| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:16:53 PM | ^^^^^^^ Very good point. As I've said before on this thread, I had not seen this as a control situation, and as I am not generally a controlling person, I had to step back and look at why I wanted to be in charge of this situation. (I've now realized it's because I don't like the way he celebrated Xmas as a kid, and I wanted the kids to have MY kind of Christmas, and I've totally come to terms with the fact that we are divorced, and the kids now have two families, and will have two types of celebrating)
As far as the quick engagements, I am as suprised as anyone! There was no need to heal after our divorce or find ourselves, we had essentially been nothing but roommates for so long the actual split was freeing, and more like a weight lifted off us than anything to grieve. We've both been through counselling. We are good people, just not good together. We split in April, I met my partner online in June and he proposed to me this April (I thought it was a bit fast) and we're getting married in Feb. My ex met his partner here on POF in December, proposed to her two weeks ago and they will get married next Oct. We are both so happy for each other, and our friends and family are happy that we've found the right one after such a short time. We figure we deserve it after trying so hard to keep a family together for 10 years that was doomed from the very start. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:25:02 PM | Ya know luv2drink.. If you end up working it all out.. good for you. If you and your ex, along with both of your new mates become friends and can gather regularly.. Even BETTER for you.. but especially BEST for your kids.
Set that as a goal.. let go of all the rest of the crap.. It IS the kids, ya know.
Now to all the rest of the peanut gallery.. I had a moment to address some of you
Karmic 1st comment.
If you look back at what I wrote.. I pointed out the MIScommunication AND what appeared to be quite the "CONTROL" issue by the OP. Her later comments STILL referred to CONTROLLING things..
CONTROLLED ALL THE FINANCES
"I am in the habit of wanting to KEEP CONTROL of things like christmas"
"It wouldnt get done or done INCORRECTLY" "I run circles around him with quick words"
"I'm not a biotch.. but became one"
"Since we married at 19" (Wait, that's not a control issue.. but sure makes a statement)
Karmic 2nd comment
Yes.. separate celebrations so she wont try to exert CONTROL over her ex.. and then be unhappy posting on a forum when he doesnt go along with it. This was a comment again about her CONTROL stuff.
SHE has made.. and so many of you KEEP making a rationalization comment about the amount of $$$$ being spent.. as REASONABLE.. as JUSTIFIED.. as if some multiple 100 amount is NECESSARY to show kids christmas.
Here's an idea.. Tell them.. THIS year.. with all the homeless and destitute people, we are limiting each of you to ONE gift of minimal value. We will take the rest of the money we'd normally spend.. and go buy a bunch of CLOTHES and a few really cheap swapmeet toys to take to a "Battered Women's Shelter" to give to some really unfortunate family that is hanging on by emotional fingernails.. THAT, kids.. will be our christmas. Let's see.. 3 kids.. $33 each and spend the OTHER 500 on DOING A KINDNESS..
Wonder what THAT would teach the kids??
Lansmom
SHE must care because she PUT HER STUFF OUT ON A PUBLIC FORUM. That INVITED my opinion.. Hello? She was obviously looking for SOMEBODY to say SOMETHING? Without her post, I have nothing to say.
Hpotter at first agrees with me about separate celebrations since the family unit is now separate
But THEN goes off on an attack with NO EVIDENCE of anything about me.. but STATES is as if the claims are things I'd do
UNPROVEN FACTS.. Or FACTLESS LIES
"You are very overly litigious person.. Oh? Show proof
You write your posts in a highly argumentitive and confrontational manner - Maybe.. Never knew there was some rule to ONLY agree with people.. To agree with some of the stupidity shown on here.. Didnt know I had to watch STUPID and not say a word.
I can tell you've spent WAAAAY too much time in court - Oh really? Show the proof
You sound like one of those nasty money-grubbing divorce attorneys. Seems YOU have been around them a lot more than me
Then the kicker:
"Why does single guy with a history of having a failed marriage and who blew massive $$$$$$ in a nasty custody battle getting his kids taken away from thier mother come on and tell people how deal with thier relationship issues. He is single in his 50's on a cheapo dating site telling people how to deal with relationships? I know people his age who have been happily married for 20 years if I wanted relationship advice I would ask them."
Nowhere does it say massive amounts of money were blown on anything.
I AM on this site.. As are YOU.. So.. your point is?
Was there a question?
Ok.. so as I read through the rest of the comments
Freetime and Yabba saw all the control factors coming through too.
So to those that are COMPELLED to follow me around the forum and comment on MY comments.. your fanclub dues are in arrears. Pay up or STFU.
The above message was approved by 1kindman4u. Dont forget to vote next tuesday. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:17:50 PM |
Nowhere does it say massive amounts of money were blown on anything.
YAWN.... I remember reading one of your posts where some woman you were dating didnt like the fact that you had kids and said "you have done enough to raise your kids you should give them back and you said not after I spent "tens of thousands getting them taken away from thier crazy mother".
So you have spent "tens of thousands" on nasty bitter custody battle with your ex. thats massive ok
You are a highly overly litigious person. You said you have spent tens of thousands of $$$ on attorneys and have probably spent countless hours in court and preparing for your court cases. You sound just like a nasty court whore money grubbing lawyer in your posts.
Your ex couldnt have been that bad if you had to spend tens of thousands of $$$$ on lawyers to get custody and you dont seem like the kind of guy that would marry and have children with a severly mentally ill woman. Seems like you just had more money than your ex and you wore her out psychologically and destroyed her sanity with your relentless court abuse. In another one of your posts you said that one of your kids has to take time out of his life plan to find a care home for your ex wife to live in due to her mental illness. Are you happy that you destroyed the mother of your children so that now your children are burdened with having to care for her?
Your user name should be 1Abusivemanforyou | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:33:34 PM | Will the children be happy when they get these presents?
If so, thats all that matters.
By nickel and diming with your ex, you are denigrating the very meaning of the holiday season.
Gifts are not the only reason for holidays.
To simplify things, you buy your gifts, he buys his. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/9/2009 3:58:13 PM | The kids are with me Christmas day so I always paid for the Santa gifts, wrapped and put them under the tree. X would buy presents also. My kids asked me once why I didn't get them any presents for Christmas and I said Mom was in charge of food, shelter and clothing. This past year my kids found out the truth about Santa. They both looked at me and said so MOM you bought all those presents???? I busted out laughing....Yes and I also ate the Chrismas cookies that you left for Santa also....
Make your life easy and buy the gifts. It will be much more peaceful that way. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:35:37 PM | My kids are with me this Christmas and he has them the next day on Boxing Day when he repeats Christmas Day.
I tried to get us to have a "united" Christmas this year as we've done previously (only been divorced for two years) and he declined this year so I wasn't very happy. The day is not about me or him but I was hoping he could put whatever behind him and make a nice day of it for the kids.
I'm learning slowly that you never know what to expect from your ex.................be afraid, be very afraid  | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/10/2009 12:13:35 AM | sheesh spicy
how about put your level of expectations to what his past behavior would cause you to REASONABLY expect his future behavior to match..
Now.. that is ONLY past behavior post divorce.. since a married man exhibits behaviors towards his INTACT family differently than once he is divorced.
Or how about this.. LOWER your expectations to NOTHING.. then ANYTHING you get favorably will be like a surprise gift.
However.. IF you are acting towards him with unreasonable expectations.. or showing some bitterness or cattiness in conversation.. OR if you are still fighting from a hurt feeling place and baring your teeth like some wounded kitty
Dont be surprised if he doesnt lay down HIS divorce battle armor.. to risk getting MORE of the scorn of that scorned woman.
You tried.. he declined. YOU chose to be UNHAPPY about it. Seems YOU have the issue.
It can STILL be a "nice" day for the kids.. Come up with a plan for separate celebrations.. YOU with the kids.. HIM with the kids.. Kids will get love and presents from each of you.
Make the first gift one of CIVILITY TOWARDS HIM in working out the sharing of the day. THAT will be the best present you can give your kids. Be civil.. no matter HOW he is. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/13/2009 6:39:06 AM |
You said you have purchased HALF the gifts.. Ok.. stop purchasing any more. Unless YOU want to pay 100% of the cost.. and label them from you ONLY. Then the gifts from the TWO of you were split 50/50 solves that.
YOU, however are exhibiting quite the control-freak here.. Just look at it for a moment from a stranger's eyes..
YOU are doing all the shopping.. YOU want to get it done before end of November.. YOU want to keep this MATERIALISTIC "tradition" alive.
You are willing to create emnity and go to war over "Santa is VERY important in our family and traditions" I need to ask.. YOUR family.. or HIS family.. Or maybe it was something that he indulged you with.. but never really got into it.
When I read the^^^^^ from 1kindman4u ..... I thought "bingo" (as these were my thought also) and knew he'd get a rash of posts declaring him to be a  so I waited in anticipation for his response. As expected.......as he is very level headed he didn't let me down.......I suspect he is a very successful parent........wish more would listen.....
To: 1kindman4u.......my hat is off to you Sir.......
hob | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/13/2009 6:44:26 AM | | I have always been "Santa" since we split eight years ago. Received no additional monetary support from ex. Starting this year, things will be changing around Christmas and New Years with regards to access. I will still not be receiving additional financial contributions from the ex. I don't expect it either, just as I haven't expected it in the past. The children have known "the truth" about Santa for a couple of years. I've been okay with things the way they are. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:05:27 PM | ^^^^ To Hob and 1kindman4u and all the others who have blasted me for my controlling behavior, please let me know what divorce school you went to, because I haven't taken the classes, and don't always know exactly how to behave in every situation. We've been split up for 18 months now, and honestly, I am flying by the seat of my pants most of the time. Our divorce is very amicable, and I have no other friends or family who have gone through a friendly divorce, so I don't know where to turn for advice.
At first I felt like I was some sort of horrible woman after reading your responses, but I did learn from them, and now know how to better work within a divorced relationship. People say marriage takes work, but co-parenting with an ex takes work too! I do appreciate all the answers, even the negative ones; they all helped me re-examine my behavior and adjust accordingly.
I also know it's so much fun to be mean spirited and lash out with ALL CAPS to get your POINT across like we forum members are COMPLETE idiots, but could you please remember that we are people too? 1kindman4u, I think you're a very intelligent man (I've really liked your stance on breastfeeding) but some of your good advice gets lost in the harsh delivery. I'd really like to learn more from you, but it's hard when you come accross so hostile and judgemental. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/14/2009 10:28:17 AM | I'd be more than happy to discuss things with you. I think that direct email might be a better way to go since as you can see, many people attack the messenger and dont/wont even address the message. Email me if you'd like. I have some personal experience with EX's and the challenges in getting along.. as well as gave classes to the entire client load of a very active divorce attorney for several years on "Theory vs Practice of Co-Parenting When the Marriage Has Gone South"
Regarding "coming across hostile and judgemental" Let me say this.
In communication, there is the message given, and the message received. For example, picture a class of 50 students with ONE professor. He gives lectures on information known to him.. and from his perspective, using his own language skills, knowledge and his approach.
10 students get A's and RAVE about him as a great communicator as well as being friendly, helpful and just an all around great teacher
10 get B's where 2 of them rave like the 10 above.. and the other 8 are somewhat enthused about him
10 get C's where they are just sort of non-commital, blase and have no opinion about the teacher
10 get D's and grouse a little, but also seem to keep a D average in ALL their classes
And 10 get F's. THEY rail on negatively about how harsh, demanding (you know, homework) and how much a general A-hole the professor is.
When you look at the group overall.. It's the SAME professor in the SAME class lecturing and teaching the SAME information to all 50.
How can ONE guy go from being so WONDERFUL to some.. to a complete A-hole to the others.
Seems the ONE guy is the consistent one.. and no LESS worthy of the praise of the first 20.. just because the last 20 "dont get it, and frankly dont WANT to get it"
SAME teaching skills.. SAME message.. but it appears that SOME of those out there have listening and comprehension problems.
Of course.. the story above would SEEM to make me judgemental about the bottom 20 now wouldnt it? | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:49:17 PM | Wow no Santa Claus ...Who woulda thunk it. Lighten up a bit man.. The life these kids are going to have to lead when they are older will be hard enough let them enjoy the magic of the season where it truly is better to give than to recieve. As far as Santa Claus goes yes it truly is the spirit of christmas that counts, the marketing conspiracy is in your mind not those of us who truly understand the time of year where we give gifts because we want to not because were sold the idea we have to.
OT I am not going to take anyones side in thsi debate other than your kids in this thread. I understand your tradition and think that if it works well for you then keep it up but you seem to have hit a snag and no matter who misunderstood what you probably need to adjust your tradition to suit the new situation that your all in.
I know after my parents divorced we had christmas eve with dad and christmas morning with mom and then we would go off to see grandparents. You know to this day ( other than the grandparents have all passed) it is still how we do christmas and now that is our tradition and it works well.
My own situation with my kids ( well the youngest anyway) is that Santa Claus visits all the houses all over the world bringing his gifts ..So whos to say he cant stop at both of your places to leave gifts? He leaves gifts for my kids at my moms and my dads and at his moms and his dads. Do you see a pattern evolving here ?
Your tradition of living together has changed and probably best if others follow suit so that you avoid the situation your in now. Best of luck to you.
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:07:06 AM | thats awesome! sounds like something that would be said in my house! lol the last couple years ive made sure to ween my kids off the commercialism of christmas, and have told them santa only brings 1 present, its finally catching on, this year my 8 yo son is reminding my 5yo daughter, and she says oh ya,
i am a single mom, and university student and hate the thought of wasting money on toys or whatever that i end up donating come summer anyways,
so the past couple years ive tried to start a new tradition of taking them somewhere instead, like a snow boarding retreat, this year we are going to victoria,
my daughter asks weeks ago over dinner "what if santa doesnt find us" and i asked my son "ya what if he doesnt find us" and he replied ......"then itll be the worst holiday ever!!!" i snorted milk out my nose and laughed to myself. (looks like he may need some more reminding before christmas comes lol)
but at least it is only 1 present they will expect, and hopefully it will be the memories that are remembered, not the 1 gift! id rather spend money on a special holiday, since christmas is a full time mother/students' ONLY time off in a year
the ex can do whatever he wants, i give up trying to co-ordinate, cause it goes in and out, i do what i want, and the kids are lucky and grateful if there are more gifts, but are learning not to expect , we will be doing some volunteer stuff and sending christmas parcels overseas to less fortuneate  | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/17/2009 11:23:02 AM | I'm so thankful that my kids are too old for "Santa", but he still seems to bring them a gift every year (usually the "family gift", like a new TV or video game that we share).
My youngest's dad gets him on Xmas Day, & I get him on the Eve every year (this is because his stepmom has a HUGE family get together, and my family seems to get tinier every year!) I usually spend a little more on my oldest, since his dad isn't in the picture and the youngest gets spoiled rotten by his.
I like the idea that one of the posters had about telling the kids Santa will stop at mom's AND at dad's house. You should buy your kids gifts from you and Santa and make your EX do his own dang shopping! | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/17/2009 12:23:09 PM | Christmas is difficult for us financially....two of the children have birthdays the last week of December and it adds up.
the focus for Christmas for me has always been the emphasis of time well spent together.
it's not about the gifts....although they do love the gifts.... I try to treat them yearound...and make the gift giving thing really take a backseat during Christmas.
I am flexible with visitation...it's not a competition .... my kids have plenty of the necessities....and get nice gifts from my parents....they go for quality not quantity... again...we try not to focus on the gifts and the monetary value or popularity or what their peers are getting or going for the holidays.
you have already shopped wisely...purchased the gifts... so.... your choice I guess...take them back if you can or suck it up.... take the hit on your wallet and lesson be learned for next birthday or Christmas. I hear you about the costs.... I have 3 kids too.
I am a thrifty bargain hunter for gifts.... I've had lots of practice. | |
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| Christmas is coming - how do you deal with Santa and your ex?
Posted: 11/17/2009 2:55:29 PM | Given that we always alternated Christmas, the one that had the girls was the one that was "Santa" and therefore responsible for any costs. I learned early to explain that Santa needed lots of room on his sleigh for the presents for ALL the kids in the world, so they'd see maybe 3-4 things (one semi-pricey and the rest small).. at most. Worked great.  | |
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