really believe if you slpeep with someone very early on he or she is going to walk away because you are really suck in bed?
no, since i don't suck in bed.
Or come accross as a whore when you do not look or act like that?
no, since i am not, nor do i act or look like a whore.
Would you guess that it is because there some other issues/not sexual preferences/choices (why stuff may possibly not to work) on the plate on his/her part that would still be in the pic if you would wait for 6 months or 10 dates?
generally, i find it is a matter of lack of respect. it is demonstrated early on...say, between date one and three. same usually puts the kibosh on any more dates, so, it's way less than 10 dates or 6 months. said lack of respect is generally of the unacceptable groping/feeling up variety. i decide who touches me, when. and, i must add that groping me in a public venue demonstrates both a serious failing in judgment and taste.
for those that make it past the first few dates...yeah, i demand std testing. and proof. anyone who is not similarly concerned and discerning, is likely a poor risk. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:54:25 PM | I think having sex too early can be good and bad, depending on what sort of relationship your looking for. Someone looking for a FWB might opt for a early time frame where as someone more intrested in the person for a LTR might decide to wait learn more about the various things that make them tick. Sex besides being a physcial release also can create feelings of intimacy and closeness. For this reason I feel for me its something to consider before I dive in. If I find the women attractive sexually but dont think it is a possible LTR I have to be careful if she wants FWB so I dont get in over my head(no pun intended). I know its a mental effort to not allow yourself to get emotionally involved for sex does bind two individuals, so sex is something dersired but also something to be cognative of.
In regard to the women, I dont think any more or less of someone if they want it sooner or later, thats not what I am concerned about. I am concerned for my own state of being, I dont want to become dependant on someone who is looking for a FWB. I would allow myself to experience my emotions with someone looking for a LTR when it is mutual experience | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:06:51 PM | Beth..
The damned-if-do.. damned-if-dont scenario DOES actually have an answer to explain how men think.
When men are faced with a harangue.. be it their mother as a little boy.. or their-now surrogate-mother( you know a wife) who is blah blah blah blahyou'reAjerkblah blah stuff..
They get that vacant look in their eyes.. a "set" in their jaw and start musing to themselves
"I wonder how Favre will feel going BACK to GreenBay as a viking"
"Yankees got lucky. Philly will win tomorrow, go back to NY and win it all"
"I wonder if she'll still have sex with me when she runs out of gas with this harangue"
"What can I do to make the damning I'm about to get.. LESS WORK"
Generally.. men will START with #1 or #2 as they guage the energizer in their haranguing bunny.. then they think THREE before they think number 4.
Now.. this is because of the "Take care of my richard" instinct.
We will enter the fires of HELL.. go fight the INFIDELS.. SLAY DRAGONS.. and eat PBJ's and MacNcheese.. just for a CHANCE of getting sex that night.
We'll also put up with harangues.
Now there are ALWAYS some exceptions or variations of it.. but basically that is your top 4. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:34:14 PM | OP -- I was always brought up to understand that the body is like a treasure, and not to be taken lightly. Would you give out your money so freely to just anyone who asked the first time you met them...just because they asked?
Not bloody likely.
But yet, people give their bodies away so freely to complete strangers on the first meet/date and then try to say shit like "chemistry" or "sparks" or whatever other crapola they can come up with. That just shows a complete lack of self respect, and common sense.
You wouldn't part with your money so freely to just anyone...why the body I wonder?
The body is a treasure. To be treated as such. Only the worthy should have access to it...not just whoever happens to bring about the crotch tingles... | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:18:21 AM | I have a feeling there are a lot of "everything but" people on here....from the way some of the responses are coming across. Or perhaps that is simply a front...how goes the saying? "A lady in the streets but a freak in the bed"? 
People say that the sexual expression of the body should be reserved for after getting to know someone/std testing/committed relationships (whatever that means), etc...I'd like to know if you all wait extended periods of time to even meet someone? Kiss them? What time limit have you given yourself for under the clothes fun?
By setting those kinds of limits for yourself upfront you may think you are saving yourself from pain/disappointment/rejection later and that you might be building up to something wonderful after you've "fallen in love" and can now say you are "making love" instead of just sex...but all you are really doing is setting up boundaries for yourself...which can be a perfectly happy way to live. Except how fun would it be to go into a restaurant already saying "I am NOT going to get dessert" and then find out you missed out on perhaps the tastiest treat in the city?? Sure...you could go back to that same restaurant again once a week for 1, 2, 3, 4 months until you FINALLY decide you are ready to commit to THEIR dessert because now you've built this "relationship" with them and you have a trust and a bond that you believe is GOLD. And you might discover that you LOVE it (and wish you had been tasting it the last couple of months lol)
But you might just bite into that cake and think "Ah crap...is this really what I've spent months waiting for? What a rip off!"
I'm not suggesting that you sleep with every person you go out with. But try to keep an open mind about him/her...the experience...the possibility that you could very well go with your gut instinct and take that leap and wake up in the morning to discover you haven't gone straight to hell for not waiting 1,2,3,4 months (years? lol) Don't say no before you've even stepped into the situation. Go with the flow and keep an open mind. You might surprise yourself  | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:08:47 AM |
Why does everyone talk about sex like it's a thing women "give" to the man, as if it were a gift? Sex feels good for women too, it's not just something we give as a present for treating us well... women can be just as selfish as far as wanting to "get sex."
Not all women think it's a "gift" we give to a man. I think Big Daddy Jinx answersed this question PERFECTLY with his post further on in the thread:
But yet, people give their bodies away so freely to complete strangers on the first meet/date and then try to say shit like "chemistry" or "sparks" or whatever other crapola they can come up with. That just shows a complete lack of self respect, and common sense.
You wouldn't part with your money so freely to just anyone...why the body I wonder?
The body is a treasure. To be treated as such. Only the worthy should have access to it...not just whoever happens to bring about the crotch tingles... | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:55:36 AM | | I don't see the body as a treasure to be given. That makes no sense if you turn it around, because then anytime someone wants sex with you they are offering you treasure and you are turning it down. It only works when it's your body that is the treasure. Then are they good enough for you? It must be rough being so valuable among all us worthless people. In all the world there is only one other person valuable enough to trade bodies with. Or maybe a very few elite valuable bodies and the rest...you know, how about a cash for clunkers program for sex? Think of sex as love and not as money and it's a lot easier to love people than to be a miser, strike an advantageous bargain, get your asking price or find someone worthy to love. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 39 | |
| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:09:55 AM |
OP -- I was always brought up to understand that the body is like a treasure, and not to be taken lightly. Would you give out your money so freely to just anyone who asked the first time you met them...just because they asked?
Not bloody likely.
But yet, people give their bodies away so freely to complete strangers on the first meet/date and then try to say shit like "chemistry" or "sparks" or whatever other crapola they can come up with. That just shows a complete lack of self respect, and common sense.
You wouldn't part with your money so freely to just anyone...why the body I wonder?
The body is a treasure. To be treated as such. Only the worthy should have access to it...not just whoever happens to bring about the crotch tingles...
I so agree BDJ
Who the hell is going to open their wallet and let a stranger help themselves. Who is going to open their jewelry case and say go ahead and tak what you like.
Just goes to prove that material things are so much more important than our own bodies and our own lives.
Everyone is wondering what to do about the flu shot, but boiinking at hello and lots, not all but lots not even using protection.
As for me my body is THE most important thing that I live in ... more important than my house, my dough, my stuff ... I think there is less value in sex because it is considered a FREE commodity.
Savona | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:11:37 AM | When you stop making sex the prize, you stop having to make rules for the game.
Too many have an investment in the game and the rules that are juggled to play, to play victim/villain, us against them or to hide behind social gender expectations will always keep you from seeing clearly, seeing what it is that your real agenda is.
From my experience a lot of women come to dating on the defensive, guarded against men’s onslaught of sexual advances, as if pre programmed to be on guard, rightly so I might add because most men I know are this way. I don’t play that game however, I sit tight to what my purpose is and after a number of emails and phone conversation with no advance from me, they will start it of their own. I’m not talking basic info, I mean the innuendos, flirtations and out right crudeness and when I won’t respond in kind, I have been bashed for having no interest.
Sex is the prize for far too many and most will juggle the rules to feel like they won, whether it be to gain or defend. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:13:26 AM | LOL...gotta laugh....as for the actual act...its no big deal....sex starts with massaging the mind....comfort....chat....and then ones ability to actually know a persons body and what they want....Ive never been with a woman that wasnt satisfied....not a bragger by any means but appreciate woman and found it amazing how many have gone thru life without experiencing an orgasm....most arent aware of what their bodies are capable of...its un real....that a woman can be married,raise a family,and not enjoy what they have..... | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:47:51 AM |
It must be rough being so valuable among all us worthless people.
Yes it is actually. Because it is sometimes difficult to figure out who treats their body like it is worthless. You can place what ever value you want on your physical and emotional health, just like those of us who actually realize it has a higher value than a quick **** with a stranger to them. Go right ahead and do what you want, but dont slag those of us who dont by labelling us a repressed, disfunctional or brainwashed. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:09:42 AM |
we all have our sexual needs and preferences and to delay sex just delays the inevitable because if your sexual preferences don't match no amount of love is going to save the relationship.
Given that sexual preferences and interests can change through exploration, particuarly with a loving and interested partner, it would seem more logical to me to ensure that the personal compatibility were there before assuming that sexual compatability would be a dealbreaker. Slowing down on the sex and focusing on the relationship will pay dividends for most people when sex does become part of the relationship. And you know, love will get you through times of no sex a lot longer than sex will get you through times of no love. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:31:23 AM | I completely ignore any notion of "waiting time". It happens naturally, all on it's own schedule. Now I must tell you, that has NEVER been more than two dates. And I don't push it. I'm building that attraction long before we actually start "dating". As well, I have never, ever thought less of a woman for having engaged in sex with her. Ever.
I really have a hard time following some of the reasoning used by some in this thread. Some have suggested that European attitudes on this are more "libertine". Maybe. But surely that doesn't account for all of it.
I can recall being a young man around 19 or so. There was the first time a woman went from barely being able to tolerate my presence to writhing under me in ecstacy. That's when the game was up for me; when I saw that they needed it just as much as I did(if not more!). That's when I learned to work the attraction aspect in a way that put women at ease to enjoy themselves w/out all this "will he respect me later?" double think. It's only what guys (and woman)who manage this part of their lives well already know.
Balanced confidence; the ultimate aphrodisiac. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:46:14 AM | Timing to me has more to do with the person, and how the chemistry works between the two. So it does not have any timing. It can happen on the first date, it can happen on the 5th date. However, I do not believe in the extremes. Or that it is a gift that women are giving men. Or that is a guarded treasure. To me it's pure and simple. It is shared intimacy. That means it is more than a physical act. When all you get is the physical act, you get nothing. When you share, you give of you, then it becomes a different thing.
With that said, you also have to look at where you are emotionally in your life. A while back, when I became single, I wanted to have fun, experiment, be with as many women as I could. And I did. The last time I became single, there was way too much stuff in my head. Sex, was not a priority because the sex that I have had to that moment was in a very exclusive relationship in which the sex was not only out of this world it was border line religious. Before I could sleep with another woman, I needed to heal from that experience, but that completely in the past. Interestingly enough, I am back with that woman.
So I would say, that instead of looking for a magic number, look at what is in a relationship physically and also spiritually. If both evolve in parallel, it's not a gift given from one person to the other but a shared experience. When there is only the physical, it becomes nothing but an act, something to be given or taken, but not shared. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:11:50 AM | OutMind,
Gotta go with you on this one. Ma y I add that I believe the whole "Mind/ body dichotomy" is at the root of these kinds of issues. Some religious philosophies repudiate it's existence entirely, saying a belief in that kind of split is at the root of many of our problems. | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:33:12 AM |
Because female bodies, in particular, are biologically designed to feel attachment when having sex.
I think (Sex) is something way too personal , to share with a virtual stranger.
The above says it all, really - along with a healthy dose of self-respect.
However, in the (highly) unlikely event that I were to have a one night stand, it wouldn't worry me one bit whether or not the man might consider me to be a whore. After all, if sleeping with him makes me a whore, sleeping with me would have to make him a man-slut :-) | |
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| Why to worry about when to give sex?
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:24:37 PM |
For myself sex early on is a big no no because as much as men say that they will not look down upon you they do.
Well, even this thread is already getting men posting about how they will not look down on easy sex... Yup... until they get that easy sex... then it's another story...
I am really amazed that these guys don't see how obviously self-serving their posts are... if anything it's almost embarrassing to read them.... even worse, there's probably a few women who are naive enough to believe them...
Then there are the ones who claim they usually have sex in the first few dates... Yep... great.... I'm sure they do... unless of course, they're just posting that in the hopes that some naive woman will read it and think they'd better give the guy sex in the first couple of dates because he's used to it and will think badly of them for not putting out.
If people want to have sex on the first date then go for it. Be safe and wear a condom.
A condom is only safer, not safe...
If you knew for a fact that the other person had an STD, would you trust a condom to protect you? If not, why are you trusting it to protect you when you don't know one way or the other....? | |
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