| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:15:50 AM | grandmabooboo, you are a trip! maybe i got my mojo out at a younger age. my last SO and i took more like three months to hit the sack. as you can see, i take time to know people. but so far, nobody is complaining. i really am a good kisser, so i guess it’s sufficient in the beginning. plus, i’m a good friend. sadly, i did want the living together part and my ex SO didn't. but, we lasted three years and still are good friends (although that took some work and healing time on both our parts!)
i’m not sure about marriage, unless it signifies a deep spiritual union, but i do (currently) want the whole package. here, where i live, you can easily find a sexually compatible person. i guess i just want more. however, if you visit, i'll fix you up with my ex SO. he also continues to have commitment phobias. but, he's a likeable guy and always still there for me. plus he needs a woman who can kick a—ss better than i can. LOL!!! Hon, I don't even have a clue what "mojo" IS!!!! LOL! Maybe that's my problem? LOL! My children however, blame in on the fact that I never had a Barbie Doll as a kid! LOL! (the weren't invented yet!)
Actually, I hear a lot about these "dating rules" but I think all the books went out of print while I was still married! The 3rd date thing and sex??? LOL! I don't about you...but at MY age.....it sounds good to me!!! LOL! Who knows if I'll live long enough to make it to the 4th!!!! LOL! I STILL like SAPPHIRE'S Theory on that!!! BUT...wasn't there a publication that said that a woman KNOWS within 5 minutes of meeting a man WHETHER she will ever sleep with him? Well....I'm either slow....or suffering from Alzheimers....but YEAH...by a 3rd date... I KNOW. My question is always.....how long do you "play the game" AFTER you KNOW??? I really don't mean that to sound "snippy", but...honestly I really feel as Sapphire does...that, if the physical (sexual) compatibility isn't there....then you've just "wasted" 3 or 4 months or your time....and his.
I gotta also tell you, that I was, for 25 yrs, MARRIED to someone...who I KNEW....we were NOT sexually in tune....but....I married him anyway! LOL! We were good friends, we ARE still good friends today...but the sex part just NEVER happened.
Conversely, after we divorced, I was involved with a man for almost 8 years...with whom the sex are absolutely MIND BLOWING....but he was such an ***hole!!!! LOL!
LOL!!! I seem to be such an EXTREMEST! (honestly) So, I do wonder....where the hell do you find that "balance"? I totally understand, and agree that I want MORE than fantastic sex....LOL! I just don't want to have to compromise the fantastic sex....even for that "deep spiritual union"! LOL! Call me shallow (many have) ...but I'm pretty sure that *I* can't have that kind of "union" without BOTH.....the sexual and emotional connection...in equal proportions.
Truthfully, I'm all for "making it real" as you called it...but I'm just not sure that "slowing it down" is always the right path for every personality to take to get there. Am I really missing the boat here? | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:40:02 AM | ^^^^amen sister....imho I am a very sexual person so if someone isnt on the same wave link as me then I dont want to get emotionally attached to someone who is going to leave me thinking BOB is still my best friend after all these years!
I know when I find someone I like, I really like them and I have plans to keep them worn out! | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:39:59 AM | It is not the acceptance of sex when it shouldn't be demanded nor the denial of it when it is justified, that will be the biggest deal breaker.
It is the missing emotional involvement within the couple that will pose a problem. This is as true at the beginning of a relationship as it is years later into the couple's life.
When there is an emotional attraction, people will be patient. To know if there is a growing emotional attraction, we have to be prepared to ask for a periodic "report card" on how the other person is feeling about us.
Asking for that report card requires more guts than asking for sex. Imagine a school where no student ever gets a report card. Where would they be after they graduated? Some would discover that they had acquired skills for the marketplace, others not.
Just because you ask for a report card, does not mean that you will always get an honest scoring.
Some schools that receive money from students don't want to lose customers by discouraging them.
Likewise, some people won't throw away a partially working relationship because there are some fringe benefits, be they of a sexual, financial, or emotional nature.
An honest person will level with you when you ask them about how they feel about you, even if it means that they may be losing contact with someone they like, but will not likely love.
At our age, our biggest non-renewable resource is our time and I have been fortunate to have met a number of people in the recent past who care enough about the value of my time as much as they care about the value of their own. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:03:28 AM |
When there is an emotional attraction, people will be patient. To know if there is a growing emotional attraction, we have to be prepared to ask for a periodic "report card" on how the other person is feeling about us.
This is interesting.. I may go on what feelings we might have shared together that usually tell me.. I might feel like I am cornering them into making a decision before that is person is really ready to.. Things have a way on unveiling themselves in time. Although I am never one that is a hurry..I am much more of a go with flow type of person.
As I sit here and think no one has ever really done that in my past..
I do not feel at my age that my biggest non-renewable resource is my time.. Although I realize that it is I do not focus on it. Taking my time has always been my biggest resource.
Thanks for presenting a side that I was totally unaware of..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:11:27 AM | My father told me early in life that it is better that 7 guilty people go free than one innocent person be incarcerated.
In dating, sometimes to protect ourselves, it is better that we discard 8 suspected bad apples even if one amongst them is OK.
Eventually we will identify another good apple in a situation that is less precarious | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:32:55 AM |
In dating, sometimes to protect ourselves, it is better that we discard 8 suspected bad apples even if one amongst them is OK.
No doubt this happens but there may in fact be a underlying reason for that.. Like for instance the pressure the OP was feeling from this gentleman that she was seeing.. Too much too soon type of thing..Or it could be something totally different.
Eventually we will identify another good apple in a situation that is less precarious
That is the hope
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:59:07 AM | OP wrote in her original post:
(he) starts planning your future and declares they will only see you from here on in! no asking, mind you. almost guilting you into it, rather than let you truly "feel" it over a reasonable period of time. you feel cornered and pushed.
Yes, he was testing her to see if she really liked him or if she was simply stalling for time.
In order for people not to get strung along, they have to look for occasional roadsigns that confirm they are headed in the right direction.
With both potential partners firmly grabbing the steering wheel before they have agreed that they want to travel together, there is bound to be some uncomfortable shoving taking place in the front seat.
These trips seem to go better when there is more unanimity over where they genuinely want to go, rather than who is in the driver's seat. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:20:43 AM | Absolutely right....as soon as you meet someone and in their mind things have gone well....they call multiple times a day...send multiple text messages.....multiple e-mails...over the top....what is the sense of urgency????
I would rather someone take it slow and understand you can't go from nothing to everything overnight. That is not reality. Taking the time to get to know someone without assumptions is necessary. Especially when you haven't asked the person if they are as comfortable as you with the pace. Often you don't want to hurt the other persons feelings but resentment grows.
I recently dated someone from here who became quite upset and felt he deserved more when I was unwilling to accept a proposal after only dating 4 months. He ultimately became angry and abusive in his words because he felt I was being selfish...maybe I was the only one in touch with reality...scares the hell of of me that there are people who think this way.I am assuming it was grounded in fear that if I don't grab this person now and make them mine....I will not find anyone.
I am perfectly happy with my life and I don't need someone in my life but have a desire to have someone in my life. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:45:18 AM |
Yes, he was testing her to see if she really liked him or if she was simply stalling for time.
In order for people not to get strung along, they have to look for occasional roadsigns that confirm they are headed in the right direction.
Why put them to the test? Isn't the fact that she wanted to spend time with him enough of a indicator???
Why these games of testing.. Why the apply such pressure when it will only drive that person further away from you?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:52:07 AM | When someone feels the need to "test" someone else they show that they are the one with the issues...they have trust problems and even if you past the first test then they will think ...omg what if it was by chance they passed..and then they decide to test you again and again until you fail whatever lame ass test that they have cooked up for you to fail..only to prove to themselves that they were right all along that no one else is trustworthy. Self fulfilling at its best!
It is like you talk to a guy on here and then you get this random message from a younger man....you can almost tell it is the same man just trying to see what you will say to the younger guy and then within a few days the new younger guy profile is deleted...and they all think they are so orginial about these tests they cook up. | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:00:58 AM |
I would rather someone take it slow and understand you can't go from nothing to everything overnight. That is not reality. Taking the time to get to know someone without assumptions is necessary. Especially when you haven't asked the person if they are as comfortable as you with the pace. Often you don't want to hurt the other persons feelings but resentment grows.
No it is not reality but you have to understand what they consider successful and what you might.. For instance for them success can mean a relationship that lasted 3 months while you might well consider that a failure.. Since they consider that a success they are bound to repeat it.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:03:55 AM |
When someone feels the need to "test" someone else they show that they are the one with the issues...they have trust problems and even if you past the first test then they will think ...omg what if it was by chance they passed..and then they decide to test you again and again until you fail whatever lame ass test that they have cooked up for you to fail..only to prove to themselves that they were right all along that no one else is trustworthy. Self fulfilling at its best!
I think your right absolutely right!!!
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:12:46 AM | Just had to mention.. I had one gentleman ask to see this inside of my home, because I had shared some photos of it with him online..During dinner he happened to mention that was test to see what my level of trust was with him.
Red, and yellow flags came flying during the course of dinner for me because of what he had just told me.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:01:13 AM | almost elvis, in my recent relationship of just a few months with a widower (who i realized, was really still in mourning), for a while there we had a thing going which he called "checking in". it was one of the many things which enamoured me to him. it was when he stopped checking in and emotionally started checking out, that i decided to put a whoa on it. he wanted to be ready, but he just wasn't. nonetheless, i took the risk and am not sorry for it. we still are friends.
i've tried a similar checking in with my latest possibility. either it was ignored, forgotten, et al. he heard me, but he did not listen. he was wanting it all and right away. at one point there was a brief temper tantrum. there it was explained that he was tired of looking and meeting women who dated around for months and just wanted to "go out" for coffee, et al with many men. i explained that i was not one of these women, but it nonetheless took me some time to "commit". i am not a person of empty words.
i understand now that he projected his "decision" onto me, that we were indeed a "go". he's done this before and still has not learned from it. it is this lack of reading me, that i found disconcerting. intellectually we did fine, until the ideas were to be "applied". there was also a lack of attentiveness with the "little things". that reinforced the "all about me" kind of feeling that i was getting. he'd promise/suggest things but with no followup, unless i almost demanded it. i am an attentive person and i like the same in return.
i am a person who does not necessarily feel attraction immediately. i might feel that a person is good looking or charming, but that is not a sexual go for me right away. my sexuality travels up and down all the chakras or energy centers of my spine. for those who aren't into meditation or the chakras, the person needs some grounding and not be a control freak. he needs to have some heart. he needs to be able to communicate. i need to feel his soul. i have experienced twice now, in my most recent past, that someone i felt was not "physically" attractive at first and another who i just didn't consider at first--BOTH to present a very strong "energetic" attraction when i got to know each person--at different points in my life, mind you. once that happened with each of them, then it became a "go".
in both instances, there was a monogamy agreement. now, i know now (not then) that many people enter this agreement with a practical bent, but may not ever love the person they are sleeping with or maybe they just aren't ready. although i can accept that love, in that sense, is equivalent to commitment for some-- an ongoing relationship with no love or no ability to ever commit is, for me, one that is not able to grow and eventually will die. for me, that sense of energy is love and i expect it to grow with time and experience. but, i know that is not the case for others. others tend to look at all the practical interventions such as where will we live, what if it won't work, etc. i am not one of those people. when i feel the energy, i am willing to find a way around those interventions. however, it is a two way street.
i also feel that at this point in my life, like elvis's post, that time is important. i do not want to use up my remaining time in serial monogamouos relationships. thus, although i will invest it in finding out about a person, i will not waste it. however, i really DO BELIEVE i will meet the right person. if i didn't, maybe i would think differently.
some say it's about a person's love language. however, i say even if one does not dwell on the word "love", i still liken their assuming that their love language is working, for me as well, to the following analogy. you have a plant that needs water and instead you sing to it. the plant then dies. now, having said that, i also understand that love takes a while to figure out. however, there must be the ablility to communicate and weave back and forth between two individual psyches in order to have a "relationship". i am not a cactus, nor am i a tropical plant. i am just one of those in the middle plants, that needs some regular watering. i also choose my gardener.
so for me, i take my time-- if you are talking "three" dates. i usually can get a sense of a person by then. my sexuality will vary, depending upon the quality of what has happened thus far. i am very touchey feeley and affectionate, , but for me, sexuality is indeed a tantra experience and not a quickie! that applies whether i have an "immediate" sense that someone is physically attractive or i may not find that to be the case immediately. but, over time, then the other aspects of them sooooooooooo wham me over, that they "become" physically attractive to me. it doesn't always happen that way, but in my three year relationship, the attraction was very strong. to this date, i can feel every bump of that man's body on my hands. having studied massage therapy on a sabbatical, i guess i have that knack. again, when i first saw him, i was "not" attracted.
so, that is why i now take the time to get to know someone a little bit more. plus, i already know that an immediately attractive person on just the physical plane, can fizzle real quick. my attraction will build depending upon how a person walks his talk. the talk is about the emails, calls, or initial meetings if not from online. the walk is waaaaaaaaaaay more a telling sign for me. is he centered, is he kind and loving, does he read me, does he trust me to talk about stuff, et al.
well, that about sums it up. as they say in new york city: oy vey.  | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:21:51 PM |
well, that about sums it up. as they say in new york city: oy vey.
Trust me they do not only say this in New York. I hear it on a daily basis here..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:43:15 AM |
newtomichiana, seein’ as how you’ve offered, maybe you could just export some new yorkers to CA for me, so i can find my man in more familiar territory! we talk fast and can pretty much get to the bottom line in just two dates. well, if you wanna be my matchmaker, i'm willing to pay you a commision.
-proofreads ad to put in N Y Times-
There will be screening for roles in the movie "Serenity comes with" held in California next weekend. Men in all age categories and walks of life are advised to take this once in a lifetime chance. Transportation will be grueling as it will entail several different modes of transportation (bus, car, hitchhiking, ultralite and walking) to weed out the weak and impatient. The trip will take 7 days total but is free. No particular leading role exists, only the role of the man who will eventually take Serenity by the hand in meaningful and respectful coexistance.
If interested, hop on the "El" and start heading west towards Bloomsburg, PA to find your next set of directions at the Greyhound bus station. Good luck to all.
"I don't know,,, too complicated?
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:46:57 AM |
happen to anyone? anyone successful in taming the pace so that it eventually did work out for the two of you?
Yes..it's happening right now with the guy of my dreams my friend but...but...as you well know I fell hard for my guy at the outset without knowing who he really was. It is now going toward a year and we're still trying to get to know the other one after the lust has waned...wait a minute!! No it hasn't. The lust I feel for him is still going strong and I simply melt everytime I look at him...meh!!
Hon, if you're uncomfortable with your guy talking about plans for the future without knowing and appreciating what a unique, creative individual person you are (which only can come with time) then just be honest with him and tell him to take it down a notch.
When I met the love of my life I was immersed in awe and put him on a pedestal..then I took a step back and got to know the real him and he me. He didn't realize I was a dang swamp witch instead of the mermaid he thought I was until he got to know me...hee hee.
Hon, three dates isn't enough time for him to make an assessment of you or your future together and you know that babe. Take it slow....torment him for at least 8 months as I did my guy then see how he feels about you...
Sans | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:56:21 AM |
He didn't realize I was a dang swamp witch instead of the mermaid he thought I was until he got to know me...hee hee.
Certainly a cause for concern.. I think my main concern would be he has yet to experience my "stink eyes". I have been told they are deadly.
Hon, three dates isn't enough time for him to make an assessment of you or your future together and you know that babe. Take it slow....torment him for at least 8 months as I did my guy then see how he feels about you...
Gads 8 months seems a tad excessive don't you think? Your liable to find him at the mortuary when all is said and done.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:23:54 AM |
Gads 8 months seems a tad excessive don't you think? Your liable to find him at the mortuary when all is said and done.
And yep...he's one of the walking dead after spending 8 horrendous months with the likes of me but he's still trudging along..go figure.
What's your point cats?
Sans | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:40:41 AM | Still waiting,cats. I don't post much but when I do I make it count.
I'll ask one more time. What's your point cat's?
Sans | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:01:35 AM |
I'll ask one more time. What's your point cat's?
Just a little light hearted humor?
Nothing more than that..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:48:01 PM | ^^^Gotcha. I seem to be lacking in the humor department nowadays... my kitten fell off my lania for the 3rd time and I'm on the third floor (15 feet up) .....meh!!!
She's fine but I'm a wreck! * sigh* Sorry if I had a tone with you.
Sans | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:40:14 PM | Achieving authentic intimacy takes time, concentrated effort, self control AND communication. Three dates seems a bit early for that kind of declaration.
Talk to this guy and see if you can get him to relax a little. He must be afraid of something. Loosing you, perhaps? | |
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| how to slow the pace to make it real
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:04:54 AM |
sans what is a lania?
I think she had a typo and it should have read lanai which is an indoor balcony. I have a loggia which is similar.
No problems sans no offense was taken by me. Take good care of that kitty of yours.
thecatsmeoww | |
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