| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:30:22 AM | | check out the book codependent's anonymous by melanie beatty. you are enabling the enabler. she won't appreciate it. get on with your life, stay out of her business, let her reach her own bottom. it's her decision. stay out of the drama and get your own adrenalin rush by taking up jogging, that is a way more healthy outlet. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:36:10 AM | | Waste of time..........she is going to do what she wants to do anyway. I guess you can only be there for her when it falls apart..........if you really care about her. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:14:39 AM | The choise is also hers, and look what kind of desisions she is making. She thinks that having this guy around is good for her son. She thinks that he had changed. She believes what other people are telling her about him, but those people most likely didn't try to live with him. (Also, it's a mistake to think that an abuser will display the same behavior towards everyone. Actually, an abuser abuses those who take this kind of treatment from him. She did, and she's likely to do it again. You are right about suspecting that.) She thinks that having this guy around is good for her son. But how what's bad for the mother is good for the kid? Instead of living her life, she is trying to tweak her son's life by bringing this questionable guy back.
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Now, the way I see it, I have three options at this point. And every one of them seems hard for me in its own way. I could leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend, and let what will happen happen.
Hard thing to do, but it's consistent with her desires.
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I could wait for her, and be there for her when the relationship goes bad again (which I and many other people are sure is bound to happen).
How long are you willing to wait? 5 years? 10 years? Don't put your life on hold.
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Or I could actively persue her and try to convince her to stay away from him, at the risk of what could possibly be best for the child...
Poor child... so many people are thinking for him while in fact they have no way of knowing what's better for him. But anyway.
Pursuing her now seems like going agains her desires. I'm willing to bet that if you were to do that she'd be mad at you at least half the time. Now let's imagine for a moment that you won. But then every little thing that goes wrong will be your fault because you chased this other guy, the kid's child, away. Another possibility is being stuck in the role of her protector, of that guy who she runs to when things turn sour. But as soon as things are OK again she'd want to keep the father of her son in the picture. In fact, this pattern already started. When you were around, she felt better about life. Now she wants her ex back. The next likely even is she all unhappy again. Here comes you. And so on.
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:34:00 AM |
should i try to win her back?
"win" her back? She's not a prize. Besides, you already told her to go to him, so why cry now? She's jumped back on the "abuse cycle", so don't let her run you over with it.
Run while you still can. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:38:09 AM |
I could leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend, and let what will happen happen.
^^^^ Yeah, that one! | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:33:54 AM |
As for the several people who basically labeled a young mother as "a girl with baggage", I beg you to reconsider that viewpoint.
I did not state that the child was “baggage”; I do not consider innocent children to be an UNRESOLVED issue. Her being a “young mother” is NOT what I was referring to. It is her inability to disengage from an abusive and unhealthy situation that is a sign that SHE may have unresolved issues.
seems a lot of people think I should just leave her alone and stay out of this mess. Well I cant entirely do that... I am beginning to think it would be best to just let fate run its course, but Im not the kind of person that can just drop a girl completely; especially if I care about her. So I think I will just remain behind the scenes as a friend and a shoulder to lean on if needed. If things eventually get serious between us again, so be it, but im only willing to give it one more shot... Meanwhile, I will continue my own life, and if I find someone new, then she missed her chance.
This is where I think YOU are out of line. This woman wants to try to reconcile with the father of her child. She doesn’t need another man waiting in the wings. You are interfering and sticking your nose into a situation that is NONE of your business. Your intentions are less than admirable. You have ULTERIOR motives; you hide behind the guise of “friendship”, but bottom line, you are interested in her ROMANTICALLY. Hello? She is with someone else! Do the RIGHT thing. Leave her alone. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:40:45 AM | | If you do speak to her let her know that she can call you if she needs to talk to a friend and leave it at that. She was married to this man and had a kid. Her decision to go back is her own and you should interfere in no way. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:44:40 AM | "I could leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend, and let what will happen happen. I could wait for her, and be there for her when the relationship goes bad again "
She made her choice..........it wasn't you leave her be now.
Find someone for you and move on | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:47:05 AM | Run, Forrest, run! Too much drama!!!  Recommend Door #2
leave her alone, get on with my own life, seek a new girlfriend  | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:52:21 PM | Mmmm, there are still problems here.
Krebby had good input, but I want to add another aspect I haven't seen directly addressed:
By standing by and waiting for her, you are acting as an ENABLER to her abused/abuser relationship. Standing by to be a safety net for someone might seem to be the righteous, heroic good-guy thing to do, but in some cases it can backfire in exactly the way I describe.
As for trying to win her back, that will usually make things much worse, for her and for the child. An abuser will likely increase his abuse if he thinks he's in a fight with you, as it is common that they think that the abuse is what keeps her in the relationship.
I think that keeping away is actually the best choice you can make for her, as well as yourself. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:07:39 PM |
recently she decided that she wants to try to make it work out with her son's father because she thinks it would be best for her son and because he is unbelievably happy when the two of them are together.
- This sentence says it all... the facts are, she does not love you, and is even less interested in you than in the ex... who she dumped! What does that tell you? - She does not love you and probably never will.
All other factors are simply rationalizations and excuses.
The heart does not lie.
Stop trying to be the "nice guy" and save a damsel in distress... you are not a thrapist... even if you are a counselor, you need to find a partner first... can't clean someone else's room before you clean your own. Plus, you need a willing partner.. and she is not it.
In any worthwhile relationship, both people need to feel love toward the other... and their feelings have little to do with yours. Sure, they appreciate that you like them back, but it is their feelings that can make it or break it. If their is no strong feelings of love in both hearts, we call that friends or roommates at best. Love is a necessary ingredient. Would a woman who loved her husband want a divorce? - Do you realize how important love is for a worthwhile relationship? She does not feel that way about you, quit spinning your wheels and move on. You only need one good one... and the more she loves you, the more valuable she is in a relationship. What is this woman's true value to you? - Zero. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:43:47 PM | | should you try and win her back? Not really because she decided she wants to give this guy another shot. From what you wrote, I think you still love her, so I know its pretty rough watching her go back to another man, but my suggestion would be to let certain things lie and mosey on somewhere else, but I also say do what you will, I would not blame you for chasing this woman if you truly love her the way you explained. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:14:31 PM | Your a your good looking guy, why did you ever hook up with a single mum????? why settle for someone else's cast-off's, never ever ever ever go near a single mum, they are just so bad news and full of baggage. Just get your mates together and go party and just think back and say "what was I ever thinking" think of this as a very lucky escape. Once you realise you can never compete with the dad you will get on with your life and date genuine single AVAILABLE women, this woman is a pi** taker and was never ready for a relationship and never will be. She loves the dad not you, tough to swallow I admit but just never contact this woman again. She will haunt you and you know what they say nice guys come last. Grow some big gonads and tell this woman to get stuffed. Then go find miss single right for you.
Best of luck mate. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:42:25 PM | okay, mr OP you need to leave this chick alone unless you want to die YOUNg or as a Martyr. this woman does not want you, she is using this child as an excuse or a crutch. just like when chris brown beat up rhinna, she got back with him and still look like she wants him back after that interview she gave today.
you look so-so, there shoudn't be any problem getting a chick without drama/problems/luggage. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:00:29 PM | You need to leave and get on with your life and never look back. She has made her choice... good or bad... and will have to deal with the consequenses as they unfold.
You are obviously a very caring person and deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you and ONLY you no matter the circumstances. The fact that she is even considering going back to this man means that she still has strong feeling for him and you do not need to get in the middle of that.
Be true to yourself and do not settle for seconds. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:12:44 PM | op
kudos to you for seeing beyond what people call baggage. i married my husband, he was 23, i was 29. i had three children. we were together 24 years. i am thankful that he did not see my children as baggage.
just let her go, do whatever you want with your life, hang out in the shadows, be a shoulder, date others........you will know what to do as things present themselves. you have a good heart.
kaylee | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:50:03 PM | | Personally, I never try to win a girl back. I say if they wanted to be with me they would have never left me in the first place, just move on and look for someone else | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:06:33 AM | Just to clarify, the term "baggage" means emotional baggage, emotional wounds/scars.
Children are in a separate category, they are seen by some as a liability; we call them "luggage". | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:13:42 AM | does not matter the term, luggage or baggage down right nightmare even, single mums for single guys is a total no, move on mate run forest run, do a Usaid Bolt for the door, why in the hell did you hook up ever with a single mum, they are just so much trouble. They are akin to leeches, look what she has done to you allready next thing you be going for a rope to hang yourself, get on the phone get your mates out and get them to change your no. forget this thing from the swap and move on. Your a good looking guy go date available unattached women and get your self esteem back. Think yourself lucky many man fell for this life trap and regret it all now. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:30:42 AM | honey-its just not gonna work...that is gonna be waaaaaaay lots of drama-and it may suck-get out while u can...she's an adult-she made her decision....
never get involved with this type of thing....there is never a winner..... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:32:04 AM | hairybear-ur last post made me sad..."us" single moms are not all like tha.....
i know i have never done anything like this scenario..... | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:54:12 AM | | ok Sbee read your profile and god what is it with you and "pie" never even had a pie in my life the real version not your idea of "pie" ok pointless in being sad, it's just my opinion, nothing more, I'll not make my mark on the world and nobody actually gives a toss about my opinion anyway. So care not my fair maiden what this dumb sh*t says. I have my reasons for being dead against single mums, it's just my life experiences, and besides you are american I'm not that has a hell of a lot to do with it too, just different cultures, nothing more. Go watch a few you-tube clips and get a smile back on your face. | |
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:55:06 AM | lol it was me trying to be funny(vagina pie)
and sadly-i dont youtube....rather read a book or actually*gasp* experience life
sorry u've had bad experiences with single moms tho...tha makes me sad that u seem so dead set against them....
and i laugh almost everytime i look in the mirror before brushing my hair(whiteman afro!!!)
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| should i try to win her back?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:58:58 AM | | yes I did get the humour Sbee91 I'm not completely dead inside........ I think!!!! anyway you have nothing to be sorry about thanks for the super mail you sent, that sure made me smile, but to the OP (freaking daft name if you ask me) you have both my pity and anger, you need to walk away plain and simple this is a very very lost cause and you do not need this in your life. | |
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