| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:00:48 PM | OP I too want to congratulate you for at least being conscious of your actions and how they are working against yourself and your relationship being all that it could be.
Eventually if you keep seeking along this path you will find ways of being that will allow you to express your needs and points of view without attacking the other in a way that makes them feel unsafe or distrustful, so well done thus far!
As an emergency stop gap until you find ways to maintain respectful boundaries even under stress, may I suggest that you discuss with your partner that you realise this is what happens and that you don't like it in yourself or its impact on her
- and that it is your ego and pain body and survival self kicking in in response to an imagined threat, and
negotiate and agree that when you start to feel under pressure and unable to relate respectfully that you will stop yourself and pause and reflect.
Ask for her to assist you with this - not to push you to respond when you are not in the right frame of mind.
Use a safe word - it can be as calm and honest as - 'I will have to think about this'.
This will signal to her that it is important to you, but that you cannot respond right now. To continue to build trust though you must think about it and you must come back and respond when you are calm and have considered the issue and it is also helpful if what you have thought about also leads to positive action if that is required.
Ask her to become aware of when it is happening if you are not conscious and use a safe word herself - maybe - can we stop now and can you please take time to think about it.
That is the same request as the one you would use if you were conscious. Again to build trust on this please don't ignore the importance of it as a safe word - respect it as you would want her to respect yours.
This from both of you will say this issue is important to me but I don't have the answers about how I really feel yet.
Randomly a good book that discusses these ego/trust/other interactions issues and how to catch yourself in action is Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth, but there are plenty of good relating books around, and I also agree counselling with the right counsellor can be very worthwhile.
I wish you both the best in your journey. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:34:59 PM | The first step towards change is recognition that change is desired, or necessary.
You've already taken that first step, so you're already on your way.
Some good advice, here.
I'd just like to add a simple recommendation. Try visualising that everything you say and do in the relationship is being videotaped and you will be viewing your actions at a later time, with (insert harshest critic) sitting next to you. Keep this thought at all times. With practise, it becomes very easy. Use it to keep your negative actions and speech in check.
I did it consistantly, and think back to my behaviour and I feel that I handled things very well during the heated moments that always arise in a marriage. I wasn't perfect, of course, but my actions leave little for me to feel ashamed of. We were married for 27 years.
I left her because I became convinced she didn't love me, in site of her words.
We're still friendly today, but only because I've chosen to keep the videotape rolling, even now.
Her...not so much. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:00:55 PM |
not thinking about her and only thinking about myself and my own self preservation.
Wow..................That's just SO selfish.....
Im the EXACT opposite,in that if im going through a rocky patch,i think about my partner even more............................!!!!!!
But,i see youre 'only' 24 and,imo,nowhere near ready for marrige.
So,Op,put your ego aside,step up to the plate and accept some responsibilty,ok?
If you truly love and care about your girlfriend,you'll want to get things back on track asap......jmo! | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:49:05 PM | i think you should tell her what you just us!! that you realise and instantly recognise your mistakes and are trying to take responsibility of your actions... and that you are actively wanting/trying to change for her to become a better partner but at the same time you may need her help and patience to achieve this goal...
good luck.. all the best =) | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:46:41 PM | Since were self preserving beings. Maybe looking at it as the success of the relationship with her is to mentally put yourself in her shoes, what she is feeling and how she sees how you behave and react to what she needs in the relationship.
Then adjust yourself accordingly | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:30:45 AM | | Oh, to be young again...NO THANKS! It's nice that you're altruistic and all, but don't be a sucker! These broads today want to be spoiled brats like when they were growing up, and alas, they never grow up. Is everybody a debutante? God, I hope not. We're doomed. My son says he's not old enough yet (he's 18), but when he's 25 or so, he's going for the cougar. I died laughing, but young broads are spoiled AND crazy. Good luck! Love, Titus | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:25:10 AM | | She needs to learn to stop "losing it" when she argues and you need to do the same. Losing it and anger will ruin a relationship. Instead of getting mad go write it down on paper so she can see how she is saying it and then let you read it. Then you write down your response so you can see what you are saying , then you talk. Words are hard to take back once said so if you write it down it will come out different and maybe you can fix the problem instead of both people withdrawing from each other. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:45:26 PM | I don't know, I feel like the OP's post is a little short on information to really give solid advice. I saw key phrases like "walk away" and "she loses trust when we argue."
Here's the deal... I can't actually tell if you're being selfish and only trying to look out for yourself, and your gf is tired of it. Or, if you're trying to talk time to yourself to straighten your mind out before coming back and dealing with the problem, and she's taking it personally because she thinks you're ignoring her.
I know that when I'm upset, a lot of times, I have to walk it off, cool myself down, and get my mind right so I can discuss a problem without blowing my lid and making things even worse. Some people see the "walking away" part and think I'm just ignoring them, which isn't the case. On the other hand, if you're blatantly trying to avoid the issue and just trying to keep yourself sane, completely ignoring how your gf feels, then yes, you two need to seek counseling. | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:16:43 PM | OP,
There is a name for your behavior and it is called narcissism. As a psychological diagnosis it is much more than just being selfish. If your goal is to show selfless love you have a long way to go . Professionals have reported that these types of personalities are very resistant to change.
Couples counseling is putting the cart before the horse. You need to get some professional help/therapy for YOU. ....to take responsibility for your actions, not expecting others like your girlfriend to just "deal with it" when you should"deal with it", to stop manipulating others for your own gain, to understand the world doesn't revolve around you and to learn empathy for others....
You might want to start by being honest about your marital status.
I'm sure you have some very good qualities.....
I wish you luck | |
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| Showing selfless love at all times in a relationship
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:00:31 PM | Well first off you shouldnt just say "I have an ego" that is spiritual clap trap. See exactly what you have, and how you feel so you actually begin to investigate your emotions and thoughts.
Well and take action as well, action seems unimportant to men who want it figured out however women like mens actions, they somehow fix everything when you've got that edge of 'might lose the relationship'.
A good start is to assume that everything she says is right, how can a woman be wrong? She is just representing the emotions which are present. So she is always right. Women are always right. So you just have to act on that and in this respect your action doesnt have to be perfect.
Thats a good one though, the woman is always right | |
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