Savona
|
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 26 | |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:49:21 AM | Hi OP, I am sorry you seemed to have chosen another man who needs a life long course in anger management.
Anyway him being on line seems to be the LEAST of your troubles with this man.
Savona | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:50:23 AM | Ok let's break this down using what you have told us.
found him recently on other dating websites having recently posted his profile and when I confronted him about it, he stated that he did it after we had a fight and just behaved like a boy
Immature, childish behavior w/ an excuse you seem to have accepted. He wasn't doing it to get back at you, he was shopping for a back up in case you wised up and kicked him to the curb.
(1) He talks about his deceased spouse by name all the time.
Two possibilities here, neither is a good one. One option is that he is not over his spouse and is telling you that. The other is he is subtly hinting you aren't as good as or need to work to be more like the dead spouse. Either way it's manipulative.
(2) He seems to resent the closeness between myself, my daughters and my grandchildren stating,
He DOES resent your family's closeness, they are stealing your attention away from him. They are compromising his ability to influence/manipulate you and stopping you from making him the center of your world.
(3) He has a temper.
Everyone has a temper, it is how they deal w/ it that seperates children from adults. Again it is a manipulative ploy to get you to act the way he wants you too. If he was an adult worth a relationship w/, he wouldn't have blown a minor event out of proportion. The mail thing is equivolant to a child's temper tantrum.
(4) He loves animals more than people.
No he loves the control/obedience of some animals. I am betting on dogs since they can be trained more easily. It is a control factor, he can predict/control how an animal will behave, much harder to do w/ people.
(5) He wants to move in with me and share expenses. I have a job and he has benefits and can't really take a job in his field to protect his benefits.
No, he wants you to pay his bills so you have no money free to leave him. It is not about sharing expenses-he has afforded to live on his own so far, right? Do his "benefits" really pay more than a regular paycheck would? I doubt it, it sounds like an excuse to not have to do more and to have more time to work on controlling you. And you are making excuses for him to not be working as well.
He is also rude to people, outspoken, loud and insulting to people in public. (from New York).
That is not a regional trait, that is a trait of a jerk. No sugar coating it. You can find people like that all over the country, but again you are making excuses for his bad behavior and hoping someone will tell you it's ok to stay, since he is funny afterall.
You also paid the deposits on his apartment? Is he not an adult? Can he not manage his money to pay them himself? Do you really want to be his sugar momma? Boy he already has a good deep hook into you. Hope you figure it out soon, this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. It also sounds like you are repeating old patterns hoping for a different result. You do know what they call that right? | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:54:38 AM | | I think you don't love him and he doesn't love you. I wouldn't say they are red flags, I would say those are areas you don't get along or agree. Move on and don't look back. | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:56:10 AM | Okay, I'll tell you what you're wanting to hear....stay with this guy, you've found your 'soulmate' the love of your life. His little temper tantrums are just soooooo cute!
Do I mean it?
Hell no! Do us all a favor and change your username to.......Doormat! | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:22:37 AM | Did you watch Sesame Street when you were a kid? Do you remember the song, "One of these things is not like the others"?
Here's a list of a few of the words you used to describe what you don't like:
fight, boy, resent, temper, annoyed, angry, ripped, rage, rude, insulting
Here's a list of a few of the words you used to describe what you like:
funny, fun, cute, intelligent, witty
I feel sad that you don't feel you deserve list two without list one. What's that all about? I'd get some counseling. | |
|
| |
| |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:05:09 AM | lets see
(1) he has not let go of the past... does he compare you to his late spouse?
(2) he is trying to drive a wedge between you and the ones close to you
(3) he is commanding and controlling... and has bouts of uncontrolled rage
now this one is the one that you should pay close attention to... "He is also rude to people, outspoken, loud and insulting to people in public."....they say to see someones true charter observe how they treat waitstaff.... it tends to bring out their true character....
In the past I've been co-dependent with an alcoholic, abusers (physically and mentally), and seem to have a penchant for finding men with a terrible, explosive temper. I really do care for him and just want to see through other eyes than my own as my "eyesight" is often dim when it comes to relationships.
to me it looks that you have found that what you are used to.... if it has not worked in the past why do you think it will work this time...
So, what do you think? Let me have it with both barrels.
sounds to me that you may benefit from some therapy.... even your closing statement has the aftertaste of someone looking for abuse....
i have read your thoughts on many posts.... so in my opinion you deserve much better than you allow yourself to have!
i hope you find a partner that is truly deserving of you....
 | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:09:55 AM | Lady he has already thrown a closet of shoes at you. You may have a good time with him some of the time, the sex is probably great and if you have been alone for a while, having someone around sure is nice but this man is not treating you well at all.
He has proven himself to be very petty, jealous, immature, cheap and an asshat, do you really need to know more about him?
And the bullshit about your kids and grandkids, it is not like they are coming over every day for meals and even if they were, if he isn't paying for it what the fuk business is it of his?
Kick him to the curb and save your time and affection for someone who will actually cherish you. Your gut is telling you to run and you are trying to reason yourself out of it, listen to your gut. I suspect if you look at your past relationships one of your problems has been ignoring what your body and/or mind is telling you about the bad stuff.
Additionally hun, as others have noted, isolating you from family, he will most surely begin treating you like he treats wait staff ALL the time, do you really not know that this guy is abusive and will just continue to decline with the length of your association. | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:41:50 PM | What everyone else has tried to tell you. I still can't past the $5.00 debit card incident and his poor attitude about paying cash for whatever you were buying. I mean...$5.00????
Like everyone else, I wonder juts what is so wonderful about this loser. And I do mean loser!
There is no way you can tell us enough good things about him to make up for or cover up all the BAD things you already told us but seem to accept.
Moving in with this guy will be pure hell and he will trap you, control you and get only worse as time goes on.
Get strong, get smart and get away from him NOW.
We know it's not what you wanted to hear. But go back and read all the red flags you told us about. Then read it again, and again, and again.
I did not read all the responses, but did anyone even suggest you give him a chance? My bet is NO!
I sure don't want to read your next post in the broken heart thread, my my guess is I will and very soon.
I do wish you well dear lady.
| |
|
| |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:00:11 PM | DTMFA
Dump the motherf*cker already!
Re-read your post, pretend your daughter or grandkid posted it. Would you want her to stay in such a crooked and lopsided and potentially scary relationship? He's a loser and is angry - run! Being alone is better than that! | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:00:19 PM | I'm sorry, kiddo. I have to concur with everyone else. This guy is a really really BAD idea. If you want to just date him or whatever, fine...but don't live with him and don't get intertwined as far as finances, etc. You need to take care of YOU. And if that means you remain single until you find a guy who isn't more trouble than he's worth, that ain't ALL bad,believe me.
Cindy O | |
|
| |
| |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:26:43 PM |
seems very special and who seems to fit the bill for long term. Is this how you'd describe your dream man?
1. Obsessive
2. Resentful
3. Angry with an unpredictable temper
4. Disconnected from people
5. Disrespectful-- you're just a shack-up for financial ease
6. Rude
7. Insulting
You found yourself another co-dependent abuser.
I think you need therapy much more than you need yet another loser man in your life to continue your dysfunctional patterns. | |
|
| |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:59:52 PM | Just... WOW
Two things though...
He loves animals more than people
Dont bet on it.
The thing about animals is that you can abuse them, neglect them etc and they're stupid enough to keep loving you unconditionally.
He talks about his deceased spouse by name all the time
ok ok my imagination running here  but after what you've said OP... what exactly happened to his wife? she kill herself? or disappear? maybe some tragic accident?
Unless it was natural causes... I wouldnt be satisfied with the answer. Seriously
Actually on second thoughts... might not be a good idea sticking your nose in there 
I think you better thank your lucky stars you've got a history of experience with this... it might be the only thing that saves your ass.
When you break things of with this guy... be perfectly CLEAR about it and have everything sorted out before you do it so that you can implement what needs to be done.
Do NOT just disappear on this guy... from what you've said there... its almost a guarantee he will hunt you down.
And dont be surprised if he doesnt let you go... till he's found his next victim.
Be real careful k?
You should know yourself... guys like this dont wanna leave... till they're "finished" with you.
Only thing Im surprised about is he's showing himself... before he's moved in with you.
| |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:15:28 PM | | Zephyr you are an amazing person. Very open and honest. You deserve better than this and anybody who has read what you have had to say, on many topics, already knows this. Take a deep breath and walk away from this guy. If the person your with isn't the right one, then the right one won't be able to find you... and if they did you couldn't be with them. Is this guy worth that? That is up to you... Count me in the camp that you deserve better than this... Good luck with your decision! | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:08:06 PM | Thanks, all of you, I read each post with an open mind, and all of you are 100% correct.
It seems that at first they think they have found the most wonderful "princess" in the whole world. They shower you with compliments, they do "things" for you but then "remind" you of the things they did for you.... Like, "Oh, my back is killing me (because I moved that dresser or took your dog for a walk)....oh, but don't feel sorry for me....I only did it because I love you.
Meanwhile a, as he puts it, "Drop dead gorgeous" female walks by and he about loses it. He notices everything about them while you are sitting right across the table from them.
They resent your phone conversations with your children and grandchildren and they carry a gun and threaten to shoot anyone who might be seen as a threat to you or to them.
But its all smoke and mirrors, because when someone really DOES threaten you and hurt you, they turn the other way and ignore it. They are cowards of the worst possible kind.
Each and every thing they "do for you" is meant to be noted, and cached as if they are storing favors away and intend to cash in on them later.
Their emotions are skewed and their minds are on another plane.
They are predators who seek out tender hearted women like me and others, women who are care givers, nurturers, co-dependent. They can spot them a mile away.
Yep, thanks to all of you.
I'm breaking away and will soon be out there again fishing.
There are so many things I want to see and do. So many new adventures I want to experience.
I'm free and in my own place for the first time in my entire life. I don't have children to raise and its just me with a job, a bank account and a desire to experience life.
Granted, he was responsible for opening my eyes to the situation I was in and encouraging me to move forward and get rid of the "money pit" of a house I was living in and get a nice apartment.
I would keep him as a friend, but he is already trying to "change" me.
Why do men do that? Why do they fall for someone just as they are, and then start trying to change them?
"Change your hairstyle," whereas before it was gorgeous, "Lose weight", whereas before you were "just right". "Change the color of your hair and the way you dress." Whereas, before you dressed like a queen and your hair color reflected the sun....
Men.........where are the genuine ones? | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:18:12 PM | Hi.
How is your sex life with him? If you sex life is too good that would be a problem for you to dump him I would guess. But please don't look back, move on. Why? his profile is active. You can do better. | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:19:44 PM |
lets see
(1) he has not let go of the past... does he compare you to his late spouse?
(2) he is trying to drive a wedge between you and the ones close to you
(3) he is commanding and controlling... and has bouts of uncontrolled rage
now this one is the one that you should pay close attention to... "He is also rude to people, outspoken, loud and insulting to people in public."....they say to see someones true charter observe how they treat waitstaff.... it tends to bring out their true character....
He has a photo of her holding one of their grandchildren. She has curly long hair that is blondish....and she is skinny, course, she had liver cancer and that undoubtedly would make you skinny....oush!
He says he wants me to have the same hairstyle as her and the same color.. He saw a photo of me when I was foxy forty and back in the day, I had strawberry blonde hair all curled out and had mall bangs........not now! I'm a hip 60 and have long two toned hair that is as straight as a string and soft.
I told him that hairstyle is outdated and I wouldn't wear my hair that way. I could see it angered him but he didn't say anything. He was just silent.
I can already tell he resents my closeness and affection for my grandson, Dublin. I've raised Dublin and we are very close. I love him with all my heart! I can see him seething when I tell him how much my children and grandchildren mean to me.
He told me last night about an incident where his dead spouse had to squeeze his shoulders to keep him from attacking a lesbian who was obviously hurting over the loss of her best friend and was just looking for affection and acceptance.
He felt like she had thrown down the gauntlet and was challenging him to a fight because he is an ex Marine. He hates minorities, calls them horrid names, and is very vocal about it in public.
I love people and am open to any opportunity to help them.....OK, OK........I'll get out of the relationship.
Hey, that's why I posted this thread. Thanks to all of you. | |
|
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:25:58 PM |
I love people and am open to any opportunity to help them.....OK, OK........I'll get out of the relationship. That is great news. He sounds horrible. | |
|
| |
| Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:38:42 PM | Glad to hear you are planning on leaving. Make it a clean break and no more contact, he doesn't want a friend, he wants a warm blooded plaything.
I would keep him as a friend, but he is already trying to "change" me.
Why do men do that? Why do they fall for someone just as they are, and then start trying to change them?
"Change your hairstyle," whereas before it was gorgeous, "Lose weight", whereas before you were "just right". "Change the color of your hair and the way you dress." Whereas, before you dressed like a queen and your hair color reflected the sun....
Men.........where are the genuine ones?
"Men" don't do that. Physically matured, male specimens of the human race that are underdeveloped in the area that makes one an adult will say those things. The ones who claim to be men then try to change a person never really are in love with that person.
Good luck in your search, but try enjoying being single and enjoying what makes you happy first. | |
|
Home
login 
I think the logging boot fell some time ago!
