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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:47:14 PM | Truth is, I am thankful for this thread, as I realize that, while I personally have no problem at all with no strings attached sex, I strive to teach my daughters that they are special, and that part of their "specialness" revolves around the parts of them that they choose to share with others, particularly men. Let's be honest; sex is different (or at least viewed differently) by the genders, and also different as an expression of love, and the depth of the hurt that may ensue. We may want to think that things have changed, but men still use love to get sex, and women still use sex to get love.
Sharing yourself in a sexual way with another is giving of a part of yourself that is not meant to be shared with the masses; it IS special. I remain convinced that doing so is giving a part of oneself that sets the relationship apart from most other relationships. I haven't completed the logical thought process that leads me to that belief, while still feeling that there is nothing wrong with my own sexual gratification, but it exists, nonetheless, and I don't think it unhealthy. I will continue to counsel my daughters (and my sons, if I had any) along those lines. Thanks for the thought food! | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:02:56 PM | So, Dr. V1,
You have diagnosed fear of sex....
Excuse me...for that white air.....I was...uh...laughing.
Can I say this? The first time my S/O met me he said this (among other things)..."I want to lay you down right now, pull your shorts off and put my mouth between your thighs and lick them all the way to.." You get the idea?
I just smiled. Offended? No. I just thought that he was a player and treated him like one. No way was I going to be what he had been used to. Yes. He was used to women who offered up their sexuality like a man. He just didn't have any interest in them but sex here and there.
I was wearing my softball clothes and wasn't strutting my stuff in porn-type atire. I was sweaty and had no make-up on. But....the chemistry and mutual attraction was there...in spades. I was swimming in it.
When we finally made love it was just as I wanted it. With a man who I could feel absolutely comfortable with. We had already discovered much of each other anyways.
Since then, it has been everything from ripping each other's clothes off before the door even closes to clothes strewn from room to room. He is a bit more passionate than I am and he is raw sexuality. Anywhere and anytime. I thrive on this and I respond to him like I have never done with anyone else. Orgasms? Plenty.
This man now wants to get married. He says he sees growing old with me.
He appreciates that I didn't use sex to land him. I made him get to know me first. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:23:26 PM | | I think some people--okay, mostly women--worry about "trading" sex too early because for many men, a committed, long-term relationship is not the ideal. For many men, FWB is the ideal. Women are often cautious about becoming physically intimate with men because if men can get sex without strings, they will try for that rather than work on a deeper relationship. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:28:38 PM | Thank you, chitownguy40...
That is a very honest and true observation that many are afraid to admit to. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:42:14 PM | In my world, each is necessary for the other.
Onlythis: yer so full of it. You don't speak for me. Stop covertly trotting out your own pitiful insecurities on a public forum.
Time to back down, Dude. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:59:14 PM |
Not bad going for a woman of 40. 1 true love, and one that got away.
When someone your age claims to haveing known just two men intimately it says less, not more, about you. If you were some quiet nun-like woman you could get away with that. But, you are an outspoken-in your face- opinionated woman willing to degrade another at a moments notice. You are bitter; you cannot get around that.
I shall ignore your attempt at a rally,, my tennis allusion seemed to hit the mark. Job done.
You are correct; you need to ignore my statements because your statement was merely an attempt to degrade another; it was not factual. Mine is based on fact and experience. I did the job. You failed.
You say you dont belieive I never had sex without love?
Absolutely; Noooo doubt about that.
I know it is difficult for women like you to accept that Verityone and OnlyThis have the courage to tell it like it is on these forums. It is beyond laughable to think you and other pretend virgins are going to fool anyone. You do not.
Desirable men do not expect, nor necessarily want, ‘withering on the vines’ women. They actually know that we are going to be sexually active. There is absolutely nothing so earth shattering in your attempt to define your sexual life as merely with two guys as to make you more desirable. You are no more or less than women that have enjoyed intimacy with a greater number of men.
The confusion seems to stem from not realizing that it's not so much the "sex" part that is releasing the "emotions", but the feelings of trust, openness, vulnerability that naturally must be present in order to have "sex".
It's a fallacy to conclude that the only way these can be present, is within the confines of a committed relationship.
Verity, you enlighten those whom dwell in darkness and illusion.
Before I can love another I need to trust him, be vulnerable with him, know that my body is desirable to him. Without sexual intimacy this is not obvious. To have sex with another whether you are woman or man means to trust and be vulnerable to another; it is not one sided. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:23:03 PM | Only This,
Hope that Macho thing works for you. I also link sex and love. For me, without a connection it's like riding a bicycle - fun, but not fulfilling. I've turned it down when it didn't feel right. Yeah, I've felt raw lust before but I'm apparently not the type of guy women want to **** randomly - and I don't think I'm missing anything. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:24:02 PM | Belle or Daisy, whomever you are, I’m addressing you with the knowledge that all threads deemed demeaning to you get deleted; but here goes.
Can I say this? The first time my S/O met me he said this (among other things)..."I want to lay you down right now, pull your shorts off and put my mouth between your thighs and lick them all the way to.." You get the idea?
That is beyond a vulgar statement on a first meet.
Your imagination runs away with you……..
You want someone to lick your pvssy and it is obviously not happening. So in the hopes of attracting same you offer, ‘You get the idea’. How’s that working for you? Had many takers?
Since then, it has been everything from ripping each other's clothes off before the door even closes to clothes strewn from room to room. He is a bit more passionate than I am and he is raw sexuality. Anywhere and anytime. I thrive on this and I respond to him like I have never done with anyone else. Orgasms? Plenty.
Too much information.
No one is asking.
No one cares about your personal (imaginary) sexual exploits.
This man now wants to get married. He says he sees growing old with me.
There are plenty of us that hope he will ‘Ride off into the sunset’ with you, never to be heard from again. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:29:20 PM | | Funny, I didn't know the site automatically *ed out words like ****, shit, donkeyballs, @#$%^, #%^& and @#%$^&. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:36:52 PM |
And again, there you go with unfounded speculation posing as righteous intuition again.
Do you mean righteous indignation?
I also find it a little naive that women would believe a 37 year old man who says he has NEVER had sex with someone he didn't love....Maybe he REALLY liked her and thought there was potential...But really, 37....and only ever had sex with women he loved. Are you just saying you love these women because you figure you should because you've had sex with them, and that is the line you fed them, so you have said it so much that you have convinced yourself? I can totally see why OnlyThis would find that so hard to believe. Maybe if he had been 19-22 or so? But 37, c'mon let's get real here people! | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:47:56 PM |
I just thought that he was a player and treated him like one. No way was I going to be what he had been used to. Yes. He was used to women who offered up their sexuality like a man. He just didn't have any interest in them but sex here and there.
I was wearing my softball clothes and wasn't strutting my stuff in porn-type atire. I was sweaty and had no make-up on.
I seriously question the veracity of virtually all of your claims, as there is much duplicity in your comments and claims.
You always seem to claim that it is a "gentleman" that you seek.
You also always seem to claim at how you screen out any man who is a "player", or one who would even allude to anything sexual when first meeting him.
Now you're thinking of marrying one?
But....the chemistry and mutual attraction was there...in spades. I was swimming in it.
The chemistry and attraction was there in spades, and you were swimming in it?
Didn't you say that you waited 3 months to actually sleep with the guy?
You're hilarious... | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:48:12 PM | First off we all except that fact that having sex too soon is worst because the relationship is in the next stage before all the little things are found out, on both sides I might add. As a rule if i'm starting a new relationship I state up front no sex for 30 days, I call it the.....30 days test, sure kissing, hugging, light petting is fine but these 30 days are meant for getting to know each other....... | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:00:13 PM |
Goodewitch -
Well it must be obvious and will become moreso, if this thread survives OP, that not everyone see's sex as some sort of functional recreational activity.
Some people do have sex as an expression of love, or caring about that person, as well as the more obvious reasons.
Just thought that needed pointing out.
I'm glad you pointed that out.
Further .. as for Sex being a "recreational activity" .. sure for some .. it probly is. Personally?? cough - I NEED to "know" who has their hot sweaty skin against mine .. I Need to know what kind of person 'he' is Before "putting out". I "might not" require the Big L word - BUT I DO require the "little" L word - Like .. There's gotta be a whole lotta like Before I get nekkid with Jed! ..
ick .. casual sex with a body I don't know?? ick ick ick! I Need to know that he has the sort of Morals and Character and Principles that won't leave me feeling Disgusted, Dirty and Regretting the 'occasion'.
Casual/Recreational 'flings'?? I have 10 Perfectly good digits for that! And I don't have to shave my legs!
To the young man ^^^ Up there who said he doesn't have sex with a woman he's not in love with - Good for You! .. Ignore the old fart who can't compete with you .. that's all it is you know .. and You've already won that little ego battle .. so ignore the nay sayers .. let 'em show who They are. You're just fine
I am just like the person who started this thread. i can not and will not have sex with someone I dont love it doesnt work or fit me. i was raised to respect myself and to never give to much of me til the other showed and gave the same in return and the woman who taught me that was happily married for 52 yrs before she died and that was my wonderful grandmother. others will feel different about this subject but i will never change or give in to havin sex with someone i dont love. you gotta know the person and where hes been and how many hes been with. its just gross to not know what u could be getting ur self into or what u could catch. to the person who started this thread stay to who u are ,there will be a female to come along who will capture ur heart and she will the same. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/3/2009 11:32:28 PM | Absofreakinlutely! I'm not a fan or promoter of NSA, but as this poster says, REFRAIN from building up that story in your head until you are sure he intends to be part of it, and I don't think you can KNOW that until you've had sex with him.
Exactly my thoughts! 
If men werent conditioned to label women who have sex because they enjoy it as sluts, both genders might get along a whole lot better.
If I was a betting girl I would bet that women judge other women a whole lot more than what the men do.....
I'm obviously not a man, but something tells me that any man that is getting great sex from his partner will not call her a slut even if it's on the first date...where they turn nasty is when they don't get their own way...every man secretly wants a slut in bed. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:10:03 AM |
Arabianangel wrote: every man secretly wants a slut in bed
True. My mother taught me that a man wants a woman who knows when to be a lady and when to be a slut. ~Beth~ | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:34:58 AM | DIVISION77 your post was good, however, I had taken a sip of water at the exact moment of coming to it, and basically ended up spitting it all over my keyboard.  | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:01:13 AM | In my world, sex is NOT versus love. I won't have sex without love. Doesn't work for me, and never has.
I agree with the above statement.
Sure, we can all have sex for pleasure! The question is "How will we feel about ourselves the next day"?
If you are dating someone and they are really interested in you, then they will wait for sex. If that is all they are looking for, then aren't we just an object to them. I personally want to know that I am cherished and loved when I walk away from sex. Not that I have been used and tossed away like an object. It's called self respect! | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:02:40 AM | Awww....Splendere...
It is too much information.....I do agree.
But, when someone is tireless about expounding his opinions in such a way that he is now diagnosing "fear of sex" because a person doesn't think or act the way that he does, then I give him the real deal. I have never had to do this before as I think it's private. But, I think it was time to let him and people like you know that I am not sexually repressed or have a fear of sex...lol....
I am having a very healthy and active sex life. No STDs being passed around either.
Why do you think I don't indulge in sex right away? When this man acted this way, I was NOT going to give him a second look. He had to work hard at attracting me the right way...and I made sure he did. Those three months were not about me playing games. It was me making sure that this man was worth it. Yes....I was hard on him, but I am not for the faint of heart. Never have been.
But..the issue here is this. What are women doing that made him feel he could say something like that to me initially? I asked him that. Do you know what his answer was? Most women liked that he talked sexually to them right from the get go. Women were in his bed either from date one or by date three. I have always said that I had thought he was a player...or spoilt. He was spoilt.
I was the one that kicked his azz for his behaviour. But then, a good man emerged.
Good men are out there. I have found many, but the thing is, ladies, do you bring out the good men?
Verity does not tell it like it really is. He tells it from his own slant on things. He has so many holes in his opinions. He tells it like the way he sees it...like most people on here....including you.
You have your views, so does he and so does everyone else have their views. Respect that and don't consider that yours is always the right one...or his.
Like I always say...is it working for you...or him?
I am here for the forums. My S/O knows that and he is good with it. In fact, he considers some of it quite entertaining. He doesn't like computers much, finds most people in the forums idealistic not realistic and is much more happier relating to real life...like watching hockey games on TV. He does that, I play on here.
I do try to give a taste of real life in these forums.
Real life: Women and men ARE different in every way. We are not made to be the same. If you want success in real life, then accept that. If you are a woman, accept that you are and act like one. Men are not attracted to women acting like men in the dating/mating rituals. They may like the attention initially, but it soon wears off.
Sex too early is nice for most men, but their attention wanders after a short while.
In my S/O's experience, he has always had sex "early". Has liked it, but lost interest after the initial lust was satisfied. Each of these women that he did have sex with all wanted to start a relationship with him after the sex. He wasn't into it. A couple of those women were"bunny boilers". Did it work out for either he or these women? Nope.
Anyone who believes in the early sex route is playing Russian roulette with cupid's arrows. Most of the time the chambers are empty. It didn't connect.
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:23:47 AM |
When I have sex with the person I love, I'm making love. Sex without love is nothing more than a mechanical, functional act
Nope! Disagree WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!!
Have had one-night-stand-rip-off-those-clothes faster-than-a-speeding bullet variety as well as the gazing-into each-others-eyes-spiritual union, variety...
Sex is sex is sex...It is US who imbue it with all of the meaning -, repressions, hangups, and perspectives that WE ourselves bring to it...
But..the issue here is this. What are women doing that made him feel he could say something like that to me initially? I asked him that. Do you know what his answer was? Most women liked that he talked sexually to them right from the get go. Women were in his bed either from date one or by date three. I have always said that I had thought he was a player...or spoilt. He was spoilt.
I was the one that kicked his azz for his behaviour. But then, a good man emerged.
Good men are out there. I have found many, but the thing is, ladies, do you bring out the good men?
Wow so all of "those women" "spoiled" him huh?!?!?
This statement is just TOO ludicrous and I can't beleive that these claims (of what the women did) are actually purportedly coming from an ADULT male...
Gee...good thing that you did what every "good woman" is supposed to do...and hung in there, denying him sex, all in order to "straighten him up and make him fly right"!!!
Yupp...these forums are sometimes an endless source of amusement...
Myself, I'm looking for a GROWN man, who has learned how to treat women with a modicum of respect and dignity because of who HE is all of the time!!! Someone who I don't have to "train" in any way...I have a dog for that!!! , and someone who respects my choices both in and out of the bedroom...
As for sex...well, what I do and with whom is my business and that of my partner, and as long as it's consensual and pleasureable for those concerned...Hey! It's all good, I don't need soemone else to TELL me what my morals SHOULD be, thank you, I think that I've earned the right to behave as I deem appropriate at MY "advanced age"!!!  | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:08:52 AM |
think that I've earned the right to behave as I deem appropriate at MY "advanced age"!!!
Go ahead. Who said you couldn't? No-one is twisting your arm.
Such drama in a post!! My goodness. You'd think I touched a nerve or something. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:10:27 AM |
If I was a betting girl I would bet that women judge other women a whole lot more than what the men do.....
I'm obviously not a man, but something tells me that any man that is getting great sex from his partner will not call her a slut even if it's on the first date...where they turn nasty is when they don't get their own way...every man secretly wants a slut in bed.
A women after my own heart. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:35:34 AM | Splendere,
I can only reiterate again,.. you're basically calling me a liar, which you have no real reason to do,.. just because you refuse to beleive that anyone doesnt do as you do, or that anyone might live their lives in a different way than you think all people live their lives. I cannot/do not want to try and convince you of my truth, as I feel I have nothing to prove to you. if you will insist on your illogical extrapolations, against all reason, then I am done with you.
I do not engage in dialogue with people who accuse me of lying for no good reason other than their own inability to see past their own bigoted and narrow minded views,
OT..I will maintain, as I have done from my first postings on this thread, that whichever way people choose to have sex, with, love, or lust, or as a recreation, etc etc, s totally up to them. I have no judgements or opinions to offer on that. I have stated my way approaching this subject. I reserve the right to be more conservative in my own love life, whilst not putting my opinions or judgements down peoples throats.
G.x | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:37:55 AM | I should have said, sex doesn't need to be independant of love. If two animals couple to procreate, we call that sex...love doesn't necessarily enter into the picture. Are humans intelligent enough to take this medium of sharing, and at times, make it an expression of love?
sure. would it be wise to base one's heart, on the concept that someone chasing physical pleasure must be doing so out of live?
um....
to get to monongahela sal's post....I will disagree that only one gender fakes love to get sex. I've had women who wanted attention, who faked interest in order to get sex. They wanted the sex, as a sign that they had the attention they sought. Or maybe they wanted the sex, too indeed, people keep doing what they do, when it works.
As for the slut label coming from women as well as men...yes, and its a pity. SOME women measure themselves by social interaction, not by what they see inside themselves, and the slut label (among others) is a great way for some women to bully others. I've had female friends tell me how boys aren't the only bullies in school, and that women could get just as vicious. Apparently, this was what they referred to, the ostracizing of a girl by the spreading of labels via rumor.
To me, this didn't seem like a big deal--who doesn't know how to be a good person, how to do the right things in life, and then be able to look at oneself and realize, "hey, I do the right things when I can, they do not--why am I the one cast in a bad light?" and then dismiss what other idiots say? Of course, there is room for self-rationalizing here  But apparently for some, the slut label is really a weapon of schoolgirls, not men of dating age--tho the latter do use it....did they perhaps learn it from their female friends (perhaps those interested in the boys in question, and trying to shoot down their competition?) | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:04:01 AM |
Onlythis: yer so full of it. You don't speak for me
Get a haircut "dude" .......
Only This, Hope that Macho thing works for you.
Nothing macho about it. Normal men don't need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. It's simply a fact of life. We are sexual beings.
In my entire life experience... high school, college, service, professional life, travels, etc.. I have NEVER met a man who needed to be "in love" in order to enjoy sex. The first time I encountered such a being was on dating websites where losers think saying crap like that impresses women... either that or they've simply gotten fkd up somewhere along the line. | |
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| Sex versus love
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:57:33 AM |
For many men, FWB is the ideal........ because if men can get sex without strings, they will try for that rather than work on a deeper relationship.
Id be interested to hear what (other) men thought about this statement.......
Hmm....?
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