| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:20:28 AM | Has happened, No it didn't work out.
Any time
you feel cornered and pushed
Run....Something is wrong.
If they can't respect you wanting to slow down that is a big  sign. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:55:44 AM |
Has happened, No it didn't work out.
Any time
you feel cornered and pushed
Run....Something is wrong.
If they can't respect you wanting to slow down that is a big sign.
Of the 7 men I have met here from POF all of them wanted a relationship with me on the first or second date, and one even on the coffee meet.. I never made it to a 3rd date with any one of them once I told them I wished to go take things slow.
I hope this is not the case for the OP and this man who is presently bowled over with her does care enough to continue dating her.
As for the comment from another poster on this thread: Do not be surprised if he shows up with another woman if you don't adhere to this pace? Trust me we do not cry over something that was not there in the first place.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:11:34 AM | Let me see now.....in any developing relationship he has no stake in control of how things develop. Only she can exercise control, and if he does anything to exercise control or fail to let her have complete control, he is not the one for her and who cares what he thinks, feels or wants.
Is that pretty much it?
And people go on an on about how men are control freaks.....
Helllllloooooooooooo..............
Its a MUTUAL thing. That is the ONLY way it ever works. If you can't go with the flow, you don't go at all, so stop wasting other people's lives...... | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:22:42 AM |
Its a MUTUAL thing. That is the ONLY way it ever works. If you can't go with the flow, you don't go at all, so stop wasting other people's lives......
Wow just how does one go from being bowled over to dropping the ball?
Sorry this does not sound stable to my ears
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:34:35 AM |
Sorry this does not sound stable to my ears
Ah, because I think that the development of a relationship is a mutual harmony between a man and a woman, whereas you think its a control problem, I am unstable?
Hmmmmmm........ | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:40:16 AM |
Ah, because I think that the development of a relationship is a mutual harmony between a man and a woman, whereas you think its a control problem, I am unstable?
Carry on going through the revolving door....good relationships take time to develop.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:46:48 AM |
Carry on going through the revolving door....good relationships take time to develop.
Like you have any idea about what my life is like..........
Assumptions, assumptions. People should steer clear of them at all costs. You just end up feeling really stupid when all the facts are known....... | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:20:48 AM | This will be my last post on this thread. I let the conversation continue so you could see the other side as well as my concerns. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. There are good reasons for the feelings you are experiencing.
Take care Serenity... and I do hope he plans future dates with you..
Hugs
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:23:10 AM | | I suggest sorting rather than slowing. Ignore men who make you feel rushed. Go out with men who already share your preference for the slow way there. Deal with the person and don't waste time on strategies for changing how someone does things. Tell him you're not geared for his speed and wish him well. Don't ask him to slow down. He will find someone like himself, and you will find your slower man, and all will be well. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:35:41 AM | A really easy way to exercise control over the rate at which things are going is through availability. If you just make yourself less available, and the guy is not a complete dolt, things will slow down quite quickly. Its easy to do. Use an answering machine or service, be somewhere else when he is expecting you to be available. Take loads of time to respond to e-mails/text messages. Talk to him in a manner that communicates that you have your life organized and that it requires a decision on your part to change plans in his favour.
Simple things. The level you apply to it can be very subtle. I have found that a woman can cool my ardor with only the tone of voice she uses when she says hello on the phone. Its not all that difficult.
Of course, if you want to keep him on the hook while you decide where you want to go, you have to really think about how much slowing you want to apply. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:36:21 AM | OP ... some men just have to have things their way and I agree with the poster who said not to try to change him. If the pace is really too fast and you're uncomfortable with it, you need to let him know.
I don't see it as a "control" move ... probably more like just you letting him know that going too quickly is not part of your "comfort zone". If he doesn't get the message or feels like it is a move on your part to "control" him (as another poster has insinuated) ... then chances are he will back off and may just let it go with that.
Good luck! It sounds like you want this man in your life but it won't be any fun if he's pushing you to go too fast. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:38:39 AM | | I think you know you need to talk to him and communicate how you feel when he pushes faster than you are willing to go. There is no magic potion or spell you can use to make him slow down. If he is doing what he feels natural to him, you need to say and do what feels natural to you. If it is real, he will understand and have patience with you. If it isn't, be glad you had the talk. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:01:38 AM | Op, look inside...see what about you he likes and then decide...you are a very smart cookie...but in this case I think you have on your side the one thing most relationships lack...momentum
Yes there is the being lost in the moment type of thing and you feel like you are walking on air and you dont want to let go cause you dont want to get hurt again so you are applying BRAKES...ask yourself why?
I know if I am trying to make myself like someone I apply brakes...if I like someone I don't...figure out what you are doubting...is it you ...or is it him? | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:13:37 AM | Well as for me...I'd love to find a man that would throw
caution to the wind and fall in like with me
as soon as he met me. I usually know upon meeting someone
whether or not I like them. If someone was making plans to
spend the rest of his life with me and I didn't like him that much,
I'd be pretty annoyed.
If however, I liked everything else about him, I honestly think I'd
go with it.
I don't seriously believe you tell someone you really like to slow
things down...I think you only do that when you're not so sure yourself.
But of course that's just my opinion.
I personally run from guys that say "I'm taking things slow", " I'm not in
a hurry" , "I'm not going to settle."
I'm 57. While I'm not likely to trip the next guy that walks by me and
demand a relationship, I'm also not likely to pass by someone that I
really like because his schedule is a little more frenzied.
But to each their own of course.
 | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:20:44 AM | There's a lot of possibilities. He could be immature and, unwise in the ways of love and have convinced himself he's 'in love' when he may only be infatuated. He could be a nutjob. He could be a control freak. The cure for all of this is time. Tell him that the wisest of counsellors say that love develops slowly and that, if it is real, it can bear your taking time to get to know each other. If he comes up with excuses why going slower is a bad idea, gets impatient or angry, then you know there may be an underlying problem.
Bottom line - if it is real, it will remain real no matter how much time passes - so take your time!!! | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:27:54 AM | | It can be real and need to be done more quickly. It can be real and need to be done more slowly. To say that it would wait if it was real is true only if it happens to be the kind that takes a while. The kind that is real and goes faster, is still real, it just works differently with respect to timing. The idea that the woman sets the pace and then if a man is willing to match her pace proves whether it is real or not is probably just another way of saying that unless they both do it at the same pace, there's no point. Think of two people with very different strides trying to walk together. One will have to speed up, one will have to slow down. But if they were walking with someone whose stride matched theirs to begin with, they go along easily without cramping their style. It's that way, and not about judging a fast man by his willingness to wait for a slow woman, or the other way around. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:05:28 AM | If someone starting planning our future together after 3 dates and without the two of us discussing whether we even have a future, I'd be getting a freakin restraining order. That's just too creepy for me.  | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:48:46 AM | Hmmm.....how nice it is to actually have someone digging on you like that, someone it seems that you really like. It's impossible for me to say much about this, as what goes on between two people on the intimate level is hard to get to the bottom of from the outside looking in.
It sounds like you've really engaged, inspired and enthused his heart. In that sense, you have tremendous power and control over HIM now. It seems that therein lies the rub for you. You have to exercise that power you have over his heart now, but you don't want to do it in such a way that he gets the wrong idea. You don't want to hurt him, have him close off his heart, but rather to open up more dimensions of it, to see parts of your heart which you know it will take longer to see. Tricky.
I'm sure you'll figure it out. I don't know. Maybe just tell him that you're a little scared of going too fast right now. That seems a pretty benign way of asserting yourself. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:16:04 PM | I how to post that it was 7 out of 8 and I was speaking only of those I met locally.. I had to correct my number because I had forgotten the one that did not do this.. I did not want to post something that was in fact inaccurate.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:23:28 PM | | 2 yrs ago I met a fellow who I didnt think was for me and he was someone who made me feel in love again, alive and enjoyed every moment with him till he decided to take one more try with his ex-wife and she moved back into his life. Then a year later he contacts me, advises how stupid he was and how great we are together, which I agree we are, so we start dating again and about 5 months later out of the blue its off. He's like a light switch on or off. He's the one who always appears to want the relationship because he gets back in contact with me, after he's hurt my heart and of course I did take him back over the last 2 yrs 3 times because I do care for him. Is he trying to slow the pace or just a nutcase? | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:29:07 PM | Sometimes men will say things in the beginning because they feel enthusiastic about the possibilities... I don't think you should take it to heart.
Of course he could be a nut-job.
Hard to tell... after all, you are still just getting to know him as well. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:05:49 PM | phoebe hit it on the head for me. THANK YOU PHOEBE. you are very "man saavy"! i just want to know "HOW". this situation is not a control issue for me. i am a very assertive lady. however, when someone is all openly joyous over you, being assertive is not the right skill set to address it. i need to develop this skill set, honor his feelings and yet respect my own pace.
yes, it is better to have an infatuated man than one who says "never". but still, i want him to know "me" --and then i'll become infatuated as well. by saying i feel trapped or cornered, i mean i don't know what to say or do, when he starts moving too quickly with the gushy stuff and the "plans". because i process a lot of data at once in my brain, the feeling of being cornered is not that i am physically fearful. i am trapped w/o the right words or actions to say this is going too fast for me. thus, how to say “whoa!” in a way he will get it. i have said it and he continues to do it. what i am hearing is, that's okay. it's also okay for me not to respond just yet. down the road, when i feel it is “real”, then i am sure it will work very well in his behalf-- let alone in bed! yes, i'm interested, but need one step at a time.
how to implement a meshing of the styles? how to show someone that by "one day at a time" as said by artz and certainly my own motto, the romantic fantasy becomes real? i am a person who truly trusts the universe. if it’s meant to be, it will show itself at the right time. but, i need to still do the “work”. like it or not, real relationships take at least, a skill set, and typically work. i always liked my work, so that’s not a bad thing. my skills are good in some areas, not so good in others. time to add to my emotional toolbox.
phoebe's suggestions were the most tangible for me, thus far. just keep it coming phoebe! sounds like many people can learn from you. also thank you janet. you too are also very wise.
gue$$ who, my instinct is the man you describe is a flake. that is an example of not being responsible for playing with another person's heart. but it's your heart. take care of it. i'd say, in this case, two strikes and he's out. i wouldn't wait for the third strike. it's your ballgame. all of this helps builds the knowledge and helps us grow. now, i have the opposite end of the spectrum. we have to connect the dots. that is why we have these experiences : to learn. in between the cracks of pof negativity, i have met some very wise people, who i will be calling "friends" until the day i die. i just hope i get to meet them all over time. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:15:14 PM | | Be sure to take things at your pace. It seems that men can say these things and maybe we just think and process it to much and make to much of it, rather than just taking things in stride ? | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:24:32 PM | | He may be unsophisticated, unjaded in the accepted mechanisms of courtship. He is just putting his feelings "out there" because he is feeling them...not THINKING about them. You are such a skilled communicator, just TELL him how you are feeling in the same clear way you've told all of us. Sounds to me like you LOVE the enthusiasm, find the open adoration very flattering but you are concerned that it is too soon for him to feel what he's feeling. As you know, he is entitled to FEEL whatever he feels, whether you think it's valid, real or timely. You are only responsible to be honest with him about your OWN feelings. I have every confidence that you can do that without putting him down. If his feelings last....you'll catch up or not! | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:01:22 PM |
He may be unsophisticated, unjaded in the accepted mechanisms of courtship. He is just putting his feelings "out there" because he is feeling them...not THINKING about them. You are such a skilled communicator, just TELL him how you are feeling in the same clear way you've told all of us.
I was just starting to write something similar.
A lot of men go through this only about 2-3 times in a life time. They're not players or serial daters. They're just sincere guys , learning from their mistakes , like the rest of us.
Some have been frustrated with this process , especially the internet deal.
When they find who they think is that special someone , they're exuberant about and ready to show that to you.
You can either "control" the attention, have that talk (again ) or just go with the flow, but in any case I wouldn't throw him back in the pond just yet. | |
|
Home
login 
