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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:27:28 AM |
Clearly some believe it is acceptable.
No one has indicated that this is "acceptable", HoneyAngel. However, you do sound bitter with the verbiage you selected. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:28:41 AM | First thing, sometimes our lives turning upside down is the best thing that could have happened to us, only it is not apparent until later that it was exactly what we needed. I'm sorry that you are so young and find yourself alone but you should also remember that becoming a mother is scary even if you are living the fairy tale marriage, etc. Being responsible for another human being is scary shit but it sounds like you are also handling things fairly well.
Honey, most of us don't do these things in life exactly the way we want. There never seems to be a really right time to have a baby so you try to plan it and then work with what you got when everything shakes out. Even when you have a child or two, a new baby is always a different personality and there are things that come up that didn't with the other child(ren) so we are all literally flying by the seats of our pants and it is intimidating.
As far as his stuff, don't even waste your time thinking about it. People often wind up being very different from who we thought they were. Many young men are totally freaked out about having kids and being a family. If he is young as well, he may come around and be a good father and a good co-parent with you as you lead your lives separately or he could ask to see if you can make it work. The wisest way for you to proceed is accept that you are doing it alone, get a support system around you, and whatever happens with the man whenever it does or doesn't happen, you can't control so don't think about it.
Make sure you are reading the book about baby's first year, do some online searches for the parenting magazines, I got tons of information from those sources when mine were little. There is a website called mamasource where you can post questions about things going on with your child, etc. as well as the parenting forum here.
My best advice to you, is to read, listen to what people say, and then listen to what your gut is telling you to do. You were born with a store of knowledge that you didn't even know you had and everything will be okay. Look at the parenting forums here, there were a couple in the last year or so about what you should get for a baby, things not to waste money on, etc. And should you wind up having a c-section which sounds scary but I had 3, piece of cake, I recommend sleeping in a recliner the first couple of weeks or however long it takes so that you won't accidentally hurt yourself if you try to get out of bed when baby cries and forget to get up so you won't hurt your stomach. Some bad moments after the first was born when I would forget to roll on my side to get up, lol.
My other tidbit, is to just try to enjoy yourself. Don't worry yourself nuts about making mistakes, just as much as possible slow yourself down to enjoy spending time with your baby. There is little that we can really do to screw kids up if we are consistent with our love, discipline when they are older, and keep up open lines of communication. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:33:16 AM | So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can imagine how scary it is. You'll love your child and you'll be able to do this, no matter what happens with the father. He can't just walk away entirely though...he will need to help to support the child. Maybe he needs to get some counselling too, so that he can see what he's doing (i.e. maybe someone else can knock some sense into him). Does he have family and friends? Do they know what's happening?
You won't be entirely alone. You need to ask for help from family, friends, government agencies, non-profit organizations, etc. Find an expecting mothers group to join to get a sense of support (maybe through a community centre, or pre-delivery classes). Meet other new moms to share info with. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:35:18 AM |
Snot, LOL, some of us don't believe that it is acceptable for fathers not to take financial responsibility for the children they helped create and just walk away and wash their hands of the situation. Clearly some believe it is acceptable. How sad. And I'm the one with issues? You guys always stick together huh?
Go back and read what I wrote HA. I clearly state that the yound lady should be sure to make certain that this young guy meets his responsibilities (both financially and as a father figure). I am in NO WAY suggesting that she just let him off the hook.
Since you are clouded by your own angst (which is again on display in the statement you wrote above) you are clearly in need of some healing. Not everyone and every situation calls for swift legal action. As a matter of fact, I think that some of the stereotypes we are constantly battling is because people assume they need to "seek legal counsel".
This is clearly a situation of two very young people trying to be grown ups and play house. The sad part is that they have no idea just how much growing up is ahead of them. The lessons will come hard and fast now. I am a strong believer that people shouldn't be allowed to have children unless they are BOTH (and in agreement) committed to seeing it all the way through.
This isn't relevant HA, but I think you need to know you are speaking to a man who has his children full time.... | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:54:06 AM |
This isn't relevant HA, but I think you need to know you are speaking to a man who has his children full time....
Strange...that's not what your profile indicates... | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:00:00 AM | Ok, honey, you have a real situation on your hands. I know you have a plethora of emotions going on right now, but you have to be logical right now.
First, do you have a job that will allow you to support you and your child? Do you have the education that will allow you to continue to further your career and allow you to succeed in the world, so you will be able to give your child the things and opportunities she/he is going to want and need as they grow up? Will you be able to provide insurance, and start a college fund, and have a decent place to live that will be safe and let your child grow up in a good environment? These are all things you need to consider. If you are smart and strong, you can most certainly raise that baby on your own, but you definitely need good parents that will help with things like babysitting, and help you provide the environment that will turn that little being into a good, moral person, and become a healthy contributing member of society.
This is all on you right now, it's going to take a ton of work and strength on your part. Being a good parent is a hard job, harder than anything you'll ever do in your life, and certainly more important than anything else you'll ever do. If you are sure you're up for it, then there are going to be some very important things you're going to need to do now, and decisions you need to make. If you're not, then I'll go over some options with you as well.
If you want to keep this child, and you feel you are up to the task, you're going to have to immediately grow up. I'm not saying this as an insult, or insinuating that you are not an adult now, but you need to recognize that this child is going to become the number one priority in your life. That means it becomes more important than going out with friends, going to parties, dating, and any type of social functions. While your friends are out having fun, you are going to be home changing diapers, washing bottles, giving baths, doing laundry, and playing with that little bundle of joy. Your biggest friend will be the television when your child is asleep. You will be lonely a lot of times, but that will be made up for by the adoration of your child. You are going to be your baby's world, and that is exactly what you need to be. Your friends will help, as will your family, they will come and visit and there are certainly places to go where you can take your child, but that baby comes first! But one of these days you'll look back and be glad you did it.
Now, I know it sounds a bit grim, and very hard, but that's not always the way it is. There is a lot of bliss in being a mother, and if you have the support of friends and family, your life can be very good.
Now as for that man who fathered your child, you need to get really serious about making sure that he helps support his offspring. That means getting a lawyer, and going to court and getting him to pay support from prenatal care all the way through age eighteen. He may not like it, but he fathered that baby willingly, and he has a responsibility to make sure she has what she needs. And that is not just paying for food and diapers, that is making sure that baby has a decent roof over their head, electricity, and other utilities. Child support is to help cover all of that.
Now if he balks at it, too bad, you get in there and fight for your child. He fathered that child, and he needs to step up and help with the care. If he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life, then he doesn't need to have liberal visitation, but he damn sure needs to pay support. If he tries to give up his parental rights to get out of paying, you fight that. That's just an ***hole's way of getting out of paying support. You fight and fight hard for your child's due support. You're going to need it if you're going to raise that child on your own.
OK, now, if you don't think you are ready for the responsibilities of everything that comes with raising a child, there is no shame in that. You are young, and having a child and all that comes with it is scary. If your choice is to not be a single mother, then I would suggest getting in touch with an adoption agency. I would look at several ones, and be very selective and interview prospective couples very carefully. Find a couple who is prosperous, stable, and has a good marriage. I would ask for a psych evaluation for the couple to weed out any prospective problems in the home or with every candidate. Make sure they have stable jobs, and if it were me, I would choose a couple where the man works and the wife stays at home, so she can give your child all the love and attention he/she could possibly want. Ask them what activities they would offer your child, like dance, sports, music, and what types of education they have themselves and what type of education they can provide for your child. Also ask the prospective parents what type of childhoods they had...that can give you a good insight into what kind of parents they may be.
Ask about their views on discipline, how they might handle different situations that may occur when your child becomes and unruly toddler or teen. Don't leave anything out. Remember that is your little bundle of joy you are entrusting them with, so you are in control entirely.
Now, I beg you, while being careful in interviewing prospective parents, once you make your decision on who will have your child, don't be one of those cruel people who change their mind at the last minute. That is a horrible thing to do, and is not only a huge blow to people who have their hopes up at bringing a child into their home, but it is just wrong to do to someone.
There are several options with adoptions. You can do an open adoption, where you visit your child on occasion, she/he knows who you are and you are an extended part of their life. It may be good for you to do this, so you can see your child grow into a healthy adult.
Then there is the closed adoption, where the child is not a part of your life, and you do not visit or spend time with the child. Some mothers find this easier, especially younger mothers, because they can go on with their lives and leave whole pregnancy and child in the past. But there is always the issue that your child may want to find you and find out who you are. You also may desire to see your child and reaquaint yourself with them, more as a friend than a mother. These are your choices, and if I had to make the choice, I would do the open adoption, that way the child can know you are the birth mother, and you can be like an 'aunt', but you can share in the important moments of the whole growing up process.
You have some hard choices to make, but they are there and have to be made. God bless you, and whatever option you choose, know that it is the right one for you...there is no wrong choice. You have to know that the main concern is for the best interest of the child.
I feel so bad for you being put in this situation. Your ex is a total jerk for doing this to you and making you have to make these choices. Personally, I think he needs a good beat down for being such a pr1ck, but you are a better person than that. If you ever need to talk or a shoulder to lean on, all you have to do is send me an email. I'll always be here to talk.
Good luck and God bless you.
Beth | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:06:05 AM | I feel for you. You obviously got alot of advice about the legal stuff. Which is good. But don't forget to take care of yourself. Check out groups like the ywca, and places like this. You could use the emotional support, now, and after the baby is born. Im hoping that your family is near by. I don't know what I would have done without mine.
I imagine you don't have to many friends in your situation, because of your age. This is where groups come in handy. There is going to be lots of tears from here on out. I had the same situation. I was scared too, and I was 32 when I was pregnant. But as lonely as you are going to feel from time to time. It is all worth it. I wish you best of luck. And keep in touch with some of them women here on the forums. Talking to experienced parents is always good.
Oh and if you have a family member willing to take your son or daughter for a night or two. Do it. You will feel guilty. But to have that alone time. To sleep, or just relax. It is not greedy. It's healthy. Hugs to you. And best of wishes.
Oh and second hand stuff free stuff rocks. Such as clothes. They only ruin them anyway, and they grow out of them so fast. Don't be afraid of freebees like this.  | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:12:43 AM | | Once your have a child it's too late to think maybe you don't. He wasn't tricked into this although you might have made sure before you got pregnant, like if he didn't want to marry you before starting a family you might want to think twice about starting one. I agree with the poster who told you to talk to a lawyer and find out your rights and the baby's rights. The last thing the baby needs is an arsehole father, so tread carefully there for the child's sake. Sometimes no father is better than a father who treats you like a burden. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:23:27 AM | | I don't know how these cowardly men can live with themselves and not take responsibility for bringing life into this world! I know I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned a woman I knocked up. That is just messed up! Its just souless well maybe some men don't care for human life. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:28:00 AM |
Of course i want him to come back, but he says he wont as he just cant do the family thing.. So i suppose i need to accept hes gone but i am so confused about everything! I was under the impression we would be bringing up this child together, not me on my own. Im very scared and although i still want this baby, i still dont want to do it alone.
~sigh~
And here's another that I'd see pushing the stroller down the street so I could holler out my window, "And he said he loved you, right?!" and then shake my head and keep driving...
Practice safe sex - cross your legs not your fingers. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:44:30 AM |
I was under the impression we would be bringing up this child together, not me on my own. Oops.
I never wanted to be a single mum, and im going to be, i find it scary.
That's why you might want to be married FIRST. No guarantee, but at least it's easier to get law behind you!  | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:49:16 AM | | It took him six month to figure out he doesn't want to be a dad? Now that it is too late to have an abortion he finally figures that one out. What an idiot. I would take him for everything he has. You are stuck with the baby and he is off enjoying his single life? What an ass. I feel sorry for you. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:09:17 AM | Gawd.. what is with you women who SO want to "PUNISH" the man?
Look.. SHE picked him. SHE felt she was mature enough at 17 or 18 to make a LIFE CHOICE. I'd be willing to bet that he wasnt all that sure about wanting and planning this baby. If so, he'd have married her first.
Something just doesnt sound right that a guy would go from planning a life, MAKING a life.. and then a complete bailout. It doesnt follow logic.
The OP needs to come clean about HER PARTICIPATION in all of this first.
I wouldnt be surprised if the failure of contraception didnt have a little deviousness in it on her part. Especially at that age.
So let's presume he DIDNT want marriage and had told her so
DIDNT want kids and had told her so
And that she DID try to entrap him after reassuring him the Birth Control WAS being taken.. or horror of horrors.. put pinholes in the condom.. Or maybe HE was as immature and as stupid as she is appearing at 20.. and believed HER about her "safe" times..
What if THOSE facts were in place??
If you want a man to commit to babymaking.. WAIT until he demonstrates that commitment with a MARRIAGE. If you dont have level one commitment.. dont whine or complain OR try to screw-him-after-the-fact for not commiting to you in the first place.
Or better yet.. DONT HAVE SEX WITHOUT MARRIAGE FIRST!
This whole thing of "Well men have to take responsibility for what they create"
Ok.. Then leave the final decision to the man.. and if HE votes for abortion.. You HAVE to go get one. How's that for taking responsibility.
I didnt know that "Hey honey.. wanna get naked and have sex with me"
Is a promise to now live HIS life by YOUR decision.
Sheeesh.. Women.. if you dont want to be left by the side of the road.. STOP MAKING BAD CHOICES IN YOUR SPERMDONORS.
Men ask.. women grant permission. You have ALL the power in the first place. WITH that power.. comes a LARGER amount of responsibility.
Of course.. that is if you WANT equality
HAVE the adoption.. Take the cannoli | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:49:07 PM | I'm confused by the men's responses, here.
She was in a long-term, committed relationshp with a man that loved her, and she loved him. They decided to have a baby together.
He then blew off her and the baby.
How is this HER fault? Why is SHE to blame? Just what did she do "wrong" in this scenario?! I love how the guys just think it's dandy that the guy, poor thing, is skeered and doesn't want to grow up yet! Tough!!! Don't fck if you don't want the possible consequences, is my motto.
She didn't "trap" him into unprotected sex. He willfully entered into it, knowing full well she could and wanted to get preggers.
KindMan, WTF is UP with you and your "he should be allowed force her to have an abortion" because he's taking responsibility? WTF??? Most people have a differing view of what "being an adult" and "taking responsibility" means, and it doesn't include surgery. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:10:50 PM | This isn't going to go ever well with the forum crowd..
I recommend you give the baby up for adoption. A CLOSED adoption.
The child isn't some rag doll one could just give up!
I can understand children being adopted out when parents are incapable physically and mentally to look after this child, but where's her handicap? ....
Seriously, people should pay more attention to the power and influence their words have on someone so volunerable......your post could be the reason this child grows up wondering why her mother couldn't loved her....
For every mother i've known that has adopted her child out all seem to have regrets, all of them have a void in their hearts that could NEVER be filled.
Sadly...You really need to be a mother to be able to understand this. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:22:43 PM | I went through something like this in my 30's - I hadn't ever planned to be a single mum either.
I'd view both of you with compassion. It doesn't do either of you any good to allow your fears to spill over each other. It may be repairable in the fullness of time, but not if you allow your hurt and anger and fear to blow up on him now, when he is the least equipped to handle it.
For you: John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you're making other plans"
Your life now is the other plans, so there is no point in wishing you had a different life. Let's make the best of this one, and not turn turmoil into something worse.
Quit worrying about his fears and why he would do this. Although understandable and perfectly natural, it isn't your job now. Focus on being the best baby factory you can be. You don't own your life right now, the baby does. That is your job. Don't stress. The baby doesn't need to be swamped by stress hormones. Much of what you need to do can be done once the baby is born and much of it can't be done until then. These people telling you to get a lawyer this week, now and go after your frightened boyfriend are well intentioned but, pfft, you can't do anything about child support until there is a baby born... so why upset yourself with that stuff now? You can't take away your bf's fears, or make him come back... so why worry about it now? His opinion might change after the baby is born, so deal with it then. Park it until then. Park everything until then. You can't imagine what your life will be like when the baby is born, so don't bother lying awake worrying about it. Doesn't do a lick of good, and just floods the baby with those stress hormones.
Let this be the guide or a mantra: "After the baby is born"
* If it is something that just needs to be handled before the baby is born, do it in the least stressful and disruptive way possible.
* If it can wait, shelve it.
* Almost EVERYTHING can wait.
Ask yourself if worrying about something is positive or negative and if it is serving any purpose. If not, park it until "After The Baby Is Born"
I imagine your bf is afraid, that the reality was more than what he imagined. I imagine his fears are running away with him. He can't really imagine what being a father is like, not any more than you can imagine what being a mum will be like. Look, being a parent is kinda like explaining the concept of balancing on a bike. Remember when you were learning how to ride a bike? No matter how anyone tried to explain balance, you couldn't "get it" until that moment when you ACTUALLY experienced it, could you? Being a parent is like that. In the moment of birth, you 'get it'.
Be compassionate with his fear. Imagine how you would wish someone to support you when you are in a life crisis... be that person for him now. Give him the space to have his fear. Until "After the baby is born" THEN you can look at your situation and his and things will be different than they are right now. They will be different. Don't worry about it until you know what you are dealing with THEN. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:55:22 PM | | Honestly I can can say I feel bad for the both of you. I can not really give you helpful advice. but I can feel you on being a single mother it's rough as well as the negative connotations that come with it. I also feel bad for the guy as well, me not being a "family" oriented man a baby would devastate me, I hope he does the right thing and helps you with this child because the baby did not choose to be here, also being a single mother is not the end of the world, good luck with everything. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:59:01 PM | Though I have no children, I get the very, very strong impression, reading this, that everything Margo said should be read, re-read, and thoroughly internalized by not only this poster but anyone expecting. It just all... rings.
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:02:32 PM | Move on, have the kid, find a real man that will accept both of you and become a family, There are plenty of men that will accept both of you, love both of you and take care of both of you. Cut the sperm donor out as nothing worse than being a child and knowing you are not wanted. Screw the force him to pay as that will give him rights to a child he doesn't a want which can be turned on you and you get to foot a huge legal bill to get him out of your life and he can sue and take your kid for spite and treat the child like crap. You spread your legs for him and you got pregnant, move on and find a real man that will accept both of you.
I dated a woman who was my friends sister who I hit it off with. She was pregnant and I helped her move and she cooked dinner as she wanted to do something for me helping as I got the whole move paid for. We ended up going out for quite a while but broke up because she thought I should take her whole family out and pay as I made good money and there was little us time. If she made time for me I would have married her and took care of both her kids.
Plenty of good guys that want a family and are willing to accept you and your child. May not be a guy that fits into your perfect what you want mold but they are out there.
Now for the reason I said don't go for the child support as a punishment. A friend of mine did this to the man she willingly had sex with and got his name on the birth certificate. He wanted nothing to do with her or the kid and she fought him. She got support and he never saw the kid. Once a year she filed a motion to find out if he was making more money and if he was she went for more. Her son just turned 9. She had some health issues and some depression issues, caused problems for the father and he sued for custody. He had her declared unfit, got the kid, got her parental rights suspended and got support from her and moved the kid 3000 mile from her. She has now been went crazy several times, been arrested 4 times, committed twice, has a felony assault against a police officer pending from when they took her son. Her son was her life and now she has lost him as he had more money and much better lawyers.
Now his bad in this, if he didn't want kids he should have got them snipped so he couldn't have kids. It really sucks that you are stuck but find a guy who will want you and the child and keep the jerk that does not want the kid completely out of both of your lives. Sounds like you were not married and you knew the risks, not trying to put you down but find someone that does want you. Maybe if he sees the child he will change his mind but if he doesn't just move on. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:40:00 PM | Ok Cassa.. you are patently wrong here
She was NOT in a "long term committed relationship" where did you get that from. She was hangin out with some BOY she knew from highschool (IF she finished & graduated) and they were shacking up. NO WHERE in her post does she give ONE iota of information that they had had an INFORMED and ADULT conversation about life, commitment, marriage or even stopping any birth control in order to start the procreation part of it. YOU are presuming this all had informed consent IN ADVANCE. I'm betting that it didnt.. However.. NEITHER you nor I know for sure
What she did WRONG (to use your words) is to NOT be a fully grown and life-experienced WOMAN, and then having her eventual sperm-donor make an adult COMMITTMENT to her (ie: marriage) which would have been a better indication of his committment level.
You are advocating forced fatherhood as some kind of PUNISHMENT for a guy wanting to have sex. Yeah.. HE was probably raised by a NOW-generation single mom too.
He "willfully" entered into her vagina. now having an erection is NOT implied consent.. and frankly.. I really wonder if you had a teenaged son who knocked up a girl, if YOU or your ANGRY-AT-MEN-Sisters would immediately FORCE your son to "make an honest woman" out of their chosen sperm-receptacle.
Let's assume for the moment that NO MAN enters into the sexual arena thinking..
Oh boy.. I'm gettin LUCKY tonight.. I get a shot at makin a KID
However.. the WOMAN already KNOWS..
Oh crap.. I sure hope I dont get pregnant tonight, cause I'm horny and my birthcontrol might fail, the condom might break, or I might get too drunk to make him wear it but will be so drunk that I dont care cause ever since I was 8 I always wanted a baby and now at 19 I believe I am ready and I cant believe how horny I am I must be ovulating but that's ok cause I am ready.
I guarantee you this.. Take away auto-childsupport and auto-punishing of the sperm donor.. and the sound you will hear is the loud slap of ALL those women's thighs closing before marriage.
you women want to punish men for having a gawd-given-instinctual ERECTION.. and wanting to DO something with it. If you dont want men to flake or bail on you.. DONT GIVE IT UP without the marriage certificate. THAT will stop irresponsible men. They will be washing their hand.
Cassa.. Stop assuming presuming facts NOT in evidence in people's posts. Go with whatever FACT is presented.. and advise appropriately.. Or have another drink or 4 | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:48:03 PM | | First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your predicament. No advice can elevate your sadness and confusion right now. Hang in there and give this baby a chance to see the world in 2 months. Take the loser to court to pay child support. Good luck to you. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:51:33 PM | OP you we all sleep in the bed that we make! I think you wanted the kid or got pregnant thinking he would stick around! I guess you were wrong! A mistake many younger women make.
As for Landra Nasty! But shes right.
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:06:05 PM | | 1kindmanforu...Are you serious???Give me a break, I am not even going to argue with you,mister single dad, go and reread what you said and then apoligize to the op.Sounds like you should have kept your****in your pants...you think! | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:07:29 PM | OP-
The decision was made to make a baby without being married.
Your ex "partner" left not because of you, but because of what the both of
you produced.
You want the baby but don't want to be a single mum.
Guess you have some really hard decisions to make and will have to grow up
fast now. Ain't nobody here can make decisions for you, and ain't nobody
here going to support that baby, change it's diapers, walk the floor with
it in the middle of the night, figure out daycare, go to parent-teacher meetings,
worry about the teen who isn't home at 2am, etc.
These are your options:
You keep the baby name him as the father and go after child support (if he goes from
job to job, good luck with that) and raise the child the best you can.
You keep the baby and don't go after support and raise the child the best you can.
You give the child up for adoption.
Tough lessons to be learned from the University of Life.
Tuition has to be paid one way or another.
Good luck. | |
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