| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:20:12 PM | I don't teach my son that people don't lie. I just avoid lying to him. I also tell him that Christmas isn't Jesus' birthday. Yeah, I know that centuries ago, there was a Turkish guy who gave presents. But no one talks about St. Nicholas anymore, which is a shame. It's all about Santa and marketing.
Everyone has different beliefs and are allowed to teach their children whatever they see fit. That said, you (generally speaking) as a parent have a lot of power to shape the beliefs of your child by what you believe in as wackadoodle or not it might be....though be careful with that power.
Information about many different types of beliefs, celebrations, etc. allows children to be more well rounded and tolerant of others beliefs. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:25:29 PM |
Information about many different types of beliefs, celebrations, etc. allows children to be more well rounded and tolerant of others beliefs. This is true... and Christmas is only commercialized for the people that make it so...
My children have helped me make gifts over the years for the people we love and cherish. I've taught them that giving of oneself is more valuable than buying a trinket in a store... so they've helped me make quilts, jams, cookies and cakes as well as many other decorative items that grace the homes of my relatives.
There is nothing like receiving a basket of home made soaps and bath soaks as a gift...
I should get back to my knitting for this year's gift giving...  | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:16:03 PM | I'm not even going to begin to get into the "What, why's and/or if's he can afford" aspect/issues of your post, nor the realm of religious beliefs/parental responsibilities/traditions and whatever else that this thread has veered off into, OP.
I'm merely posting, only to state, that when I read your opening post:
"Agree to $100 per child" does read like you meant "$100 total per child" = a total to be split between the two of you = $50 you, $50 him -- as opposed to what would have been the the clearer statement of , "Agree to spend $100 each, per child" would have been.
If you two decide to continue this tradition for future Christmas's, simply make sure to clearly state "each" after the dollar amount, and before "per child", in your financial proposal(s). | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:30:29 PM | Santa is bringing me something early this year-------a final divorce decree. Weeeeeeeeee.....
My ex? Hopefully, Santa lands on him.
My children have lots of other family to be worried about what their father doesn't bring them.
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:49:52 PM |
How do you deal with these matters with your ex? Do you have any suggestions of how I should proceed?
That depends. How much is the life insurance policy you have on him worth? 
Seriously, it sounds like his word is not dependable. If you don't have in writing what he said he'd chip in, keep your agreement and get what you can and make it great for the kids. You can't force the dude to buy gifts, can you?
Maybe you can put a little extra focus on the Spirit of Christmas and a little less thought on the Stuff of Christmas. Crazy, right?
Then again, if today's children get $50 less spent on more things they don't need, use or appreciate, it will probably ruin them. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:13:44 PM | My opening statement:
We agreed to do the same this year, and I suggested $100 each per child for $200 total per kid (we have 3 kids) and my ex agreed
And then you said I wrote:
"Agree to $100 per child" does read like you meant "$100 total per child" = a total to be split between the two of you = $50 you, $50 him -- as opposed to what would have been the the clearer statement of , "Agree to spend $100 each, per child" would have been.
Maybe you and my ex-husband are related? Seems you can't read properly either. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:16:06 PM | Ok.. you messed up bigtime
He is getting re-married. SHE is gonna get his focus way before the kids.
Bartering a tradition by assigning $$$$ signs.. sheeesh
You said you have purchased HALF the gifts.. Ok.. stop purchasing any more. Unless YOU want to pay 100% of the cost.. and label them from you ONLY. Then the gifts from the TWO of you were split 50/50 solves that.
YOU, however are exhibiting quite the control-freak here.. Just look at it for a moment from a stranger's eyes..
YOU are doing all the shopping.. YOU want to get it done before end of November.. YOU want to keep this MATERIALISTIC "tradition" alive.
You are willing to create emnity and go to war over "Santa is VERY important in our family and traditions" I need to ask.. YOUR family.. or HIS family.. Or maybe it was something that he indulged you with.. but never really got into it.
Why did you two split up? If it had ANYTHING to do with money.. it would seem that MATERIALISTIC TRADITIONS at the holidays could be a reason you are an EX.
Do YOUR thing at christmas.. and let him and his new honey do theirs with the kids.. SEPARATE. Alternate christmas EVE and Christmas MORNING each year.. Then go live YOUR life and help your kids that When in ROME (of their dad's home, or a friends home or a jewish friends home) You do as the romans do (or the jews who dont celebrate christmas) | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:23:39 PM | 1kindMan4U, not even Christmas cant give you something positive to say?
She's trying to keep her family traditions for her kids. Why split that up if you dont have to and you can behave as adults and enjoy yourselves?
Materialistic isnt the word I would use when someone is doing Christmas gifts for 3 kids from 3 "people" for 600 bucks. At the price of things these days thats maybe 2 nice toys per kid and a couple of shirts. If theyre older (8+ ish) even less. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:32:59 PM | ^^^^^^^ 1kindman4u
An interesting point of view, and one for me to consider. My ex-DH is a wonderful guy, very kind and caring, and a very good father. What he is lacking is a considerable amount of common sense, which made living with him very difficult. After 10 years of marriage where I controlled all the finances, did the taxes, took care of the home and needs of the children, I guess I am in the habit of wanting to keep control of things like Christmas. The thing is, these arent things I ever wanted to be in charge of. I had to do it or it wouldn't get done, or would get done incorrectly. He never complained because in all honesty, it is very difficult for him to argue with me, as I run cirlces around him with quick words. I take full responsibility for this...I am not a ****, but became one when I married the wrong man. He is not a spineless idiot, but became one when he married me! We are both finding our footing as single people, since we married at 19 and 20 years old, this is new territory for all of us and I'm trying to make it work as best as I can. (to answer your question: I initiated the divorce because I was tired and sad about living with a man I wasn't even friends with. Our marriage was just a facade of the perfect family, and we really didn't even like each other! It only lasted 10 years because we were so busy having and raising kids and hardly spent any time together)
I spoke to him today, we had a great conversation where he explained how he felt, and we agreed to do completely separate Christmas gifts from now on. He has recently become engaged, and I think his fiance is wonderful, and she and I are working on forging a friendship because I think our communication styles might work a bit better together. I am also engaged to a fantastic man, and it has made my ex and I realize that we are both very good people, we just ended up making a bad choice (getting married because I was pregnant) which resulted in a marriage where we brought out the worst in each other. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:35:28 PM | Thanks Karmic!
I didn't want to get involved in defending my Christmas spending, because I'd never win that one!
Most of my friends spend about $500 per child on xmas, and I think $200 from Santa plus a $50 gift from me is VERY reasonable! We do try not to be too materialistic, and my kids don't get gifts or toys other than Christmas and birthdays, so I do think Christmas is a time to splurge a little bit! | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:36:28 PM | [Materialistic isnt the word I would use when someone is doing Christmas gifts for 3 kids from 3 "people" for 600 bucks. At the price of things these days thats maybe 2 nice toys per kid and a couple of shirts. If theyre older (8+ ish) even less.]
I was just thinking that myself! If we had agreed an ammount and he'd backed out after my half was spent then i'd be pretty pissed off. £50 (or $) is a lot of money in my eyes and if he can afford it, and agreed to it then he should stick to that! And KarmicEvolution is right that it doesn't stretch nearly as far as you would think it does!!
My ex and I are still having Christmas day together - I take my daughter to my mom's in the morning to see my family [the ex doesn't come because he's scared of my mom ;) ] and open her pressies with them and we have dinner there. Then in the afternoon we both go to see my ex and his side of the family as we are all really close still and we open our pressies there and have tea with them. It works for us so far, although this is only the second christmas so we'll have to see about next year. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:36:59 PM | Ummm.. no.. it's gifts from TWO people.. the new honey is NOT a wallet to expect money from for the first ex wife's tradition.
If it's a FAMILY tradition to make christmas a MATERIALISTIC holiday.. Ok.. I think it's a tradition for retailers.. for capitalistic sell sell sell.. buy buy buy america.. but "tradition" here is being misused.. big time.
Wait.. I know.. let's buy stuff on a credit card and then spend 30% interest on the way to bankruptcy for TRADITION.
sorry.. I cant say anything positive about sticking RIGIDLY to ONE person's way of doing something.. that creates CONFLICT with the other person
Especially when those two people just need to give the gift of LOVE to those 3 kids.
forget presents.. give love. It doesnt have a pricetag.. and it doesnt really cost anything
Her WHOLE post was over MONEY. I dont see the kids benefiting.. even if they spend 1000 each kid.. and I dont see them suffering if they dont spend a friggen dime either.. THAT was my issue.. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:41:37 PM |
forget presents.. give love. It doesnt have a pricetag.. and it doesnt really cost anything
My three kids are so loved by many people, most of all their Dad and me. We have behaved so well during our separation that we were invited to speak at a Parenting after Separation course. Everything we do is with the kids as our #1 priority.
They are loved, and they get Christmas presents too! Lucky kids, huh? | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:53:13 PM | Most of my friends spend about $500 per child on xmas, and I think $200 from Santa plus a $50 gift from me is VERY reasonable! We do try not to be too materialistic, and my kids don't get gifts or toys other than Christmas and birthdays, so I do think Christmas is a time to splurge a little bit!
1kindman4u... your last post you told her she should have separate celebrations and now youre saying she should just give them love. By having all of their family around them on Christmas day and not splitting it all up, I think that shows more love. Those of us who start shopping this early (or finish as I almost am) tend not to be the ones with big credit card bills and debt. My presents are all paid for in cash, and since she wanted his half to PAY for the rest of the gifts Im going to assume hers are as well. Just because you only own one bag, doesnt mean you can fit us all into it.
Growing up... we had to find a place to sit and 1 person would distribute the gifts because there wasnt enough room to move around once they were distributed, my family only had my aunt and uncle, grandparents, my mother, brother and I. This did not include the presents from Santa and my mum. We were retardedly spoiled and for the longest time when our family circumstances changed I thought Christmas seemed wrong without the piles of gifts.
We've scaled back a lot. My Aunt and Uncle moved away and stopped contacting us when my grandmother passed which changed a lot. They were the kind of people who wanted to show you how great they were by spending insane amounts of money. We havnt had a real Christmas since my Nana died... this will be our first and its really only because of my daughter.
I have watched flyers and sales to make our Christmas dollars stretch. I have come to the conclusion I would rather spend a couple hundred on gifts (Which as I said before really isnt that much) and spend the rest picking out shiney ornaments to decorate with, or craft kits that we can do together and get covered in glitter, or make donations at church bazaars and listen to carols and drink hot chocolate.
Like I said before, I think its amazing you guys have such a great relationship. I dont think youre spending too much and I really dont think a mis-communication is any reason to end a family tradition thats working for you as some have said. Splurge, enjoy the memories... your kids are going to look back and thank you for it. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:53:22 PM | | I dont have to deal. My ex, his wife and I are a team. Thier kids are mine and mine is thiers. I'm one of the lucky..it wasn't always this way, but you grow up, you get over it and for your kids safe and your maturity you move on. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:33:31 PM | "I don't teach my son that people don't lie. I just avoid lying to him. I also tell him that Christmas isn't Jesus' birthday. Yeah, I know that centuries ago, there was a Turkish guy who gave presents. But no one talks about St. Nicholas anymore, which is a shame. It's all about Santa and marketing."
Ugh. You're lying right now. How cute. People lie. Fact of life. Some lies don't hurt. Some lies result in good.
Plenty of people do talk about St. Nicholas and keep his sense of altruism alive. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:46:17 PM | 1kindman,
Who cares what YOU think about HER FAMILY tradition? You're not in her family. You don't know what her family is like. You do not know the tradition is only gift giving. You do not know there is no love there. I'm pretty sure she's not looking for you to tell her she should change her family tradition.
Personally, I give my son "materialistic" gifts because I DO love him. Because I DO want him to be happy. Because it makes ME happy to see his face when he does get something. So what if it costs money? Good. It stimulates the economy. It allows people to have and keep their jobs and perhaps pay to feed, clothe, provide shelter for, and maybe even give gifts to their children.
Yah, maybe my son doesn't HAVE to have any "materialistic" gifts. But does it HURT him? Heck freaking no.
Now move along. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:00:53 PM | I don't lie to my son about fictitious characters such as Santa, Frosty, Tooth fairy, "god" etc etc.
I don't want him to lie to me so I owe him the same.
Why is God in quotation marks and the Tooth Fairy isnt? If youre lumping them together as fictitious why make God stand out?
Honestly, this is why our kids are growing up so damn fast. Maybe if they got to believe in the Tooth Fairy until all their baby teeth fell out the world would be a better place. A little fantasy and imagination goes a long way for a child. Some of my best memories are of Santa coming to my door, the Easter Bunny at the mall, putting my teeth under my pillow and waking up so excited to see that she had come and I didnt turn into some crazy pathological liar nut job.
Im sorry to have hijacked your thread a bit here Chai, but day-um people. Its not like youre teaching them to believe in Charles Manson-Claus.
Just to satisfy my curiosity...
Do you celebrate Christmas? Because if you dont believe in God and you dont believe in Santa what are you celebrating? Pine Trees?
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:33:28 PM |
You choose to lie, I don't. "god" is in quotes to piss you off that your pie in the sky means zero zilch to billions of people.
I dont care what you choose to believe, and you certainly didnt piss me off. I study religion, you think I havnt run into an atheist or 100 in my life?
However I did notice you didnt answer my direct question. So you may not "lie" but you avoid instead. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:44:55 PM |
I don't lie to my son about fictitious characters such as Santa, Frosty, Tooth fairy, "god" etc etc.
Okay, for centuries upon centuries people have believed in some form of God or another. It is one of the defining characteristics of civilization. That and a written alphabet are the 2 biggest. People actually have a need to believe in something like this, to make living this life on Earth something worth while. For a lot of people it answers the question about why we are here. And I am not referring to any particular religion. This refers to all religion. It gives people a sense of inner peace.
As far as Santa, The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Great Pumpkin and all these other characters, I don't see anything wrong with teaching kids about them. Have you ever seen the excitement on a child's face when they wake up in the morning and get a quarter for one of their teeth? Or when they find that egg they colored specially for Easter Sunday? Or they see the cookies left for Santa have been eaten and the only left are crumbs? It's amazing to see their faces light up. There is nothing like that in the world.
Let them believe in the magic for a while. Let them keep their innocence for a little longer. Because as soon as they learn Santa isn't real that starts to go away. Before long they are going to be asking the really hard questions about sex and boys/girls. And then that's it, they aren't the innocent angels we are so used to anymore. I think that is part of of what's wrong today. Everyone lost their innocence so young and now we are all so cynical.
Me, I keep looking for my pet unicorn....... | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:45:20 PM | | What I have done with my little one is out of the ordinary. I am always on a tight budget and have the belief that Christmas is way to materialized. Her father does what he wants. He has her every Chistmas morning because she has a sister there to enjoy it with instead of just me and her. He is in charge of the santa gift. If she was with me I would be in charge of the santa gift. Although, one year I did buy the santa gift becasue I found it on sale. She has learned santa only visits one home. He does what he wants or can and I do the same. My children have always recieved only 3 gifts from mom. A game or fun activity, one outfit, and somthing they need. After all they have so many others buying them gifts it can get a little rediculous. For me it is not about gifts as much as the company kept and the orginal reason for Christmas. Jesus is the reason for the season. In society today it has become so comercialized it is a money maker and creates all kinds of grief, selfishness ects. Last year we decided on no gift exchange in the family and used our money to adopt a family for Christmas that had suffered a recent job loss. In fact is was a single Dad with a broken heart he could not get his daughter clothes she so desperatly needed. This is my view on how to handle Christmas. Material items are not worth fighting over or money. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:14:20 PM | Why are you combining things with your ex? You are divorced if you two could get along together you would still be married. Do things separate dont try to do things together with your ex and b*tch when it doesn't work out or you have to take on an unfair burden. What do you expect?
1kindman says not to spend $$$ on presents and give love but to me he seems like the kind of guy who would think nothing of dropping thousands of $$$ on attorneys to make his ex's life hell in court. How much have you spent on legal fees 1kindman? $70,000-100,00+?? How much money have you spent on court whores? You are a very overly litigious person. The way you write your posts is highly confrontational and arguementative. I can tell you have spent waaaaayy to much time in court. You sound like one of those nasty money grubbing court whore attorneys. I guess you cant make your ex's life hell anymore because you drove her to the looney bin so you come on here with your nastiness.
1kindman---LISTEN to what I have to SAY. I'm CAPITALIZING everyother word so you can HEAR me and LISTEN to my advice.....
I have been SINGLE for years and go on a FREE dating site to hook up with women BECAUSE I had a NASTY divorce years and years ago and SPENT tens of thousands of $$$$ in COURT fighting my ex over MY KIDS but I will come HERE and tell GIVE you relationship advice!!!!!
Why does single guy with a history of having a failed marriage and who blew massive $$$$$$ in a nasty custody battle getting his kids taken away from thier mother come on and tell people how deal with thier relationship issues. He is single in his 50's on a cheapo dating site telling people how to deal with relationships? I know people his age who have been happily married for 20 years if I wanted relationship advice I would ask them. | |
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