| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:01:20 PM | Is that a big thing for single moms, the race of partner vs race of child? And if so, should I even bother? RegnisTheGreat, you're asking a question for which no single mother can give you a definitive answer. Even if a thousand or tens of thousands of single mothers posted here, no matter what the majority of those women said it would give you no indication whatsoever of whether or not you should "bother".
Even if every last one of them said I would have no problem dating a man of a different race to my child, you will still get 'rejections' on the basis of that in real life and vice versa.
Whether or not you "bother" is up to you. You should absolutely not be influenced either way by anything anyone else has to say about it. There is no one in a position to "know". | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:29:21 AM | Some time you will be rejected for having kids, sometimes you will be rejected for not having the right job, some times you will be rejected for being to tall, short, fat or skinny and yes some will not date you do to your race don't  about it just move on because every one will not reject you do to your race. There are lots of people who will not date outside of their race and there are some that only date outside of there own race. Both seem strange to me, but it is their pick. Have you ever rejected anyone? That'e the way this multicultural world works.
"P.S. - I live in Canada" Never mind AAAA | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:52:29 AM |
I don't think the OP is saying they are wrong. I took his second question of asking if we do not live in a multicultural world as questioning whether or not the response of the woman was even valid.
Also... understand that the reason she gave wasn't because she's not physically attracted to Chinese men. It was because she has a white child. Which is a preference. We are attracted to our preference and will dismiss due to the person not meeting our preference/attraction.
Semantics... but it boils down to the same thing. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 6:04:17 AM | This is a difficult subject to approach...without really knowing what her white child has to do with it. She may not want her child to date inter-racially or she may want to pass her child off as her new mans child...it's hard to make the distinction.
BUT
Don't give up! Everyone wants what they want. I try to be open minded when dating, but to be honest with you, I always go back to what I like. Some relationships are taboo...society is not always ready for what we as individuals are ready for...
Good luck with your search... | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:10:16 AM |
I'm not asking that. I'm asking "as a asian male, should I even bother emailing woman (if they're non asian) who are single parents?"
Single parent has nothing to do with it. It's a personal preference. Although we are in a multi cultural world, not everyone will date outside of their ethnicity/race. And, it goes both ways. I bet there are Asian women who will not date caucasian men, and so on. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:45:51 AM | As others have noted, it is the person, not their status as parent. The woman who responded to you in that way is just prejudiced and apparently felt it somehow necessary to use her child as a reason for her bigotry, or at least didn't have the stones to just say I'm not attracted to Asian men. With the advent of blended families and more and more adoptions that DO ignore skin color and culture, many people have stopped making assumptions or otherwise looking at people oddly when their family members do not seem to "match."
One of the pasty white families at church adopted a rather dark black girl, it tickles me that she couldn't have wound up in a whiter white family if she tried. Another gal at church is married but I was unaware of that and had never seen her husband. I assumed for years that her obviously at least half black children were adopted and discovered that they actually are her bio kids. My stepson's wife assumed that I was his mother and was confused when she met his dad and found that although Mexican, he isn't dark, looks similar to Italian. My stepson is quite a bit darker than both me and his dad.
My kids are half Mexican-American but only my middle son is obviously of Hispanic descent and my youngest is a cookie cutter version of me so the Hispanic surname has been a source of idiocy over the years with people telling my daughter, for example, that she isn't Mexican. She just looks at them like they are retarded because hellooo, where did I get my last name?
If a woman is attracted to people of other races and ethnic groups she is going to date you regardless of the biological background of her children, period. As our resident lint expert noted, it isn't always prejudice but what people are and are not attracted to. I have known black guys that would not date black women darker than they were, not because they thought it was somehow more prestigious to be high yellow or whatever, but because they were just not attracted to people with very dark skin.
Just remember if you get an e-mail of that nature from anyone, you saved yourself some time and wouldn't want that person in your life anyway. As for the whole parent thing, most women would be very happy to have a good man in their life and to be a positive adult male with whom their children interact whether they were white, black, green or purple. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:58:11 AM |
Some people are just too afraid to step outside what they know. As others have said each person has different things that attract them.
I am not racisit myself, yet I tend to go for guys that are tall, blond and blue-eyed. Though my sons father was shorter, dark hair and brown eyes, so it really for me anyway comes down to the personality, but there has to be some sort of attraction there as well. We are all different, you will eventually find some one who is perfect for you.
Very well said.
Karmic, I tend to do the same thing that you do. My ex was Hispanic. There are many wonderful things about that culture but there are also many that seem to permeate even those that are at least 3rd or 4th generation Mexican-American that are undesirable. The negative attributes are also similar, whole mindset about women, jealousy, insecurity, helping around the house, and the macho b.s. I will speak with anyone who e-mails me but I tend to avoid initiating contact with Hispanic men because in addition to the relationship, every Hispanic male with one exception I know exhibits some behaviors or beliefs that are cultural that I will never again tolerate in a relationship.
Similarly, my experience has been that people who are Baptist tend to be very judgmental individuals so again, I'll speak with people but tend to not initiate contact with someone who is Baptist because I know generally that means that are viewpoints and values are going to differ dramatically.
OP, anyone that assumes that you have certain views and values possibly because you are Asian but isn't going to take the time to find out whether you do or you don't, you would want them why? Karmic said that she keeps an open mind but is more wary of people of certain backgrounds. That is reasonable behavior regardless of the nature of the interaction, social, romantic, professional or otherwise. I think the open mind is more important than the wariness. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:10:42 PM | We haven't reached the point , thank goodness, where liberals can dictate to us who (or what) we should date out of political correctness. They have encroached on everything else however where our lifestyles are concerned.
If she politely told you she is not attracted to non- whites or Asians, which is what she really meant), respect her wishes and move on. I don't see the point of starting a whiner thread. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:25:59 PM | OP: I would not necessarily call this "racism."
I'd call it a cultural preference.
My son has cousins who are half black, half white, and the blending of such different cultures can be challenging.
Just keep fishing. You'll find someone who is right for you. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:47:18 PM | | I dont think this had anything to do with her children, its just her preference and she used her children as an excuse..im a mom of two my kids are a mix but that doesnt mean that im editing out my choices due to the coloration of my kids skin. I didnt get with my ex due to his skin tone and refuse to choose my future mate due to the color of his skin tone, so if there was a great asian,white, black or arab man who was everything i wanted and was ready to accept my children..well yay : ) | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:40:49 PM | Hmmm... My son is half-Korean. Should I only date women who are Asian? 
What I see a lot of is women saying that they don't want to date someone of their own race. I wouldn't call it racism; people just know what they want. Are we going to call people prejudiced because they don't want to date someone overweight? If a gay guy hits on a straight guy, and the straight guy says he's not into guys, is the gay guy going to call him a homophobe? | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:00:13 PM | Raine1961
I'm really surprised you were in Ottawa, I can see this happening in the States. It might only be an excuse. Maybe she just isn't attracted to Asian guys. Just like I'd prefer not to date guys from Gatineau. lol (Ottawa joke).
I think that there's a good chance you're right but why lie? Seriously I never lie and if I honestly aren't interested in someone I tell them that. And Ottawa is fairly multicultural from my experience of living here, hence why I was so suprised. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:14:40 PM | | I am a white woman with white kids. I brought my kids up to believe that EVERYONE is the same as that is exactly what I feel. The problem, obviously, was NOT to be blamed on her child, but on her solely. I date all races. I am very particular about who meets my children but I did date a black professional male for a year and a half and my kids loved him. We are still friends. It is hard to know if people from other races are open to dating outside their race unless they advertise that. I think I at least hint to it:) | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:22:48 PM | | OP.. she might have worded it differently. Using her child as an excuse was just that. It's a preference thing for me and I always feel awkward when I decline emails from people of other cultures. Its NOT racism for me. I've dated east indian men and my nephew's father is from Uganda. She could have been politer about it but at least she told you up front. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:40:46 PM | Nah that lady wasn't very nice. She was a little ignorant IMO.
I never taught my sons to judge. My youngest has a diverse group of friends and he is white. That is his skin color though. We are quite a mix of Italia, German, Eng Irish.
My older son is half Mex. I won't judge the Hispanic community based on his father. His whole family is even on the dad cause he is irresponsible, spends money on drugs and alcohol after we split. I only known him to be an unemployed lazy drunk to say the least. He was ok till the baby came.
Some people just want to stay within their race, but for her to say that to you OP was wrong. That was mean. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:56:39 AM | "I took his second question of asking if we do not live in a multicultural world as questioning whether or not the response of the woman was even valid. "
Perfectly fair assumption. I don't necessarily see it like that, though. With that question alone... I see it more along the lines of why does she have that preference instead of she's wrong for this preference, right?
Though my response was also without realizing the thread title includes racism. No, I don't think this is racism. And I agree with you. People have preferences. And that shouldn't be a problem. There's no need to say that person hates what she's not attracted to, though. And that's perhaps when it starts to involve racism. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:47:52 AM | Just keep fishing!
I had never dated a non-caucasian, married a white man and have three white children. I was approached on a dating site by a black man, and we have fallen in love and are getting married. I am so thrilled to marry such a great guy and have him parent my children with me. The bonus is that I will be bringing the issues of racism, acceptance, and tolerance into my home and my caucasian children will experience the diversity of having a black father and mixed-race siblings.
One of my good friends lost her husband in a car accident 6 years ago, when her babies were just 2 and 8 weeks old. After 2 years she started dating and is now engaged to a wonderful man who happens to be Chinese. Her family, like mine, will be blessed with the diversity.
There is someone out there for you, and the fact that you are willing to build a relationship with a single mom says a lot about your character. You'll find someone who loves you for you, regardless of your race, and if you're lucky enough, you'll find a woman who finds your ethnicity to be a bonus! | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:15:10 PM | | I think part of it also is that some people are raised with families who let it be known that dating/marrying someone outside your own race would simply not be acceptable. I know someone who is not racist but would not date outside her own race simply because she knows it would never be accepted in her family. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:15:10 PM | Thanks all for the advice you have given me. I've seen what you said and realized that I shouldn't really bother with the reason, its a 'no' like any other no. Just move on and forget her. As for the question of single moms, I'll still message them if I like their profile no matter what.
And luv2drinkchai, I disagree with you there when you said "and the fact that you are willing to build a relationship with a single mom says a lot about your character." It really doesn't and I really don't understand of why a lot of guys don't date single moms. I have my criteria for choosing someone to date, fall in love with, marry, and settle down with. The fact that she has children or not is not one of those criteria. Most of my criteria has to do with how she deals with conflict, interests, how family oriented she is, etc. If a single mom and I are involved in a long term relationship, then I would treat her/our children as if they were my own. I would do anything for them that I would do for a biological child and I would treat them the exactly the same biological child. For me the most important thing in life is not money or job or car or house or whatever, is it your family. I would do anything for my family if needed. I've canceled an entire vacation once (and lost a huge deposit) to go home and care after my dad after a surgery. I would do it again right now if needed.
And yes, I've been told I'm a weird guy. In a lot of Asian cultures, divorced woman or single moms are looked down on which I can see as the reason for some initial rejection. And yes I am Asian, but I'm not. I've grown up here and my values are mostly western. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:20:40 PM |
And carterscutie85, I disagree with you there when you said "and the fact that you are willing to build a relationship with a single mom says a lot about your character."
Ummm...I didn't say that. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:26:38 PM |
And carterscutie85, I disagree with you there when you said "and the fact that you are willing to build a relationship with a single mom says a lot about your character."
Ummm...I didn't say that.
Sorry quoted the wrong person.. long day at work | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:42:20 PM | I wouldn't call this racism.
She has a white child. She prefers or desires that her child have a white father.
If that is what she wants, what's the big deal?
Racism is about exluding one based on race.
Is it racism because she chose to exlude you from her own dating circle because of race?
I don't know why white people would exclude anyone from their dating circle. They should be exposed to as many diverse people as possible - makes them better, well-adjusted, tolerant, and overall well rounded folks.
But with POC, I understand it. With Asians, Indians, NA's, Africans, and some Jews it's about a loss of culture, language, and a gradual erosion of theirs that is not white and western. (check 'Lament of the Cherokee Nation' song). That's why they prefer to intermarry among themselves, especially where the children are concerned. With that - it may not make much sense but it's only a hop, skip, and a jump that some whites may feel similar with it comes to intermarriage with POC and their (white) children. There may forsee issues with race, culture, or their kids trying imitate or buy into a culture or race that is not their own.
Or they may use this an escuse not to date you because you are not white.
I don't think it's hopeless. Clearly there are LOTS of whites will date and marry POC, and some have a desire or preference for specific POC such as Asians or Indians. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:18:00 PM | | The race of the men I date has nothing to do with my daughter's race. It has to do with attraction for me. I would date Asians (never had one interested, though), but that doesn't mean every woman will. Just like there are some Asian men who will not date white women. To each their own. If you are attracted to a woman, don't let her race stop from you from approaching. | |
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| Single Parent and Racism (for the kids?)
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:18:52 PM | Hey, family gatherings with my family look like a Benetton commercial... there I was with my SO who was half Japanese (looked Hawaiian - curly hair), my niece who is half First Nation, my other niece who is half Black, my nephews - half Portuguese, and my other sister and her wife...
Yes, we do live in a multi-cultural society, but attraction takes all shapes and sizes and family does factor into it. Some have a more accepting attitude than others. And yes, maybe that particular woman was hoping to pass the child off as biological in a future blended family, etc. There is no logic to her statement without further context.
I like Asian men - heck, I like most men, but I prefer tall men, which can be a challenge with all races... You don't need to say anything in your initial contacts with respect to race. Your profile says it. Granted, some people have a stated preference for certain races, but don't let it stop you from contacting anyone you find of interest. Those who are open will respond, but even those who like Asian men may not if they don't find YOU, in particular, attractive... same problem everyone on this site has... they need to find the individual attractive. | |
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