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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:05:44 PM | Britt, you're only 25 years old. Good god ... one of the categories that I didn't list was that sometimes you're too focused on putting your career/future in order such that you try not to get into a serious relationship when you are younger. Give it some time. Frankly, I didn't get married until I was 31.
And much of it is that you just haven't found the guy that you're meant to be married to as well. Until that happens, of course the whole concept is not going to sound all that appealing to you. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:16:17 PM |
Honestly, I've been losing hope on the marriage thing for while now as I get older. I really want the whole family thing one day, but it gets harder and harder to trust people too. I mean, look at the rate people cheat and lie. Ugh. Seems like some people are NEVER satisfied with what they have...they always have to try someone different no matter what.
A certificate of marriage is not some kind of insurance policy or relationship panacea.
IMO, marriage should be abolished.
Marriages are designed to keep individuals together, not couples. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:24:05 PM | i think men are afraid that women may see marriage as a "warranty" or a "guarantee".
i've heard stories where women change, and give up being a pleasing partner after marriage.
couple of things that i imagine men are truly wary of (i know i am):
1. female partner stops becoming a lover once she becomes a mother
2. many females obtain security and confidence after securing a man (aka marriage) and develop uhm... interesting...personality changes.
3. if irreconcilable differences erupt and a divorce is inevitable, the man is pretty much financially and emotionally boned.
4. a woman who has just been so emotionally damaged by previous bad relationships that their hearts are pretty much not salvageable.
5. men only get more attractive with age, as they accrue experience, confidence, resources. seeing as how men define themselves by accomplishments, and these mental trophies builds upon itself. alas, the defining female trait is beauty and personality. and the former wilts with age, so personality becomes ever so important. if personality wilts....
life is cruel, sometimes. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:34:12 PM |
Studies show married men are happier and live longer. LOGIC would demand you would get married to be happier and live longer.
Hahaha I would find the results of said studies to be dubious, at best. If true, and I'm fairly certain the lifespan difference is near trivial, I would attribute it to factors external to marriage. That is to say: men don't live longer because of marriage, it's that men who marry live longer. Such men, from an evolutionary biology standpoint, would be selected for by women due to their overall health, i.e., their heritable ability to live longer.
Happier? I'll withhold comment on measurements of happiness until they can be made objectively. After three decades walking this earth I can say that my overall level of happiness is magnitudes greater than it would be if I were blissfully entrenched in the clutches of matrimony.
F. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:34:25 PM | Britt, I hear what you are saying... However verityone, does make sense their post...
It is easy to get jaded, and let distrust get into the way of thinking there is anyone worth your while... However it is important to find a happy medium, some of us were tooooo trusting...
Marriage has gotten to the point where it is seen as a disposable contract, one that seems good at the time, but when things get tough, file for divorce, because after all nothing lasts forever...
NOT everybody cheats and lies, nor does everybody need to look for someone different... Does it happen, YES, however there is no guarantees in life besides taxes and death...
If you are looking for a guarantee not to divorce then simply don't get married, however that isn't what you are looking for, so you have to take risks, and even hope for the best..
Be selective in who you date, and make sure they have the same values as you have in life, that can give you a better chance at success... Guarantee no, but it raises the odds in your favor... | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:36:17 PM | i wish the forums let you edit your previous posts. ugh, hate doubleposting but oh well.
this is for tufflove. you mention that men are happier and stay alive longer in a marriage.
these are the statements that i fear from a woman because it's with such passionate conviction and yet from someone who doesn't understand how a man thinks and is thus, unable to keep a good man happy.
men define ourselves by our achievements.
men would rather be a lion in the wild than a lion in a zoo.
live longer? peut etre. happy? not necessarily.
those happy men in marriages are happy because they are proud of their accomplishments in supporting their family. they derive pleasure from accomplishment. if they can't derive a sense of accomplishment in a relationship, their attention will eventually falter.
a couple of examples that can diminish a man's attention in a relationship:
1. woman thinking men are and should be interested in everything you do.
2. woman is expecting way too much
3. not telling us why you're mad/mood swings
4. not being able to adapt gracefully to inevitably changing environments in the real world
Addendum:
great, i see the "Edit Post" link now. /facepalm | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:52:10 PM | nexthyme,
I think that's why I'm so dis-trusting now, bc I used to be the other extreme. I let my guard down and trusted WAY too easily. I think it's just some of bad experiences I've had dating that have made me a little jaded. Hopefully I'll get past this. :) | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:12:14 PM | Married couples are more likely to live to an old age than their divorced, widowed or un-married counterparts, a new US study claims.
Research published today in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that people that never marry are almost two-thirds more likely to suffer from premature death, with single men more adversely affected than women.
By analysing census data involving 67,000 individuals between 1989 and 1997, scientists from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), found that in 1989 about half of respondents were married, two-fifths had either been divorced or widowed and 20 per cent were not married.
Although the researchers admit that by 1997 the greatest contributing factors towards mortality were old age and poor health, whether people were married or not had a significant impact on whether people were still alive, even after taking age, health and other factors into consideration.
US residents that had not married during the eight-year period were 58 per cent more likely to have died, whereas the increased risk of death for widowers and divorcees was revealed to be 40 per cent and 27 per cent respectively.
The UCLA research team say they were surprised by the fact that non-married people in good health were more likely to have died during 1989 and 1997 than less-healthy individuals.
The researchers explained that the unmarried group of people were found to generally be in better physical condition than their married peers, as well as drinking less alcohol and exercising more.
For men between the age of 19 and 44-years-old, the likelihood of death was almost double that of married men of the same age.
The authors of today's report suggest that marriage represents a "rough proxy for social connectedness", while not getting married may be strongly linked to "severe isolation". | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:47:39 PM | On the flipside I think we make too much of a big deal about getting married. The reality is that it's not for everyone and too many people are getting married for the wrong reasons...the biggest one is social pressure.
I agree with this. I wonder how many folks have made the decision to marry before they even met the person they eventually marry?
Logic has NOTHING to do with it. Studies show married men are happier and live longer. LOGIC would demand you would get married to be happier and live longer.
For men between the age of 19 and 44-years-old, the likelihood of death was almost double that of married men of the same age.
Married men are happier? I wonder what divorced men would say about their married years? Live longer? As the old joke goes, why do married men die before the wife? Because they want to!
For the death rate of 19-44 year old unmarried men, I wonder if it's a correlation between happiness or lifestyle?
britt...there a lot of men who are basically good for nothing....if you are looking for a husband...you are going to have to look high and low for a man who is offering anything of any value..if your goal is to get married and have a family...don't waste your time wondering about the men who are not offering you anything but a good time...don't even give them a second thought...they aren't worth your time...
Typical response from this poster. Man is no good for nothing if he doesn't meet her ideals.
Honestly, I've been losing hope on the marriage thing for while now as I get older. I really want the whole family thing one day, but it gets harder and harder to trust people too. I mean, look at the rate people cheat and lie. Ugh. Seems like some people are NEVER satisfied with what they have...they always have to try someone different no matter what.
It's the old "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:07:59 AM |
Married couples are more likely to live to an old age than their divorced, widowed or un-married counterparts, a new US study claims...
"No, Getting Married Does Not Make You Live Longer" - http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200902/no-getting-married-does-not-make-you-live-longer
"...Here I'll just briefly review some of the tricks the authors used to make the results of getting married look better than they really were.
The most popular cheater method is to pretend that people who are divorced or widowed never did get married. (It is the same method used most often to make the bogus claim that getting married makes you happier or healthier.) Practitioners of this bit of artifice are trying to make an argument that goes something like this: "Divorced people don't live as long as married people, so that shows that getting married expands your life span." But divorced and widowed people DID get married!
...
Now let me tell you the results of what is probably the longest-running study of longevity ever conducted. It is the Terman Life-Cycle Study, started in 1921. The 1,528 men and women, who were 11-years old when the study started, have been followed for as long as they lived. Two groups of people lived the longest: those who got married and stayed married, and those who stayed single. People who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, had shorter lives. What mattered was consistency, not marriage. The results were the same for the men and the women."
Bella DePaulo is a master debunker of all the studies on the supposed health/happiness advantages of marriage, which are churned out regularly by a veritable army of researchers being funded by the marriage promotion industry.
And, no, the article I;m referencing was written the better part of a year ago and therefore did not refer specifically to the UCLA study.
As the old joke goes, why do married men die before the wife? Because they want to!
I heard a slightly different version...
Married men live longer? No, it only seems that way.
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:16:44 AM |
That syndrome sucks. :( lol
Indeed! What some people need to realize is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The same would apply to LTR vs. Marriage. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:32:58 AM | | The main problem is that when seeking marriage some people just 'fake it til they make it'. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:34:38 AM | So a man and woman can't be in an exclusive, committed, and loving relationship, where both think in terms of "us", without marriage?
I also disagree. Why not? What is that paper does to "change" things? Nothing.
You don't love each other without paper? Besides some state have that so called common -law-marriage, where after a few years, you ARE married, even tho you never did the ceremony
Nowadays, if I know someone who is getting married, I always ask him..."Getting married, eh? Want me to just shoot you now?" [/quote} When I see the car with a "Just married" painted on the back window, I want to pull next to him and say -So sorry!!! You poor guy!!..LOL OK, it's not true at all. Read some pretty good answer, but this is OP's thread, so this is for her. I think she has a good head on her shoulder, I read her posts, and she will make a good decision. Edit..I messed up that box thingy.. For men between the age of 19 and 44-years-old, the likelihood of death was almost double that of married men of the same age Hm..Really? I am still here, pass 44...Hello!! Someone forgot to came and get me? But yeah, I heard that one before..Can't explain why is that, what is the logic behind it. Maybe the wife cooks healthy..She doesn't let him smoke, or drink.. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:31:05 AM | Just a quick add-in on the topic of married men supposedly living longer:
I don't think it has anything to do with an immediate physical benefit just from being a couple (e.g. "Oh my God I'm so happily married, my arteries have magically unclogged themselves with joy!"), I think it has far more to do with the subconscious switch to a more sedentary and cautious mode of living.
It's like a single guy at the wheel of a car - most of us speed to some extent, but suddenly once we have a baby in the vehicle, or an elderly parent, or our pregnant spouse, we suddenly slam on the brakes and are the annoying jacka$$ doing 35 in a 50 zone when evryone else is going 60+ 
This voluntary "slowing down" probably does far more to safeguard our lives than were we still single and left to our own "reckless" devices... As a single bachelor, I take part in all kinds of extreme sports, and my friends tend to do the same. But as I've watched some of them settle down, most have become unwilling to take such risks because they now have people depending on them and worrying about them. So instead of going on crazy offroad bike trips or skydiving they're suddenly sitting home on a Saturday afternoon playing in the garden trying to get tomatoes to flourish...
At THAT pace of life, I'd probably live longer too, but wouldn't be having nearly as much fun as I am with my current hobbies... Life's that much harder to sprint through when you're tethered to a ball & chain. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:19:43 AM | Tuffluv: a couple of problems with that study
But perhaps the biggest problem is that the time frame is too short - only 8 to 9 years - does not make it longitudinal. What they need to do is go back now, and see the same population and determine if people really did live longer and happier. I bet with the divorce rates being the way that they are, things are drastically different now. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:33:57 AM | | britt...please don't twist yourself into a prezel trying to please these men...they still won't be satisfied....you have so much going for you...that is the big secret they don't want you to know....once you lose track of that simple fact...you lose...keep your goals...and don't give up....there are good men out there....good luck... | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:19:53 AM | Logic has NOTHING to do with it. Studies show married men are happier and live longer.
I take it you don't learn critical thinking in law school (or the college it took you to get into law school).
The study shows a correlation between men who are happier and have a higher longevity with marriage. It does NOT show causation. It's just as possible that men predisposed to being happier (and therefore healthier) are more likely to marry and stay married.
You can't say what "logic would demand" unless you use a little yourself.
He's objectified women so much he can't see them as other human beings to have an emotional bond with.
Yes, but you can objectify someone and still have a positive image of them, as he obviously does, and which I would argue is better than your non-objectifying negative view of men.
In fact, your attitude begs the question as to what you're actually doing on this site. I hope anyone who happens by your profile and for some reason thinks he might like to get to know you reads your posts here first just to get a primer of what he's in for.
Research published today in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that people that never marry are almost two-thirds more likely to suffer from premature death, with single men more adversely affected than women.
By analysing census data involving 67,000 individuals between 1989 and 1997, scientists from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), found that in 1989 about half of respondents were married, two-fifths had either been divorced or widowed and 20 per cent were not married.
Although the researchers admit that by 1997 the greatest contributing factors towards mortality were old age and poor health, whether people were married or not had a significant impact on whether people were still alive, even after taking age, health and other factors into consideration.
US residents that had not married during the eight-year period were 58 per cent more likely to have died, whereas the increased risk of death for widowers and divorcees was revealed to be 40 per cent and 27 per cent respectively.
Again, I see a lot of correlation, but no indication of causality.
The only thing, using LOGIC, that I would argue would be a solid indicator of causality is that an older man living alone who had a critical health episode (heart attack, stroke, etc.) would not have someone to render aid and call for medical assistance. Easily remedied by living with another family member or friend. But there's definitely enough men dying for this reason to skew the results of any such study. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:29:09 AM | Nicely put, Tigerwoods. I have the same outlook you do, and I imagine scores of other guys think the same way.
Women, pay attention to this, instead of blaming us of being "scared" of commitment. If things go sour, the perception is-rightfully/accurately or not, that us guys have a lot more to lose. If your odds of success are not unusually high, then you(as a guy) are entering a sucker's game; kids involved or not.
Prenups may not be valid, so I've read.
The only way marriage makes sense to me, is for those who have been together unmarried, common law or not(is this even possible?) for so many years already and it remains a good relationship- yeah, make a party of sayin' "Keep on keepin' on | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:38:57 AM | I think marriage would be nice and I do believe in soulmates (maybe not just one though).
The problem is that my biological clock is digital, so I can't hear it tick, so I guess I'm not just not in a rush right now. Like I posted, marriage is not the be all or end all for me, so if I never get married, I can live with that pretty easily.
But I am not one to be committal, just have to find the right one and nothing has turned me on my head in the past several years. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:07:42 AM | I think for most men, it isn't necessarily about a fear of commitment, they just don't want to get stuck into a bad marriage with no way out(and I think women would feel the same); there is a difference.
I think a lot of men have also been witness to other males, either loved ones, relatives or anecdotally, get screwed by the court systems(I myself have bared witness to a few close relatives lose a lot and even forced to pay alimony to their ex-wives even as they found new permanent boyfriends and making a lot more money than their ex-husbands). I'm sure there are a lot of other reasons; over-controlling wives, being forced to compromise over too many things, condescending or unsupportive behaviors, etc... things that men have come to witness from their individual environments over time and do not want to repeat in their own lives. (you might find what you're looking for here: http://www.the-niceguy.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=34326, I didn't read through the whole thing but it might give some insight to some women as to why some men don't want to commit)
Personally, I believe in commitment and life long monogamy but I also want to be careful not make that commitment for the wrong person. I'm also very much non religious and find the whole concept of "traditional marriage" to be a complete farce. The theatrical ceremony, the shallow symbolism, the drama, etc.. it's all so ridiculous(And definitely costly, I would much rather spend that money on something beneficial to the relationship). I have never been one to do things because of tradition or simply because everyone else does it. I need to have my own reasoning behind it to support it. I would rather ask the OP(not trying to be a jerk or anything, just for conversation sake), why are some women so obsessed with marriage? (if you are aware of the effects of social conditioning and laws of conformity, why not think about marriage critically?)
On a side note, I also feel that marriage makes two partners take each other for granted. If two people can be together because they want to, even when they have the freedom to leave at any time, it makes that conscious decision that much more powerful. If two people are in a committed relationship and yet have nothing to hold each other together except for their own collective will, I think that is something truly special. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:04:37 PM | JCBoston.... you don't really mount a very good defense... no kidding.. single men die alone. Ta da! That is my point. Correlation vs. causation is not a factor because you're not looking at a prescriptive thing you are looking at past data. Those who chose to get married already lived longer. You are throwing out words you don't understand as if it will refute the data. Point is, those who are stable, sane emotionally healthy and choose marriage (good ones) outlive... bitter divorced men/confirmed bachelors who lead a lifestyle of some isolation and other high risk activities. Women SHOULD avoid these type of men.
Yes, but you can objectify someone and still have a positive image of them, as he obviously does, and which I would argue is better than your non-objectifying negative view of men.
Also, you don't know the meaning of the word 'objectify'. In this context it means to de-humanize... ie. make into an object. You cannot at once dehumanize someone and also think positively of them as a person. Categorically impossible.
Stick to IT.
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:53:01 PM | MSG #6
I like the idea of a special ceremony with a higher power. For me that is what is important. In fact I did that with my 2nd babies dad. It was only him and I and God. It is weird he passed this last summer. Had no contact for 17 yrs and it still hurt some. I must be a sentimental fool. Even after all the wrong that had happend and guess what once again no man bashing here. Sorry off topic but this seems to be a huge part of the forums. If we woman started uplifting men and respecting ourselves more things might begin to change. Atlhough I don't see that happening anytime soon. LOL | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:32:13 PM | i'm thinking tigerwoods has his finger on something too.
those married guys 19-44 who are so much less at risk are quote possibly feeling pressure, externally or internally, to be careful, risk less injury and decrease the chances of accidental death. that external pressure might be from an admonishing wife and other family members. that internal pressure might be the rightful sense of responsibility to family commitments like fatherhood.
point is, if you accept these contentions, it's not the state of marriage that decreases risk of death. it's personal choices about behavior that unmarried men can make, too. | |
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| Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:34:49 PM | Britt, I haven't read the responses to your question, but I'll give you the reason why men don't want to settle down as and have kids as much as woman do.
1. Women fall in love quicker than men.
2. Most marriages end in divorce.
3. Woman keep the kids.
4. Man works his but off to pay child support for kids that he never sees as the lady has put in a DVO for no reason while she stays at home for 18years watching Oprah.
5. Some women deliberately marry and/or have kids for this very reason. | |
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