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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:15:04 PM | I dont think anyone ever really wants to be a single mom, to be honest, but we make the best of our situations. Just know that you are not alone, there are plenty of other people out there who have been through the same situation and are willing to offer support. It IS hard as a single parent but it is not impossible and I think that what you need to do now is to concentrate on yourself and that beautiful baby that is growing inside you. You need to concentrate on building a life and a home for you new family, I know it might not be the family you had envisioned but it is still a family and there is a lot of happiness to be had in it. When my partner left our daughter was 9 months old and he was so miserable and 'trapped' by the responsibility of a child - a child he wanted desperately before we had her - things were actually much, much easier. (He's 26 and i'm 22 and we are unmarried) I think that, for us, the seperation was the right decision and me and my daughter are much happier as a single parent family and her daddy now sees her one day a week (well, most of the time - he still has some inconsistancy issues but things are getting better) and supports her financially which seems to work well for us all.
I hope you have a good support system of family and friends but if not then dont hesitate to make new friends at groups aimed at young single parents, they will understand what you are going through and I think you might be surprised by the support available to you.
Above all believe in yourself, you are bound to be hurt and confused now but in time that will fade and you will have your child and the life you choose for the both of you. Think positive (I know that isn't always easy) and focus on the joy and happiness you can have instead of the pain. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:23:18 PM | What's the point of pointing fingers as to whose to blame? Last I saw it took two to produce a child!
Whether the guy wants out doesn't matter to anyone but the OP, he should take care of his responsibilities to help financially raise this child, either voluntarily or by court order.
It's pretty easy for others to recommend adoption.......but it's a hard choice for the individual. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:31:47 PM | | hi... OP, I am so sorry to read this ... I can understand how scared you must feel OP.. but it will be ok , many women used to give birth at 20 because 25 was too old!!!... you can never control what someone else will do, just what you will do .. I hope that you will carry this baby until term with love and kindness .. even if you decide to give this baby up you would have done so much more than the natural father did.. shame on him for putting you/baby through more stress at this time yet you will not have to answer for that he will..... be strong OP for you and for the baby, one day you will wear a crown with a special star just for mothers... life is a gift, accept it, be thankful and pay the gift forward by doing what is right even though it may not be what is easy... many blessings for health, healing and strength OP | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:34:15 PM | EVERYTHING that It's Margo has said is RIGHT ON!
Op, this is the person to listen to in this instance.
Also, Silken Fire has a really good post on what could be done about the father.
This is important for all parties....especially the baby. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:38:24 PM | | Hi my name is Ray and I'm 55 years wise. First as much as you can, try to look at your situation with as little emotion as possible and accept what is true. Your mate left and is not going to come back. ALthough you didn't say so , it sounds like he's justifing his leaving based on your having been on POF. As the father of the child, he does have a financial responsibility to support the child and through the courts can be compelled to do so. I would recommend you ask him about his intentions concering this subject because even though he may not want to do the "family thing " it is the right thing to do in insuring proper care for his child. If you cannot see your self as a single "mum" you may want to consider adoption. There are many loving couples who can not have children of their on and would provide good homes and futures for your child. It is not something done lightly however, and I would recomemend you get counseling in either case. Good Luck | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:42:21 PM | l would bet that he is trying to force you to have an abortion or have someone adopt the baby.
He would have left soon anyway Being a guy it is easy to see through his game | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:59:14 PM | bluewhatever
I KNOW you wont argue with me. Arguments are best done with facts. It's hard to fire a gun filled with emotion against a wall of fact.
Obviously you need to brush up on your reading comprehension skills.
I'll quote the OP here
"3 weeks ago, i was living with my partner, and as far as i knew, we had the perfect relationship."
Ok.. sorry ladies.. Note she says.. "as far as I knew" Frankly MY contention is.. that at 20.. she basically KNOWS very little. and what follows proves it.
"Then suddenly out of the blue, he says we need to talk, and tells me he is leaving."
NOTHING is "out of the blue to an aware ADULT individual. Of course.. I already mentioned that to BE an aware adult individual.. you need to LIVE an adult life.. which at 20, she obviously hadnt done.
" His reason is that i am 6 months pregnant with his baby (he has known all along) and does not want the family life. He said he does not want to have a baby so he felt he had no choice but to leave."
Again.. I refuse to believe this came up.. OUT OF THE BLUE. Sorry.. it doesnt pass the sniff test. SURE he knew all along.. from the day you said.. GUESS what.. I'm pregnant! Of COURSE he guessed wrong
"We have spoken, and he said leaving me had nothing to do with me, it was the baby he doesnt want, and that if i hadnt have got pregnant, there would be no reason for him to leave me."
Ok.. he is saying he never wanted to have a baby.. Why arent you people seeing that out of her own quote from him? Reading comprehension people.
" but only because he knows its the right thing to do, not becuase he actually wants to be a dad"
Again.. HIS WORDS. sorry again, I dont see any evidence of ANYTHING he actually did to show that he wanted to MAKE a baby.. planned it out.. and purposely made it happen.. People just dont change. HER recounting of EVERYTHING he has said to her is SCREAMING him saying.. "I NEVER WANTED A BABY AND DONT WANT ONE NOW"..
Oh, I'm still not seeing ANY evidence to the contrary within this post.
" and i thought things were very good!"
Yes.. at 20.. you probably ARE somewhat immature and delusional
"It feels as if hes just been able to walk away and im left to pick up the pieces"
FEELS like it?? He HAS just walked away.. and ALL of her(the OP)'s whining about wishing, hoping for a different outcome wont make that outcome change.
NEXT.. she'll be on here lamenting on how he is MISSING the cooing.. the teething.. the hair coming in.. the first step.. the first day at school.. ALL that sweet crapola that makes WOMEN go AWWWWWWWWW...
Trust me.. if he bailed now.. he WONT WANT ANY PART OF IT.
Bluemiss.. I deal with reality and what IS. This little girl needs to deal with WHAT IS and stop whining, crying, hoping-he'll-come-back crap.. and make a decision that fits what is best for this kid.
She is immature.. childish.. does NOT want to be a single mum.. but WILL BE.. and is still pining for the guy who left.. NOT the foundation of maturity that this kid will NEED to have a chance in world. She needs to do right by the kid and give it to a loving COUPLE who is ready for all that having and RAISING a child entails. The OP obviously is NOT the right person to do it.
She made a HUGE mistake to go shack up at 17 with a punk kid. Dont compound that and other mistakes by ruining a child's life. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:04:16 PM | [Go back and read what I wrote HA. I clearly state that the yound lady should be sure to make certain that this young guy meets his responsibilities (both financially and as a father figure). I am in NO WAY suggesting that she just let him off the hook.]
CLEARLY, you state "Soak him". Those were not the words of the poster who replied. Whatever it is that has formed your clouds, I wonder why you feel the need to blast anyone here, since you agree that each parent should accept their responsibility. The stereotype was conjured up by your post!
In any case, you are right, the lessons will come hard & FAST; thus, the need for SWIFT legal action. A baby needs diapers immediately.
It doesn't matter what you believe or whether or not many of us agree that you should be licensed prior to becoming a parent (not having a child which requires only one person, but rather, making one!), the fact remains that a baby is going to be born. There are two people involved in the making of that child, and there are two people responsible for the care of the child.
It is unfair to go on the attack, then attack others when it your inflammatory words that put them on the defensive!
OP, sad situation. Good luck! | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:13:10 PM | um, excuse me for asking such a silly question, but don't people discuss things together first? this topic thread disgusses me in the most horrific way, how can people be so, very unplanned, unthoughtful?
I don't know if or why you've asked anyones' opinions, I don't think you did in this area, but why did you even do it?
this is a sin worse than hell, in my opinion | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:17:14 PM | yes I read, and if you can't trust the person you are lying with then you are not all together, together, k?
ps read:catholic | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:29:14 PM | Yanno 1kindman, your soapbox is getting rather old, as is the guttural way you have of communicating, especially for someone your age. The OP has presented herself in a far more mature manner in the written form than you ever could hope to. Now that's not an assumption on my part, that's an observation of fact from what I see in black and white before me.
What gives you or anyone else the authority to determine that she would be making a mistake or be a poor excuse of a mother by keeping her child? By virtue of your age alone? There have likely been more people who have been older, married and adoptive parents who have screwed up the lives of their kids than what some 20 year olds have as single parents.
You talk about people sticking to the facts and yet you get on that good old soap box of yours as though you know all the facts yourself. You have absolutely no idea of the familial support system this woman may have, the background she has, how resourceful she may be, and any other resources available to her, etc. You're far more interested in how she got pregnant than the fact that she is pregnant.
There are any number of people who are confident, strong, well-rounded individuials who populate this earth who grew up in a single parent situation. Indeed, there are even young men who have been single parents who have done and continue to do an admirable job. Try a google search of some of the more well-known ones and then go back and rethink your venomous diatribe. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:35:38 PM | [yes I read, and if you can't trust the person you are lying with then you are not all together, together, k?
ps read:catholic]
If the person you trust turns out to be untrustworthy, you are guilty of poor judgment, nothing more!
PS I am also Catholic, but, more importantly, Christian; judge not! | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:41:41 PM | Ohwhynot-read what was written.
The Poster DID CLEARLY state SOAK HIM, not me. Go back and read what was written before YOU comment and go after ME (aka another poster). This is what is known as a hypocritical.
OT
Some great advice here for this young lady. Hopefully she reads it and takes some of it to heart. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:47:27 PM | [The Poster DID CLEARLY state SOAK HIM, not me. Go back and read what was written before YOU comment and go after ME (aka another poster). This is what is known as a hypocritical.]
SO sorry, my bad! I misread "HA" | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:51:47 PM | People old enough to have sex, better have some ground rules if they are of reproductive age, when it comes to when and if children will be part of the plan.
Now I know I am going to sound harsh here, but the truth is, men need to make sure that the woman they are having vaginal sex with, is on the same page they are when it comes to using contraception. And don't simply take it for granted that she is on birth control. And women should take it for granted that he is sterile or has had a vasectomy. If the man or woman doesn't want children then you better make sure you use great contraception and use it correctly.
And to be honest, a man may walk away, but here in the states with DNA testing, if he is deemed the father he is not off the hook financially. Women as a rule have all the control once they are pregnant. She can have an abortion, keep the paper, or even deny she knows who the father is and then put the child up for adoption.
Only real loser in this situation is the only innocent party. The baby/child.
~Beth~ | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:04:11 PM | [Only real loser in this situation is the only innocent party. The baby/child.]
Beth, you are right
Division, of course you wouldn't be in the same situation; men can't get pregnant! If you reread, you will see that the OP said that they did discuss this, and that the pregnancy was planned. Perhaps she is guilty of poor judgment, but she is not alone. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:12:22 PM | [They weren't completely honest with each other.]
No sh&t, Sherlock, or at least one of them wasn't. In any case, placing blame serves no purpose. The "problem" at hand needs to be dealt with, by both parties. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:28:57 PM | Hey UKindMan4U,
Why don't you back the hell off of this poor girl? Didn't you ever fall in love at a young age? And by the way, I graduated high school at 17, started college full time while still in high school, and had completed two years worth of courses in college by the time I graduated high school, so not everyone at 17 is some dumb kid without goals or aspirations. I was a Junior in college at 18 and got married at 18 and a half. I had my daughter at 20 and was married for 6 years. I would have stayed married longer, but he was a total emotionless jerk, who paid no attention to me or my daughter...and yeah I said MY daughtet, because that SOB couldn't be trusted to watch her for an hour while I went for groceries...he never even changed a single diaper.
So quit giving this young woman such a load of mysogynistic crap...accusing her of 'tricking' him into getting her pregnant, what a load of bs. It was his pr1ck, he knew where he was putting it, and they'd been living together for 5 years, she had good reason to believe he was trustworthy, and she said they BOTH agreed to having the child. Plus, if he didn't want the baby, he should have told her before 12 weeks, when abortion was a choice, instead of waiting 6 months and bailing.
This dude is a real jerk, so quit defending him.
Beth | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:37:22 AM | I strongly suspect that there's a lot more to this story than the OP is willing to share. I wonder why the need to "defend" being here; and also WHY someone who's been in a "committed relationship" for the last 3 years would choose a dating site for "forums" when there ARE so many OTHERS available that don't revolve around "dating". I'm perfectly willing to accept her explaination, but then...I don't live with her and it's not my baby she's carrying. Him KNOWING all along that she was on here is NOT the same thing as him LIKING the fact that she's here. (nuff said)
I have to wonder if the "he's supported me all along" statement isn't similar to that as well.
We don't even need to discuss whether what HE did is "right or wrong"; it's obviously immature regardless. He should have used protection, he should have made his desires blatently obvious, blah, blah, blah. There are many things that he SHOULD have done; but didn't...shame on him. NOW; getting to the meat of the matter.....It takes 2 to tango.
What the hell are you doing at age 20 with no husband, no "real commitment" even THINKING about having a child? This is NOT a doll that get down off the shelf when you want to play Mommy; this is a REAL live human being! A child's welfare is MORE important than to be decided on a whim, or a "well...he was "ok" with it. NO! Nonsense!
Parenting is a SERIOUS committment, it's not like trying to decide on which pair of shoes to buy. You don't decide about another human beings LIFE with this attitude of "oh well...if I don't like it, or....if the other party bails out...it's no big deal!" How dare you do this to a child?
I would assume that by age 20 you can read. You should therefore be totally aware that over 60% of children are being reared by SINGLE PARENTS. Whether you THOUGHT you'd have help raising this child or NOT...the fact remains that you IGNORED the statistics and the REALITIES of life....that in all likelihood, you would at some point be raising this child ALONE. The fact that you totally disregarded those realities tells me that you are not mature enough to parent....with or without "help".
What HE does or doesn't do is irrelevant. His irresponsibility or lack of maturity does NOT NEGATE YOUR obligation to be responsible and mature. What a SHAME it is to have to tell an innocent child that the 2 parents were in a pissing contest trying to decide which one of them is more or less responsible. SYMPATHY does NOT get a child raised.
You've stated that you needed to get this off your chest.....AND asked for advice. Ok, you've gotten the the "ahhh, poor thing"; NOW, for the "advice". If you CANNOT accept the responsibility and provide a life for this child ALONE, then place the child for adoption. Every child deserves "A" parent who is willing and able to rear them regardless of what ANOTHER person does. 2 is nice, but 1 will suffice!!!! (as long as that one isn't having a perpetual pity party) | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:20:53 AM | OMG. To all the men and women that are bashing this girl. And thinking that they are the be all to end all. I hope your daughters get knocked up at a young age. And end up in the same boat as her.
Then turn around and give your kids the same advice you gave her. And be every bit as cruel. Im sure you will too. Because your kids would be just as stupid.
Op don't let what they say get to you. Just find groups and programs to help you through this difficult time. Right now it is hard to see the forest because of the trees. Don't beat yourself down because of someone walking out. Lots of people start families before the age of 25. Oh you should have been married. That is a bunch of shit. Wanna talk stats. Almost half of them end in divorce, and over greed more then anything.
Do what is best for you and that child. At 25 he should have been more of a man. And not a walking sperm bank. Unfortuntly men of been turning their backs on their responsibilities for as long as man has existed.
Take care of you. Take care of that baby. Your in for the hardest greatest experience of your life. Any mom will tell you the same. I wish you all the luck. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:37:02 AM | Men have the option of deciding when/if it suits them to be a parent and leaving it up to us the rest of the time. They don't get the stretch marks, they don't have to be on call 24/7 mommy duty. It's just so unfair.
And women dont? R U flippen serious? My ex left the hospital right after she had my daughter and didnt tell anyone! Its just been me since day one!!!! She is now 4 and never seen her mother since she came out,Not a happy b-day not a merry christmas NOTHING! So dont go saying men are the only ones who abandon a kid! | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:23:19 AM | If you CANNOT accept the responsibility and provide a life for this child ALONE, then place the child for adoption. Every child deserves "A" parent who is willing and able to rear them regardless of what ANOTHER person does. 2 is nice, but 1 will suffice!!!! (as long as that one isn't having a perpetual pity party)
Interesting how different people interpret things differently. Nowhere did I see that this young woman wasn't willing or able to rear a child on her own. I see that she didn't expect that she would be rearing one on her own, just like the poster above me didn't expect he would be rearing a child on his own. There's a distinct difference. She's facing a scary situation because the unknown can be a scary proposition. Yup, just keep your mouth shut, take your lumps, don't discuss how you feel and quit your whining - great compassion.
This is what she said:
It feels as if hes just been able to walk away and im left to pick up the pieces. I never wanted to be a single mum, and im going to be, i find it scary.
If you get unwilling and unable to be a single parent or whining from this statement, it would suck to have you as a parent. It's great to be tough and full of bluster when you're not the one living the situation. I'm sure she'll come to a conclusion after much sole searching as she feels this child kicking within her womb and do what's right for her particular situation in the end, whether that be adoption or raising the child herself.
For all of these other people who are so down on the OP and figure she should give the child up for adoption as an automatic, if you were married with children that you "thought" were going to be reared from inception to adulthood by two parents, perhaps your children should have been adopted out when you got your divorces and "screwed up their lives" and, believe me, whether you think they don't bear the scars from it in one way, shape or another, you're wrong. I doubt all of you got your divorces when your children were adults. Mine were 18 and 19 at the time of mine and I know it affected them, even though they were more able to rationalize the dynamics more readily. No doubt you were scared about how you were going to take care of them and yourself. Didn't you also think when you had them to begin with there were going to be two people parenting? Do we have deadbeat dad and deadbeat mothers as terms for only people who have had children out of wedlock? Someone walks out in marriages where children are involved; someone assumed their partner in a marriage would be there to help them raise the children from beginning to end - I see this as being no different. Give me a break. Self-righteousness and double standards at their finest from divorced parents.
I'm all for planned parenthood myself but crap happens in this world. Compassion and provision of alternate solutions to the problem, as stated by people like ItsMargo, goes a lot further in helping people faced with these situations make wise choices in the end rather than constant chastisement and judgemental statements from people who have had their own screw ups at least once in their lives that have affected more than just themselves. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:13:09 AM | :Wink: Great job of taking what I said out of context so it fit your argument....let's try quoting ALL of what I said:
You've stated that you needed to get this off your chest.....AND asked for advice. Ok, you've gotten the the "ahhh, poor thing"; NOW, for the "advice". If you CANNOT accept the responsibility and provide a life for this child ALONE, then place the child for adoption. She asked for BOTH, sympathy, AND advice. I think there are plenty here giving the sympathy, and few giving sound advice. Margo DID give her excellent advice; I'm just not as nice as Margo, nevertheless my advice is equally sound.
if you were married with children that you "thought" were going to be reared from inception to adulthood by two parents, perhaps your children should have been adopted out when you got your divorces
Ummm, noooo, the difference was that when I got divorced and had children to raise alone....I was prepared; because BEFORE I got pregnant the first time...I made sure that I WAS prepared to do so....no matter what anyone ELSE decided they were going to do. I've always been aware that I can't predict anyone elses behavior....ONLY my OWN.
Granted, 2 parents can screw up a kid just as easily as 1 can; what I'm talking about however is the ability to SUPPORT and provide for these children.
No doubt you were scared about how you were going to take care of them and yourself. Well....NO, not really...they were children, not wild animals...so I never really felt that I need a whip a gun and a chair to deal with them.
Someone walks out in marriages where children are involved; someone assumed their partner in a marriage would be there to help them raise the children from beginning to end - I see this as being no different. Well, admittedly, being literate does have it's advantages....I was, so I already suspected that there was a 60% chance that I would eventually be raising my children alone. But then, I do things like buying life insurance and keeping a supply of candles on hand in case the electric goes off too.
Compassion is great, alternative solutions are great too. I suggest that she either FOCUS on the child (and let the father be hanged) OR...give the child to someone who's not so focused on what a rotten dog Daddy is that she spends more time plotting revenge against him than she does rearing the child. There's no time like the present to start behaving maturely. JUST like Margo said...FOCUS on her, and the child...those are the ONLY 2 that she can do anything about.
Yup, just keep your mouth shut, take your lumps, don't discuss how you feel and quit your whining - great compassion. Certainly NO ONE has told her to shut her mouth and take her lumps.....although, she's surely going to take some; of her own making.
Coddling may make YOU feel good, but I suspect that a good dose of "angry determination" will help her at lot more at this point than all the "awwww, poor baby's" that she's already getting. Feeling sorry for oneself rarely gets anything accomplished, even when it's warranted. Parenting is NOT for wimps....as she's about to find out. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:24:14 AM | | wow, can I just say everyone calm the f**k down............... seriously yes taking your medicine works, it did take two too tango, and yes you should chat with a partner just in case the old roll in the hay leaves to a new life, when she knew she was pregnant that is s conversation that should have happened very soon and fast, then if they both don't want kids go to the clinic and sort the issue out, but that is not the case you have a kid and forget the dad think of you, and have the baby, seek professional advice if you choose to keep it get your ass in gear and prepare yourself. The dad may or may not come around in time, many guys would kill to be part of their kids lives and this is one very very sore point, maybe a forum is just not the place, yes some men run out, yes some women run out as one guy said. This is a life and make it one, leave the bitter crap out of it and get on with the child preparations or adopt the kid out. But people just stop the nasty stuff, we all have had our own experiences and a hell of a lot of bad ones me included. Tough love has it's uses just not now, go get your professional advice and talk it over if you keep the kid he pays maintenance end of story, if you don't then tell him to go get the snip and end the Bs he spurts out, if he is so sure he dosn't want kids then he dosn't need his balls. | |
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