| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:30:28 PM | Hi. Without knowing either you or this guy, it’s an impossible question for anybody to answer with absolute authority. All you gonna get off people is speculation and opinion and an excuse for people to put there sometimes aggressive two-cents worth in (which I definitely see happening and you sure are getting pushed around a bit in all this controversy you caused, hey?
You say you have had conversations with the guy where you both imagine each other getting married later on in life…tell us more about these conversations…does he talk about the prospect of marriage in a way that makes you feel that he really means it, or is he just indulging you? Later you state that when u try to find out what he really wants, he avoids/ignores or changes the subject. It looks like you are being honest with your emotions whereas he lacks that maturity. Trust your feelings and know that it is ok to feel anger – he’s not playing fair – he got you at a vulnerable young age and you’ve been emotionally dependant on him ever since – he should take some responsibility for that – and tell him if he is a good friend then he will tell you what he expects from this relationship – he should let you know where you stand – otherwise he’s just using you. So take control of the situation – if he’s gonna be a little boy and avoid real issues then you know that really YOU got the power and you can take him to task. Tell him he’s not gonna run away from the issue anymore, tell him what you want from this relationship – and if he can’t reply honestly and to your satisfaction – then you could try denying him sex, or if that’s difficult for you, just do his head in by proving to him that you are actually more mature than he is because you have no problem expressing your emotions, your wants and needs. Maybe get some space away from him and build up your inner strength – get some detachment. None of us can possibly tell you what he wants – I think you gonna have to either encourage or drag it out of him one way or another…or leave him for some nice guy who wants the same thing you do. I really think that if you get some space and tell yourself it’s ok to feel whatever it is you feel when you face this guy – then you will find the right moment to confront him and you will know exactly what to say…if it still matters to you. Hope I helped a little bit…lol | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:52:58 PM | Since you've deleted your profile, I'm not reading past the first page... but.... just in case you're still lurking:
Let's play "What's Wrong With This Picture?", with an excerpt from your own opening post, ok, OP??
Throughout the 7 years I have been 2 long term relationships, and me and my neighbour always ended up seeing each other again on and off. We are good friends and connect on so many levels. We've had some conversations about how we will prob end up with each other and married later on in life/in the end. Although he's not really looking for anything long term right now, and doesn't really believe in the traditional marriage ceremonies and doesn't want children, and i do. i'm 22 years old right now, and hes 29.
That help any?? 
** Doubts it..  ** | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:54:30 AM | Hmmm...It sounds like you are on your way to getting your heart broken. If he's avoiding the subject it means he's not interested in being in a serious relationship with you. For him the situation is really all about the sex.
Since it sounds like you want more, the best advice I can give is to leave him alone. If you remain friends you'll always end up sleeping with him, which will keep you wanting to be his gf. Not a good place to be considering the facts you've presented.
FYI: Generally (though many women try), you can't f**k your way into a relationship with a man. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:05:28 AM | | Ladies, lets just remember that the female component of a FWB relationship is not being used and abused, as you all seem to put it. These all seem to take the same flow. I joined the forums yesterday, and three of these came up. Log on today, and what's the first post - this. It's always the woman in a FWB situation that wants to escalate later, and the man usually doesn't. This is no reason to "GUY BASH". It's a FWB relationship which is saving her money on her vibrator batteries. Women are just as active participants in a FWB as the man - so lets stop this crap. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:06:21 AM | I know the Op has deleted her account, but I found the little hints she gave about her experiences and psychology fascinating. I also found it interesting that she chose the name Lolita. Maybe her experiences with her much older neighbour as a child affected her more than she let on and she identified with the literary Lolita. I think her attachment to this man was forged strongly through the very inappropriate sexual relationship with her 22 year old neighbour. She can't let go of this man - that she knows this relationship is not healthy for her, but she is bound to him. I think he held power over her as a child, and he continues to hold power over her now. It's sad and I hope she gets help.
Ah well, that's enough armchair psychologist for now. Cheers! | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:37:50 AM |
whats does he really want from me?
Exactly what he has been getting for several years, namely sex without any form of commitment. Yes, I know the OP is gone already, but it never hurts for others that might read. While I agree that this man had an inappropriate sexual relationship with her when she was a teenager, she is now an adult, responsible for her own actions and self-described as successful, with a college degree and a decent job. There is a fine line of distinction between fvck buddies and friends with benefits, but in either case there are boundary lines, and she is violating rule #1 of such a situation, falling for her friend. If she wants more than he is willing or capable of giving, she needs to close the door on this situation once and for all. Since he is a neighbor, maybe she should look into moving from her parent's house and getting her own place, where she can get on with her life and not see him so often. If she gets herself a life without him she might be surprised how quickly her attachment for him fades. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:36:36 PM | If he wants to be with you, really with you, he'll tell you, and you'll both make it happen together.
Take free advice for what it's worth, but make the break, avoid seeing him as much as you can avoid a neighbor, and move on. *Especially* avoid the thought.. "well, if I leave him and he comes and says he wants me back.. that'll be great." You've changed alot from 15 to 22, and you're going to change a lot more from 22-29. Assert yourself and figure out what you really want now, and over that time.
It might feel like you want this, but I suspect, if you're truly honest with yourself, you don't. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:02:15 PM |
he's not really looking for anything long term right now, and doesn't really believe in the traditional marriage ceremonies and doesn't want children, and i do.
That right there should tell you what he is really after.
Poke some holes in the next condoms until you get pregnant..
Are you kidding me 1 kind man??? Are you serious??? Yes it HAS been done and yes, that HAS happened with bad results. - Sure......men will tell us women anything and everything to get us into bed under "normal circumstances" but the majority will run like hell and disappear when we turn up pregnant.
Which is exactly what the OP's FWB would do if that were to happen to her, because he has made it abundantly clear he doesn't want that. THEN she will get stuck raising this child all alone and guess what??? We will end up paying for it in the form of welfare and food stamps. - Basically, rewarding the irresponsibility.
Our relationship is pretty complicated and I'd say our relationship is that of a "f*** buddy/friend" type ... it kills me because i love and care for him deeply, and i can never find the right words and find out what he really wants, he always ends up avoiding/ignoring or changing the subject. i just live in the moment and cherish my time with him, even if i know nothing may happen in the future.
It isn't that complicated or difficult to figure out. You are nothing more than a convenience to him. - A soft place to land and yes, get laid. Nothing more and nothing less. It's the typical FWB situation where one wants more than that and the other "likes things the way they are" and doesn't want anything further. You can bang your head against the wall, try to convince him "you are the one", get water from the moon, or better yet, prove the moon is made of swiss cheese, etc and it won't make a dime's worth of difference to him.
He has made it clear he doesn't want marriage or kids and you do. So what you need to do is STOP  allowing him to use you and go find someone who shares what you want out of life.
NO CONTACT. Do NOT go running him, and do NOT answer the phone when he calls or texts you. - better yet, change your number, block all emails and correspondence and lose this loser.
When you figure out you deserve better, you will find it. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:18:53 PM | Sweetie if you truley Love him and I know you do Let Go . Honestly ok Ignore him and No contact past hello . HE WILL Come back to you crawling I dnt know what you look like or what he does but i know from personal exsperiance shed 20 lbs ignore all men anf concentrate on what you want NOT HIM - hell he will be back i promis u that .. act happy smile run dance and stay ****in busy and away from him 2 - 3 mths he will try and you must be busy i dnt care if u lock yourself in the bathroom and cry yr heart out sweetie do it plus a good cry sometimes helps .
I just did it and beleve me hes a changed man He has never been happier to see me and well sex was always the best hes changed he miised ME FOR ME and he came to me . and he wants to see me everyday its not perfect but you know what I love him and its nice to know he relized he does love me as Im sure this man will and if not your bettet off and Love yourself in what ever terms u want to take that . Theres only one life Live it . YOU are important babydoll LOVE WILL Come to you ... dnt let anyone tell you different ... | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:43:22 PM | Round 2 of "What's Wrong With This Picture" :
it kills me because i love and care for him deeply, and i can never find the right words and find out what he really wants, (BUT) he always ends up avoiding/ignoring or changing the subject. i just live in the moment and cherish my time with him, even if i know nothing may happen in the future.
^^^^ Exactly why 99% of FWB's, crash and burn.
Go ahead. Keep telling yourself that a 22 yr old guy that seduced, and had sex with his CHILD neighbor, is a stellar specimen of a MAN.
*** WHY haven't her parents locked this guy up???  ***
Pick up whatever shreds of your self-esteem that are left from this wreck, and walk away from the crash site. STAY away from the crash site.
Then? Get, and keep busy, licking your wounds while gluing the shreds back together -- then, building UP, your self esteem.
Never gonna find "the one" for you, unless you do. Simple (did not say easy) as that.
** Thread Out...  ** | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:21:10 PM | | There`s nothing more to say, you already are aware of what he wants. More to the point you have to move on. the extent of the relationship may grow once he realizes what he has taken for granted and only then if you still want it... Men in general learns only after what they`ve lost, then when it`s too late then they try to get back what it was they had so easy before.... move on and find happiness for yourself, it`s hard to walk away but you`ll be better for it. Who knows what lays ahead | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:42:22 PM | Whoever said making oneself unavailable is playing games is missing the point. Don't "play" hard to get.. be hard to get. Have a life! Just to think, girl, you are 22.... not 32... not 42... how wonderful is that. To waste even one day of you life waiting for and agonizing over someone who is not 200% sure he wants you... someone who apparently does not have your best interest in mind.. that's a crime! I mean, what are you doing to your life. Even in the unlikely event that you'll "get" him, get married and have kids.. will that be a happy marriage where you will feel secure? Think... 50% of marriages end in divorce.. getting married is only half the deal..
He is a very, very long shot. And you don't make this shot by sitting there waiting for him to turn around. Love yourself, not yourself in him. If he is meant to be with you, and proves worthy, you'll know that.
Stop the friends with bennies thing now. It's hurting you already. It's never going to hurt less. It's a good arrangement when you are on a rebound... not when you are in love.
Move out if you can, even if it's just for a couple months. The place is toxic for you right now. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:55:14 PM | Frankly.. I get a good laugh out of those who are calling a 22 yr old BOY a pedophile/child molestor.
I've known 100's of 18 to 25 yr olds. They dont have a friggen clue. They dont even know traffic laws, most are still living at home cause no one pushed them or taught them to be responsible.. a HUGE grouping of "Failure to Launch" CHILDREN.
They dont know how to hold a job. Dont have a plan. WERENT instructed on birth control.. yada yada yada
Water seeks it's own level.. I'll bet they were neighbors growing up.. and he was the street-doofus.. Dumb as a brick. However.. SHE was a few years out of puberty and probably being allowed to dress all britney spears-ish.. AND her parent(bet it was a single mom) didnt STOP her from hanging out with that older kid down the street. Notice I said KID. So HER hormones are racing.. and he is a doofus.. and you start assigning AWARENESS of ALL the ramifications of what can happen when you put those two in an UNSUPERVISED environment.. and want to blame HIM only?
Not defending it.. not even saying it's OK. I'm just a little tired of this view that ALL girls are these innocent VICTIMS.. and it's the evil PENI that needs to be punished
Ya know.. Traci Lords started acting in XXX at age 15. When she finished her first movie after turning 18(which was also her LAST XXX movie) she did an interview.
"She said.. I LIKED IT. I had learned what an orgasm was and wanted them.. LOTS of them.. I then found I could get PAID for having them. Best of both worlds. I NEVER faked one in any of my movies.. which is why they were so popular.
I was NOT drugged.. or enticed into it.. I CHOSE it. And EVERY girl I have ever known in this industry CHOSE to be in it too. "
there was more to her interview than that.. but it sure speaks to the demonization of all things PENI where many of you think that just having one should be a crime.
Note: The above is NOT an endorsement of a damn thing. It's commentary about imbalance in some people's thinking. You are free to comment all you want.. but I'm sure you wont be able to get on BOTH sides of something intellectually and be reasonable.. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 5:44:35 PM |
Renegade.. time to get your ironic humor hat on. Just throwing some sardonic wit on the fire.
Sir, I DON'T have a sense of humor AT ALL when it comes to that shit! Sorry, but I actually had a man tell me one time - and not too long ago at that - if I became pregnant, he would walk out the door, disappear, and never to be heard from again.
- I saved myself a whole lot of crap and showed HIM the door and he has never heard from ME again.
So NO, I don't have any sense of humor when it comes to that shit.
Besides, I worked the human services field and worked with lots and lots of women who got pregnant mistakenly thinking it would make the guy in their lives stick around. - the majority of them were young and didn't have good paying jobs, hence went on welfare. In the end, who paid for all that???? You and I did....and STILL DO....out of our hard earned paychecks. Something to think about, huh? Next time, look at your paystubs and see just how much is taken out......that WILL make you think long and hard before you even suggest something like that! | |
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Joined: 9/27/2009
Msg: 69 | |
| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:05:27 PM | I cant believe that people are actually buying this shit . She said that she met him when she wass 15 /16 and that she is 22 years old now . So if she meet him when she was 15 when she starting ****ing him it would be 7 years since this started
She also says that " she has alot of love to give " and had 2 long term relationships AFTER MEETING HIM NO LESS . 3 years and 4 years LONG. 3 years and 4 years = 7 years .
So she met this guy when she was 15/16 . starting banging him . had 2 relationships that were 3 and 4 years long and gave lots a love ........ yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ....suuuuuuuuuuuureeeeeee.
****ing forum trolls man
ps : and lets not forget she had enough time to come to a POF forum and whine about it | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:06:19 PM | Is this what you really want in a relationship with a man? Some people will use others for sex or comfort, with little consideration for the damage done to the other person that has real feelings for them. I left a "friendship" like this a few weeks ago and have since realized that I had been manipulated into something that was not what I wanted or needed. There is a beautiful person inside of you that deserves to be cherished and treated with respect and love. Breaking it off is going to be very difficult given the depth of your attachment to him, but worth going through the pain so that you can move on and find someone that wouldn't dream of ignoring you or using you in a hurtful manner.
And yes, sometimes people on these forums beat the crap out of wounded hearts under the guise of being helpful- shame on them I say. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:51:29 PM | Renegade.. you said"
"I actually had a man tell me one time - and not too long ago at that - if I became pregnant, he would walk out the door, disappear, and never to be heard from again."
Ok.. so you got a headsup from a man you were seeing and boinking.
So.. what did you do?
"- I saved myself a whole lot of crap and showed HIM the door and he has never heard from ME again"
THAT, my dear renegade.. is EXACTLY what I espouse constantly on these forums. Ladies?? You DO get headsup information early on. However, unlike Renegade here, you choose to ignore it and wind up whining on this forum.
now.. whoever taught renegade that.. obviously ISNT parenting and teaching the rest of the idiots and bimbos who come on this site and whine and complain.
I just point out that they KNEW.. and chose to ignore it. I sometimes point it out with sardonic wit... or something else for entertainment value. I have also posted a multi-point PLAN for both genders on how to live a MORE successful life than not.
As to the following post"
"And yes, sometimes people on these forums beat the crap out of wounded hearts under the guise of being helpful- shame on them I say."
I say:
Shame is for the weak and misguided who need some guy in a robe to tell them what to do with their lives.. right before he molests an altar boy. I have no shame.. I dont do anything shameful.
Wounded hearts you say? How about obvious stupidity for NOT engaging their BRAIN instead? Not ALL feelings are based in reality. And these weak-minded, lily-livered bleeding hearts on here who want to say THERE THERE and condone stupidity are NOT stepping up for any sense of values.. but being SUPPORTIVE of stupid behavior. In fact.. they are ENCOURAGING more of it.
Sorry.. you wont see me with that crowd. In fact.. Not sorry at all. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:03:52 PM | | You need to keep in mind that as far as many men are concerned, a committed, LTR is NOT the ideal situation. FWB is the ideal situation. A man in a FWB relationships gets sex with no strings. What man is ever going to give that up? Once you've agreed to a FWB relationship with a man, either verbally or through your actions, that's as far as it is likely to go. | |
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| help! F*** friends/buddies and/or on/off relationships... what does he really want from me?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:23:09 PM | | Although you and him have a thing, its not the thing you really want. You expressed an intrest in a family, children. This man has no intrest in that, he stated it. Dont try to cowgirl rope him, hes a bronking buck that isnt tamable. Your looking for a horse that is been broke and ridable. Take your time and look for others intrested in the same thing you want from life. | |
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