| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:10:28 PM | I'll tell you what happened. I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
Imagine how wrong I was. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:59:53 PM |
I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
She lived with me a few months before the wedding so she got to see me first hand before she was in too deep to get out.
So, which was it? Did you knowingly and intentionally affect a false persona for two years, so you could get her to say, “I do”; or did you show her the “true asshat that is you” a few months prior to the nuptials, so she could say, “I don’t” before it was too late?  | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:03:47 PM | I don't know anymore. I don't even see the contradiction in what you just quoted but apparently you do. I think I'm losing my mind over this.
All I know is I feel terrible. I loved her but for the wrong reasons I guess. I thought she saw the real me but I guess she didn't. I just don't know! All I know is she's gone, she doesn't love me anymore and I'm all alone again. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:31:34 PM | Sounds to me that she was building a life and your were just letting it drift along.
Sometimes people operate at different paces and want different things. Maybe you two just didn't do your homework properly, before you chose to live together.
This is why I think it is good to consider the person's lifestyle before you move in with them.
Even though you may love them, if you are a different type of person, the way they live can drive you nuts. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:38:54 PM | We were always different people, but I certainly never thought it would be a problem. Especially after seeing no problems the first few months living together before the wedding.
Now I'm faced with only one option. Forget her and move on. I have never had to deal with this before. I've read a lot of bitter words from people in this thread, people who have no doubt experienced this in their lives. This is my first time, people. I felt her to be my first real love. It was certainly my first real relationship. And would you believe it, it's my first time being dumped. And you know what? It hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like dying. I can't imagine how anyone on this Earth could ever cope and get over such a horrible, demoralizing feeling. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:13:58 PM |
I'll tell you what happened. I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
Imagine how wrong I was
Now I see, you lied to her, played games with her, married her and then the real you shows.
I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much
You should be a comedian. That was funny. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:28:01 PM | She was cheating mate, what does your instinct tell you? you know what im talking about. all these other posters who are telling you to change so much shit about yourself that you, yourself will be unhappy forever.
Exactly, she knew what you was about and what you do before she made her vows. So if she had a problem with anything like that she wouldnt have "fell out of love" with you in the first place.
She has found someone else, and like you said, the moment you slip even in a conversion she will bite you quicker than any creature in this world lol. reason being is she is LOOOKING for a reason to find an exscuse to dump your ass for someone else she took interest for. Just trust me when I say, she is the branch hopper type. They are the type that are dependent on men, they just cant stay single because they are affraid.
Word of advise: Stop chasing, stop talking to her, and yes she probably does still have love for you in some sort of way, but you HAVE to sit back, you have no choice anyways and grieve and move on like she has before you even knew it. Because if you keep asking your self why? even after finding out she did cheat on you (vicious cycle, I went on for 2 years till 8 months ago)
And you know what mate, I promise you if you stop and try and improve yourself, because your number 1 now, you come first, meaning start improving yourself and take the experience to move forward and be a better person. Then you will see how much MORE happier you are without her (yes I still wish I was with my ex but doesnt mean I will if she wanted me back). Maybe you both need to grow up and if your hearts are really set on each other then one day maybe 10 years from now you will be back together again if you bump into each other.
But if your going to waste your time and be the same person as you are now, your going to waste your whole life pining over 1 person when there is 10000000000000000 people on this planet.
Just sit down and think of what I said. Ignore the posts that you feel are negetive. you need nothing but positivity from her onwoods because thats the key to move forward.
Zaf goodluck bro!! | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:39:20 PM | | If she really did cheat that makes me feel so inadequate. It means I was a failure as a man, that's why I cannot admit she is cheating and will not admit it. And if she was cheating I feel I should have revenge on her for that. And I especially would like to teach a lesson to whoever the guy is. The mere thought of her being happier with someone else makes me absolutely sick. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:00:03 PM | I didn't read the whole post, but from what I could gather, it seems to me she did not take into consideration some of your "habits" prior to marriage and then when she lived with you fater marriage she realized how annoying they were. What's that old saying? Oh yeah, look before you leap.  | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:00:14 PM | I'm glad there are mediums in this thread that can look into time and see your ex was cheating.  More then likely she wanted a mate that was present and alive in the relationship. Not only on your terms and timing. She probably gave in countless times to make it work. Probably ignored the video games, the emotional withdrawal from you. Even doing her best to brush off sly put downs that had no truth to them. However there are deal breakers, and maybe all that just mentioned combined with the lying you admitted and maybe one final nail in the coffin. I'll give you an example:
I know when I used my ex's pc to print off some references , I went to my recent documents to pull them up and I saw pictures with a woman's name. So I looked. I later asked him about it, he told me it was some woman he had dated a couple of months ago during one of our 'time off periods' which he usually intitated by being emotionally cold but blamed me because he claimed I started everything.. I remembered and I said the one you went to hear sing? By the way, I grew up singing and went to college with a vocal performance scholarship, not once did he ask me to sing in the time we were together, which was close to 3 years. I cannot tell you how deeply this hurt me. I gave him another chance during our conversation, I asked so did she break it off or did you? He said she did, and he gave some reason. I said so you would have kept seeing her if she had not broke it off. He said yes. So i knew this is why he and I got back together and I don't want a man who treats me like this, it broke my trust completely. I gave him one last chance to redeem himself for being so caloused and hurtful. I wanted him to be nice and geuniely sorry for all that. He said he was tired of the drama(most over used word of 09') and of kissing my a$$. That was it, I wasn't mad, I wasn't sad, I wasn't hurt. I WAS DONE 
Hopefully, OP that will give you some insight into your own situation. I wish you all the best in your life. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:16:57 AM |
I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
Imagine how wrong I was.
You think you have a sweet affectionate sexy loving man,
and then when he thinks he has you in his pocket he stops the act and the real
cold withdrawn moody jerk appears.
I can't say I blame her one bit for leaving. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:40:43 AM | Well, let me ask you all this:
If I truly and honestly want to be a better person and to show her the love she deserves, does anyone think it is at all possible that one day she'll want to come back? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:31:51 AM | OP that's like asking us to look into our crystal balls. There is no way to know. What you can't do is sit and pine for something that is gone. Work on yourself, let her go, date others. If it is meant to be it will be.
Also, if you haven't seen a lawyer yet you should. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:15:35 PM |
I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much. I don't mean to get on your case as you are in enough distress, but the above statement really says a lot about you.
Sex does NOT make a successful, healthy relationship, it's an important part but if you were basing the security of the relationship purely on the fact she enjoyed having sex with you so much then you have a lot to learn. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:47:01 PM |
I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
Imagine how wrong I was.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. I will go out on a limb here and say she didn't like the post honeymoon you. If you were yourself from the beginning, it is highly probable she wouldn't marry you to begin with.
You should seek out some profession help. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:54:58 PM | WoW killed my marriage. We were both hooked. It's a cancer. People who haven't been there, it's hard for them to understand. It sounds crazy, but that game hooks folks as strongly as gambling or booze. We're divorced now, and I stopped playing WoW and I'm so glad...life's getting good again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel my friend, but you have to quit that game (if you haven't already) cold turkey and move on. We were also drinking too much and smoking...we turned into really nasty people and didn't appreciate each other any more. He started a relationship with my friend, I mentally checked out of the relationship bit by bit, like your lady. There's a saying that once a woman's heart has closed to you, it's closed forever...I'm sorry OP.
Your story mirrors mine a lot friend, he was suspicious of me (even though he was cheating...not saying you were friend), I was jumpy and suspicious too. I think we were both a bit mentally unbalanced. Just a lot of things out of whack that culminated in divorce. I'm happier now, and I haven't seen him since we parted, but I wish him well.
I hope you can learn from this and become a better man...take care!
PS - hun, you've changed your status to separated - that's good. It's not fair to the women looking for an unattached man. Actually, take time to be single and get your head on straight...I mean this in a gentle way, you're undateable right now and it wouldn't be fair to a new lady. I took two years off from dating, had friend fun, learned about myself - it's okay to be alone for a while! It's not up to another woman to fix you up again. You're still married. Separated = married. Start being a better man by doing the right thing and not looking for a 'replacement' so fast.
PS PS - I also think, and I'm saying this gently, that some therapy will help. You feel a lot of anger, you're thinking about 'revenge' (when one plans revenge, dig two graves), you're having trouble coming to terms with things. I started therapy after all this happened to me, and I credit it for helping me get my head screwed on right again. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:43:29 PM | I thank you for your kind words. You are right about WoW, it is definitely a cancer. She asked me only to play less and over the course of a few weeks that less playtime turned into me quitting entirely. However, I picked up another online game, quit that then just played on playstation in the evenings. I felt I needed something to do because she was, at this point, not communicating with me at all and any time I tried to talk to her it would end up in argument.
I'm going to give her time. I still have this feeling in my heart that in a month or two, or possibly more, she may come around and start missing me enough to give me the chance she won't give me now. That may sound obsessive I will admit but I feel being patient and for the moment moving on with my life is all I can do because sitting around feeling horrible is not healthy. As much as I don't want to be sitting around though I don't have a choice, I'm still out of work and it will be a few weeks before I find out if I got a new one.
Part of me wants revenge but part of me knows it's not right. Part of me tells myself "she's obviously not right for me if she cut out of such a young marriage" and another part of me can't accept the fact she may be gone forever. I'm completely torn between two extremes and going out of my mind. If she had just stayed and given me more time to realize what I was doing I could have fixed it. I know I could have. Just because I didn't know how to be a good husband doesn't mean I didn't want to be one. Before my wife I had two girlfriends, each relationship lasting a month. Then 2 years with her and marriage. I had no idea WTF I was doing in terms of connecting emotionally or being part of the team. She never dated either so I think she was equally inexperienced and immature and it just ended up as this.
As far as her facebook seems, she's moving on with her life without a care in the world and that sickens me. It leaves me fearful for the future, despondent over what could have been and what will most likely now never be and angry that some day another man might make her happier when that man to make her happy was supposed to be me. And it wasn't.
I may have always been a bit narcissistic but so was she. And I certainly wasn't as completely mentally F-ed up as I am now from this whole situation. I don't know what to do with myself. Every day feels like a month, every minute feels like an hour as all I can do is wait, entirely unable to control the outcome of this mess.
You say when a woman closes her heart it is closed forever. That may be true but I am still holding onto the hope that this is not the case for my situation. Two years of being in love doesn't just get completely destroyed by six to eight weeks of conflict. It just doesn't. I know she still has some in her heart for me, but she's too angry right now and will be for a long, long time.
All I can do is wait and hope it gets better. But please everyone, try and see through all this. I never felt I was a bad person. I was just inexperienced and immature, but I never sought to hurt her. I didn't formulate this plan to make her fall in love with me, then marry her then break her heart. It just happened and it makes me feel so absolutely awful that I did it because I didn't mean to. That's not me.
As for going single because I wouldn't be able to hold another relationship, that may be true. But I just can't be single. Before I met her I was miserable and afraid every day, miserable that I was lonely and afraid that I very well might be forever. Then she walked into my life and all those feelings disappeared and it was wonderful. Now she's gone and they're back 10x worse than before. The only analogy I can draw is that of hunger. The more hungry you get the harder you search for food. You don't just accept the hunger and let yourself starve to death. That's how I feel about love and companionship, it's how I've always felt. I was starving for someone to love me and she did. Now she's gone and I'm hungry again, the only natural reaction I can think of is to want it again so everything will be all better.
Well, I've said enough, here's more fuel for you folks to psychoanalyze how horrible a person I am. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:51:02 PM | Ah, my friend - I'm glad you came back to your thread. It's a tough one to read. I can really empathize with you on many levels. I was a little like you and a little like your lady in this story. You are not evil, bad, whatever adjective you're feeling right now. You're human. We make mistakes. I was right where you are now in 2006. Things will get better, you have to believe me friend. I got some therapy, took some time off work (I was lucky to be able to do that), quit the booze and games, lived alone and was alone for a long time, did some traveling, reading, took care of myself. It was a long road, but now I'm dating a good man, we're thinking about getting married. I feel like my old self again. You and I are valuable, worthwhile people - like everyone else. Just try your best, day by day - it'll get better.
Be brave. Seek therapy (I know it's taboo for a lot of people still, but it's really given me new and better tools to cope with life in general), seek your doctor if you're getting depressed (which I feel may be happening to you friend). Be gentle on yourself. Please. Take care. I'm going to check back on this thread to see if you update - it will get better, just work on you for now. Okay? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:55:36 PM | If you're equating Wow to cancer - or as the 'cause' of a failed marriage, you're seriously deluded.
Like people who blame drugs or alcohol for their own (or anothers) inability to avoid or use in moderation.
It's your reluctance to seek the truth - that's your only 'problem'.
Many play and use without consequence. Moderation. Truth. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:03:10 PM | I am grateful for this thread and showing a divorce situation as I have never been in one.
If a relationship or marrige goes wrong there must be errors on both parts I feel one counter acting the other (not in all cases I may add )
Something said on here is something I have been accused of to quote " looking for a replacement "
Its really the wrong way to be thinking and beating yourself up about what you did wrong is not going to help you move on ...which you need to do get yourself together before you even think about being with someone else ..how unfair would that be to the new person .
I truly hope you find happiness again ;)
I do however agree with the above comment WoW I can assure you is not the same as cancer , you have a choice whether you play it real cancer is not an addiction, wish it was and they did a group thearpy to get over it ...
think you need to choose your words more carefully | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:35:12 PM | I just finished up another argument with my wife. And I have to admit I feel better. Yes, I screwed up, I was insensitive to her needs but she never once really told me how she was feeling. Not one damn minute. If she had told me what she was bottling up inside this could have been avoided. It was my fault for settling into my old habits and letting down my "best behavior" attitude that you have when you first start to date, but it was her fault for not honestly trying to fix it with me.
I'm over her. She's never coming back. She does not have the capacity for empathy or forgiveness and I don't need to be with someone like that. Yea, I played lots of WoW. She never once said "I feel like you're ignoring me." Not once. She tried to hint at it but she was too cryptic, too subtle. Men don't read subtlety well and I'm sure we can all agree on that.
And the real kicker is this. Throughout our whole relationship she always spoke so highly about how she never regrets anything in her life. And that's why she's so angry now. She regrets marrying me and will not admit it to herself. Her pride is just too great. Well, regret is a part of life. I learned my lesson from all this. Maybe one day so will she. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:02:40 PM |
I took the "best behavior" attitude you take when you first start dating someone and proceeded to project it throughout the entire relationship without ever really being myself. Then when we get back from the honeymoon I start being myself entirely because I was so certain she'd never leave because she enjoyed the sex so much.
This pretty much sums up the problem here. Any other comments are meaningless! When you act like someone else, she is marrying someone else. Maybe she was acting too!
Next time, be yourself! You will both be much happier!!!
And if you feel like you are giving so much of yourself, you will grow to resent her. Trust me, it happened to me, and I turned into a real azzhole!!!
Every relationship has three "people" that need to stay happy and fulfilled: you, the other party, and the relationship. All three need to be worked on and nurtured or failure is a certainty! | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:38:20 PM | And yet, after everything I described, does it make sense to ANYONE here that she would lose all love for me over this?
Yes. YES, it makes total sense.
It doesn't make sense that she married you, but then I read how you put up a front for her until you were sure you had her. HORRIBLE!
You seem lazy, selfish, delusional and demanding.
She is done with you. She's DONE. Damn, I'm done with you and I only read your thread...
Asking for the ring back was a total slap in the face and you were basically telling her you didn't want to work it out. Period. A guy asks for my ring back when we're fighting and you better believe he'll get it back - Will he ever get me back? Never.
She's not crazy and you're friends are LYING to you when they say you did nothing wrong. Would it have been so horrible to lay in bed with her until she fell asleep? Did you ever consider her feelings even once? Sure you tried to quit smoking and go to the gym... but that was too littlw too late. You wonder why she was so distant and stayed out late - she probably couldn't stand to be in the same house with someone so cold who'd rather play a video game then cuddle with her.
Ok, I guess I have been mean enough. I think you just need a total wake up call. Her leaving you didn't do it so I don't know what will.
P.S I just read your profile and it's totally contradicting everything you wrote here. You did everything for her?? You're polite? You admitted here tha you're quite the opposite! Ugh, I wish posts still showed up on profiles. | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:44:00 PM | | She should have stuck with me and opened up more. She never told me how she was feeling, how was I supposed to know? | |
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| The Love of My Life is Gone Forever
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:10:47 PM | gah...be gone with her.
If you dig stuff like staying up late, playing wow, and chillin and having a good time than so be it. If she's not hip with that, then she just isn't right for you mi amigo!
let the stiffs be stiffs. Doesnt mean your not mature, or an adult, or a good man. It just means she wasnt the one that clicked with your interests.
I broke up with a girl i dated for 7 years for similar reasons. It sucked at first, but after I healed and regained "myself" I met a much more compatible girl. She loves Warcraft more than I do, will listen to my music collection with interest, and hang out till the wee hours of the morning. These past 2 years have completely rocked the 7 oppressed years I spent with miss "down to earth"
Dont hang on to this woman. She is simply not you. Who cares what she wants, cause she could care less what you want. Move on, be a strong bachelor, and then find a girl who suits you.
Heal your heart...love will come again!!! | |
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