|
|
|
|
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:35:32 PM | serenity,
Please read everything before responding if you do,,,
A few things I noticed,,,
just a bit of a nerd and a very smart one at that, cute , naive, goofy, sincere, romantic--
I'm thinking he's almost inexperienced at this love thing. Be gentle and calm when you do talk to him,,, He's coming across as overwhelmed and is almost acting like he can't help himself. Some have said he may be a nut job but he may be just finding his S.O. that he's been searching for and can't believe he's been lucky enough to have found her,,,
for example after just three dates, but a lot of talking and getting to know one another via email and phone, the new person in your life, starts planning your future and declares they will only see you from here on in!
If this is applicable to your situation, how did the conversations and emails go? Was there a hint at how enthralled he was with you? As stated before, if he's not a "nut job", you may have been able to bring out the untainted little boy in him which might not be such a bad thing,,, Just be kind when talking to him (in your nature) and disclose that you're feeling " a bit rushed " and want to slow down, , , I'm thinking you're a little enthralled since a woman with your intelligence is acting like she doesn't know what to do here,,,
 | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:38:31 PM |
He may be unsophisticated, unjaded in the accepted mechanisms of courtship. He is just putting his feelings "out there" because he is feeling them...not THINKING about them. You are such a skilled communicator, just TELL him how you are feeling in the same clear way you've told all of us. Sounds to me like you LOVE the enthusiasm, find the open adoration very flattering but you are concerned that it is too soon for him to feel what he's feeling. As you know, he is entitled to FEEL whatever he feels, whether you think it's valid, real or timely. You are only responsible to be honest with him about your OWN feelings. I have every confidence that you can do that without putting him down. If his feelings last....you'll catch up or not!
A lot of men go through this only about 2-3 times in a life time. They're not players or serial daters. They're just sincere guys , learning from their mistakes , like the rest of us.
Some have been frustrated with this process , especially the internet deal.
When they find who they think is that special someone , they're exuberant about and ready to show that to you.
You can either "control" the attention, have that talk (again ) or just go with the flow, but in any case I wouldn't throw him back in the pond just yet.
What you said about guys only go through this only 2-3 times in a life time...see that is what every woman on here wants...we dont want to be the one you settle for but the one you feel it for...so how do we know when it is real for you or manufacturered? And once a man feels this way does it wear off or does he keep the feeling...is it real or infatuation? | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:54:18 PM | | The habit of sitting back and scrutinizing someone in order to lay on an assumption about them, to compare it with your preconceptions about how men are either this or that, already makes it impossible to deal directly with the man, which would be necessary to relate well. I'm pretty sure the reason why so many women are on this site to begin with is they are unfamiliar with the concept of sincerity. Maybe the men, too. Really, what I see here is a lot of women talking amongst themselves, ignoring men except to snipe and bicker, agreeing amongst themselves about men, about dating, perpetuating the tradition of regarding men and women as alien to each other. I'm thinking how odd it is that middle age could be reached without ever having had the experience of simply talking directly with a man. But no, instead the whole time that gender difference has been firmly in place like a wall, where none actually exists, and along with it through sheer force of will, the inability to see each other, speak to each other or feel each other. It's all schemes, strategies, suspicions, guesses, prejudices, and none of simply looking the other person in the eye, seeing them as a fellow human being, and speaking your mind. The previous marriages must have been like living behind enemy lines. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:14:51 PM | ^^^Yep, I agree - for the most part.
But this is what it's like from a woman's point of view. Many men here harbour a deep distrust of us, view us as a walking life support system for our vaginas and think nothing about judging us not on who we are or what we've achieved, but on the size of our waists, our breasts, our buttocks - there's even a thread going in the sex forums criticising large labias.
HOWEVER: there are also so many dear and wonderful PEOPLE here. That's why I stay.
If it all gets too much for you, farceur, come on down to the food thread. There, it doesn't matter if you're male or female - it's all about eating..lol.. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:27:37 PM | The habit of scrutinizing someone in order to lay on an assumption about them
Scrutinizing............luv that word!!!!!!..........what a wonderful word to describe what we do to sabotage "ourselves". I agree handsoflove.................
Sometimes, we're so damn busy weighing the other person's measure, we miss the true measure of them.
Serenity.....................there's approximately 10 inches between your head and your heart. If you like this man, think there's possibility, ...................c'mon girl.............look down.........it's only 10 inches and a giant leap of faith. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:54:17 PM | And just maybe, maybe....some of us are not used to being treated in such a manner? Some of us have yet to experience one who actually invests an avid interest. Not controlling by any means, and I think I can relate very much to the OP'S thoughts. If we let this person in, he/she changes our lifestyles. Can we adjust? Can we gamble on losing our hearts? Can we just make the attempt again?
We are all on here seeking "the one". When perhaps we think he/she has actually appeared, then we find ways of putting up road blocks. To protect our hearts, our independance. We are afraid. It is one helluva big leap. And 3 dates or not? If you are in regular contact with each other in between the dates, long phone chats where you talk about anything and everything and the time simply flies by, there is enough there to give you a direction as to where things are going. I had a lovely chat with a woman this evening *Phoebe* cough, wherein many things came to light. Miss Serentity darlin? He sounds like a wonderful caring man. He will understand if you tell him to move a little slower. Just that you need some adjustment time for you is all! Hope it all works out for you darlin! | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:59:10 PM | Hey Serenity, not that I want to scare the chit out of you, but you've got three willing bridesmaids here, just for starters..
I get to choose my dress. And colour. Too bad, Moonie.. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:04:50 PM | Awe Friendly my wee darlin? All due respect? Bite me! lmao
Everyone knows I look absolutely smashing in hot pink!
Besides, Miss Serentity may not be the first one! hahahaha
OT: As I said Miss S...just tell him to backpedal a bit so you can adjust your comfort level. Me thinks he is a good man and will appreciate your telling him. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:52:06 PM | I get to choose my dress too! Something in black, showing a little here and a little there..........with a little bling and my CFM shoes...................
Nevah too old to partay!!!
OT: Ms. S.......whatcha goin' to wear? Perhaps, and after considerable consideration on your part, you might consider opening your heart and wearing it on your sleeve? ...trust me .....it's not fatal. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:43:28 AM | new to michiana, you are correct up to the part about me being enthralled. i don't know what to do, because i've never come across someone like this who is sincere, but also does not appear to read social cues (that is my most recent up to date observation). there are a lot of pluses, but the downside is that there are a lot of "quirks". so, all i can do is brush up on my half of this experience. i cannot do his part for him. not sure if quirk is the right word, but something like it, if not.
of course, i like the little boy in my man. but, i also like the man part as well. i have a lot of little girl in me, but also know how to be a woman. yes, it's nice for a guy to plan and to really like you. but it is really me or does he rent a lot of space in his head to his fantasy life? the more i get to know him, the more i wonder.
he thinks out loud a lot, but he does not treat me as i'm special. he talks a lot, but not sure he walks his talk. more important, he does not seem to hear me, when i say what "I" need or want. he is not at all attentive in that way. i, on the other hand, am very attentive.
so, this is what i aim to find out. that is why i take my time and ask a lot of questions. not always, but when i have questions and something feels "different". i do have many questions with this man. but, that is not to say he's a nut. it is to say, that between a man and a woman is "interaction". yet, i'm not sure he "hears" me. i, on the other hand, am what is called an "active listener". i also love passionately and do not live in my head. i use my head, but i live with my feet planted on the ground and i do walk that talk of mine. i mean what i say and i do it. i notice he talks quite a bit, but not sure he follows up.
so, i am thinking that perhaps my original concern regarding slowing the pace, is just the icing on the cake here. slowly, i intend to find out.
as to being able to connect to my heart. that has never been an issue for me. unfortunately my heart has not found the right person for me. quite frankly that hurts. however, the hurt hasn't stopped me. i just rest up a bit, and continue my journey. but, on the other hand, just because i can talk to someone and there are many good things about him, there also has to be some sort of "intimate dance" between you where you interact, read each others cues, try to keep pace with the other and move forward together. in this instance, although i was first relieved to hear some of the positive comments here, there is still "something" not right.
i think this man might indeed be in love with love, and is attracted to me. however, he does not HEAR me. he is too busy discussing his feelings, not addressing mine. i will not be able to provide the details on this, w/o getting too gossipy. but, i am still going to give it some time.
so, not sure you all can plan for my wedding yet. if/when it happens (no matter whom), i want you to forget the special dresses and just all come stark naked. hmmm. there's another thread on that topic someplace here, no?
well, even if the wedding doesn't happen, i'd be happy to host a party. just bring sleeping bags and submit a full criminal search, along with a copy of all your driving licenses. furthermore, if you snore, bring that thingee you wear on your nose!!!
i have learned a lot from your responses. when i am sure i have met the right man, i do hope he shares his "plans". by profession, before my lymes, i was a strategic planner btw. | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:59:56 AM | There is an old but excellent movie about this kind of person in which Sting plays the lead male role. I can't remember the name of the movie any more, as it dates from the 1980s some time. The Sting character is a so called "marginal personality", easily overcome by his passions, yet somehow disconnected from those around him. As I recall, it is the pure enjoyment of his own passions that drives the personality. The surrounding objects and people are the instigators of his own pleasure, but in the end, incidental to his own trip.
Its an interesting study. Perhaps you are experiencing this in real life. I suppose you could look into history, or perhaps look at what happens beside your relationship to see if the same kind of things are happening there as are happening to you.
Perhaps some Sting fans with working memories can throw up the name of the movie and you can take a look... | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:24:40 AM | I think you answered it, OP, in your 2nd paragraph, where you mention s/he doesn't know the real you yet. That's of major significance.
Take him gently by the hand. Lead him to the curb.
No need to guilt yourself about inflicting pain on him -- he'll begin immediately the search for your replacement.
People who attach easily, also detach easily, because it's much more to do with their attachment to being attached than it is to do with you personally (in my personal experience). | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:29:06 AM |
People who attach easily, also detach easily, because it's much more to do with their attachment to being attached than it is to do with you personally (in my personal experience).
I found that very true as well.. Fast in just as fast on the way out!!
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:03:33 PM | Thank God someone else has experienced this....LOL! I thought it was just ME!
Unfortunately, everytime I've tried to take things slow and easy...I get called a player! LOL!
And you're so right....it's at right about the 3rd date...LOL! IS it a coincidence? It just seems that right about the time you're deciding whether or not you'd sleep with them...they start talking about marriage...or moving in....and WHAPPP....you are SOOOO over those thoughts! LOL! Yeah, to me at least....that's where it all STOPS. My reasoning....which I know....is not necessarily anyone elses, but until I know whether we'd be compatible in THAT area....I can't even consider a future together.....and then...I think....if we can't or don't get it together there....then it would be REALLY hard to give them the brush!
LOL! maybe I need some intense therapy for my commitment phobia issues! | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:30:10 PM | There isn't the "one" ~ It what you make it
The longer you et to know someone online the stronger the friendship\otherwise it is offline
~sc~ | |
|
| |
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:34:04 PM | | Grandma...I dont worry about that 3rd date stuff...I skip to the 4th date to start with to make sure they are worth dating the next 3 times :P | |
|
| |
| |
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:36:23 PM | new to michiana, you are correct up to the part about me being enthralled. i don't know what to do, because i've never come across someone like this who is sincere, but also does not appear to read social cues (that is my most recent up to date observation). there are a lot of pluses, but the downside is that there are a lot of "quirks". so, all i can do is brush up on my half of this experience. i cannot do his part for him.
Your observations without accusations make you one of the most likely to succeed at finding your Final S.O. serenity,,, The ability to step outside of the situation and see things for what they are without being angry or adversarial is one of the key steps in becoming happy with or without someone,,, I have no doubt that you're open to having someone in your life without all of the fuss of prerequisites. You'll either find them to be what you need or not settle. So, since you're truly ready, what can we do to get you more exposure so the right one will meet you and walk hand in hand with you into compatible happiness?
Billboard ad?
Rented space on the side of a dirrigible?
How about a "Come meet serenity" party?
Give me some time and I'll get my head working to find a solution,,, just need to get you more chances to find success,,,
 | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:52:22 PM | OP: I see this difference between the two of you as that of fundamental incompatibility. Your love train might be picking up steam, but it is moving along the railroad tracks that are diverging. The result will not be pretty, unfortunately. You may have to consider getting off the train to avoid getting into an accident. Such thought is painful of course, because at so many other levels the train ride has been fast, exciting, exhilarting, and the scenery has been wonderful (meaning that so many things you two can share are sooooo much fun). I have read suggestions from others that you relax, and you can just enjoy the ride. Could you really enjoy the ride if your foresight tells you that the accident is just waiting around the corner? Reading your last response to others' posts, I am already feeling that you see the light. Such realization is not always liberating though.
I remember in my college days I used to joke with a close male friend that if we needed five things in our lives to be just perfect to make us totally happy, there is always one thing that is somewhat defective which takes all our energy & attention, and dismantles our plans to be perfectly happy and happily perfect! Could it be that you are suffering from one of these situations? May the power be with you! | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:31:32 PM | newtomichiana, seein’ as how you’ve offered, maybe you could just export some new yorkers to CA for me, so i can find my man in more familiar territory! we talk fast and can pretty much get to the bottom line in just two dates. well, if you wanna be my matchmaker, i'm willing to pay you a commision.
grandmabooboo, you are a trip! maybe i got my mojo out at a younger age. my last SO and i took more like three months to hit the sack. as you can see, i take time to know people. but so far, nobody is complaining. i really am a good kisser, so i guess it’s sufficient in the beginning. plus, i’m a good friend. sadly, i did want the living together part and my ex SO didn't. but, we lasted three years and still are good friends (although that took some work and healing time on both our parts!)
i’m not sure about marriage, unless it signifies a deep spiritual union, but i do (currently) want the whole package. here, where i live, you can easily find a sexually compatible person. i guess i just want more. however, if you visit, i'll fix you up with my ex SO. he also continues to have commitment phobias. but, he's a likeable guy and always still there for me. plus he needs a woman who can kick a—ss better than i can.
i see nobody has taken me up on my invitation to party, as an alternative to my “wedding”. since i've asked for criminal reports and driving licenses, that says something about the forum dwellers here. my guess is that most of you guys are posting with your striped suits on! well, there's another market opportunity—maybe i should also explore that.
kmxplore51, the ride has "not" been exhilarating. however, the conversation separated out from the potential of an intimate connection has been good. there is no question about the man's IQ. it's the EQ that is somewhat amiss for me. as to focusing upon one "defective" thing, no that is not my situation. you can whine about an imperfect body part or something missing from your list, and that will pretty much keep you single. although i maintain that this is just a coverup for one's own character defects. however, there are "basics" that must come together. eg you need to be able to communicate on various levels, in various ways, with a Significant Other. not just talk "at" each other. it's like seeing a nice outfit on the rack, but that doesn't mean it will fit you personally. i am not suffering, i am LOOKING FOR MY MAN! i don't make snap judgements. they say it takes a good three dates to get to know someone or to get a sense of whether there is possibility. i never heard that meant to be sexual in three dates. but, whatever rocks your boat! i take my time and when the man is right, you will hear us ROAR!  | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:11:04 AM |
Unfortunately, everytime I've tried to take things slow and easy...I get called a player! LOL!
Or you get called a time waister.. All part of their way to try and intimidate you into doing what they want.. I just smile and wave bye bye...
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:21:09 AM |
i never heard that meant to be sexual in three dates
Very very common here where I live.. Some will even not even be that patient.. lol
There was a man I dated but once and did he ever get hot under the collar sorta speak.. We never even held hands on our date or kissed.. It really is laughable at times and sad at other times. However if you don't maintain your good sense of humor you might just throw in the towel!!!!
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:35:26 AM | OP thinking here that 'person' is having a fantasy relationship, forgetting that they are in the real world now, it is only polite to ask what you want for a present, (nothing like getting stuff you dont like and having to say thank you, before throwing it in the charity box).
Some guys are booking holidays before you have been on a first real date 
I do seriously think some people get so lonely, they prepare what they will do when they are dating - this time to get it right - but they forget the other person might have a stand back and let it happen approach and this effects the way the relationship pans out.
It is the same with the sex thing - women know on a daily basis men do not stump up, so when they come on all sex and no other conversation, that man is not living in the real world to start with.
Over all - planning in advance is a bad thing - unless it is big spending involved and he/she is buying you a five carot diamond ring and of course you want it to fit, or a brand new car knowing full well it is hard enough for men to buy a cup of coffee in the real world
___________________________________________
Not bitter, not ranting, just responding to the post as I see it!! | |
|
|
| Page 3 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
