| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:48:47 AM | When it comes to relationships I am not the kind of guy that would just break up for petty things anyways. It pretty much has to be something major that has to do with safety issues for either me or my child that has caused a breakup so those are things that NO second chances.
However, I have asked women out that at first may have said no from either looking at the pictures I had displayed or when i did not have much in my profile because it was in a state of creation, that had then read something else that i wrote that changed their mind.
My pictures were never very good on purpose. i know for me i hated to see someone that had awesome pictures like those glamor shots only to be disapointed after meeting them in person because those types of pictures display the best they would ever look and anything else seen in person would be not as good as what was in the picture.
I keep my pictures crappy that way I usually hear that I look better in person...
So a second chance in situations like that have been warrented but no to second chances after a break up.
I like to think that I am quite serious when it comes to relationships. If I commit to someone then little petty disagreements have no chance to break that bond in the first place, so a second chance would not really be an issue. I choose to communicate and resolve smaller issues instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Thinking back to past relatioships to see if any would be granted a second chance has me thinking just one that would at least make it to a second thought.
That one only because it was a communication problem and not so much a saftey issue leading up to the reason we parted ways to begin with.
Even that would be a hard thought to process though because when ending with few ties for me at least tends to yeild some bridges set ablaze....lol
I am an odd kinda guy I will often burn bridges on purpose when leaving to maintain a forward progression through life. I always thought if you always going backwards through life then that is time lost that could be better spent building bridges to move forward.
just my thoughts on it | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:53:37 AM |
Nowadays, exceptions to rules are quite frequent with me lol. Some aren't and they're not likely to change.
I am with Jinx and Stray on this one. It is better to remain flexible. But to also not go back to some state in which you were before. But like you, Division, I used to be inflexible. It worked great for me because my emotions were like a rock, impenetrable. It allowed me to date gorgeous women and dumb gorgeous women without even thinking about it. Unfortunately the gate to emotions work in both directions. If you close the gate, nothing goes out, but nothing goes in, and what goes in and tries to love you eventually will find the empty steppes of your soul and since there's no nourishment there other than the physical, the emotions perish. This was actually something I did enjoyed because in about a cycle of 4 months it would work itself into ending relationships and starting something new.
But I found a woman I felt in love, with her and with her children. When we split, after almost 3 years, I was left mourning the lost of the children and this woman. There's a point there when you then have to reflect and realize that the demise was as much my fault than it was hers. So yes, we are back together, but we are not reliving the past, but understanding that we need to both be different for it to work in the future. So in a way, a huge way it is a new relationship.
So I believe in flexibility, but also staying true to my convictions. It takes a bigger man to say, "I was wrong about this." It is a lot easier to say, to hell with this, but sometimes when you love something you become vulnerable but also you are willing to fight for that, which you love. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:56:33 AM |
If I ask a girl out and she says no, I don't ask her out again, no exceptions.
I don't agree with this. There are circumstances where I would ask her out again.
If I break up with someone, it's over, forever...........no exceptions.
This I agree with. Once I decide to end a relationship, it's over. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:05:11 AM | | Sounds like this is a case of people doing what they believe works for them. Some don't look back and some do. Long as they're not hurting us, who cares why they do it. There's no wrong or right way, only individual preference. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:11:14 AM | | For me over is over as well. Breaking up is no different than leaving a poor job choice, it will never improve and you do not go back. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:33:45 AM | | ^^^ I beg to differ! I left a job for better pay and opportunities. I returned once they realized what they had lost and obtained even better pay and opportunities - and stayed for many more pleasant and productive years. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:48:40 AM | I have tried giving second chances, but the same old issue always pops up. So it has never worked. I agree with the "circle of trust" thing. It's not impossible, but close to it, to get back in there once you've broken it.
I do have one or two guys that if they wanted back in my life, they could be.
But they'd have to be the ones to initiate it. It could just be a pride thing for me (or maybe I'm a realist), but if a guy dumps me, I'm not going to try to convince him to come back. I know in the past there have been a few guys who WANTED to (even though they dumped me), and I had to say no, you were right the first time. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:19:29 AM |
For those of you who give second chances, why?
When my husband left I was determined I was going to move on and enjoy single life. There was no abuse or cheating involved, he just wasn't happy and I wasn't willing to live, essentially, as roommates.
So I mourned the loss, casually dated a few people, got over my anger towards him, and started moving on. We waited the year's separation then met to discuss the details for the divorce. Three days before I was going to file the papers, I get a note from him saying he wanted to talk about trying again.
I spent a lot of time thinking about and reflecting on his note and our history. We had been together for 11 years and we had way more good than bad in those years. We were young and had no idea how to have a relationship.
In our talk, we realized some of our relationship shortcomings. We decided we would date for a while and see how things went. A year later we got a place together. We definitely have problems but now we can actually talk about them without getting angry and without necessarily finding a solution.
Why did I give him a second chance? Because I realized my issues with him were just that... MINE. I knew I needed to learn to accept him for who he is and not for the man I wanted him to be. I was also not willing to walk away from my marriage without giving it every last possible effort. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:16:44 AM | | OP: For me, it all depends on the circumstances. I'm flexible and know that life is not cut/dry...people change as we evolve (hopefully for the better) and circumstances change. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:24:05 AM | | Nope. For me, the thought process to end a relationship is fairly lengthy and involved. Once I make the decision that I am done, there is no going back. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:31:48 AM | You're right if they do it once they will dump you again. They weren't there for you in the first place as you were for them. How can you count on or trust someone who casted you aside. Let alone making you the friend loser... I have wised up and if they truly cared about you they wont dump you in first place. My ex is on the rebound getting treated like shit hehe... I told her thats what would happen. As for me I am looking but I dunno how I am gonna date being on swing shift now.
I didn't learn this back in high school either I asked out a gal I liked for a long time many times and she had always rejected me. I just gave up soon after and was she really ever worth the effort? No I don't think so now lol... but at the time I did. I was blind and younger too but have come along way. If they just flat out reject you they're just missing out. Not worth another try they had their chance. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:48:05 AM | It all depends.
I could never forgive a man for infidelity, and if there is not enough trust, and honesty in our relationship, then there would be no second chances.
I refuse to be one of those women who are continuously manipulated by men. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:54:03 AM | | Common sense would certainly come into play as to giving someone a second chance. If the relationship ends it has likely ended for good reason. If a date is refused, it is likely refused for a good reason, and IMO that reason is not likely to change. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:45:13 AM | Great topic, OP.
I'm one of the most critical, objective, black and white thinkers I know. In most things.
Relationships being one of them as well.
I tend to be pretty black and white about breakups, and second chances.
However.....
The possibility of a second (or third, or fourth for that matter) is entirely contingent on how I feel about her, and how memorable our past was.
There have been one or two women that I had relationships with, who I simply could not get out of my system. They possessed that intangible that distinguished them from all other women. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:32:11 PM |
People who give 2nd or 3rd chances WANT all the drama. They KNOW the level of misery that awaits them when they go back.. and miss it
Ive got to agree with this on some level. There is one particular ex of mine who just makes crappy boyfriend material. But dang, we are attracted to each other. We are also toxic as hell to each other. Its like a sick game of how much can we torture each other. When the anxiety level gets cranked up too high, one of us will dissappear out of the others life. Some how one of us always ends up contacting the other one.
I pulled the last Houdini, we managed to stay out of contact for over a year. A few weeks ago the phone rang, guess who was on the other end? He asked me to dinner, like an idiot i accepted.
We made it through dinner without ripping each other to shreds. Although, without all the drama there just wasnt a whole lot left to say to each other. He asked if he could call me again, i said yes. Deep down i know he wont, deep down he probably knows i wont call him either. We know each others games to well i guess and it is never gonna work. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:40:29 PM | Its my belief that only you know what you can live with and what you cannot live without. And a person should apologize for knowing what they can and cannot handle. Doesn't mean they are a bigot or prejudice, but means they may care more about the other person that we realize.
Because being with someone you are not totally committed to hurts both parties in the end. And life is to short to do what others think you should do, rather than what you know is best for you.
~Beth~ | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:48:33 PM | | I with you on that one Division, i even cut off blood relatives as well, If I don'e with you, I'm done. Although I can't really speak for second chances givers, I kind of can respect someone who has it in their heart to forgive and give someone a chance even after getting stiffed, i wish i could be forgiving, but I believe cutting folks off eliminates the chances of me getting stiffed by the same person dealing with the same offense. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:55:22 PM | OP, I find your smug attitude quite amusing and it really gives your youth and inexperience away!
If you're friends are awed by your self discipline, I suggest they get out more and stop being so easily impressed.
It's easy to declare a no second chances rule when applied to asking dates out. Big deal! You have nothing invested, so walking away is easy. That's not even different from most people. There are plenty of cowards out there, not risking anything in relationships - they're called perpetual bachelors!
Wait until you've actually experienced love and invested yourself deeply before you presume to counsel others as to how they should just walk away when the going gets tough and never look back.
Your rule is a lame strategy that will only keep you from attaching to anyone. If solitude is your goal - have at it. For most of the rest of us, we take big, often reckless, chances because the reward can be so great!!
The rule is: there are no rules. There are some statistical probabilities, but for every rule there is an exception.
There are guys that I've never given a second chance to and some that I have. I don't have any really strong regrets either way.
I think I'm not done with a relationship until I'm done with it. I may look back in hindsight and think I could have walked away sooner, but I also know that had I left sooner, I would have also been left wondering, "what if..."
Now these are actual relationships I'm talking about. I'm not advocating chasing someone around who won't give you the time of day. That's stalking! And it's pathetic at the very least and illegal in it's extreme.
The relationship I'm in now is a second chance.
We had a ridiculous, drama filled year together about four years ago. We parted explosively and didn't speak again for nearly two years. Then he looked me up out of the clear blue about a year and a half ago.
We spent a couple of months strictly as friends. We determined after countless hours of often painful discussion and disclosure, that we had each really changed sufficiently enough and in the right ways, that a second try was worth the risk and here we are still together and going strong.
Our relationship this time around is so completely different from our first go around that it's hard to fathom how the past one could have inspired the current one.
Go figure!! 
Our first kick at the can had all the right passion, but way too much baggage and fear based behaviour to succeed. The time we spent apart gave us the space we each needed to sort ourselves out and get focused and committed to the future. Our future together as it happens!
Never say never kiddo!
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:56:16 PM | People take things for granted all the time.. and everyone does it,
Some times people just need to realize that they lost something
in order to truely value it. ... That's where second chances come in..
A second chance is in MOST cases not alot to ask, ... when
you start giving 3, 4, and 5th chances is when you should
probably give your head a shake...
There are people out there who take advantage of second chances,
and use them to make the same mistake, but there are people who ask for
forgivness and mean it... thats when you need to open your eyes
and see how much you trust that person and how much you care.
=) | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:28:51 PM | I'm generally suspicious of cookie-cutter approaches.
A break up is usually a decision to end things because you cannot determine a solution to a problem. If a solution was found, one could resume again. Sometimes people don't invest enough energy into problem solving. Sometimes incompatibility is too big of a problem to solve.
My answer: It depends on the problem and the appropriate solution. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:42:42 PM |
A break up is usually a decision to end things because you cannot determine a solution to a problem. If a solution was found, one could resume again. Sometimes people don't invest enough energy into problem solving. Sometimes incompatibility is too big of a problem to solve.
Wow. As is always the case your wisdom speaks volumes. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:48:51 PM |
For those of you who give second chances, why?
I'll give the person a second chance in the way that, we could be friends after a breakup, certainly. (Even if it was a bad breakup relatively speaking, perhaps down the road we'd become friends). For a second-round relationship, though? I never recycle. I see no point in flogging a dead horse. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:02:46 PM |
OP, I find your smug attitude quite amusing and it really gives your youth and inexperience away!
If you're friends are awed by your self discipline, I suggest they get out more and stop being so easily impressed.
Could not agree more.
It is beyond silly to think of not asking another out again because of a first no depending on the reason for the no.
Anyone who has invested a great deal in a relationship AND still have feelings for one another are only cheating themselves by not giving a second or third or any number of chances. Why would I walk away from a chance of love because at first it did not succeed? If the situation just was not right at the time; it may be different now. A second chance situation may bring the mutual desire for lasting fulfillment that both parties seek. Although some of the issues that drove us apart cannot change they can now be dealt with. Other issues just require more flexibility from both persons.
When core values are more alike than not and the physical is a perfect fit it becomes self-defeating not to give it another go.
OP, your rigidity stems from fear. You are afraid of being let down or getting put down again. It takes courage to try again especially if it was the other person who ended it then wants another chance. As a man perhaps you fear letting another back into your life may be perceived as a sign of weakness. Strong men do not fear being thought of as weak for giving us another go. | |
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| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:45:13 PM | Well Division, I dated a man when I was 19 and we broke up. Technically he broke up with me. I was heart-broken at the time and it took time to heal. He tried a reconnection with me a few years later and I said no, even though I wanted to say yes.
Fast forward 23 years and we meet up again. We are both now in our 40's with children and have each grown up. We talk about the good old days and our relationship back then. We decide to rekindle our relationship to the next level and 6 months later things are only getting stronger.
Will I live to regret my decision to let him back in (something I have never done before even though it was attempted by some)? No because I am not a woman who believes in those kinds of regrets.....everything I do is an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person. I might have felt regrets along the lines of "what ifs" if I hadn't agreed to rekindle the relationship. | |
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