| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:45:13 PM | Well Division, I dated a man when I was 19 and we broke up. Technically he broke up with me. I was heart-broken at the time and it took time to heal. He tried a reconnection with me a few years later and I said no, even though I wanted to say yes.
Fast forward 23 years and we meet up again. We are both now in our 40's with children and have each grown up. We talk about the good old days and our relationship back then. We decide to rekindle our relationship to the next level and 6 months later things are only getting stronger.
Will I live to regret my decision to let him back in (something I have never done before even though it was attempted by some)? No because I am not a woman who believes in those kinds of regrets.....everything I do is an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person. I might have felt regrets along the lines of "what ifs" if I hadn't agreed to rekindle the relationship. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:13:25 PM | good grief. So many times I have seen people get all huffy and puffy with their stupid "rules" all to have it blow up in their faces when they really fall in love...
I have no rules for love. If I want to give a 2nd chance I do, if I don't , I don't. I go with my gut and treat every situation as unique, and individual. But then I have really only had longer term relationships, with only a few exceptions. So I do know what it takes to keep an LTR going as a partnership (vs. a petualant boy's monarchy) | |
|
| |
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:26:54 PM | | How does that saying go..."the bigger they are, the harder they fall"? | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:30:54 PM | | I'm generally not pressed to ask for, or give 2nd chances. If it sucked the 1st time, the 2nd chance sweepstakes will suck WORSE! That's knowledge gained from being pressed in the past. Good luck! Love, Titus | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:45:04 PM | | I am fully prepared to try again, if things have changed. Without change, you are only walking into the same thing again, and asking for a recurrence. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:53:02 PM | Most people aren't perfect and have encountered times when they wanted a second chance from someone else. I had a falling out with a friend several years ago and it might have been easier just to never speak to her again but our kids went to school together so I forgave what she did and she wound up saving my life, literally.
But I don't do things for what I might potentially get out of them and seriously, what do you get out of cutting things off permanently? If you liked them enough to have a relationship, I don't see why you need to treat them as if they have leprosy later. Sometimes people just don't click romantically, doesn't make them a bad person.
Similarly, sometimes we can't see things when in a relationship that seem pretty obvious once we are out of it and people can and do grow and if they try things again later find that the stuff that they fought about is no longer a problem because the underlying issues have been acknowledged and dealt with.
When you adhere so strictly to this type of rule, you are not only avoiding potential future pain but also possibly a great deal of joy. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:56:42 PM | | I don't usually do second chances, mostly because I've spent some time making up my mind before a break up, so it's not a big emotional upheaval followed by regret. By that time, I have mentally already moved on. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:38:02 AM | I believe in chances, im a nice guy and think people change. Some do some dont, but to me nothing can compare to love.
I met this girl when i was 18, we were together off and on for 5 years. I did something very bad what i thought i would never do and went to the bar one night got hammered and ended up going home with a female. Im not making any excuses about being drunk because i own up to my mistakes, the next morning when i woke up i drove directly to her house and told her. i was on my knees begging for forgiveness. I gave up all my friends that were girls, did what she wanted me to do. I went away for college to provide for our future family and it turned around on me. We broke up 3 months later, 4 and a half years it took for the pain to stop. i have been on only 2 dates since we broke up almost 8 years ago, i can never forgive myself for what i did and out of the blue we started talking again went through all that pain i caused her, me our family's. She say's it was a mistake to break up and now wants to get back together. we live very far apart now, i have visited her a few times and it was awkward at first but now its like we have not been apart at all. I thought my heart was as black as night and would never allow me to love again but everytime i have to leave to come back home it is the most painful thing i have to do. We have given each other many chances and who knows what the future holds but for me love conquers all, I will always be there for her and her daughter. I would love for them to move here with me so i can take care of them but in the end the decision is up to her, eventually you have to move on if nothing changes. Without chances i would not know what real joy means to just be in someone presence and be happy. im sorry i ramble i feel i needed to write this out.
Do what makes you happy | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:54:50 AM | If it's asking for a date, I may or may not try again after being shot down the first time. But for things that really matter, I would not ask for or give a second chance. And relationship is one of those things that really matters.
When I commit to someone, I am all-in. It would take monumental failures in the other person's part for me to call it quits. And if someone breaks up with me (for whatever reason), I take that decision as final. Breaking up is the end, now and forever.
This is not so much a rule more than a personal conclusion of gauging risks versus rewards. Sure, sometimes a second chance with the same person will end up being the best thing that can ever happen, but the downside is that it will be twice as disheartening to fail the second time around. For not only would I have gone backward and relive the heartache all over again, but to know that I have not learned anything from the mistakes of the last go around would be downright depressing. Some risks are worth taking, like making a relationship work with someone new, and some risks are not worth taking, like trying to rekindle an old flame.
If someone knows whether they stand with you, it's much easier in a relationship.
They know they don't have the benefit of a second chance after you've broken up.
I quite agree with the OP on this. There are consequences to everything we do, in every action we take. We all make mistakes and if we are smart enough to realize and learn from our mistakes, may be we'd regret what we have done and wish for a second chance to make amend. But life seldom offers second chances, and perhaps it's better that way. We may as well accept that we only have one shot at everything we do and if we miss, those are meant to be lessons for us to learn from. In the context of love and relationships, we learn about ourselves from the ones that got away. Hopefully, that knowledge will help us form better and healthier relationship with the next person that comes in our life. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:36:56 AM | OP has a valid position.
Relationships end for one of two reasons: incompatability or behavior. Incompatability (i.e. I want a baby/he does not; religiosity; values) is not negotiable. It is a deal breaker. Behavior (except for abuse (physical, sexual, emotional), infidelity/trust/boundary issues or addictions, in most cases) is negotiable and necessary (modify/enhance/understand) to sustain a long term relationship based on mutuality and commitment.
Second chances? Maybe if behavior is problematic. Maybe not for OP. He is holding on to his NUTS (Non-negotiable Unalterable TermS). Nothing wrong with that.
To feel safe and secure in a long term relationship, except for the deal breakers noted above, you must be able to say to your partner unequivocably "There is nothing you can do or say that will make me go away." I am here and committed to us period.
No in and out; no drama. Find a way or make one together. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:43:06 AM | I like your philosophy and I usually stick to it. Key word "usually".  | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:24:24 AM | Relationships end for one of two reasons: incompatability or behavior.
There are many more reasons why relationships end, such as poor timing or distance problems. Sometimes those can be resolved later, and things work out great. If someone was very compatible, but the timing wasn't right, I'd certainly give them another chance when that got resolved. Wait - that's what I did do, and have never regretted it!
Incompatibility isn't likely to change (same for behavior), so I agree with you there. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:52:43 AM | | For me it`s the belief that am not perfect nor is anyone else. People make mistakes in life..It`s that simple.. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:20:28 PM | Not everyone can give second chances, and that's their choice
Not everyone deserves them or understands the value of the gift
~sc~ | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:26:58 AM | | Well yes, it depends on what you are talking about. If he cheated on me, then that's completely different than if he told me a little white lie that he had to work late when he went out with the guys. I mean depends on what he did? | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:37:45 AM | | Ummm anyone know what happened to the op of this thread? The person they have showing is not the original op of this thread. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:05:14 AM | | I'm with It'sMargo on this. Under the right circumstances everyone deserves a second chance! People just don't seem like they want to take the time and work on relationships....just to easy to give up and move on. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:08:55 AM | I personally believe in 2nd chances. If its for the right reasons.
I agree that if I ask someone out and she says no, then later she says yes, then I will/would probably go out 0n a date with her.
If the break up is for mutual reasons like if we was dating then it became a ltr and we didn't want to do that and then we met back up then I'd probably say yes as well.
If its due to a stupid argument that we got "carried" away with then I'd probably stay with her if I was in Love.
If its due to excessive lying, cheating, addiction, etc then no more than 1 2nd chance. Esp for the addiction. People can change but if they cannot prove themselves that they did change or do the same thing again sorry but not for me.
I don't believe in more than 1 2nd chance. No 4th or 5th just a 2nd chance.
Just to add that if it was someone verbally and/or physically abusive to me or my children (if/when I have children). Then no 2nd chance period.
Best of luck to everyone | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:30:55 PM | Everyone break up for a reason BUT, if you break up with me fine, it depends how you do it.
If you tell me everything is fine and then one day the vanishing act and no return calls etc.? You will NEVER get a second chance with me. If you can't be kind and considerate enough of me to at least call and or tell me face to face then you don't deserve a second chance. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/12/2009 3:10:51 AM | | They are unacceptable and will go on forever. Once in you in you. Dont let him get in YOU | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/22/2009 12:34:28 PM | Depends on what the foul-up was. Everyone is entitled to make some big mistakes, though there are some that are not at all acceptable for a relationship.
In a case of emotional or physical abuse, I would not offer a second chance. I would end the relationship the first time it happened.
In the case of infidelity or dishonesty, I may offer a second chance to someone I really loved who seemed sincerely contrite, and I would make my views on the importance of honesty and fidelity clear to the other person. But I would probably not offer a third chance for this type of thing. | |
|
| Second chances?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:21:27 PM |
Ummm anyone know what happened to the op of this thread? The person they have showing is not the original op of this thread.
That's interesting. Looks like all the OP's posts were eliminated from this thread, but not from the site. | |
|
Home
login 
