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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:37:39 AM |
Since then i have moved and am living on my own, preparing for my baby which is due in january.
She's obviously got herself together and is showing determination. But if you insist that the rest of your tone is warranted and that's how you like to communicate with people, whatever floats your boat. I've always found that people are more willing to listen to calm, sound advice, rather than someone who's railing at them.
What the hell are you doing at age 20 with no husband, no "real commitment" even THINKING about having a child? This is NOT a doll that get down off the shelf when you want to play Mommy; this is a REAL live human being! A child's welfare is MORE important than to be decided on a whim, or a "well...he was "ok" with it. NO! Nonsense!
Parenting is a SERIOUS committment, it's not like trying to decide on which pair of shoes to buy. You don't decide about another human beings LIFE with this attitude of "oh well...if I don't like it, or....if the other party bails out...it's no big deal!" How dare you do this to a child?
I would assume that by age 20 you can read. You should therefore be totally aware that over 60% of children are being reared by SINGLE PARENTS. Whether you THOUGHT you'd have help raising this child or NOT...the fact remains that you IGNORED the statistics and the REALITIES of life....that in all likelihood, you would at some point be raising this child ALONE. The fact that you totally disregarded those realities tells me that you are not mature enough to parent....with or without "help".
You apparently like to rail sarcastically in a way that is akin to closing the barn door after the horse is out of the barn. I agree that great clarity on both party's parts is warranted before getting pregnant but your above comments are a solution exactly how? Determination is great. It would appear this young woman has it by moving, being on her own and "preparing" for her child to be (whether or not that means keeping it or not) and requesting thoughts of others on how best to cope with how she is feeling. One doesn't have be be "angry" to be determined but you obviously get off on the angry part of determination for whatever reason and have outright told this young woman she is not mature enough to be a parent. Comments such as that certainly don't go far to instill confidence, strength and determination, and in my experience, generally goes towards creating the opposite desired result. You really don't know her capabilities of being a good parent any more than you know anything about other aspects of her life. Again, there have been many who have gone through this in their life and have produced exceptional results with their children, even if I disagree with how they found themselves in these circumstances to begin with, including some of our world leaders' parents.
I also disagree with people who have kids without being prepared to the point where one of them can't stay home with them to actually raise them the first few years until they head off to school the way I did - why have them if you're going to farm them out to daycares, etc.? That's not being prepared to have them as far as I'm concerned either. But that's in a perfect world and we know this isn't one, so we take what we're dealt with, even if what we're dealt with is based on poor choices, and move foreward; not beat ourselves up and everyone else for making those choices after the fact. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:18:15 AM | For those of you sitting in judgement of the OP,
Single motherhood is not always a choice, sometimes the decision is made for you and out of your control. My first MARRIAGE ended after two years and I was 8 months pregnant ... HE DECIDED he wanted to live the single life and party ... my second MARRIAGE ended when my HUSBAND DIED ... and we had 3 children by then.
This couple was well into a 3 year committed relationship - a marriage certificate does not guarantee that your spouse is going to stick around.
OP,
You have received some very thoughtful, considerate advice with regards to your situation. I would add that if you have a good relationship with both sets of Grandparents-To-Be, I would encourage you to nurture those relationships. His decision to leave doesn't necessarily mean that his extended family has no desire to be a positive part of your child's life. They may be a great emotional support to you as well.
I wish you every success in your journey, a healthy baby, a loving parent/child relationship and a happy future. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:18:17 PM | 1kindman4u or whatever...You are ranting about marriage and facts, yet you go on to presume alot in your posts.You made a comment about not being surprised if she wasn't devious and planned to get pregnant[not word for word] yet , how do you know that it was't the guy being devious. Stupid assumption or what?
I read your profile and marriage didn't help you because you are divorced. Big deal, she didn't get married, what good did it do you? And for her, he may have left anyway, marrried or not. That is not the issue here. Your comments hold no ground. Now, as you suggested to another poster ,go have a drink or 4.
He took the easy way out and she is stuck with the responsibility...for whatever reason.Unfortunately, the mother is usually the one that gets the responsibility when things don't work out. They need to make a law that men not only have to pay support, but be forced to give support to the child also.[Not always a good thing in all cases] After all, they spread their legs too, should have kept them shut, don't you think? | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:35:38 PM |
He said he did want children 6 months ago, and now he has changed his mind! Hes actually older than me, he is 25.
The old joke about the the difference between a pregnant lady and a light-bulb is you can unscrew a light-bulb.
It's a bit late for this bloke to suddenly develop a case of 'buyer's remorse'. Whether he likes it or not he is about to become a father and needs to take responsibilty for that.
Hes actually older than me, he is 25.
He's not acting like it. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:35:56 PM | 
Naw, we don't always stick together. I'm with you. He doesn't necessarily have to live with the mother, but he can certainly assist financially in the upbringing of HIS baby. Otherwise, the rest of the taxpayers will probably have to pick up the tab. More importantly, if you start assuming, in your 20s, that it's OK to run away from responsibility, that's not a healthy moral base to carry on through life.
And we wonder why Bernie Madoff thought it was OK to steal from millions? | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:41:12 PM |
He took the easy way out
Perhaps.
I don't know the man in question, but I suspect this is an extraordinarily fearful and confusing time for him and he is writhing in pain.
Sometimes what looks like the easy way out on the surface isn't so easy to live with. Sometimes when we are so fearful that the only solution seems to be to run and get away, we don't realize that we are going to take ourselves and our demons with us.
One thing is for sure, he's meeting who he is. I don't imagine he much likes the view. It'll be life altering no matter which way he ultimately chooses to resolve this.
As for the OP, yes, she feels she has been dumped in it and left all alone with it. She doesn't have the luxury of walking away from her situation. She has no choice. In the face of no choice, I hope she chooses to focus on what needs to be done right now, and doesn't get overwhelmed with her own fear.
^^ There is a distinction there I hope the OP can get. One can either be the victim of the circumstance in our lives (the 'no choice' bit) or one can choose to rise up and meet the challenges. | |
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| My life has been turned upside down!
Posted: 11/17/2009 8:04:48 AM | Of course it might be hard going suddenly having another soul to take care of but the first time the baby smiles at you it will make it all worthwhile. He is in all probability like a frightened rabbit - A common thing among young men (having been there myself) but he might pull his head out quickly and get back on track. Explain to him that he had made a 18 year commitment either way if he likes it or not. It's not like backing out of a car deal. If he doesn't come around consider the baby a gift.
Blessings and Best of luck  | |
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